How to not make it on American Idol: A Las Vegas Story

American Idol

By Guest Columnist | Wednesday, February 1, 2006 | 2:45 pm | 28 Comments
badsinger2.1.31.06simon_headachebadsinger1.31.06

By Dan RenziStep 1: Wear an idiotic costume that makes no sense.
First up: Alexis “Dylon” Linchita shows up to the audition speaking with a hideous Jamaican accent and wearing this ensemble:

rasta

Where is Alexis from? Well, he’s from Bakersfield. That’s in the middle of the California desert. If there are any actual Jamacians in Bakersfield, I presume they ended up there by mistake.

When rejected by the judges (even Paula is snippy with him!) he boo-hoos his regret that perhaps he shouldn’t have shown up to the audition wearing a dumb costume. Had he not worn the costume, perhaps he could have made it. That, and singing better would have helped.

~~~

Step 2: Bring along your weird sister who is living the American Idol dream through you.

psychicsister

Then we meet Erica Davis, who (in an unfortunate lack of judgement) comes to the audition with her sister, who was rejected last year. Back then, psycho (oops! I mean) psychic sister spooked the judges with odd predictions, saying she would win the whole shebang. Too bad her singing sounded like a braying donkey.

This time around, sister predicts Erica will win it all. Snore. But then Erica actually sings alright; sadly, sister jumps in, can’t keep her mouth shut and tries to hijack the moment, most likely in a campaign to steal the spotlight. They are shown the door. If I was Erica, I would have choked my stupid sister on the spot while screaming “I got your prediction right here, beyotch!” But that’s just how I handle things.

Sister’s parting words? “I have predictions for next year. But I feel like keeping them to myself.” Mmmmkay.

~~~

Step 3: Terrify the judges.

ryanhart

In walks Ryan Hart, whose speaking voice is normal; but his singing voice sounds like the noise you make when you tear aluminum foil. (Think about it. It does.) How do you make that sound? By sucking in air while you sing? Whatever, there are some tones of his voice that are so high-pitched, bats circled my house trying to get to the TV and mate with it. His audition left me oddly unsettled. Now I feel like I need to show someone the clip of his audition, or I will get a phone call where a strange voice will tell me I will die in seven days. It’s the new Ring: pass it on, or die. Please, Ryan, don’t crawl out of my TV and eat my face.

~~~

Step 4: Have this hair-do:

mulletman

Enough said.

~~~

Step 5: Be really fat.
Anthony Andolino comes in and sings “Lately” by Jodeci; he does a pretty good job. Potential, but needs work. He is politely excused.

superfat

But then much to Paula’s horror, as the door clicks shut Simon chuckles and says it’s for the best, since “we couldn’t afford the
food bill.” Perhaps Ruben’s lackluster performance has made Simon bitter against his “type.” Although I don’t understand why the editors chose to put this stupid joke in the episode. Did they think it was funny? Ugh.

~~

Step 6: Be a twin.
Maureen and Marnelli Pearson, who look cute as buttons and sing just about as lifelessly as one, make it to the judges based on their “We’re twins!” gimmick factor.

asiantwins

Okay, we see the gimmick, we hear the gimmick, we want to take a picture of the gimmick and post it on cuteoverload.com. BUT NO TWINS HAVE EVER MADE IT PAST THE FIRST DAY OF HOLLYWOOD. No one really cares that you’re a twin unless you’re doing porn. Together. In American Idol, it doesn’t work. Stop it.

~~~

Step 7: Tell the judges you have “perfect pitch.”
Haggi Yedida, bless his patriotic heart, comes in wearing what appear to be parachute pants and a shirt that looks like Betsy Ross barfed all over it.

proudtobeamerican

For his audition, he really gives it his all, singing “God Bless The USA” with the passion possessed only by someone who isn’t American. And speaking of badly–his audition is hideous. Then when questioned as to whether he thought he did a good job–always a sign the judges are going to rip you a new one–Haggi says singing comes naturally “when you have perfect pitch like I do.” Haggi, let me tell you something. Singing is like sex: if you have to convince someone you are good at it, that means you’re really not good at all.

