I think that time we were waiting for has finally arrived. You knew it would. Since the beginning of the season, you’ve sat patiently for the event, and now it’s here. I refer, of course, to the complete and utter loss of Randy Jackson’s sanity. Indeed, having a stomach the size of an egg and looking like a large black lesbian has finally affected Randy’s judging ability. More on that later.Last night also debuted the beginning of the “actual” American Idol contest, where the 12 finalists compete against one another, this time in front of the biggest studio audience yet. There were some surprises, many misfires, but overall it made for an entertaining show. The show, of course, began with the still likable Seacrest giving a “Vazquez disclaimer”, and explaining that Niko will be taking Mario’s place. Tonight’s songs were all to be from that far-off decade “The 60′s”. The performances, please:
Jessica: Sang “Shop Around”, which is the very same lesson my Jewish mother taught me before ever paying retail. Jess wasn’t bad tonight, but wasn’t great either. And I hate to beat a dead horse with an ugly stick, but it’s becoming increasingly more difficult to watch this girl sing. Those circling cameras can only do so much to camouflage her appearance, which just screams “I Live Under a Bridge!”
Anwar: Sang Tamyra’s trademarked “A House is Not a Home”, which is a difficult song in that it is impossible to hum along to. One of my favorite things about Idol is that in the commercial breaks, I sing the songs myself to prove to me and my neighbors that I am at least as good as the top 12 finalists. In this case, I had to resort to singing my favorite commercial jingle (“The sun comes up! The day arrives! Another day to be aliii-iiive!”) I was into his Lawrence Fishburne ensemble, and hey, I love Anwar. Even when he’s bad, he’s still so so good.
Mikalah: Is it legal for 16 year olds to have breast implants? What about 16 year old lionesses? That’s like, whatâ€¦ 112 in people years? Mikalah decides to lure the “Son of a Preacher Man” into the death-grip of her mighty jaws in this poorly sung number. And what about those dance moves? I couldn’t tell if she was breaking a move, or groundhogging a turd. There was so much squatting-hand-on-hip action I wasn’t sure if I was watching Idol or “The Nanny Sweats to the Borscht Belt Oldies.” Simon told her that her “confidence outweighed her talent.” She still manages to insert a couple of snorts/growls before exiting the stage.
Constantine: Excuse me for a minuteâ€¦ something funny is going onâ€¦ (shifting in chair)â€¦ oh GOD. I ENJOYED CONSTANTINE. (hysterical coughing fit, coughing up blood, eyes watering, drinking some water.) He sang “You Make Me So Very Happy”. And he justâ€¦ sang it. Pretty well. I thought I was falling in love for a moment, but then Seacrest came over, he made a ratface, and reality tv became just thatâ€¦ a reality again. And you know! I never noticed how tall he is! (pause) Here’s hoping he sucks again next week.
Lindsey: Poor Lindsey. Listen, honey. I have a deep voice too. If you’re going to go on Idol, you have to promise us and yourself that you’re going to stick to tunes sung by black men. Trust me — it is a Siren song of sorts. Lindsey, not following my invaluable advice, sang “Knock on Wood”, which she better be doing all day today to ensure not getting voted off. Cause it just wasn’t good. A woman in my office, let’s call her the Grim Reaper, told me this morning that Lindsey has a telemarketing company calling in thousands of votes for her. I was under the impression that that was illegal. Then again, considering that my source is a single, toothless woman who eats Virginia Slims for lunch, maybe this isn’t true.
Anthony: “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do” Do you think he sang this to his trachea before they removed it? That would certainly add to the emotional aspect of this semi-dead rendering, and definitely guarantee my one-way ticket to a hellish afterlife. But believe it or not, I’m starting to like Anthony more and more. And while tonight’s song wasn’t his best, he finally proved to me that he CAN sing better than Jon Secada, which is saying a lot. Randy J. jumped down his throat, and I thought the severity of his critique was uncalled for. Paula followed up Randy’s sentiment by gurgling, thinking about fire, scratching something on a pad, curling up in a drawer, and falling asleep.
Nadia: “You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me” But I do love you, Nadia! And that dress — stunning. Not the best voice in the competition, but by far the most engaging and polished performer.
Bo Bice: “Spinning Wheel” I love the Bice, but wish he would put down the mike stand for just. one. second! Bice hopped off the stage to circle the audience like a real pro. He’s such a little showman, that Bice is! Great performance, but I wonder how far he’ll be able to go in a competition based on appealing to 15 year old girls. p.s. If you want to hear a great version of the song, download Shirley Bassey’s “Spinning Wheel”, alongside everything else she ever sang.
Vonzell: Let’s start with how she looked — gorgeous! Like a real star. She sang one of my favorite songs — “Anyone Who Ever Had a Heart” — and I know I’m going to be in the minority here, but I thought she was fantastic! Save for the final glory note, which was just off, her voice moves so effortlessly, so fluidly, it’s simply beautiful. And I liked how she worked with the camera. It was a little over-the-top, but hey, when you’re singing on a million dollar set in front of three animatronic judges, you can’t help but be. Oh, and speaking of judges, they weren’t crazy about her. Simon said she always falls in the middle, and that she’ll be gone in five weeks. I think she has one of the best voices in the competition, so here’s to hoping he’s wrong.
Scott: Dear Scott, I also “Ain’t To Proud to Beg” that you get voted off soon, cause I cannot have a Ruben Studdard Redux anytime in the near future. Forget the fact that some poor cow out there had to be skinned whole to make a head-to-toe suede unitard for this guy. But frankly, I don’t think he has THAT good of a voice. And yet, the judges love him! They eat him up (something worthy of an Amazing Race challenge, trust me.) Meanwhile, this guy can’t finish a note without taking a huge breath of air. Go figure.
Carrie: “When Will I Be Loved” Here’s the thing, Carr. You’ve got a great voice. It’s really sweet! But you look like a 48-year-old country singer who’s slipped into a coma. My suggestion: Revamp the look a bit, and step it up in the personality department. Yes, you’re a country singer, but even Leann Rimes had to hoe it up now and again to sell an album.
Nikko: “I Want You Back” All I kept thinking during the performance was how weird it was that Michael Jackson had a hit song in the 60′s. And he was 11 when he sang it! I always thought he was like 4 years old when he started the Jackson 5. Like a huge band, and then the lead singer is a tiny little pink kangaroo, and that kangaroo was Michael Jackson. Where was I? Oh yes! Nikko. He was OK. I’m hoping he can stick around for another week to improve, cause I hate to say it, but I kind of missed Mario last night. Aww.
Who I Wish Would Get Kicked Off: Scott
Who Should Get Kicked Off: Lindsey