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Wednesday, January 25, 2006
3:21 pm
44 Comments
By Dan Renzi
I’m not sure if I’ll ever forgive North Carolina for what they put me through.
Going to the small-ish city of Greensboro was a gamble for American Idol;
usually these less-than-cosmopolitan places don’t produce the best
talent. (Remember the Detroit auditions from a few seasons ago? The
worst!) But North Carolina did produce Clay Aiken…and Fantasia,
which is relevant for the 14 of you who bought her album. So why not
just head to the state so stocked with such big success stories?
This is why not.
But wait! I’m getting ahead of myself.
The Greensboro episode started out as a weird homage to Miss America:
young women crying as they told devastatingly morose stories about
overcoming their unfortunate childhoods. After boo-hooing her way
through the tale of her mother abandoning her at the age of 2 and her
father serving time for drug-related crimes, Kelly Pickler wailed
through “Since You’ve Been Gone” (by her hero Kelly Clarkson!) with a
voice a little forced in volume, but lovely in tone. Good singer?
Yes. But it was when she confidently shrugged her shoulders and
queried “You want me to sing something else?” that she officially won
over America. The girl’s a PRO. And yes, they did want her to sing
something else. She got her golden ticket–to which she exclaimed “I
can’t wait to call my grandpa…and write to my dad!” As in, write to
her dad in jail, y’all. Bless her heart.
But that’s just the warm-up. Enter Kendra Wilson, 24 and a single
mother of three. You think you got problems, Kelly Pickler? Pickle
this, girlfriend! I was a ward of the court! As in, Kendra was an
orphan. That trumps “dad-in-jail” stories any day. Again, her
confident attitude made her shine, even though Simon didn’t groove on
her singing. He didn’t say it, but you could tell he thought she was
this season’s Vonzell Solomon: nice girl, nice voice, nothing special,
destined to sing dance remixes played at gay nightclubs. She got the
golden ticket anyway. But unlike all the other golden ticket
recipients who lose their minds and look like those women on Oprah
during the “My Favorite Things” episodes, she kept her cool. Kendra
just hugged her kids, stood up, and waved her ticket at them. ”That
means I’m leaving you,” she said. She was kidding. I hope.
But other than the Miss America clones, Greensboro was pretty much a
downhill slide into a pit of tragedy, as the judges bluntly informed
contestant after contestant that they should never sing again. And
the contestants were wrecked. Devastated. Rhonda Jones–the
self-proclaimed “cross between Carrie Underwood and Britney
Spears”–sounded like she was taking hits from a hidden tank of helium
somewhere, and they cut her with very little fanfare. But still she
persisted. ”Please!” she begged. “I want this more than a whole bag
of gummy bears!” These are the people who will kill you in your
sleep, you know, the girls with the hidden rage. The gummy bear girls
are the ones to watch out for.
We did see a familiar face in Greensboro: Tyra Juliette Schwartz, who seemed to
confuse the Idol auditions with being a guest of a daytime talk show,
and grabbed every opportunity to tell the world how hard her life is.
(“I took an 11-hour bus ride here! I caught my boyfriend cheating on
me while I was recovering from surgery!”) Apparently Tyra appeared on
Making The Band 3, but Diddy cut her when she couldn’t dance. She got
the golden ticket to Hollywood this time around, although just barely.
At least she is persistent. Perhaps she should drop the singing and
start selling AmWay. She’d make millions.
Much of the Greensboro auditions episode was devoted to seeing which
contestant could make Paula Abdul feel the most uncomfortable. Who
wins? Let’s see: there’s ventriloquist Richard Garland, who brought
his puppet “Scotty” as a sign of love “for Paula,” which made no
sense, but maybe I missed something. Scotty was the kind of puppet
that gives kids nightmares, as it chattered away in a Chucky-esque
voice. You could tell it almost made Miss Abdul reach into her purse
and grab at that emergency stash of pills. She couldn’t really
respond with anything other than “That’s so freaky.” Over and over.
