Papi has been inundated with work this week; so I’m temporarily taking over on American Idol recap duties. Lots of exciting activity this week. The semi-finalists were finally winnowed down to the top twelve, which meant we had to say goodbye to four more aspiring lounge singers. It’s always tough sending these kids packing because… well… okay, it’s not tough at all. It’s the best.
And the legacy of Jimi Hendrix is officially ruined.
It’s “Share Some Hidden Secret” week on American Idol. This means that the contestants are revealing things about themselves we don’t expect. For instance, Lisa Tucker knows how to play electric guitar. This is evidenced by her playing about five notes. Doesn’t matter, really. She’s still Mickey Mouse Club through and through. And at least she’s not creepy like Gideon and his painting obsession. Later on, Ayla shares a story about how she used to think her daddy was Elvis until she was about ten years old. Then one day in the car, an Elvis song came on the radio, and when she boasted that it was her dad, her friends laughed and said it was Elvis. And that’s when Ayla’s dreams came crashing down. This officially became the most depressing moment of the entire week.
I got a Katharine McPheever!
Katharine McPhee is one of maybe three girls who perform well on Tuesday night. Everyone seems to love her, but I think she’s only okay. Well, she’s better than okay. Definitely top tier. But she’s no Mandisa.
Now that’s what I’m talking about. Mandisa is my girl. I want her and Chris Daughtry in the final two. As I mentioned earlier this week, I was lucky enough to actually be at Idol for Mandisa’s triumphant performance of “I’m Every Woman.” Granted, I was backstage and removed from all the action, but I could still sense the electricity in the air. I was sitting on just outside the set, and even though giant, sound-proof doors kept the stage hermetically sealed, I could still hear the crowd roaring. Oh Mandisa. How you thrill me so. I even treated myself to an extra cookie from craft service in your honor. I then treated myself to an extra cookie in honor of Melissa McGhee, Paris Bennett, Simon Cowell, Fox 11 news anchor John Beard, and that guy with the headset who walked into the room a few times. Basically, I ate a lot of cookies.
“Simon just called me a slut! Tee Hee!”
As always, Kellie Pickler has the reigning “Aw shucks!” moment of the week. This time around, her culinary exploits venture into the wild world of seafood yet again (last week she tried crazy calamari) as she tries a rare and exotic fish called “Salmon.” But that’s not all. She also learns the word “minx” after Simon calls her one. Kelly giggles and smiles, proudly stating “I’m a mink!” It’s like a sitcom. You want to roll your eyes, but you wind up placing your hands on your hips and saying, “Oh Kellie!”
Personally, I pretty much can’t stand the sound of Kellie’s voice. Last week’s breathy “Something To Talk About” was pretty good, but the caterwauling that emerged from her Melissa Etheridge cover this week was a bit much for me. Whatever. She’s got charm, and that’ll last her a few more weeks. I personally would like to start the backlash now.
“Thhhtarry thtarry night…”
Here’s the thing. When Kevin Covais opens his mouth to sing, I immediately laugh. It doesn’t help matters that he really does look like Chicken Little, but with an Edgar Stiles lisp. I don’t really think this kid is particularly good, but he’s entertaining to watch in that “Seriously, how did this kid get this far?” sort of way. This week, Kevin was amazingly awful with the silly song, “Vincent.” It was like I’d been transported back to my middle school variety show. Nevertheless, he gives hope to all pre-pubescent boys whose faces look like eggshells.
AHHH!!!! WHAT THE HELL!?!??! GET IT OFF MY SCREEN!!!
Could there be a more disturbing image???
Yes, there could be. Taylor reveals that he used to work in a supermarket as the Easter Bunny. I wonder if when kids approached him, he arched his back, clenched his fists, and let out a little “Wooh!” I love Taylor’s enthusiasm, but seriously, he freaks me out. The whole Easter Bunny thing really sealed that for me.
The good news for Taylor is that he performs the bejesus out of “Takin’ It To The Streets.” Who would have thought anyone could ever make Michael McDonald sound good again? This rousing performance not only gets the crowd excited, but Taylor excited too. He showcases his brand new dance moves, which pretty much center around his right arm twirling around uncontrollably. Not many other guys have done as well. I personally enjoyed Chris’s performance, but Simon thought it was a bit boring. Well, YOU’RE boring, SIMON!
