This week on Fantasia For Real: we see what the world would be like if Lil Wayne was paid only in bong hits and food stamps, if Madea was really a woman, and what Fantasia’s life was like when she was really a star….
I was famous, I swear!!!!
Gasmii!!! I’m back after a sparkly little holiday break (it’s really best not to have me writing when there is eggnog around, trust me) to bring you the latest in American Idol vets trying to turn their careers around via another reality show (it worked oh so well for Ryan Starr and Nikki McKibbin, right)….
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Fantasia.
I stopped watching American Idol after my girl Kelly C. won, so I had to take a little remedial course in who exactly Fantasia was. I mean, I know of her, I do read fashion blogs, and that girl is just one big walking don’t, but I wanted to know her. In addition to winning AI, Mizz Barrino also:
-has been nominated for eight Grammy awards (huh?!? when did this occur?)
-she starred on Broadway in The Color Purple
-she played herself in a Lifetime movie about….well, herself (that must have been a reach)
-she’s apparently one hell of a singer
-her first cousins are K-Ci and JoJo, who are responsible for this:
Quite possibly the most annoying song of all time. I would prefer a butterknife shoved through my eardrum than to ever hear that song again.
We open to a picture montage and narration by The Fanny. Only three years ago she was a high school dropout, single mom, singing in churches, certified hoodrat, trying to make ends meet.
Then everything changed. She won AI, and more things happened I didn’t know about…#1 single, #1 album, went on tour with Kanye….I know I drink a lot, but really? I don’t remember any of this.
And you think you would remember something like this.
She then tells us that she was being pulled in too many different directions, mostly due to the six people she supports. Yes, six. And only one of them, her daughter Zion, belongs to her. The other hangers-on that she is stuck supporting are:
Her Mother….understandable. She did give birth to her, after all. And she helps out with…
Her little brother, Xavier. Which, I guess, if you’re taking Mommy in, you’re kinda stuck with little bro too.
Her older brother, who they call “Teeny.” Rhymes with “Weenie.”
And finally, another older brother, Rico.
Ok, folks, why is that if one family member makes some cash, no one else has to work? I don’t understand that logic. If I didn’t have money, you’d need to make a living, why should my talent and hard work mean you get to sit on your fat ass all day long? (Can you tell I’ve heard this speech a couple of times?:)
She released an album, Fantasia, in 2007 that basically tanked. She tried her hand at Broadway, and while she got rave reviews at first, things fell apart when she started missing shows. I read an article today in which she gave an interview stating that the reason she missed all those shows was that she had a tumor on her vocal chords, that she didn’t technically “miss” a show because she was sick and had told the powers-that-be what was going on, and was disappointed that she didn’t, and I quote “get any flowers or candy or nothing from nobody.” Hmm….do we have a case of Jeremy Piven syndrome on our hands here? It kinda seems like it, especially because in the montage, she admits that she was in over her head.
After she left The Color Purple, Fanny says things got out of control. She got fat, almost lost her house, blah blah blah. I’m guessing the tumor on her vocal chords was actually a bong in her mouth, because this sounds like a stoner story if I ever heard one.
Because I got high, because I got high, because I got hi-igh….
But now things have changed. She has a new album coming out, she lost a bunch of weight, and she is going back to school to get her GED. Aw, she is so sweet. Like, seriously, I want to keep talking shit about her but I don’t know if me, even with my cold, black, medicated heart, can do it…she is just so damn lovable! Fanny has the sweetest voice ever and you just wanna hug her or something. Seriously.
Or pay for her to get her “blank pages from a coloring book” tattoos filled in. One of the two.
After the opening rundown, we join ‘Tasia on her way to the studio. She really wants to work hard on this album, because her last didn’t do so well. She says it was due to lack of promotion, I say it may have something to do with the cover:
I know, I’m always right. Did Grace Jones bleach her hair?