No dice for Richard. Or Scotty.
But they weren’t as freaky as Steven David, Jr., who showed up to the
auditions whoring himself out in his military uniform like he was a
contestant on The Price Is Right (If it worked for Josh Gracin, it
can work for me!!) and insisted Paula dance with him while he sang.
Always looking for a chance to humiliate each other, Randy and Simon
literally pulled Paula around the table and shoved her into her
suitor’s arms, as he whined his way through “Let’s Get It On.” Decent
voice, but skeevy.
He did get the golden ticket, but more because he
will be good for ratings in the next few episodes before he is cut
because he can’t sing that well. Nevertheless, he picked up Paula and
carried her out the door, “Clan Of The Cave Bear” style, and paraded
her in front of his family. While utterly ignoring his wife. You can
tell he does that kind of crap all the time. I hope that guy gets the
axe.
“Can you believe she wanted me to drink from her? She can drink from ME!”
Oops! That slipped out. I can’t hold myself back! Hang on just a
little while longer–
A few other singers made it through, of course: We met Paris Bennett,
granddaughter of Ann Nesby, who was a member of the Grammy
award-winning gospel phenomenon Sounds Of Blackness. They’re awesome,
if you haven’t heard them before. And just like Grandma, Little Miss
Bennett can absolutely sing her ass off. Singing two songs and
switching from Dixie Chicks to Billie Holliday, her voice had a
haunting quality that will give you chills no matter what she wraps
her vocal cords around. Versatility is the key, it shows true
talent. I say she’s Top Ten for sure.
We also met Halicra Thompson, who auditioned with the theme song of “A
Different World,” which was almost odd, except she sounded fantastic.
And she was cool as hell. We’ll see her in Hollywood. If she doesn’t
make it, I want her to come be my next door neighbor so we can hang
out.
But the bad auditions persisted. When Marcus Behling opened his
mouth, out of it came a sound I cannot fully explain. The judges
asked him where he learned how to sing; he meekishly replied “Paula
and Randy’s DVD,” which is titled “Learn To Sing Like A Star.” Randy
found it funny; Paula did not. Simon, of course, had an orgasm on the
spot, knowing no matter what happens for the rest of his life, he had
nothing to do with the DVD that taught Marcus Behling how to sing.
Marcus continued to plead for another chance, but the three judges
were much more interested in ridiculing each other to even remember
Marcus was still in the room. So Marcus went out into the parking lot
and smashed the DVD with a hammer.
And just as you’re wondering why you sat through TWO HOURS of this
garbage, this pointless mind-rot…you meet Rhonetta.
Finally.
I can’t stop thinking about her. That sequined tube top, the blond
wig, those shoes. She is my new hero. After announcing to the world
she was the next superstar ready to bloom, she walked into the room
with the same unfounded confidence that inspires Jamacians to enter
the Olympic bobsled competition. To break the ice, she began mimicing
Britney Spears, and actually didn’t sound too bad; but when she
hunkered down for her actual singing, it was the boring/awful fare
typical of this whole audition process.
Politely rejected by all
three judges–really, they were surprisingly polite–she walked out
the door, and launched into a tirade saturated with censor-bleeps that
put her on VH1′s clip list for “Best Week Ever” for sure.
She was so flummoxed that she would be cut, to the point many of her
profanity-laden insults basically made no sense. But who cares?? It
was funny as hell.
Rhonetta back on the day job.
But she knows she will be more famous than any other Idol in history.
She knows this for a fact. How does she know this? She let us in on
her secret: “Because my motherf#&%ing Psychic Friends told me!” I
love Rhonetta so much.
It will be on the internet soon, no doubt. Watch for it.
Dan Renzi is a guest columnist for TVgasm. He’ll be back on TV yet
again in February as a host of some intro specials for the
never-ending Real World on MTV. His kick-ass blog is at
http://danrenzi.typepad.com.
TV Social
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44 Comments
Dan, welcome to TVgasm! Great first effort. I look forward to more.
