Fantasia For Real: The Church of Lame

This week on Fantasia For Real: To actually add some much needed entertainment to this, the lamest of all reality shows, Fantasia is asked to read something out loud.

Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen!  I must say thank you for even showing up to read this recap…lord knows if I wasn’t on house arrest so tired I would be up out of this bitch and doing something worthwhile…because this show is definitely not worthwhile.  I’ve watched a lot of really shitty reality TV in my time and this show almost takes the cake.  The thing about low quality reality shows is that there is usually a lot of drama to make up for it. This one?  Not so much.  I think the production staff is buying from Weenie too, because I could barely keep my eyes open for the entire 19 minutes.  And I even waited to take my nighttime meds until after we’re done here.

Gayface has decided that a life coach is in order for Fanny.  He thinks a coach can help her figure out her priorities and focus more on herself rather than the 294 cockroaches she has living off of her.  I think Candy Finnigan from Intervention would be of much more use to Fanny here-put down the pipe!  Today is the first day of the rest of your life!

The life coach seems decent enough, well dressed, well spoken.  She sits Fanny down and asks her if there is something in particular that is challenging her right now.  Fanny, of course, brings up the Teeny Weenie situation. She explains that she did not put him out to terminate their relationship as brother and sister, she did it to teach him how to stand up on his own two feet and take responsibility for himself.

We. Get. It.  How many more times are we going to have to rehash this thing?  We may be dumb enough to be watching a VH1 show that isn’t Rock of Love, but we are smart enough to have picked up on your intentions the first eight times you explained them, Fantasia.  We. Get. It.   Life Coach explains that to her, it doesn’t seem like Fanny is struggling so much with her decision to throw Weenie out as much as she is struggling with the relationship itself-then asks her why she needs to have this relationship in the first place.

Hmmm.  If she is just asking that question to delve further into Fanny’s shallow, shallow psyche then I totally understand.  If she is asking in a passive aggressive way, i.e. questioning why Fanny needs her brother in her life, then I totally disagree.  Yes, in certain rare damaging circumstances it is necessary to cut a family member out of your life, but if their biggest offense is just a superior level of douchedom, then I don’t think you need to go to such extremes.  Then again, I could be reading into this WAY too far-it is only Fantasia For Real, after all.  You see?  This is what happens when I recap sober-I actually make sense.  And sound smart.  And think about things.  Recap FAIL.

Fanny falters for a moment, pondering the question.  Life Coach smirks in a “thanks for proving my point” kind of way.  Wow.  I’ve been in enough therapy to know this bitch does not know what she’s doing, but whatevs.  I suppose Fanny could do worse than bouncing The Weenster for good.  But to be fair, the editing job on this damn show is so bad it’s hard to follow any kind of storyline or conversation…do they have the interns doing this one, or what?  It is awful.  Fanny cannot come up with an answer to the what I hope is a rhetorical question, so she follows up with another one-how much of your energy is this situation consuming?  Fanny does answer that, dramatically, and says all of it.  Then more sob story about how she tries to make everyone happy but no one cares about her happiness and yadda yadda yo.

Life Coach asks her what she is willing to do to change her life for the better, and Fanny responds with “whatever I have to do.”

Detective Bunny waddles in to bust up the end of the life coach meeting with an announcement to Fanny that Weenie had sent somebody over with something for her.  Fanny walks into the house to find one of Weenie’s dime bag slangers Weenie’s friends there with a card and a high quality 7-11 fake single rose for her.  Actually, that’s perfect for Fanny.  She probably thinks it’s all romantical and shit.

She excuses herself upstairs to read the card-scripted drama much?  No, I’m sure it was totally coincidental.  You’re trying to tell me that it is by chance that Fanny put her face on, the life coach showed up, and Weenie’s little minon decides to stop by, all in the same day?  Right.  And I look like mothertrucking Heidi Klum.  Not to mention, I’m thinking that with the combination of Weenie’s handwriting that is worse than my four year old’s, and Fanny’s lack of, you know, first grade reading skills, no one would even know what this card said without production intervention.

‘Tasia manages to make it through the whole card, out loud even, but that’s only because Weenie has the vocabulary skills and sentence structure of, well, me.  Ahem.  He ends with a childlike, “Are you mad at me?’ This mom of Fantasia’s must have been a real winner.  I’ll have more to say about this later on, but seriously.