We meet her manager, Brian, who’s got a serious case of gayface going on, in the studio. He’s there to keep the progress moving and report back to the label. Aka, babysitter.
The short of it is, Fanny needs a single. She has it picked out, her favorite is called “Move on Me.”
Looks like something is moving in her.
It’s a nice enough song, but to me it sounds like more of a B-side, definitely not the lead single off of your comeback album. Don’t do it, Fanny, don’t do it!! She will be premiering her single today at a concert, the first performance of the song for a live audience. Brian is a little worried about her, because her family takes so much from little ol’ Fanny…she gives them everything, then whatever is left over is for her. Judging by the Benz and the mansion, I wouldn’t say she’s doing too bad, but I agree that the mooches have to go.
Red is my favorite color.
Cut to Fanny’s house, where it is 11 am and Weenie is still in bed, and not helping with family dinner. According to our girl, he refuses to work, refuses to go to school, basically refuses to do anything but be a 28 year old bloodsucking douchebag.
I’m the welfare Lil Waaaayyyyne, bitches.
Even his mom says he is lazy, and Fantasia has spoiled him way too much, enabling his douchebaggery. That is about to change, cause here comes Aunt Bunny.
Oh, whoops, wrong picture.
Here she is. Is this the bitch responsible for procreating those idiots who sang the song? HappyHusband, grab me my tazer, would you?
Even Fanny’s Mom refers to Bunny as the “Madea” of the family. She tells it like it is, she’s hard on Weenie, and she is here to straighten him out. Oh, this should be good.
Sitting down with a glass of wine, Fanny and Mama fill Bunny in on Weenie’s doings. Or lack thereof. Apparently he fancies himself a rapper. Which includes sitting in his room in the poolhouse smoking bowls, masturbating, and occasionally changing the song on his iPod-hence the musician title.
The ladies call Weenie in and start grilling him about the possibility of him getting a job while he waits for his “music career” to “jump off”. Right. Not only would this loser never pass a UA, he’s probably illiterate too. Everyone starts yelling at everyone, then Fanny asks the older women to step out so she can talk to her brother.
Yes, this guy.
Aw, Fanny starts crying. She is actually really nice to him, sure as fuck a hell of a lot nicer than I would be if I was her. She tells him that she’s been doing everything for the last several years, and she needs him to help her out and contribute. She’s going away for awhile to work on her album, and when she comes back, she expects him to be able to show her what he has accomplished. Unless she wants to see his high score on Modern Warfare 2 and a bunch of crusty Kleenexes, she shouldn’t hold her breath.
He actually agrees, and they hug. Sweet.
After a commercial break, we resume to talk about Fanny’s cute daughter, Zion. Fanny reminisces about how, before her big break, sometimes she didn’t even know where their next meal was going to come from, and she had no one else to rely on. Because of that, she spoils her daughter. So, for her birthday, she takes her and 543 of her closest friends to Great Wolf Lodge.
Well, I’m glad it was obviously sponsored, because that shit is expensive. Fun, but expensive. Gotta love product placement. Speaking of, anyone want to sponsor my blog?
The 543 little girls all get manicures and the whole royal princess treatment, then are released into the pool area for some fun. Wow, some genius must have come up with that party schedule…nails first, then pool? Brilliant.
The kid then proceeds to open more presents than I’ve gotten in my entire 28 years on earth. Jewelry, a guitar, clothes, an American Doll….holy spoiled. At least, so far, she’s not acting like a brat, but still. Fanny says people give her shit about it, but she doesn’t care, because “she’s not your child, she’s mine.” Um, adopt me. I’ll call you Mommy. And I’ll kick Weenie’s ass.
Post-party, she heads out on a 3 day mini-tour to test out her new bomb single. At the first performance, she is very nervous because she is a perfectionist about her performances.
Yeah, Fanny, I’m worried too, girl.