You forgot to mention Rho-not-a-talent’s karate kicks for the camera. poor poor camera guy. I’mjust glad the blurred out her lala
Please don’t go on my girl, Fantasia’s albumn was good and and she sold plenty of them so stop hating!!! She’s doing a whole lot better than Reuban’s ass, he’s such a disapointment
What about Sammy Mother Humpin’ Neighbors? This boy was out of sight with his magic carpet prop, well done makeup, shout out to Mary Katherine Gallagher, etc. He had to have been using the audition as a way to be seen by people in the entertainment biz. A lot of these people must do that. They know they can’t sing, right? Did you notice that the worse your voice is the more theatrical your performance? It’s practically a rule.
PS-Paris Bennett made my eyes water. So, so good.
I agree LQ. I haven’t heard anyone sound that good in a long time. I was so happy when they asked her to sing another song and appreciated her jazz selection. My mother’s favorite CD is a Sounds of Blackness CD. Paris and her gran are definitely cut from the same cloth. Good stuff!
Paris is unbelievable-that girl should walk out & become a star on her own & not waste her time on AI. If she doesn’t take the whole thing I will hunt down every 14-year-old girl who calls in 600 times for the cutest guy every night and bitch slap them myself!
How’d everyone like that one guy’s little brother-the tuxed one? The little guy was more pissed than his brother-watch out for this little one, he’ll be shooting from watchtowers in 10 years. He kind of reminded me of the creepy little kid from the Freddie movie where his mom was the actress who made the 1st Freddie movie.
A burning question-do we think Rhonetta’s hoo-ha was covered up for lack of underwear or just nasty underwear?
Oh, one more thing-I’m glad I wasn’t the only one creeped out by soldier-boy. Then his wife said she didn’t care what he did as long as he made it to Hollywood. We’ll either find out he has 6 other wives around the country or he borrowed the uniform from his cousin Mike-or both.
Wow, a “Clan of the Cave Bear” reference! Nice work! And nice recap…I wish I’d have seen the episode. I’ll have to settle for Best Week Ever clips.
I liked Kendra, until the moment she walked out the door, ignored her kids until someone pointed them out, treated them like an afterthought, and then crudely told them she was leaving them. I ain’t buyin’ her ward of the state sob story.
Early prediction: Paris Bennett in top 3.
I thought Kendra was cute and clearly joking with the kids. The way you can joke with kids who are super secure that you love them because you’ve been killing yourself trying to provide them with a better life. It didn’t look like she ignored her kids as much as she was bombarded by well-wishers as soon as she came through the door. We all see things differently I suppose.
Are you the same Dan that got playing with “it” at the porno movie theater? Woo hoo! I’m ‘pulling’ for you on this gig. Nice review.
Great job Dan! I hope to hear more from you. I loved Paris Bennett and would be more than happy to hear her sing Billie Holliday all day.
I agree with you, Vee, it sounded like Kendra was joking to me. I talk with my girls the same way.
rhonetta has quite a rap sheet
1.ASSAULT WITH A DEADLY WEAPON – CUTTING
2.LARCENY (MISDEMEANOR)
3.DISORDERLY CONDUCT
4.COMMUNICATING THREATS
5.RESISTING PUBLIC OFFICER
6.DRIVING WHILE IMPAIRED
7.DRIVING WHILE LICENSE REVOKED
8.OPEN CONT AFTER CONS ALC 1ST
9.FICTITIOUS INFORMATION TO OFFICER
10.DRIVING WHILE LICENSE REVOKED
11.DRIVING WHILE IMPAIRED
12.DRIVING WHILE LICENSE REVOKED
13.OPEN CONT AFTR CONS ALC SUBOFN
14.FICTITIOUS INFORMATION TO OFFICER
i just feel sick knowing we’re both from charlotte, she was even interviewed on the local fox affilated news broadcast tonight
If someone finds a link to the video of Rhonetta they MUST share it!! Please, please, please!
