Breaking News Heartstopper: Constantine Not So Bad

American Idol

By youcantmakeitup | Wednesday, March 16, 2005 | 9:05 am | 30 Comments

IDOLCONTESTANTS.JPG

I think that time we were waiting for has finally arrived. You knew it would. Since the beginning of the season, you’ve sat patiently for the event, and now it’s here. I refer, of course, to the complete and utter loss of Randy Jackson’s sanity. Indeed, having a stomach the size of an egg and looking like a large black lesbian has finally affected Randy’s judging ability. More on that later.Last night also debuted the beginning of the “actual” American Idol contest, where the 12 finalists compete against one another, this time in front of the biggest studio audience yet. There were some surprises, many misfires, but overall it made for an entertaining show. The show, of course, began with the still likable Seacrest giving a “Vazquez disclaimer”, and explaining that Niko will be taking Mario’s place. Tonight’s songs were all to be from that far-off decade “The 60′s”. The performances, please:

Jessica: Sang “Shop Around”, which is the very same lesson my Jewish mother taught me before ever paying retail. Jess wasn’t bad tonight, but wasn’t great either. And I hate to beat a dead horse with an ugly stick, but it’s becoming increasingly more difficult to watch this girl sing. Those circling cameras can only do so much to camouflage her appearance, which just screams “I Live Under a Bridge!”

Anwar: Sang Tamyra’s trademarked “A House is Not a Home”, which is a difficult song in that it is impossible to hum along to. One of my favorite things about Idol is that in the commercial breaks, I sing the songs myself to prove to me and my neighbors that I am at least as good as the top 12 finalists. In this case, I had to resort to singing my favorite commercial jingle (“The sun comes up! The day arrives! Another day to be aliii-iiive!”) I was into his Lawrence Fishburne ensemble, and hey, I love Anwar. Even when he’s bad, he’s still so so good.

Mikalah: Is it legal for 16 year olds to have breast implants? What about 16 year old lionesses? That’s like, what… 112 in people years? Mikalah decides to lure the “Son of a Preacher Man” into the death-grip of her mighty jaws in this poorly sung number. And what about those dance moves? I couldn’t tell if she was breaking a move, or groundhogging a turd. There was so much squatting-hand-on-hip action I wasn’t sure if I was watching Idol or “The Nanny Sweats to the Borscht Belt Oldies.” Simon told her that her “confidence outweighed her talent.” She still manages to insert a couple of snorts/growls before exiting the stage.

Constantine: Excuse me for a minute… something funny is going on… (shifting in chair)… oh GOD. I ENJOYED CONSTANTINE. (hysterical coughing fit, coughing up blood, eyes watering, drinking some water.) He sang “You Make Me So Very Happy”. And he just… sang it. Pretty well. I thought I was falling in love for a moment, but then Seacrest came over, he made a ratface, and reality tv became just that… a reality again. And you know! I never noticed how tall he is! (pause) Here’s hoping he sucks again next week.

Lindsey: Poor Lindsey. Listen, honey. I have a deep voice too. If you’re going to go on Idol, you have to promise us and yourself that you’re going to stick to tunes sung by black men. Trust me — it is a Siren song of sorts. Lindsey, not following my invaluable advice, sang “Knock on Wood”, which she better be doing all day today to ensure not getting voted off. Cause it just wasn’t good. A woman in my office, let’s call her the Grim Reaper, told me this morning that Lindsey has a telemarketing company calling in thousands of votes for her. I was under the impression that that was illegal. Then again, considering that my source is a single, toothless woman who eats Virginia Slims for lunch, maybe this isn’t true.

Anthony: “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do” Do you think he sang this to his trachea before they removed it? That would certainly add to the emotional aspect of this semi-dead rendering, and definitely guarantee my one-way ticket to a hellish afterlife. But believe it or not, I’m starting to like Anthony more and more. And while tonight’s song wasn’t his best, he finally proved to me that he CAN sing better than Jon Secada, which is saying a lot. Randy J. jumped down his throat, and I thought the severity of his critique was uncalled for. Paula followed up Randy’s sentiment by gurgling, thinking about fire, scratching something on a pad, curling up in a drawer, and falling asleep.

Nadia: “You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me” But I do love you, Nadia! And that dress — stunning. Not the best voice in the competition, but by far the most engaging and polished performer.

