Fantasia For Real: No More Douchebaggery

After the opening rundown, we join ‘Tasia on her way to the studio. She really wants to work hard on this album, because her last didn’t do so well. She says it was due to lack of promotion, I say it may have something to do with the cover:

We meet her manager, Brian, who’s got a serious case of gayface going on, in the studio. He’s there to keep the progress moving and report back to the label. Aka, babysitter.

The short of it is, Fanny needs a single. She has it picked out, her favorite is called “Move on Me.”

It’s a nice enough song, but to me it sounds like more of a B-side, definitely not the lead single off of your comeback album. Don’t do it, Fanny, don’t do it!! She will be premiering her single today at a concert, the first performance of the song for a live audience. Brian is a little worried about her, because her family takes so much from little ol’ Fanny…she gives them everything, then whatever is left over is for her. Judging by the Benz and the mansion, I wouldn’t say she’s doing too bad, but I agree that the mooches have to go.

Cut to Fanny’s house, where it is 11 am and Weenie is still in bed, and not helping with family dinner. According to our girl, he refuses to work, refuses to go to school, basically refuses to do anything but be a 28 year old bloodsucking douchebag.

Even his mom says he is lazy, and Fantasia has spoiled him way too much, enabling his douchebaggery. That is about to change, cause here comes Aunt Bunny.

Even Fanny’s Mom refers to Bunny as the “Madea” of the family. She tells it like it is, she’s hard on Weenie, and she is here to straighten him out. Oh, this should be good.

Sitting down with a glass of wine, Fanny and Mama fill Bunny in on Weenie’s doings. Or lack thereof. Apparently he fancies himself a rapper. Which includes sitting in his room in the poolhouse smoking bowls, masturbating, and occasionally changing the song on his iPod-hence the musician title.

The ladies call Weenie in and start grilling him about the possibility of him getting a job while he waits for his “music career” to “jump off”. Right. Not only would this loser never pass a UA, he’s probably illiterate too. Everyone starts yelling at everyone, then Fanny asks the older women to step out so she can talk to her brother.

Aw, Fanny starts crying. She is actually really nice to him, sure as fuck a hell of a lot nicer than I would be if I was her. She tells him that she’s been doing everything for the last several years, and she needs him to help her out and contribute. She’s going away for awhile to work on her album, and when she comes back, she expects him to be able to show her what he has accomplished. Unless she wants to see his high score on Modern Warfare 2 and a bunch of crusty Kleenexes, she shouldn’t hold her breath.

He actually agrees, and they hug. Sweet.

After a commercial break, we resume to talk about Fanny’s cute daughter, Zion. Fanny reminisces about how, before her big break, sometimes she didn’t even know where their next meal was going to come from, and she had no one else to rely on. Because of that, she spoils her daughter. So, for her birthday, she takes her and 543 of her closest friends to Great Wolf Lodge.

Well, I’m glad it was obviously sponsored, because that shit is expensive. Fun, but expensive. Gotta love product placement. Speaking of, anyone want to sponsor my blog?

The 543 little girls all get manicures and the whole royal princess treatment, then are released into the pool area for some fun. Wow, some genius must have come up with that party schedule…nails first, then pool? Brilliant.

The kid then proceeds to open more presents than I’ve gotten in my entire 28 years on earth. Jewelry, a guitar, clothes, an American Doll….holy spoiled. At least, so far, she’s not acting like a brat, but still. Fanny says people give her shit about it, but she doesn’t care, because “she’s not your child, she’s mine.” Um, adopt me. I’ll call you Mommy. And I’ll kick Weenie’s ass.

Post-party, she heads out on a 3 day mini-tour to test out her new bomb single. At the first performance, she is very nervous because she is a perfectionist about her performances.

Back at the Fanny Compound, Kanye/Wayne hybrid wannabe is getting ready to go out. He ends up at some office dicking around with some chick who, I presume, is from a luxury car rental service. He’s talking to her like he’s some kind of baller, saying he wants to get a feeling for a Ferrari before he buys one. Bitch, please.

Turns out Weenie doesn’t even have his fucking drivers license. Lovely. We then meet his uber-classy girlfriend….

….who actually does. She says she will be driving the car. I can’t believe the chick is buying this shit. Or he has enough of Sissy’s cash that she doesn’t care.

His tooldom continues in the car, where he is whooping and hollering and acting a fool over the damn thing. Yes, if you act like that, that means you can’t afford it. Sorry, boss, step away from the vehicle. Even his girlfriend agrees that he should be trying to do something productive rather than test driving cars he’ll never be able to afford.

Back to the Funk Fest, where Fanny girl is getting down to her new song.

She can sing, I’ll give her that much. The crowd appears to be getting into it, and she is working like the rent is DUE! Which, I’m sure it is. She was out in the crowd, getting people involved, and she ends her performance to a standing ovation. Aw, I’m glad. I hope it doesn’t bomb.

Next on the tour, she and Gayface will be on their way to New York to talk to the record company. They agree with me, because I am omniscient, and don’t think “Move on Me” is a strong enough single. Dun dun dun. We will see how it goes.

Oh man. Back to Weenie. Bunny is grilling him about what he did all day, if he looked for a job or anything other than aiming at the wall with his future children. He explains that he was feeling “real spontaneous” and decided to drive a few Ferraris.

I