And we’re down to the final three!! Tonight’s episode may feature the best top three from any Idol: adorable Vonzell, the sexy/douchebaggy Bo, and the angelic sounds of Carrie Woodenwood.
Ryan Seacrest looks like he’s battling a severe form of tanorexia. He’s looking extra Simian tonight, and loving the spotlight as always. Tonight’s special guest is Clive Davis, the “Man with the Golden Ears and Platinum Liverspots”, who won’t hesitate for a second to tell you the artists he’s worked with and what a great guy he is.
The first round will feature songs chosen by Clive Davisâ€¦ no doubt songs he all turned into “Numbah One Hits!”
We begin with our singers, and first up is Vonzell. As usual, looking gorgeous, in a $29.99 T.J. Maxx prom dress with cheap blue ribbon lazily tied around it. Now, as many of you know, I’m really hoping Vonzell makes it to the fina — oh no! Vonzell!! You’re so out of tune! What happened my sweet?? I hate to admit it, but the first half of the song was dreadfully out of tune. Major unhappy face emoticon on my end over here. She ends on a nicely delivered glory note, but the kind of “glory” that brings to mind a legless Tom Cruise in a wheelchair: Good looking, but flawed.
The judges are none too kind. Clive tells her that she “hits the rights notes”(Clive: The Man with the Tin Ears!), but that she should have toned down that winning smile of hers for a song about heart-ache. For Randy, she pulled a major “Roger Clemens”, in that she was a “little pitchy”. (Thanks! I’m here all week folks!) The camera then moves to the right, and chekc it out — Another sequel to “Weekend at Bernies: Abdul’s In Da House”! Who is pulling the strings to make this veritable corpse move?! “Little pitchy here” Paula barely spits out. And you can tell it’s killing Simon: How can he possibly make fun of Paula now that she’s a literal brain-dead retard. He can’t! There’s no fun in it! The judges are lukewarm with Vonzie.
Next: Bo. Now, I know people love Bo Bice. His chosen song is “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me” (insert Michael Jackson joke hereâ€¦ no not there! You cheeky bastard!) I’m pumped, as this is one of my favorite George Michael covers, yes, the famous one where he says “Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Elton John!” and the crowd roars. I get chills eh-ver-ree time I hear it.
The camera cuts to Bo. Why does this asshole insist on wearing sunglasses? He looks SOOOO CHEEESY! I know the effect is “rock n’ roll”, but to me it’s more like “Walgreen’s $4.99 Ray Blockers!” Bo sings the song, and he’s pretty good, but honestly I just don’t understand why Simon practically gasms every time he hears Bo! He’s good. Good. But not ass-splodingly amazing!
And what is the deal with holding the mic-stand?! It’s called a STAND! Not a mic-wanderer or a cocked-mic-strollabout. A. STAND. Gimmick a break already Bo!
Breathe. Breathe. OK. So he finishes, and as expected, the judges just CAN’T GET ENOUGH! It is beyond me how they manipulate this show and people’s voting. But he ” Bo’s definitely got something about him. Don’t misread my rantings ” I like the guy. He’s got a great smile, always a good sign. I’m justâ€¦. baffled by him.
Next: Carrie. Carrie is sweet. She sings nice. See Carrie sing. Sing, Carrie, sing! Carrie sings Cryin’. Why Carrie sad? Carrie sound like Roy Orbison.
I wonder how much thought goes into Carrie making her brain making her heart beat. Ne’ertheless, a strong voice. I’m a fan. Two things: the lighting in this song sucked (she was in the dark for the first minute or so) and she looks like Lisa Marie Presley! Judges liked her, but Simon gives the round to Bo.
In the second round, the singers get to pick their songs.
Vonzell chooses “Chain of Fools”, a song I am officially sick of, and frankly, the “Chain of Fools” book slammed shut once Kimberly Locke had her way with it. Vonz sings it nicely, adorably ” Clive wishes she would be more “soulful”. Clive: It’s American Idol! Give the girl a break, seriously. It’s not “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot” (although that would make an awesome audition song.)
Bo comes out to sing a song I ain’t never heard called “In a Dream” by Badlands. He also chooses to sing the song without a band, and just a single dramatic light shining down unto his Christ-like-locks. John Frieda on line 2, Bo! Lots of flyaways. His voice was nicely featured here a capella, but I could not attempt to sing this song back to you for the life of me. It had hardly a melody. Again, impressed, but I wasn’t weeping openly like when my favorite little gay Clay Aiken used to belt it out x many years ago.
Needless to say, Judges freak out! Simon commnents that Bo is pretty much guaranteed a spot in next week’s finale. I’ll give him credit for being creative. And also for looking less bloated than from a few weeks ago. Bo ” What’s your secret?
Carrie really does hit a home run by choosing one of my favorite Air Supply songs (following All Out of Love, Here I Am, Just As I Am, Lost in Love, and Here I Am Loving Love), Making Love Out of Nothing at All. The only issue I have with this show is that when you cut a 7 minute ballad down to 60 seconds, the performer just ends up singing the chorus over and over again, which can get repetitive and really kill a song. Thankfully, Carrie’s undeniable talent overcomes this, and she really kicks ass.
Forget how she moves ” she can outsing any of the other competitors in this competition. Randy tells her, quote, “You can blow, dude!” I then take a 10-minute long bath in de-licing powder to wash away the memory of that. Paula then spittles a little and claps her hands like a half-aborted seal. And, p.s., look how small Carrie’s hands are! Haha!! They can barely grip a mic! I bet Simon just lurves that about her.
For the final round of songs, the judges decide what the kids will be singing.
Vonzell, again, is first. For her, Simon has chosen “On the Radio”, the Donna Summers classic. Vonzell begins and sounds exactly like Summers herself, and then ” what’s this ” Vonzell breaks out into full-on Jazzercise mode!! Look at her go! Grapevine that shit, Vonzell, Grapevine it, Girl! Listen, only a handful of women can move like that in heels, and 90 percent of those women have penises, so credit where it’s due: Vonz has got the moves. She sings the song pretty much exactly like the original, which isn’t going to gain or lose any points for her.
For Bo, Paula has chosen “Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover.”
Instead, Bo sings “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction”, and I still kind of gag. Mic stand goes on another whirlwind tour of the Idol stage, and Bo pretty much sleepwalks his way through it. (Which reminds me: Has anyone seen the Stephen King movie “Sleepwalkers”? The one with the cat-people who suck people’s souls out of their bodies? Doesn’t Bo kind of look like one of those people?)
I’d probably really like Bo if he had a style update. He’s a cute guy! But really. People, I’m staring right at you. Is this really our next Idol? I know many of you feel strongly so, please share with me. Again, he’s unique ” I wouldn’t be upset if he won (vs when Rubin won and I spent the whole night biting my pillow). Judges practically run on stage and cart him off on their shoulders like Rudy Ruetteger.
Carrie finishes the night off with Randy’s chosen song, “Man, I Feel Like a Woman.” Great, a song where the chorus is SPOKEN. Great! She does an OK job, but considering my level of hatred for this song, that’s like the utmost compliment.
Overall, Bo is nearly a lock for the finals, and I’m afraid Carrie will be there right with him. I think Carrie is almost as good as Kelly Clarkson, just minus the personality and the bedonkadonk. I can’t wait to see Bo in cornrows though ” you know that’s gonna happen!