Bo Bice: “Spinning Wheel” I love the Bice, but wish he would put down the mike stand for just. one. second! Bice hopped off the stage to circle the audience like a real pro. He’s such a little showman, that Bice is! Great performance, but I wonder how far he’ll be able to go in a competition based on appealing to 15 year old girls. p.s. If you want to hear a great version of the song, download Shirley Bassey’s “Spinning Wheel”, alongside everything else she ever sang.

Vonzell: Let’s start with how she looked — gorgeous! Like a real star. She sang one of my favorite songs — “Anyone Who Ever Had a Heart” — and I know I’m going to be in the minority here, but I thought she was fantastic! Save for the final glory note, which was just off, her voice moves so effortlessly, so fluidly, it’s simply beautiful. And I liked how she worked with the camera. It was a little over-the-top, but hey, when you’re singing on a million dollar set in front of three animatronic judges, you can’t help but be. Oh, and speaking of judges, they weren’t crazy about her. Simon said she always falls in the middle, and that she’ll be gone in five weeks. I think she has one of the best voices in the competition, so here’s to hoping he’s wrong.

Scott: Dear Scott, I also “Ain’t To Proud to Beg” that you get voted off soon, cause I cannot have a Ruben Studdard Redux anytime in the near future. Forget the fact that some poor cow out there had to be skinned whole to make a head-to-toe suede unitard for this guy. But frankly, I don’t think he has THAT good of a voice. And yet, the judges love him! They eat him up (something worthy of an Amazing Race challenge, trust me.) Meanwhile, this guy can’t finish a note without taking a huge breath of air. Go figure.

Carrie: “When Will I Be Loved” Here’s the thing, Carr. You’ve got a great voice. It’s really sweet! But you look like a 48-year-old country singer who’s slipped into a coma. My suggestion: Revamp the look a bit, and step it up in the personality department. Yes, you’re a country singer, but even Leann Rimes had to hoe it up now and again to sell an album.

Nikko: “I Want You Back” All I kept thinking during the performance was how weird it was that Michael Jackson had a hit song in the 60′s. And he was 11 when he sang it! I always thought he was like 4 years old when he started the Jackson 5. Like a huge band, and then the lead singer is a tiny little pink kangaroo, and that kangaroo was Michael Jackson. Where was I? Oh yes! Nikko. He was OK. I’m hoping he can stick around for another week to improve, cause I hate to say it, but I kind of missed Mario last night. Aww.

Who I Wish Would Get Kicked Off: Scott
Who Should Get Kicked Off: Lindsey

30 Comments

  1. 1
    Papercuts!
    Posted March 16, 2005 at 9:47 am

    HILARIOUS recap.

    When Scott went into the audience, I commented that it would have been HILARIOUS if he had to roll onto his side to get back onto the stage. The man looked like he was about to explode.

    A producer needs to sit down with Jessica and politely explain to her that they do make outfits that flatter the figure she has. Her wardrobe choices are getting progressively worse EVERY WEEK.

  2. 2
    Liz
    Posted March 16, 2005 at 10:12 am

    I agree that Vonzell was fantastic…she’s one of my favorites.

  3. 3
    mar
    Posted March 16, 2005 at 10:25 am

    i was so turned on by connie i felt reall dirty. but yes he did wink at the camera and the moment was gone.

    ps he dwarfed crest crest. he is like 2 feet taller!

  4. 4
    J-Unit
    Posted March 16, 2005 at 10:39 am

    Contstantine pulls off an almost unheard of triple threat. He as a double chin, a no chin, and a butt chin.

    I’m not sure if it was the graham crackers and the milk, but I am pretty sure I had a semi-chub when Vonzell was singing.

  5. 5
    Kelley
    Posted March 16, 2005 at 10:40 am

    Please don’t soft on Constantine! I was a little tipsy while watching, but he still seemed pretty painful! Carrie definately needs to do some revamping, so dull. Mikalah BUTCHERED that song!

  6. 6
    alohaguy
    Posted March 16, 2005 at 11:18 am

    Mikalah is just plain WRONG..she’s like a old Miami jewish woman shopper gone to Wal-Mart’s “Victoria Secret” section…someone needs to tell her that her FUPA was just FAT…

  7. 7
    smithie
    Posted March 16, 2005 at 1:20 pm

    I loved Mikalah, is that so wrong?