I know there’s probably a word limit or a screen limit for each recap but I wish you could have spent more time on Marcus Behling and why Simon almost had an orgasm when he found out Marcus learned how to sing from Paula and Randy’s DVD. Marcus dragged out all of the notes on the Michael Jackson’s “She’s Out of My Life” so much (she’s oooooooooooooouuuuuuuuttttt of my liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiffffee), Randy correctly assessed that it would take two days for Marcus to get through the whole song. I was already laughing but literally burst into tears when Marcus mentioned the DVD. Paula and Randy’s expression was priceless! They had to know that there were going to be some customers out there who thought that their $20 was going to turn them into automatic superstars at the auditions, as apparently Marcus did. Maybe that will make them think twice before putting their names to any old crap because you never know when it will come back to haunt you.
As for Rhonetta, the only thing that doesn’t surprise me about her having a rap sheet (post #13) is that there’s nothing on there related to solicitation or prostitution. Does anyone know what #13 of the list means (OPEN CONT AFTR CONS ALC SUBOFN)?
#15, i think i remember hearing on the radio today that she was arrested for prostitution but it must have been in a different county than the one that has the online records
OPEN CONT AFTR CONS ALC SUBOFN means having an open container of alcohol in a car…it’s illegal in NC
These 2 hour episodes of Idol are killing me. Why is it 2 hours one night and only one hour the next night? That air force guy was definitely skeevy. Yuk. He can be cut in the first round.
When Marcus mentioned that he has Paula and Randy’s DVD… God, that moment was pure reality TV magic.
I loved the look of total embarrassment on Paula’s face and Randy’s awkward hehehe-that-was-funny-can-we-can-the-subject-now laugh. Priceless.
Funniest. Audition. Ever. Heh.
Holy mackerel, Marcus Behling! I loved his pre-audition where he let us know that he won “approximately 10 talent shows in the past few years and approximately 3 in the past year”. You see, there were SO many gold medals that he needs to approximate. He also failed to mention that approximately all of the victories came at the sign language convention.
Kendra. Child abandonment. Wicked funny. Comic gold. She should have told an AIDS joke to show what an all around performer she is. Right? Silly ho, kids are for grown ups.
This was not a very good post. I don’t like my snarky tv commentary written by MTV real world cast members.
TVgasm – please, no more “guest writers” pushing their next project.
What’s next? Ashley Parker Angel recapping his own freeze frames?
Please, please, please keep the sarcastic biting commentary about tv away from reality tv participants!! Thanks.
I am with you sweet j…this post totally sucked…
Can I just say that I haven’t even read this post, but I already know that Dan is an amazing addition. I got so excited when I saw his name as the author and can’t wait to read it. Everything he says on any television show he’s been on is genuinely funny, not fake Timmy-funny.
And for anyone that is upset that Dan is contributing on TVGasm, I only have one thing to say:
“Was is yours to open up, you stupid bitch?!”
Still one of the greatest lines in RW history, back when that show was good.
Dan, you did an amazing job with your review! Had me laughing! I hope you can go to Guest to Permanent Columnist.
Agreed with most everything you said except the played out Ronetta. They gave her waaaaay too much airtime! I was sick of seeing her on all of the “coming up…” clips let alone how they played out her making an absolute fool out of herself! And I thought Paula was nothing but very kind to her. But Ms. Crazy doesn’t do grateful when the camera is on.
I loved loved loved Paris Bennett! Whata voice! (her singing voice, that is. Talking voice could come down a notch or 2. )With a Grandma and her 3 grammy’s, surely they have connections who could give her a contract, right? Surprized she is going through AI to get famous. She’s gonna be top 3 for sure.
I also loved Kelly Pickler(the girl with the daddy in prison and mom who abandoned her at the age of 2.) I was tearing up hearing her story and was so hoping she would be good. I thought she was great! I don’t know about her being The American Idol though. She’s alittle more country than even Carrie Underwood and so here we have: a blonde, country singer, and another girl named Kelly… I don’t know how America will respond but I’m rooting for her.
