This week on Fantasia For Real: Fanny decides to get “tough” and not only bully her label into releasing her album, but finally grows a pair and kicks Teeny Weenie out.
Damn, I broke one of my Lee Press-On’s smacking the shiz out of that fool.
Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen! Thank you so much to all of the kind folks that welcomed me back so warmly last week, and for all of your intelligent and thoughtful comments. You’re all invited to happy hour at my house anytime. And by anytime, I mean that happy hour is all 24 round this HappyHousehold. But I only serve trays of pills, no appetizers here, kids. Oh yeah, I’m here to talk about Fantasia For Real.
We open to Fanny, and her fanny….
Ooooohhh, child, no spanx here.
….packing for a trip to New York to meet with her label. It has been two years since she has had an album out, and she is ready to get something released (a.k.a., make enough to pay the American Express bill). Speaking of the AmEx bill, as you may remember from last week, Teeny Weenie decided to
break some shit begin demolition on Fanny’s pool house to make way for a recording studio. Without her permission. In her house. That he doesn’t even pay rent in. Yeah, he’s that guy.
This Mensa candidate explains that his vision for the studio is to turn it “from something that it is, into something that it really ain’t.” (It was really, really painful for me to even type that quote.) The sad thing about the whole situation is that I think he really believes that he is some kind of baller. Just because his sister can sing. I’d almost have more respect for him if he would just come out and say, yes, I’m a tool, I’m a mooch, I’m going to keep sucking her dry as long as she’ll let me. Because really, it’s her fault that this is going on…she lets him do it. And that’s why he thinks he’s mothertrucking Lil Wayne. Anyhoo….
Fanny explains she was uber-pissed when she found out about Weenie’s foray into construction, but then decided to get over it because “you can’t cry over spilled milk.” No, but you can beat ass over ruined Travertine, kays? I’m really starting to feel less and less sorry for her the more time passes.
Apparently Fanny and Weenie decided on an $8000 budget. Jigga what? I know shit’s cheaper in the south but you can’t even redo exactly what he demo-ed for 8 grand, so she’s trippin if she thinks that’s going to happen. Not to mention this mofo is talking about heated floors and shit.
Can you say entitled? Yes, but I can’t spell it.
This begs the question-how does he even get this money in the first place? Don’t you have to put down a big freaking deposit to get a contractor out and working? Either the contractor takes dime bags in return for deposits, or Fanny lets Weenie have access to a checkbook or a credit card…dumb, dumb, dumb. I’m really not feeling sorry for this ho anymore.
If he goes over the budget, I’m going to kill him…just like the small rodent I offed to make this broke down wig on my head.
Fanny then arrives at the J Records studio in New York City. J Records is Clive Davis’ label, and is who Fantasia signed with when she won Idol. (They also signed Ruben…are they the record company that offers the prized record contract for the winners? I presume so, but like I’ve said before, I don’t really watch AI, so feel free to correct me in the comments if I’m wrong.) She knows the record company is hesitant to move on an album without a guaranteed hit single because it is their money on the line, but she is still sure of that damn song, “Move on Me.”
She and Gayface, her manager, are meeting with Larry Jackson, the head of A&R. I actually take this guy’s side in the first 60 seconds of hearing him speak. You can tell instantly that he’s been around the block, he’s used to dealing with egos and attitudes and bullshit, and if the fire isn’t there, he’s not having it.
“We’ve got our work cut out for us,” Larry says. Fanny responds, “Oh my god, I’m so ready, I’m tired of people asking where my album is.” Larry just nods in agreement, but you can tell homeboy is definitely NOT in agreement.
Why am I even stuck dealing with this broke ass Mary J wannabe?
Larry’s concerned that Fanny is trying to push the album out too quickly based on emotion and the need to support 648 of her closest family members. She counters with the fact that people at her shows have been loving her single, and he tells us during his interview that she shouldn’t be counting too much on drunk fans who of course will be screaming for her….ouch. The truth, but ouch nonetheless.
They go back and forth, she name drops Missy Elliott and tells him that Missy likes the song, and Larry comes back with info that Missy told him in confidence, that she thinks she can make a better song for Fanny. Point for Larry-any song Missy Elliott touches is going to be better than that shitshow that Fanny thinks is her single. Cause I’m a record exec in my spare time, you know?
Missy also gave me this wig.
Fanny explains to Larry that she knows the album will do well because it’s been so long since her last release. Her fans are chomping at the bit to get their hands on another Fanny record, according to her. Larry, who looks like a J. Crew version of Scottie Pippen, agrees, “Yeah, it’s been a minute…” then drops the bomb, “…for good reason.” Wow. He’s not fucking around.
f looks could kill, this one would be shanking Scottie Pippen in the eye.
