This week on Fantasia For Real: Something exciting kind of actually happens! We finally meet the waste of DNA that is responsible for siring the Barrino clan! And for giving Fanny the ammunition to write this obvious best seller:
Except for when you’re plucked from obscurity, given a record deal and fame and fortune, even though you can’t sing. It’s like the Ghetto Cinderella.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! How are all of my dearies tonight? It was a gorgeous Spring week in the Pacific Northwest, and I’m feeling
drunk cheery and ready to recap! Well, I would be if I wasn’t ‘capping Fanny. Maybe capping her in the ass, but whatever. One uplifting fact? This is the second to last episode of the first, and most likely last, season of Fantasia For Real. Yes, the producers were only able to squeak out enough footage for eight episodes. Actually, they only had enough footage for four episodes, which would explain why this has been so painful for us all.
We open this penultimate episode by peering in on what must be one of the signs of the apocalypse…The Weenster is looking at houses. He promised Fanny that he would be moved out and on his own by the end of the year, and he says he is committed to keeping his word. I half expected him to roll up to some mansion and front like
sissy he can afford it, but surprisingly he has chosen something a little more in his price range.
That’s about right!
It’s a normal looking family house, a little dated and a lot suburban, but practical nonetheless. It’s being shown by a bored looking dude who has a bemused look that says something like, “who in the fuck does this guy think he is?” It’s okay, landlord dude, we all feel the same way. After showing us his best “Sex Panther” pose….
Sorry, Weenie, you are NO Ron Burgundy…
he makes me feel a lot more at home by slipping back into delusion. He’s rambling on about decorating his ’70′s rambler all “sexy” with “european leather” when landlord dude asks him about his credit. Bwah ha ha ha ha! Classic! Weenie tells him that his credit is not good, but his money is! What freaking money? Your sissy’s money? Your drug money? Bitch, please.
With a whopping monthly rent of $995 (dude, you think that’s “boss” money? Let me send you my mortgage. Shit.) Weenie is actually able to do the math and figure out that with the deposit and 1st month’s, he’s going to need two grand to move in. He says he’s a businessman and can sacrifice the stacks and make it happen. Okay, babe, that’s great, but you do realize that you have to pay rent EVERY MONTH, right? Like, not just once but over and over again. Fanny tells us in a voice over that she is also wondering how the Weener is planning on paying for the house, but it’s not her concern nor her responsibility anymore.
This guy, however, is a little concerned, since he like, owns the house and all.
In NC, Fanny is at her house and has a new tutor coming over so she can retake the GED placement test. I don’t know if the original tutor lady quit her ass or what, but she’s got a new guy helping her out.
I can’t help it, I just respond better to peens….
I’m guessing she switched so she could get more help on the exam, because this dude is working through the test with her and reading every question out loud. “I’ll help you out if you can help me out….on your knees…” is how the salary negotiation went, I’m sure. Even with tutor dude’s help, she still does not do well, and after 4 hours he puts her at a 7th grade education level. She is a little upset by the news, but they agree that she has had to work hard for everything she has gotten so far in her life, and this will just be one more thing. Fellatio as bribery is hard work, people! I can attest to that. Anyhoo…..
Fanny then introduces us to her little brother, Xavier. I remember seeing one pic of him on screen in the first episode, since then
he’s been out in the studio smoking bowls not a peep about him. He’s 16, and he lives with everybody else at Fanny’s house. According to her and Mom, she supports him, so Mom basically lets Fanny call the shots and raise him. Okay, I know I’ve already been up on my soapbox plenty about this bitch, but seriously? Her older three kids did not graduate high school and all have some serious work ethic/personality issues, and so now she’s just given up on the youngest one and lets her daughter do all the work? Am I the only one who thinks that maybe Mom is the entire problem here? Stupid lazy bitch. Ok, stepping down now.
Yes, he’s related to Weenie. Nuff said.
So Xavier’s been getting into trouble at school. As Fanny says, he is a bright boy, but has a major attitude. Gee, I have no idea why. He’s already been suspended from school twice this year, and today has been suspended yet again. Fanny is going to pick him up from school to find out what exactly happened. She picks up the mini-douche, complete with some 80′s neon Kanye sunglasses and a popped collar, and asks him what in the hell is going on. He says he got suspended for spraying some cologne in the hallway, and Fanny calls bullshit but doesn’t press any further. No follow through! That is exactly what is wrong with these people….no freaking follow through. They go through their lives with a perpetual case of blue balls, seriously.