Fanny goes to return downstairs when she is met by the minion.  ”Weenie’s on the phone, he wants you to read the card out loud to the family.”  I cannot even deal with this level of immaturity, narcissism, and social awkwardness.  Who does that?  He really thinks that whatever he managed to scribble in that dollar store card is so fucking profound that he needs to have his sister read it out loud to the family?  That it’s going to make them fall to their knees, weeping over how wrong they’d been about a guy who goes by a nickname like Teeny?  Doubt it.

Fanny, thankfully, agrees with me. She tells Minion to tell Weenie that she got the card, thank you, she loves him, but she is not reading it out loud-no one needs to hear it. the card was supposed to be for her, and what is he trying to prove? She’s also not pleased about him sending strange people to her house with tacky roses, and I can’t say I blame her.

‘Tasia then flies back to New York to meet with Keith (or Keef, as she pronounces it), the new J Records A&R guy that has been assigned to her. Wow, did he not blow Clive the right way or what to get stuck with her as an assignment? I take it J. Crew Scottie Pippen got sick of the hoodrattery (new word!) and quit that bitch-good for him. Fanny starts giving Keef the sob story-it’s been 2 years since I’ve put any music out, blah blah blah. Keef, who surprises me by having an urban, almost hood Brooklyn accent (even though he’s a middle aged white guy). He tells Fanny not to worry, he is focused on getting some music out-laser beam focused, even.

Fanny asks him his opinion on “Move On Me.” He answers, more nicely than JCSP did, but with the same opinion-that it’s a nice flavorful album track that’s probably really good live, but definitely not the lead single. Ok, so if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and everybody says it’s a duck, what’s it going to take for Fanny to figure this shit out?

Keef explains to her that she has tough competition, and she is going to have to top the duck to make it big. He helps that situation along by giving Fanny a new CD of tracks for her to listen to-he’s sure that she is going to like what she hears and that it will record much better than the shit she’s rocking now. She is excited, because she got music out of him on the first visit, and she is ready to listen to it and see what’s up. We won’t tell her it was just to shut her up, but whatevs.

Back at the Fanny Compound, Mom is greeting a visitor-Addie, who is Fanny’s grandmother and also a pastor. Now this is where I get a little confused. Addie seems to be a normal, maybe even a bit classy, southern woman and is definitely a pastor. Mom, while obviously a mooch, also seems normal at first. How in the hell did these two have anything to do with giving birth to these first class hoodrats? I’m dying to see what Fanny’s dad is like. I googled the shit out of him, but since he has the same given name as Weenie, all I found were wannabe baller Myspace pics of the Weenster and Fanny’s fupa in a bikini (I’ll be bleaching my eyeballs if you’re looking for me.) I mean, the issue here has got to be this dude. Anyhoo.

One thing about these bitches, however, is they definitely hold their age well…Fanny’s what, 25? So even counting in teenage pregnancies, that would make her Mom early 40′s and her G-ma early 60′s. Grandma, other than her massive moustache,

….is looking pretty good. Interesting. Maybe this proves marijuana is good for you! Yay! Now maybe I can talk HappyHusband into turning our walk-in closet into a grow room. GMa is glas Mom called her, because not only are they mother and daughter, they are prayer warriors, apparently, and she is confident they can bring the family back together again. Inneresting.

Fanny flew home from New York specifically because her Gma was coming. Gma also gets Weenie on the phone, who promises he is on his way. They gather the whole clan in the living room to await Weenie’s arrival. Apparently the whole clan includes four random little black girls….

….and everybody waits, waits, and waits some more. Weenie had promised Gma he was only five minutes away, but after an hour and repeated phone calls that went straight to his voice mail, everyone decided to get started without him. Mom is very upset he promised he would come and did not show, as well as Fanny. Why are they even surprised? I don’t even know the fucker and I can tell you this is his classic passive aggressive douchebag bullshit. They decide the family meeting is very important anyway, and Gma gives a rousing speech about unity, in one of the best Southern Baptist preacher voices I have ever heard. She even pronounces “manipulate” as “nip-el-late”. She even throws in some speaking in tongues. Fucking fabulous. Shit, by the end of it, I was standing up out my chair raising my white russian to the Church of Fanny! Hallelujah!