  8. 8
    Jick
    Posted March 16, 2005 at 1:47 pm

    Smithie, that’s not wrong at all! I loved Mikalah too. She won’t win but I voted for her at least 100 times last night so she’s stay around longer and make me smile.

  9. 9
    Jick
    Posted March 16, 2005 at 1:48 pm

    Smithie, that’s not wrong at all! I loved Mikalah too. She won’t win but I voted for her at least 100 times last night so she’s stay around longer and make me smile.

  10. 10
    SusieQ
    Posted March 16, 2005 at 2:17 pm

    I still can’t figure out how some of these people have made it this far. Scott had no expression when he went into the audience and sang to…Randy. His walking around in front of the stage was just boring.

    Constantine didn’t suck during the song, but he’s just so gross and smarmy.

    Mikalah sounds like she’s doing her best nasal Fran Dresher impersonation both when talking and singing, which is just wrong. Even if you think it’s a cute schtick for her to be like that while talking, she’s singing like the Nanny, people! Or, at best, like Janice from Friends. Come on!

    Lindsey is just boring and still hasn’t learned what her own vocal range is. Why are these people in the top 12?

  11. 11
    alohaguy
    Posted March 16, 2005 at 2:49 pm

    Yup I agree SusieQ…sorry Smithie and Jick..Mikahah’s nasal twang and “I’m singing like a bullmouth frog” along with her “I may be 16 but I’ve been WAY around the block” attitude do indeed make her oh so wrong.

  12. 12
    smithie
    Posted March 16, 2005 at 3:20 pm

    I love Mikalah, Is that so wrong?

  13. 13
    smithie
    Posted March 16, 2005 at 3:22 pm

    I repeat that is…

  14. 14
    Retroqueen
    Posted March 17, 2005 at 6:19 am

    I want Nadia Turner, Bo Bice and Anwar to win…

    Time to get rid of:

    Jessica (no neck or waist)
    Anthony (10 year old nerd)
    Constantine (no chin)
    Scott (fat man goatee )bleech
    Nikko (dumb name, chose Michael Jackson song)
    Carrie (nice voice, shapeless body/weird clothes sense)
    Mikalah (channeling Fran Drescher,great prospects for a career as a blackjack dealer)

    And I’ll reserve judgment on Vonzell…I do like her just not sure if she’s strong enough as my top 3.

    And as as side note, saw the mountainous Ruben in the audience last night for the results show, and pondered his sexual orientation……..me thinks the only Twinkie he’s likely to have on his arm is the cupcake

  15. 15
    Catie
    Posted March 17, 2005 at 6:35 am

    You know, I finally got around to watching all the performances from Tuesday before the results show…and I think I have started to like Bo. I wasn’t really into him because I think his last name sounds a little too much like lice, but I swear he mouthed “bison” when Ryan was giving out the number to call for him. If he really did mouth bison, then I think it is safe for me to like him.

    I was so happy to see Lindsey leave, but now it is so hard to decide who I want to go next! So many choices! I didn’t think Constantine’s performance made him anymore tolerable, so maybe he could go. Scott is still coming across as a serial killer to me and god, I hate Anthony. Maybe Scott will kill him.

    I got freaked out by that giant mole on Jessica’s arm, so until she stops wearing short sleeves- I don’t like her.

    I’m sorta over Carrie too. She seems like she’s stuck in the 80′s or something. I can’t explain it, she’s so Olivia Newton John…or something. I’m not into it.

    Of course I’m still behind Anwar (and I’ll personally assault every 13 yr old that didn’t vote for him if he gets eliminated) and Vonzell.

    Nadia & Mikalah…eh. Same with Nikko.

    And I’m done with the whole Mario thing…unless he really turns out to be a tranny. Then I want to talk about it again.

  16. 16
    Jodi
    Posted March 17, 2005 at 7:59 am

    Constantine wasn’t as wretched as he usually is, but he’s GOT to stop doing that thing where he sort of ducks his head and then looks up into the camera. You just KNOW he practices that look — along with the move where he pulls his jacket slightly off one shoulder — in the mirror. And thinks, “Yeah. That’s it. Yes.”