They go back and forth about a few more points, but Scottie’s got the articulation, the facts, and the power on his side, and basically tells Fanny she needs to chill out and “stay the course” for the album. I can’t say he’s wrong…if she rushes a crap album out, it’s just going to bomb like the last one did but she’s not getting it. She ends up frustrated and walking out.
Back at home, Teeny Weenie meets up with his girlfriend Santezja for dinner and a chat, presumably on sissy’s dime. Pretend this goon chats, okay? And how do you pronounce that name? San-tees-jah? San-tays-jah? San-jay-a? Whoops, wrong American Idol. Anyhoo. Girlfriend decides that this would be a great time to talk about his current situation, or lack thereof.
Did somebody say Situation?
Teeny Weenie explains that right now, his overall goal is to improve his life, and that has to start with the foundation. To us, the normal people, we would think get some education, maybe work on your mental health or spirituality if you need to. Not build a recording studio. Girlfriend, while she is totally lacking in any kind of fashion sense….
This bitch, with that eye shadow again….
….actually proves she has some common sense and asks TW why he can’t work a job while he records, pursuing his “musical career.”
Because the Goodwill doesn’t have any more spots open for people with the Downs!
He tells her he just can’t handle it, he has other things to worry about. “Like yourself?” she suggests, and he disagrees. She says he is egotistical, selfish, and she has stood by his side and put up with his bullshit for “too long.” Right as she’s heading to what sounds like giving him the axe to me, he interrupts her speaking and his eating long enough to comment on how great the chicken is. He’s one of those guys that when things in a conversation are not going their way, or or they don’t know exactly what to say, they butt in with something totally random in the hopes of buying some time or changing the subject. Sorry, Weenie, not going to work. Even this trick isn’t going to forget she was dumping you because the chicken is tasty, you dumb fuck.
Girlfriend sighs, and tells him that she is done, that maybe they should just be friends. He seems completely unaffected by this, asking in a normal tone how she was “just gonna give up on me,” then narrating as he killed a bug on the outdoor table. What the french is wrong with this kid? She just shakes her head, and I’m not really left with a feeling of resolution…I’m not sure if they really broke up, or she was just kind of threatening the let’s just be friends thing? And he’s either too stoned or too stupid to care. Ugh.
And now we’re off to Washington, D.C. with Fanny, where she is starring in The Color Purple once again, after her disastrous turn on Broadway two years ago. Gayface explains to us that Fanny has a problem with
smoking too much ganja overcommitting, and he was very hesitant about her signing up to do this run of the show. GF took over as Fanny’s manager right after the Broadway debacle, and when he did, it was almost impossible to book her because she had a reputation of being unreliable and demanding. Is it still considered a reputation if it’s true? So their main focus right now is staying the course. Fanny is easily distractible, especially with all the drama surrounding her album and her douchebag family back home, so we’ll see how this turns out!!
Here’s the part of the show where Fanny makes us love her again. She’s at rehearsal for Purple, and she starts talking about the Broadway experience. How she was on for a year, but towards the end, she started missing some shows, screwing up, got in over her head. She is confident things will not end that way this time around, because she is in a better place. Then she starts singing. When she isn’t screaming or trying too hard, she really does have a beautiful voice. Like, gave me chills while I was watching this beautiful. The screamy thing she does when she pushes too hard is vile, but if she can reign that in….wow.
That’s her best wig yet.
She’s rehearsing directly with the director, and seems to be killing it. She’s taking direction well, and you can really see her soul when she performs. I think that’s why people fall for her….she’s so real, and she definitely lets people in.
After rehearsal, she is walking back to her hotel when she receives a call from her accountant. Guess what it is regarding? Ding ding ding! If you guessed The Weenster, you are correct! I’ll spank you later. Remember that $8000 budget I told you was never ever going to stick? I was right, as always. That freaking idiot managed to spend $40,000! Question, though…again, how did he even get access to the money? And if she told her accountant the budget was 8 G’s, why is she only now getting a call at 40? The world may never know.
I better get a reacharound for that kind of cash.
Back at her hotel room, Fanny gets a call from her useless mother. I originally wanted to give the Mom a pass and not consider her a mooch because she helps take care of Fanny’s daughter, but I think she’s more of the problem here than I was giving her credit for. She calls under the pretense of wanting to check in, but really she wants to go to bat for….Weenie! WTF? She says she’s just trying to be the middleman and keep peace, but it sounds more like she wants to keep enabling her son and his mooching addiction and keep the gravy train flowing.
Fanny is downright pissed. This may be Weenie’s “vision,” but it is her cash. She basically tells her Mom that she is over it, and hangs up on her. We then see her texting someone, and she says that she had to do it…she had to “set Teeny free.” No way, did she actually get the balls to kick his punk ass out?
Holy shit, she did.