I think this was Simon’s best show. He was right on with his comments. Although he needs to stop prefacing the zingers with, “Not to be rude but…” C’mon now! Saying that doesn’t make it less rude. I think he was very nice to squeaky voice girl. She is obviously mentally challenged and I was glad he saved his sacasm. Maybe he was in a good mood because of his birthday or because of the huge laugh he got at that guy who took voice lessons from Randy and Paula’s dvd and was totally terrible.
Awesome recap, Dan! (Thank you, Gasm Guys & Gals, for allowing Dan to guest. Good stuff.)
Greensboro wasn’t near as bad as San Fransisco, but we can save that for the San Fran recap, I suppose.
GREAT recap! Thanks for the laughs. First off, I hate how Fox tries to manipulate us into making “stars” out of the bad singers. That Rhonetta is not, nor will ever be, William Hung. Note to Fox: You have to let America decide who is worthy of William Hung status. ALthough it was enjoyable to watch, it was too forced and predictable. Next point: After Paula was interrogated for sleeping with contestants, does she really think it’s wise to wrap her legs around the waste of a married man? I HATE when women do the leg wrap hug. It seems a bit too sexual.”I’m so excited right now, I want your manwood to touch my female netherregions”. COME ON! Finally, when Simon told Randy and Paula that Marcus was technically “their pupil”, I spit my drink out. PRICELESS!
Paula wrapped her legs around a guy’s waste? That must’ve been a huge dump. I figured she was freaky, but not in a scatological way.
Does anybody know if there is a clip of Paris Bennett singing? She’s from my hometown and I missed it.
Dan was always one of my favorite people from the “real world”. The first 4 seasons didn’t have the standard formula as it were, but as long as Eric Nies and Mark long don’t show up here-no worries.
And from the land of YouTube:
http://www.youtube.com/w/American-Idol%2C-Ghetto-Garbage-Whore-%28Rhonetta%29?v=78J6I2-d9IM&search=Rhonetta
Yikes, that was a broken link (sorry)
http://www.youtube.com/w/Rhonetta-Johnson-from-2006-American-Idol-Auditions?v=BseUn6Yjjj4&search=Rhonetta
I’ve never read an American Idol recap, but seeing that Dan wrote this one drew me to it. Holy crap he’s funny! Please, please let him come back!!! I want to try out for American Idol just so he can make fun of me. Maybe I’ll go buy Paula and Randy’s DVD.
“After Paula was interrogated for sleeping with contestants, does she really think it’s wise to wrap her legs around the waste of a married man?”
I thought the same thing, Trixie! Maybe she thought we all forgot about Coery Clarke? And I agree, the guy was a jerk in how he treated his wife…and her attitude about “as long as he gets to Hollywood!” What kind of marriage is this?
“Yes, honey…you have my permission to sleep with whoever you have to in order to become famous. As long as I get some of your riches later…” Wha??
No way I’d let my husband do that – NO WAY.
Rhoneta was clearly a mental patient on the loose. I don’t think anyone knew she’d left town without a chaperone. Hers was some of the strangest most scatterbrained nonsense I’ve seen. People like her often stop to talk to me on the subway or wherever. Just babble on and on.
I knew it was over when Paula offered to share her water. Many people don’t take kindly to that.
Maybe TVGASM can get Real World Seattle’s Stephen (the one that bitch slapped Irene) to slap some style sense into this chick?
Woo hoo! I agree that the Melissa/Dan cat fight was great. I am thinking that this woman is actually Dan’s former housemate Flora in disguse. Hello…delusional calling.
Will the Vegas cast be reviewing next week’s Vegas Auditions? There were some ho’ bags in that season that could sleep with Simon or Paula (she may surprise us and be a swinger) to ease the tension. Where is Trishelle when you need a good hoochie mamma?