    As far as him being “smoldering”, per Simon, well, uhh, NO, Simon. No. Smarmy? Yes. Smoldering? No.

  17. 17
    Jick
    Posted March 17, 2005 at 10:37 am

    Okay, we all know Mikalah doesn’t have a snowball’s chance of winning Idol. All I’m asking is for Smithie and everyone else to vote for her the next few weeks. You all know there are others that don’t stand a chance either, like Jessica,Scott, and Nikko. And if Mihalah gets a couple more weeks exposure I’m sure she can land a sitcom deal with the WB!

  18. 18
    Catie
    Posted March 17, 2005 at 10:42 am

    Wait do any of you actually vote? I love reality tv, but I don’t actually VOTE.

  19. 19
    stehanie
    Posted March 17, 2005 at 10:58 am

    I love Vonzell

  20. 20
    Papercuts!
    Posted March 17, 2005 at 11:26 am

    I love desk. I love lamp.

  21. 21
    SusieQ
    Posted March 17, 2005 at 12:13 pm

    Jick, even if we wanted to spend our time dialing and getting a busy signal, why vote for Mikhalah? Why vote to keep somebody who makes her time on screen painful for the audience whether she’s singing, talking, or looking like she’s about to manifest a severe psychological problem (as she does during every results time)? If you want to vote for a lost cause, at least pick someone whose entire personality isn’t a rip-off of a bad 90s sit-com!

  22. 22
    Jick
    Posted March 17, 2005 at 12:36 pm

    I love bad 90′s sitcoms.

  23. 23
    Plumes
    Posted March 17, 2005 at 12:44 pm

    “looking like a large black lesbian “… Please pick me up off the floor. Funniest line ever.

    They all stink so bad that they will probably all end up on “24″ and sing Jack to death.

  24. 24
    getreal
    Posted March 17, 2005 at 1:48 pm

    I am absolutely baffled at how anyone out there could possibly come close to thinking that Bo or Connie are even remotely good. Rock on….But these two have GOT to go…..and soon!!

    Nadia – As Randy would say, her voice is “aiiight” but she oversings everything. Tone it down a bit.
    Anwar – One of my faves.
    Jessica – Is her head literally falling right down into her neck, or what?! She looks like Courtney Love. Buh-bye!
    Anthony – I actually like Anthony. But I gotta say that it is a bit disturbing to see the ol’ trach scar.
    Scott – Do we have to keep looking at this guy? Where are all the fat jokes, Simon? Oh, right. He’s not a girl…so it must be OK.
    Nikko – Not so bad. Glad he got a second chance.
    Carrie – Call me crazy, but I genuinely love Miss Carrie.
    Mikalah – I can’t stand that fake “Miss America” shock and awe look on her face. And I think we have stomped on her voice enough for now though. Horrible!
    Vonzell – Beautiful and has a decent voice.

  25. 25
    Genevieve
    Posted March 18, 2005 at 12:58 pm

    “Contstantine pulls off an almost unheard of triple threat. He as a double chin, a no chin, and a butt chin.”
    LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL, so true

    Ok, so I don’t really watch or know anyone’s names. But my favorite is the chick with the afro. I love her.

  26. 26
    Jick
    Posted March 18, 2005 at 1:18 pm

    Hey Gen, the girl with the afro is named Mikalah
    (wink wink), make sure you vote for her next week. Actually her name is Nadia, and she is going to win anyway, so why not vote for Mikalah a couple of times

  27. 27
    your mom
    Posted March 19, 2005 at 11:17 am

    Get Real- I was reading your breakdown of the contestants above and I have to say that just the fact that you “actually like Anthony” (aka-Shelton) tells me that you enjoy listening to albinos sing chessey Michael Bolton songs so if you don’t like Bo, I guess thats a good thing.

  28. 28
    chica_fabulous
    Posted March 20, 2005 at 11:25 pm

    i love the comments as much as the recap!

  29. 29
    youcantmakeitup
    Posted March 22, 2005 at 12:24 pm

    Mom, you’re contradicting yourself again. I like Bo — so according to your logic, because I like him, he must suck then? No wonder Dad left you.

  30. 30
    yourmom
    Posted March 23, 2005 at 1:56 am

    hey you- I would have some kind of witty retort for you if I understood any of the dribble you just spat out.

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