Back in Charlotte, Weenie is packing up his room in Fanny’s house. He says that sh!t got blown way out of proportion, that she thought he was just ordering up anything and everything for the studio, and that he needed to pack his stuff and be gone in two weeks. How is that blown out of proportion…that sounds like exactly what happened! Weenie’s trying to play it all cool, like he’s not bothered at all, in fact, he’s happy to move on.
“That’s fine,” he says. “I’m from the streets, I am the streets. This ain’t a problem.” Oh, okay, bad ass wearing a button down Polo oxford that sissy bought you. You’re real tough. While packing, he asserts that he is focused and on the grind, trying to make his musical aspirations a reality. Then he leaves in his poor man’s Bentley.
I noticed that you’re gangster. I’m pretty gangster myself.
Fanny’s flying back into Charlotte to check out the hot mess that her brother called a studio. She’s worried, as she probably should be. But, alas, Fanny is ultimately thrilled with the renovations. I, personally, think they are a bit ghetto fabulous (bright red walls, black trim, and neon circled carpet is not quite my thang) but that is probably exactly why Fanny is all about it. She is oooohing and aaahing and saying how it was more than she expected. I’m wondering how in the fuck Special Ed Gangster pulled this off when she opens the door to her new vocal room and standing there are the two contractors. Got it.
Nothing says thank you for your hard work like letting your dog shit on the floor.
Fanny is starting to feel bad because Weenie isn’t there. She wishes he could have been there to see her see it, but she is still not talking to him. The contractor calls to let him know Fanny liked it, and asked him what he was up to, and he was spouting off about being on the grind…uh huh. Sure. And I’m doing situps right now and not eating cookies. Idiot. Miss I’m So Worried About Money then comes up with a brilliant idea…she needs to go shopping to furnish the studio right now! The one she didn’t want to pay for! But now loves! I’m beginning to think these two deserve each other, for real.
Do you have any furniture that goes with “Hood Rat”?
Fanny describes her style as unique and futuristic, saying that “I like different thangs. As long as nobody else has it, that means ‘Tasia wants it.” Would you like me to translate? She has godawful tacky taste. Typical I’ve been poor all my life and now I have a lot of money but no class. Like I’ve said a million times, you can take the girl out of the ghetto but you definitely cannot take the ghetto out of the girl. The same applies for me, just substitute “trailer” for “ghetto”. I am white, after all.
After the shopping sesh, Mom and Aunt Bunny are discussing the Teeny Weenie situation. Apparently he has actually disappeared and isn’t answering anyone’s phone calls. No way, that little fucker actually has some pride? I don’t believe it. Not to worry, however, because Detective Bunny is on the case. After she stops at KFC for a 10 piece, she is going to be on her way to sniff out The Weenster.
Detective Bunny has found an informant to give her a lead. He is Knowledge (I swear, they even caption that as his name), one of Weenie’s friends, and is leading Det. Bunny to where Weenie’s hiding out.
Is this like the ghetto version of The Situation?
And surprise, surprise, I’d bet you a month’s worth of Percocet that this is a weed dealer’s house. First example: the pitbull. Second example: Weenie is high as fuck. Third example: where else can some random guy without a job just come stay? He’s selling dime bags to earn his keep, I guarantee it. I bought enough sacks in college to know how it works, yo. (I’m hard, bitches.)
The pitbull goes fucking nuts when Detective Bunny storms in. She is trying to talk to Weenie but he can’t even hear himself fart over that damn dog. They go into a back bedroom to chat, and suprising civilly, at that. She asks him for a commitment that he is going to come over so everyone can talk things out like adults. He says, “I don’t know if I have time for that situation.” Yeah, again with the rolling blunts and masturbating taking up all of his precious time. After trying to change the subject by killing a roach (seriously) and yelling at the psycho dog, he half ass agrees to come work things out.
And I’m left somewhat confused. I think Fanny kind of feels bad that she kicked him out, but not once did I see her say she wants him to come back, so I think this is all a setup by Mom and Detective Bunny. While they say it is because everyone is family and they want to work things out, I think it is a ploy to keep the money flowing. Everyone in this family is one hot mess.
We close the show with Fanny performing in her first show of The Color Purple. From what I can tell, she killed it. The crowd seemed to love her, and her voice was strong and clear. Her voice over speaks of how she has spent her whole life taking care of her family, and now she wants to find out what makes ‘Tasia happy.
And I want to find out if that is a mic on her forehead, or a fake mole
Alrighty, my Gasmic Darlings, that is it for another episode of Fantasia For Real! What are you thinking is going to happen next week…are Fanny and Weenie going to make up, or is he really going to have to grow up? Is she going to get her record out or is she going to have to get out of her record deal? I’m not sure, but I’ll be here to recap it for you!!!
Love and Bubbles,