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This week on Fantasia For Real: Fanny and Ricco work on their own albums, while Teeny continues to be a blood sucking little twerp, and Fanny decides she wants to work toward her GED and get edumacated:
Good Evening, Ladies and Gentlemen! Oh, how I have missed you. Fanny and the crew took the week before last off (they had to make an off camera trip to Mexico, if you know what I mean) and this is last week’s recap-I’m running late because I suck and I am not funny when I’m sick and I had some dental work done and I spent some quality time with a bottle of Vicodin. My apologies, dear ones. I felt really bad for a little while then I realized that no one’s watching this shit anyway.
We open this evening to Miss Fanny and Gayface arriving in New York to work on “the album.” Fanny speaks of missing her daughter greatly while she’s on the road, but it is a necessary evil because it’s her job and it’s how she provides for Zion.
Because I can’t party all night in the brand new studio that is at home, which is also where my daughter is. Duh.
Back in Charlotte, we see that the way Fanny expresses her guilt-by sending Zion boxes of American Dolls. Buying her love-nice. But whatever, at least the kid gets to live in a nice house and go to a good school and always has family around-it’s better than her life would be if Fanny hadn’t screamed her way to an Idol win.
Mom thinks Fanny is buying her love too, and that Zion doesn’t need all that stuff. But she should just shut her mouth, really-it’s not like she has to pay for anything. Or do anything but watch Judge Joe Brown and cook all day long.
The reason she’s in New York, we find Fanny in the studio, recording the song that she was given by the record company in the last episode. It’s okay, a little generic for me, but everyone is sure it’s going to be a hit. They manage to tone down the screaming quality of her voice enough that no windows break and everyone’s stoned and bouncing along to the beat. And guess what? Fanny loves this song. Just as much as she loves the other 12 that have been rejected.
Time to catch up with Ricco, who is at his apartment (complete with bullet hole in window-no joke!) in Atlanta. I’m not sure what’s going on, but I kind of feel bad for him-it appears to just be a room he’s renting in a boarding house or something? I’m not sure, but it doesn’t look good.
Apparently he has been signed to Grand Hustle Records. Well, isn’t that appropriate. I wiki’d them and discovered it is T.I.’s label. Yes, let’s sign with the label who belongs to the dude in prison. Then again, I doubt Ricco here is turning down lots of offers, the poor guy. To prove how independent and awesome he is, he calls Fantasia to see if she wants to sing on his first song. Crickets.
She answers in New York, chillin in her hotel room. She is convinced that if he wrote it, it’s going to “go hard,” so she’s in. Fanny is happy with where her life and career are at right now, so she wants to give her brothers a boost in their careers. She heads back to Charlotte, where she meets not only Ricco but Teeny as well in a recording studio. Apparently Fanny called for Teeny to come, she wants him to be featured on the song as well. Ricco doesn’t want him there, and rightfully so-at least Ricco’s trying to do something. Fanny talks a lot of game about wanting Teeny to do his own thing and “be a boss”, but then she’s babying him and enabling him at every turn. Plus, you know Teeny’s bitch ass is going to fuck something up here. It’s a given.
Ricco explains this song as something “grammy,” and big, holding hands, We Are The World type shit. Sorry, dude, that shit only works if it’s Quincy Jones and Lionel Richie setting it up. The only people Ricco Barrino is going to manage to attract are Fanny, Weenie, The Pants On The Ground guy and Tila Tequila. For sure.
Ricco starts singing the chorus, and well. It’s like if South Park did a satirical version of that group City High. Like, so stereotypical and over the top that he looks like a parody of himself. Fanny sneaks into the booth to ask Ricco if there were any way they could modify the bridge of the song to include a chorus for the Weenster. But of course. Ricco’s worried, as he notes, because everything is going along just fine until Teeny comes along.
They throw a line at him that’s almost in a staccato, reggae type vibe. Fanny and Ricco pick it up immediately, but Teeny can’t seem to figure it out-one line. Can’t get it. Ricco’s trying to help him get it, and he’s acting like a child, telling him to shut the hell up and he only knows how to sing it because he wrote it. Duh. That’s exactly what it is, you fuck, and why you should try to pull the Summer’s Eve bottle out of your vagina and listen. Lawd. I just want to smack this kid. Even the producers are flinching at the expectation of how badly this is going to go.
Teeny and Fanny are in the booth, and Teeny is trying to get the line to flow out of his slackjawed mouth to no avail. Fanny keeps repeating it for him and offers to write it down but homeboy just cannot get it. Dude, I’ve never sung a day in my life and I already have the damn lyric down. It’s actually kind of catchy if you don’t have the fucking Weenster singing it. Ricco is making fun of him in the other room, predicting a world class Weenie toddler style meltdown.
It took all night, and Teeny was still not able to deliver. (That’s what she said.) Ricco declares that there is no way in hell Teeny is ever going to be on this song-he needs a masterpiece first single, and lawd knows he’s going to have a hard enough time trying to get over his own suckage, let alone the influence of the Weenster.
Commercial (and codeine cough syrup) break time.
We return to Fanny heading to Zion’s school for a parent teacher conference. Fanny wanted to check in while she’s in town and see how things are going with her daughter.