She ends by telling Fanny to be bold, to be strong, and “to whom much is given, much is required.” Pretty sage advice from someone who shares DNA with Weenie, for McDreamy’s sake. Fanny cries and is emboldened to continue on her path of mediocrity.

Ricco sings them out, and it is awful sound quality, so I can’t tell if he actually has a good voice or not. He sounded a little sharp and a little off key, but I couldn’t really tell if that was the tape or not. No matter anyway, I bet my bottle of Vicodin he never leaves his post as Fanny’s backup.

We are then fortunate enough to meet up with little Weenie in Greensboro, NC, where he has gone to watch Fanny perform in the Color Purple. More confusion thanks to the shitty editing-I thought a couple weeks ago they said she was performing in Washington DC? Maybe it’s a traveling show? Oh well, who cares.

This is apparently his first time watching The Color Purple, which is just so kind of him-he never managed to make it to one of her shows on Broadway? I mean, I’m sure it was a bit difficult since she missed all of them, but still-she’s feeding his ass and he couldn’t be bothered. Pot and masturbation. It will be the downfall of us all.

This is turning out to be a landmark event in Weenie’s life. He has magically found a whole new respect for Fanny-he has never firsthand seen the work it takes to transform yourself on stage and he “gets it now.” He loves her and is confident they can work through things together. Awwwww. Anyone else thinking this is either staged or he’s out of cash? Yeah, all of the above.

Back at the compound, Fanny finally receives a call from Weenster. He says he is ready to progress and move on past this situation. So are we, Weenie. Thank the McDreamy, so are we. Fanny says she’s not moving shit until she gets an apology from him-and he agrees. Okay, this fucker has got to be broke or on the run or some shit, because he even admits to taking advantage of his situation with Fanny and wants to make amends. I have a nearly impossible time believing for a second that even he actually believes that shit.

Fanny says that if he really wants to talk, they need to sit down and get it all out. He replies that he is out “prowling the neighborhoods” (probably literally, B & E seems right up his alley) and will be over in a minute. Fanny proves that maybe she is a girl after my own heart and says she’s going to need a bottle of wine to deal with this shit-preach on, Sister Fanny.

Weenie comes in, and Fanny starts reading him the riot act. Weenie-get this-agrees, then gets to his ulterior motive-he wants to go home. He promises he is going to do all the things Fanny wants him to do.

Weenie is obviously a master at lying, because he almost convinces me with his bullshit-he says that by the end of the year, he wants to be living on his own, in his own crib, and he wants Fanny to be proud of him and be able to trust his word. Yeah, fucking right.

But Fanny is convinced. She thinks this time on the street really shaped him up, she can hear the difference in his voice. That’s not a difference, Fanny, it’s desperation. But whatever.

Fanny is then off to the last night of the run of The Color Purple. She is a little sad, because she is really going to miss it. She gets over it quickly, however, by heading to an afterparty for the closing of the show. She’s feeling good, ready to party.

They show the three siblings partying, and Fanny calling Weenie up on stage with her. Cut to a voiceover from Ricco-who I’m liking more and more-where he is actually seated in reality. He doesn’t think Weenie has changed AT ALL. He’s set in his ways, and he likes to “live off the fat of the lamb.” Well, at least someone in this family isn’t a complete idiot.

After a commercial break, Fanny and Gayface meet up to listen to the proposed tracks that Keef gave to her. It’s a definite soul-R&B track with a retro hint-would probably only be a B-side for Beyonce or Mary J, but Fanny and Gayface are convinced it’s going to be a hit. Remember how she said she could “feel it” that “Move On Me” was going to be a hit? Well, now she can feel it that this one is her hit. Uh huh. Bitch, you wouldn’t be able to feel a hit if it hit you in the face. Stupid bitch.

She then goes to meet Shaniqua or whatever the fuck Weenie’s ex-girlfriend’s name is at the nail salon. Apparently she really did break up with the Weenster that day at the restaurant, and she hasn’t seen him in weeks. She finds out that Fanny let him move back in, and she shares Ricco and the rest of the world in their skepticism.

Alrighty, my Gasmic Darlings, that’s the best I can do with the most worthless show ever!!! What do you think is going to happen next week? Do you even care? Let’s all get wasted and find out together!!!!!

Love and Bubbles,
Happy Housewife