Back at the Fanny Compound, Kanye/Wayne hybrid wannabe is getting ready to go out. He ends up at some office dicking around with some chick who, I presume, is from a luxury car rental service. He’s talking to her like he’s some kind of baller, saying he wants to get a feeling for a Ferrari before he buys one. Bitch, please.
Until Ferrari takes foodstamps and desperation as payment, you are out of luck, Weenie.
Turns out Weenie doesn’t even have his fucking drivers license. Lovely. We then meet his uber-classy girlfriend….
….who actually does. She says she will be driving the car. I can’t believe the chick is buying this shit. Or he has enough of Sissy’s cash that she doesn’t care.
His tooldom continues in the car, where he is whooping and hollering and acting a fool over the damn thing. Yes, if you act like that, that means you can’t afford it. Sorry, boss, step away from the vehicle. Even his girlfriend agrees that he should be trying to do something productive rather than test driving cars he’ll never be able to afford.
Back to the Funk Fest, where Fanny girl is getting down to her new song.
What the fuck is that guy next to Fanny doing? Do you see what I see?
She can sing, I’ll give her that much. The crowd appears to be getting into it, and she is working like the rent is DUE! Which, I’m sure it is. She was out in the crowd, getting people involved, and she ends her performance to a standing ovation. Aw, I’m glad. I hope it doesn’t bomb.
Next on the tour, she and Gayface will be on their way to New York to talk to the record company. They agree with me, because I am omniscient, and don’t think “Move on Me” is a strong enough single. Dun dun dun. We will see how it goes.
Oh man. Back to Weenie. Bunny is grilling him about what he did all day, if he looked for a job or anything other than aiming at the wall with his future children. He explains that he was feeling “real spontaneous” and decided to drive a few Ferraris.
‘ll buy you the fucking Ferrari if you can spell “spontaneous.”
Bunny, because she lives in this lovely place I call reality, is confused. Weenie explains that he was “window shopping, without a window.” Oh, well then, that clears it up. She starts to really dig in, basically calling him out on his protestations that he is a “music engineer.” Sorry, farting in melodies does not make you a sound engineer, homeboy. He retaliates by basically telling her to fuck off, because she doesn’t even live there. Blah blah blah, they fight some more, she yells, he sucks, the end.
Fanny and Gayface are at Bonefish Grill to discuss business. Yay, more product placement. At least that’s good product…Bonefish is the BOMB. We’ve got one here in the burbs, and let me tell you…the drinks are strong and the Bang Bang Shrimp is the shit. Tell ‘em HappyHousewife sent you, they’ll put you in VIP, I’m sure. I think I put the bartender through dental school. Anyhoo….
He orders an Apple Martini and giggles, and I hesitate to take him seriously, but he actually knows what he’s talking about. He assures Fanny that he believes in her, he thinks she has more talent than anyone else in the game, and as long as she stays on the grind and keeps her eye on the prize, they will be fine with the record company. He sounds sincere, so I really hope he can work it out for her.
And, to wrap up the douchebaggery, we come back to Weenie, who after a couple of joints, thought it would be a brilliant idea to TEAR UP THE LUXURY POOLHOUSE so he can turn it into a recording studio. Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me? His rationale is that you have to spend money to make money, and my rationale is that he is missing a chromosome somewhere. He, of course, being the entitled punk that he is, didn’t ask Fanny’s permission before beginning the demo on the really expensive finishes. (Can you tell I’m obsessed with HGTV? When are we going to start recapping that shit?)
Do me a favor and take the sledgehammer to your head next, k? Spanks so much.
We end the episode with a foreshadowing of next week, which is Fanny yelling at the idiot Ricky and Lucy style…..”Weeeeennnnnnniiiiiiieeeeee!”
Well, my Gasmic Darlings, that is it for tonight. What do you think will happen next week? Will Fanny whoop a trick for fucking up her poolhouse, or let him skate like usual? Will the record company like Fanny’s single or will it be back to the drawing board for her and Gayface? I’ll be back to let you know next week!
Love and Bubbles,