Back at the Hoodrat Compound, Fanny sits down to discuss the situation with Mom. Not surprisingly, Mom says she doesn’t know what to do with Xavier. Fanny says she knows-military school. Dude, while it may seem kind of harsh, if military school will prevent this poor kid from turning into Weenie Reincarnated, I say go for it, and more power to you. Mom explains that since Fanny has been supporting him financially for so long, she does give her a lot of free reign in making decisions for the kid but this big of a decision needs to be run by his father. Dun dun dun. The other half of the asshat puzzle. I’ve been dying to meet this fucker. In case you didn’t know, the reason Fanny and her Daddy don’t get along is because he sued her. When she turned her life story into a Lifetime movie (brilliant career move, B-T-dubs) he sued her for slander. It was eventually thrown out of court because what she said was true and he was just trying to make money off his daughter’s success. By suing her. Yeah, you don’t really hate Weenie as much anymore, do you?
After a much needed commercial break for VH1 and beer refill for me, we return to find out about Weenie’s latest brilliant idea to make enough money to get a house of his own…..The Bosscarade. I swear, I am not making this shit up.
The best flyer Kinkos had to offer.
It is, as Weener so eloquently puts it, a party for the bosses. He is renting out a club, providing Red Bull and Costco Meatballs in the VIP room, and charging $20 for girls and $25 for dudes to get in. His rationale is that you have to spend money to make money, and he’s almost a grand into this “douchecarade.” His elevated level of assholish narcissism knows no bounds, seriously. I don’t know of anyone who would spend one dollar to come watch him make an ass of himself and eat cheese cubes and Ritz crackers, for real. He’s pretty sure that his dollar store hor d’oeuvres are going to convince people to mingle and party. Yeah, good luck with that.
In the magic editing only this show can deliver, Fanny is suddenly out of town working on her album, when Mom calls to discuss Xavier. She had called Daddy Dearest to get his opinion on the Xavier situation, and he is apparently pissed because he doesn’t think it’s the right decision and he thinks Fanny is overstepping her bounds. Which she may be, but what other option is there? Mom should never have been allowed to procreate in the first place, and the only decision she’s capable of making is which wig to wear today. Daddy Dearest, is, well, Weenster Sr….enough said.
So Mom is calling to try to work out a deal between Fanny and DD. Fanny doesn’t even want to talk to her dad….she’s still bitter over what happened, and I don’t blame her. As if it wasn’t lame enough that he sued her, he sued her for 10 Million Dollars! So that is definitely where Weenie gets his delusional tendencies from.
Why didn’t he just make it an even 1 beeleeon dollars!
What you’ve all been waiting for…it is time for the Bosscarade. The first annual Bosscarade, even. Weenie shows up in the best threads JC Penney has to offer, and I see a couple of flashbulbs, but rather than paparazzi, I’m guessing it’s a few of the VH1 producers and a couple of his dealers. He’s ready to party like a boss, and make that dough….time for his grand entrance. He walks in, and…….crickets. The place is empty, except for this guy:
This guy wasn’t even cool 20 years ago, nevermind now.
Oh, and don’t forget the obligatory fat girls trying to get with a pseudo-celebrity. Hey ladies..you’d be better off with Ray J..look what he did for Kim Kardashian.
Weenie admits he is concerned with the turnout because there only appears to be about 50 people there, and I’m thinking he’s being a bit generous-maybe 50 including staff and his 32 member douche-tourage. He doesn’t want to piss Fanny off by not being able to come up with the money, so according to him he’s going to pull some strings to fill this club up, and if things don’t go his way, there is going to be trouble. As in, a full on temper tantrum, yo.
In the studio, Fanny is screaming her little heart out and putting all of her anguish over her father into creating “good” music…and I use the term good lightly. Although, I do get where she is coming from-pain does bring about great creativity. We are watching her sing, but hearing the produced track…and thank goodness for that. Music producers are magical people. This music making has made her realize that she is ready to talk to her father and try to figure some stuff out.