#25, yeah, was so effin’ annoying that every single time they cut to commercial for 2 hours they previewed Rhonetta’s tirade. I dunno, with all that build-up I couldn’t help but be disappointed. So she’s crazy, slutty, and swears a lot. Big bloody deal. Next!
Don’t have a problem with the wife letting the guy put the moves on Paula. It’s not like he actually did anything. And it is Paula we’re talking about. Like shooting fish in a barrel so more power to him, really. But man alive, was it PAINFUL to watch. I felt like I needed to shower away the skeev after that.
#6, “The little guy was more pissed than his brother-watch out for this little one, he’ll be shooting from watchtowers in 10 years. He kind of reminded me of the creepy little kid from the Freddie movie where his mom was the actress who made the 1st Freddie movie.”
Oh was that Tuesday’s show. TOTALLY!!! That kid was creep-diggity (not helped in the least by that chilling mullet). When they just showed him standing silently waiting outside during the audition, you couldn’t look anywhere else. And that rant was priceless. A true original, far outshone Rhonetta imho.
As far as Kelly goes, I believe years of reality TV and the fakes and frauds that abound in that world, have turned me into a cynic!! Did anyone notice just how sappy and horrible her story was…and then when she got through how she was greeted by two people that looked like they could be her parents but were labeled “best friends” and then she goes on to drive the sappy point home that “I can’t wait to tell my grandpa, who I live with and write my Dad” — did anyone else find this odd???
Oh Dan!!! I was so excited when I saw that you wrote this recap that I almost peed my pants! Ok not really, but I was excited all the same. Don’t let anyone dog on you for being from the real world. You’re great. It was a fine recap. I welcome you back anytime.
Plus, if Ashley from nO-town started writing his own recaps, I’d enjoy making fun of them as much as I do the actual freeze frames.
Thanks so much marsgwar, I knew there was a non-preverted explanation for what OPEN CONT AFTR CONS ALC SUBOFN meant. Since it was late and I was tired, I thought it had something to do with the way Rhonetta kept throwing open her legs. But since acting crass is not illegal, I knew I was on the wrong track.
I’m so glad there are other TVgasmers found the Marcus and Randy/Paula DVD segment as funny as I did. In my mind, it ranks up there with William Hung and the guy from Georgia in season 2 or 3 who sang “Like a Virgin” and “How Will I Know” (badly, of course) as classic AI moments.
I enjoyed the recap by Dan Renzi but missed the captions on each screen that B-side added on the other AI recaps.
Great recap, Dan! I was so excited to see that you were writing this. You’ve got a great sense of humor. I’m hoping to see more recaps from you in the future.
Aries — that was an O in the second word, not a U…
Paris redeemed her first name a little. May she please become more famous than that other Paris. The Billie Holiday song was stunning…
THE Dan Renzi?!?! Holy crap!! Thank you so much for jumping on here and snarking with us. I have only watched RW or RR intermittently at best, but I watched about all of your season and loved you. Sweet!! (After rereading this paragraph, I realize how much sucking up that was…sorry about that. Mild celebrity encounter.)
And if Paris doesn’t win this thing, then I will jump on the conspiracy bandwagon. I will help whoever that wasearlier who said they would track down those preteeny-boppers and slap them for voting for some cute guy instead.
Remember how Kelly Pickler said she had never sung in front of people? Someone called into a radio station here (I live in NC) and said that he had seen Kelly singing at the Walmart in her hometown. Maybe it was after the audition but I would think American Idol would not allow that. I just can’t believe that someone with a great voice would never have sung in public before and gotten noticed by teachers, etc.
Kellie Pickler was Miss Stanly County and her talent was voice so she has actually performed in public lots of times.
I agree with Trixie that it’s not up to the producers to decree who is worthy of William Hung status. If I remember correctly, that guy took off as the giant joke of American Idol because the viewers decided that he was, not because the producers crammed him down our throats. The Rhonetta thing would have been much funnier if it hadn’t been ruined by the 10 teasers they showed us before they actually aired her segment. By the time she came on, it was like the joke was already old.