~~~

Step 8: Give Simon a headache.
When asked to tell a little about herself, Princess Brewer says “I’m black, (REALLY?!?) I’m sassy, but I’m also a perfectionist.” Such confidence! We expect great things! Sadly, the only thing she perfected was opening her mouth so wide her whole face could snap off over her head:

notaretha

Needless to say, the sound that came out of there wasn’t great. It made Simon whimper in pain.

Isn’t Las Vegas the “show capital” of America? You would think there are a few people there who can sing. But thinking that would be wrong, according to the American Idol audition. Maybe Seigfreid’s tiger ate all the good ones. Or maybe they were just staying away.

We did see a few exceptions to the “Las Vegas sucks” rule: lovely pop-singing belly-dancer Mecca Madison is cute, country-singing prison guard Heather Ward has pizazz, facial-contortionist blues singer Taylor Hicks looks like he’s having a fit when he sings but he sounds pretty cool. They all got golden tickets. But there was nothing remarkable there; none of them will be Top 10. In fact, the big story with Taylor was that he has prematurely-grayed hair. WHOOPEE.

Other than the Mecca/Heather/Taylor show, the rest of the show was devoted to the antics of bad auditioners. Because apparently there were many. Endless clips of girls singing “I like big butts” while spanking their own big butts, scrawny guys flexing like they have muscles, delusional people crying and threatening to audition again next year, etc. etc. etc. And the band played on.

~~~

Dan Renzi is a television writer for the New York Post. Dan Renzi can’t stop going on reality-TV shows. Dan Renzi’s blog is at danrenzi.typepad.com. Dan Renzi is B-Side’s hero.

28 Comments

  1. 1
    Lizardqueen
    Posted February 1, 2006 at 2:59 pm

    Haggi Yedida. What was up with his ass? It looked like he had a spiral ham in his back pocket. Let’s get on with the real singing.

  2. 2
    OD-TV
    Posted February 1, 2006 at 3:12 pm

    I’m with you LQ – let’s get on with the singing. A couple of shows with bad auditions is enough. Spiral ham – that’s hilarious.

  3. 3
    derder
    Posted February 1, 2006 at 3:51 pm

    This one was a snoozer. I agree- I am getting tired of the bad auditions.
    “Haggi Yedida- wearing a shirt that looks like Betsy Ross barfed all over it”. That made me lol…

  4. 4
    mspixiechick
    Posted February 1, 2006 at 3:55 pm

    I could very well be wrong, but I thought Princess said she was blunt, not black? Overall a bad audition show completely, except for Taylor Hicks. I know he won’t win AI, but I love his voice.

  5. 5
    jenniferbliss
    Posted February 1, 2006 at 4:04 pm

    Good review, bad episode of the show. The “ring” reference was funny.

  6. 6
    PattiJo
    Posted February 1, 2006 at 4:07 pm

    mspixiechick I believe you are right about the blunt thing. I thought she said black also, but then they compared her to Simon and how he is blunt.

    Dan I hadn’t really liked your last two post but this one is waaaaaay better then the other two. Keep it like this and I will not think B-side has to come back.

  7. 7
    jash
    Posted February 1, 2006 at 4:08 pm

    another comically entertaining recap!

    seriously, betsy ross would be horrified with that shirt!

    i love me some dan recaps.

    i’ve made the claim before, but those who will bash you have no soul. or are republicans.

  8. 8
    jenny10girl
    Posted February 1, 2006 at 4:15 pm

    Better recap than the last two…but still not up to ‘Gasm par…

  9. 9
    Lizardqueen
    Posted February 1, 2006 at 4:35 pm

    If you need to like a writer who is gay AND uproariously funny, read David Sedaris. He sets the bar so high and thank Christ for that.

  10. 10
    chronic
    Posted February 1, 2006 at 5:30 pm

    As far as I can tell, that Ryan Hart guy just sounds like a screamo singer, not that it makes it better. But he wasn’t just making random noise.

    Yep, I’ve had enough! That faux-reggae guy was the last straw. It’s just insulting that they just keep putting on clowns like this just to stretch out the ratings. Butgs me that they’re trying too hard to come up with another Hung. There is only one Hung!

    Did the auditions go on this long in previous seasons.

  11. 11
    TinkerbellAPixie