We are then teleported back to NC magically where Fanny is sitting on her back porch and calling her father. From the first words out of his mouth I can tell he is all we thought him to be and more. He says he is only worried about getting Xavier on the right track, but that is made difficult by the fact that Fanny will never talk to him. He asks her to please communicate with him. Fanny says she needs an apology before she can move on. Daddy Dearest then actually has the balls to ask her, “What have I done to you?”
Hmmmm…you procreated Weenie, you sued me, and you are generally just a Grade A Fuckhead. Does that narrow it down?
Fanny gets pissed, and I don’t blame her a bit. She tells him how much she is still hurting over the lawsuit, and he is just in flat out denial. He swears he has done nothing to her, and she keeps going back to the lawsuit when she should just be moving on.
Lalalala, I’m just going to take a nap and pretend like nothing’s wrong. Just like your whole childhood.
DD says he will not sucker down to nobody-essentially refusing to take any responsibility for his bullshit or to apologize. Fanny tells him she wishes she had a real father she could turn to, that she loves him, and she’s done and over it. She walks off without a word, and I’m actually really sad for her. Regardless of her faults, everybody in her life takes advantage of her and only uses her for her money, and that sucks. Especially to be forsaken by your own father…poor, poor Fanny.
After all that nonsense, Fanny needs to get out of the house. Santezja, Weenie’s hot bitch ex-girlfriend and Fanny’s current friend, calls her up and wants to take her out to eat to catch up. Fanny and Sanny….how cute. I actually like this girl. I’m all about some serious eyeshadow, and she seems to be one of the only people on this show firmly rooted in reality. Sanny and Keef are my dawgs, yo.
Fanny explains to Sanny what’s been going on at her house with Weenie trying to move out, Xavier acting up, and Daddy Dearest, well, being himself. Sanny tells us via voice over that she grew up without any kind of a family, and although DD sucks balls, Fanny should still be grateful that she even has a father and put the past in the past. They confide to each other that they don’t know how to use their chopsticks, and finish their lunch.
And this, my dears, is the serious part of the show. We find Sanny and Fanny at a children’s shelter-the one in which Sanny grew up. Her family was virtually nonexistent, and what was around was incredibly abusive and neglectful. She left as a young teenager, and fled to this shelter. Even with all that, she managed to get a college degree, and with the exception of dating Weenie, is a lovely, well spoken, contributing member of society. I was actually really touched and very impressed by this young lady.
Now if only she would get the hell away from the Barrinos.
She is back at the shelter to talk to the children residing there, and give them a story of hope. That just because your life is sucking right now, you need to keep your eye on the prize and realize that you can still make something out of it.
Fanny, aka Gumby…..
…is there, with the hopes that she will catch the drift of Sanny’s speech. She is hiding in the back so the kids won’t recognize her and take the attention off Sanny. She’s telling her story, the kids are crying, she’s choking up, I’m choking up, it’s really sweet. At the end of it, though, Miss Attention Whore steps out and the kids are all excited, squealing and shit. Sanny, ever classy, just introduces her friend Fantasia. Afterwards in the parking lot, Fanny tells her that she’s going to cry. “I don’t need you to cry for me,” says Sanny. You go girl. The scene ends with a voice over from Sanny basically saying that she thinks Fanny could have had it a lot worse and she needs to suck it up and move on. She says, “if I had that type of family…I would be grateful…” and finally dissolves into tears. And actually? I couldn’t agree more. I hate people who dwell on prior bad things that happen to them, myself included. Put on your big girl panties and move the fuck on.
We then find Fanny sitting with her dog, Diva, and of course, she is asking the dog what she should do about the situation with her father. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt and presume that it is a rhetorical question, but maybe she just got a baggie of the goooood shit and really thinks the dog can help her out. One can never really be sure with this bitch.
“I say put on your barking big girl panties and deal with it. Now get me some damn bacon.”
Fanny decides that she is ready to do her part to make things better. She just wants her dad to be her dad, and to forget about everything that has happened in the past. Well, if you do that, then what in the fark are you going to whine about in the next episode?
Speaking of which, we’re done for tonight, dearies? What do you think is going to happen in the finale, my Gasmic Darlings? Do you think Weenie will end up making any cash off of the Bosscarade? Will Fanny and her Dad be able to work things out? Fanny’s also presenting her album to the record label-will they like it or tell her to bounce? We shall see soon enough!!!
Love and Bubbles,