“Piper Laurie is my American Idol.”
By the way, Taylor’s friends — also very scary. First of all, I never trust a woman who wears a doily wrapped up to her neck. She probably enjoys Bible Study and tea parties and weekends in her S&M dungeon. For some reason, she reminds me of the mom from Carrie. Very disturbing. She was probably the one who got Taylor his job as the Easter Bunny.
Forever your spazz.
Elliot gets on stage and sings the Bryan Adams ballad, “Heaven.” As always, he nails every note, causing Paula’s flippers to wave uncontrollably. She even knocks the straw out of her beverage, causing near pandemonium on live television. One of these days, she’s gonna spill that drink, and it’s going to be pure mayhem.
By the way, speaking of Elliot, last week, we posted an Elliot/Alf comparison. It was sort of a disturbing image. But not nearly as disturbing as this photo of Alf I found on a routine “Alf” photo search:
That image will haunt you. Well, not as much as this:
Still gets me every time.
You know, I don’t hate Ace as much as I thought I would. I thought he’d be the new incarnation of Constantine, but turns out he’s much more palatable because a) he doesn’t have to force his sex appeal, b) he has better fashion sense, and c) seriously, no one can be worse than Constantine. That being said, Ace was horrific this week. I don’t know how the judges gave him passing marks. He performed an insipid version of the already insipid song “Butterflies” by Michael Jackson, and midway through, Ace hit a falsetto that seemed to never end. Higher and higher he went, with each new octave more nasally and mosquito-ish than the last. I give him credit for trying to show off his range, but dude, let’s just keep to breathy “Father Figure” renditions.
On the results show, Bo Bice returns to sing his new single. Last season: loved Bo Bice. Wanted to see him go far. Now: kind of ready for him to go away. He still seems like a nice guy, but honestly, his expertise is singing great covers of classic rock, not performing original (read: boring, uninspired, lame) songs.
“My, my, Will. Your deltoids are so strong and powerful. Maybe you can give me some workout tips. Privately.”
Will Makar receives the lowest number of votes for the males and is cut. Too bad. I was really hoping for more antiseptic takes on classic Motown. The good news is that he’s now able to devote his free time to finding whoever thought it was funny to tape a sash of flowers to his shirt. As for the women, Kinnik Sky gets the boot as well. And good riddance. Her performance Tuesday night was not only flat and boring, but uninspired. Memo to singers: NO MORE ALICIA KEYS AND STEVIE WONDER!!
Somewhere along the way, Paris went from cute girl with amazing pipes to possibly the most annoying contestant of the girls. I can’t quite pinpoint it. There’s something just totally obnoxious about her. Maybe it’s a sense of entitlement. Or maybe it’s her camera-hogging histrionics. Either way, I’m hoping that she suffers a major upset and is out earlier than anyone would have expected.
Remember earlier when I said that Ayla had the most depressing moment of the week? Well, she also has the saddest one too. In a mild surprise, she’s the second woman booted (instead of the expected Melissa McGhee), and the poor girl is devastated. She simply cannot talk. So instead, Ryan talks. And talks. And talks. He tries to make her feel better by reminding her about how far she’s come, all the adversity she’s faced, all the viewers that loved her. But this only makes Ayla seem more distraught. I just wanted her mom to run from the crowd and give her a hug. The judges boost her moral by saying that she’s really a winner (even though she’s actually a loser in this case), and then Ryan hands over a microphone, forcing the teenager to croak through her middling Natasha Bedingfield song.
Yes, the Brittenum twins are back, and they’re in the audience. Why? I don’t know. You’d think the show would have nothing to do with them. I’m personally on the verge of switching the channel anytime I see their obnoxious faces. Ryan and the brothers engage in some light sparring, with either Darrell or Terrell bragging that they’re now rich. Well, it’s easy to be rich when you’ve DEFRAUDED someone. I hope they enjoy the money now before it all gets squandered on an Escalade, tacky furniture, a rampant cocaine habit, and of course, more Spacemen outfits.
At the end of the night, Bucky pulls an upset and sneaks into the top twelve, knocking Gideon and his middle-aged-man self out of the competition. He smiles and thanks Jesus several times. Now, off to a fantastic career singing on Carnival Cruise Lines.
What did you think about this week? Like the top 12? Was Ayla robbed?