Her bottle blonde teacher tells Fanny that she is very strong mathematically and is very artistically talented-she likes to communicate via her art. The teacher is impressed that Fanny is trying to break the cycle of illiteracy and lack of education with her daughter, and just reiterates to her that she needs to stay involved and her daughter needs to know success in reading and education. Fanny recommits to helping Zion get the smarts, and all is happy. Yay.
A sweet moment back at the Fanny compound. It’s bedtime, and Fanny snuggles up with Zion to listen to her read. In a voice over, she tells us how no one from her family, her mom or brothers or herself, graduated from high school. She says she wants to break the generational cycle with Zion. She wants to go back to school to get her diploma, because then Zion will, and her kids will. She also cracks to Zion that she has to go to college, because she’s already paying for it. Sweet. I’m glad that just because she has money now, she realizes that education is important and is assuring that her daughter will get the schooling she needs to survive. Aw.
AFter that stressful 15 minutes of parenting, Fanny decides she needs to go blow off some steam by going out to a club with her brothers. Sounds like she wanted to take a bath in some douchewater, but whatevs. She tells us that if they end up at a club with a mic, it’s only a matter of time before they take it over.
Teeny is drunk yet once again, and is first one up on the stage. Remember the last time he did this? It ended disastrously, and it is appearing like this is going to be round two. He’s trying to get people waving along to the music, and NO ONE is joining in. Another great idea was to freestyle to some music, and he screws up the first try. Then yells at the DJ to start it over. Screws up again. Then manages to start rambling along, and sounding awful. Fanny jumps up on stage to try to “save” Teeny, and calls Ricco up to help. Ricco is pissed and not having it. He, like the rest of us, wants to just let Teeny fail and maybe get knocked down to size. Sigh.
The next morning, when the hangovers are wearing off, Fanny realizes that Teeny’s performance was a tad bit worrisome and calls a summit in her bedroom consisting of herself, Ricco, and Gayface. Fanny contributes all of Weenie’s suckiness (and that is a SHITLOAD of suckiness) to how drunk he was. She thinks that he figures that the drunker he gets, the better he is going to perform, he won’t be nervous and he can just rock it. Um, no matter if you’re drunk OR sober, you actually have to be good to perform good. Just a thought. That is why she went to save him-because it wasn’t his fault that he sucks, it was the gallon of Ballatore’s fault. Hmmm. Ricco says he will not help Teeny because not only is he a douche, he is way too head strong and will not accept help.
Fanny starts talking like someone should have 10-15 years ago, saying that if they do not catch Teeny now it may be too late, that the road he is going down is not a good one and he could get himself into trouble. Gayface thinks Weenie needs discipline and experience, and suggests taking him on the road to expose him to crowds and professionalism. Surprisingly, Fanny says no, saying that she actually goes on the road to get away from Teeny and his drama, and there is no way she can work with him and his immaturity around. Another surprise is that Ricco agrees with Gayface and thinks that making Weenie sing backup would be good for him, show him how the world really works and that you have to work your way up to being a star.
Later, Fanny’s GED tutor comes over to prep her for the big test she’s about to take-it’s essentially a placement exam, to see what grade level your skills are at so you can begin studying accordingly. Fanny, rightfully so, is nervous.
Fanny’s teacher asks her if she likes reading, and she says yes, but that she is a lazy reader. No way. Fanny-lazy? Never. She then begins reading about carpal tunnel syndrome, and while she reads well enough, she doesn’t comprehend what she is reading. Hun-if you need to know about carpal tunnel-go ask the Weenster. I bet that knee touching compulsive masturbator knows all about it. Fanny admits in the voice over that she thinks she may well only be at a sixth or a seventh grade education level. Aw, sad, but good that she’s realistic with herself. Her teacher wraps up the session by asking her if she has any questions, and she offers that she at least knows what GED stands for-Grown, Educated, and a Diva. Her teacher laughs and slaps her a high five.
Expectedly, Fanny gives in and allows the Weenster to come out on the road with her. She’s heading to Palm Beach for a performance, and she wants him to come watch the show to learn all of the music and get ready for his eventual debut. He’s talking a bunch of shit in his hotel room, talking about how he’s going to get up on stage “like a boss”, take over the band, and tell everyone that they are doing things Teeny’s way. Le sigh. Fanny is oblivious to this, presumably because she is blinded by the Bedazzler job done to her sunglasses.
Fanny thinks Teeny has to step up-no drinks, no wilding out, no bullshit. This is the last time, for the 395th time-he has to prove himself. She gets to the show, gets out on stage-and guess who has overstepped his boundaries and is onstage? The one, the only, The Weenster. She has him start the chorus for a cover of “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley, and shocker of all shockers-he is good. He actually makes a heck of a backup singer, and he sounds better than the screaming Fanny-not that that is much of an accomplishment. Hell, me screaming in the sack sounds better than that chick. But whatevs. She ends the show by telling us how proud she is of Weenie and how there might be hope for him yet.
Alrighty, my Gasmic Darlings, what do you think? Is there indeed still hope for the Weenster, or is he on a one way flight to Government Cheesetown? Will Ricco ever get his album released? And will Fanny manage to get her GED? We shall all find out next week (this week) together.
Love and Bubbles,