    Posted February 1, 2006 at 6:55 pm

    “Dan Renzi is B-Side’s hero”
    THAT splains it! I was beginning to wonder.

    It seems Dan Renzi does’t return the fandom – as evidenced by his lack of response to any of our comments on Dan Renzi’s recap pages and the lack of his comments anywhere else. It would be cool to see Dan Renzi post a shout out to B-side after one of his brilliant recaps.

    Btw, does anyone else find the constant use of Dan Renzi’s full name to reak of “Steven Hillism” (Also known as “Jenna Lewisism” Check any ‘Kill Reality’ recap – the constant need to refer to oneself using the full name to help attempt to get that name known, part of that thirst for attention a.k.a. Stretchin that 15 minutes.)

  12. 12
    Tracie
    Posted February 1, 2006 at 7:26 pm

    Hey…I’m a Republican and I thought this recap was funny…

  13. 13
    J-Unit
    Posted February 1, 2006 at 7:27 pm

    No one really cares that you’re a twin unless you’re doing porn

    Or if you’re in a massage parlor.

  14. 14
    derder
    Posted February 1, 2006 at 7:36 pm

    Tinkie- My guess is Dan does give shoutouts and comments, but probably under a different moniker. “I couldn’t help but wonder”… (said in my best Carrie Bradshaw)… is Dan BigMax?????

  15. 15
    TinkerbellAPixie
    Posted February 1, 2006 at 9:27 pm

    OK I am now picturing you as SJP from now on. You must know that I ran back through the comments to re-read anything by BigMax and you could be right. (dun dun DUN)

  16. 16
    Victoria
    Posted February 1, 2006 at 10:26 pm

    I think this recap was way better than the previous 2-and way better than the actual show. I think Dan may be starting to hit his stride. This show sucked. When do they get on to the real stuff? It is pretty bad when they show clips of the same people singing more than one bad song. They couldn’t have spent that time showing us some of the other 8 people who made it through? They shouldn’t go to Vegas next year.

  17. 17
    zoobabe
    Posted February 2, 2006 at 3:47 am

    “Singing is like sex: if you have to convince someone you are good at it, that means you’re really not good at all.”

    Excellent point. This made me LOL!
    Btw- that Ryan guy could get a gig singing for Drowning Pool (Let The Bodies Hit The Floor). That’s who he sounded like.

  18. 18
    Aries
    Posted February 2, 2006 at 5:37 am

    Chronic, the auditions did go on this long in the previous seasons. Maybe I’m a sadist but this is my favorite part. Where else could you see a guy sing a ‘song’ from the movie “Trading Places” when the ‘song’ was even treated like a joke in the movie? And where else would you see Paula and Randy’s greed and sell outedness come back to bite them in the butt when a contestant who sings HORRIBLY credits his skills to their DVD? The upcoming group auditions are the most boring for me because I can’t tell who anyone is and before you can bond or identify with anyone, they are usually cut. To me, AI gets started again once they have it narrowed down to the final twelve.

    And great recap, Dan. I didn’t think the other two were that bad and didn’t really understand all the hate people piled on. His reviews were no worse than Kat’s, and no one ever jumps all over her case.

  19. 19
    bluebell
    Posted February 2, 2006 at 6:35 am

    I try so hard not to be a hater, (it’s so uncool), but kudos to TinkerbellAPixie, #11. My thoughts exactly.

  20. 20
    OD-TV
    Posted February 2, 2006 at 6:44 am

    #9 Sedaris is incredible, also Augusten Burroughs.

    It seems like Paula is saying “no” to the few people that sound good. It is so strange.

  21. 21
    jennyc
    Posted February 2, 2006 at 6:46 am

    “Taylor Hicks looks like he’s having a fit when he sings but he sounds pretty cool”

    I think this further proves Taylor’s point when he said “No one even knows who Joe Cocker is anymore.” I read a similar comment about his spasticness on another board. He was imitating Cocker!

  22. 22
    BigMax
    Posted February 2, 2006 at 7:00 am

    Uh, no. Dan is not me. I’m a lawyer in Michigan who never even thought about being on reality TV. Great recap, though. And I enjoyed the shout-out.

  23. 23
    littledarling
    Posted February 2, 2006 at 8:59 am

    Thank you JennyC #21! That’s exactly what I was going to say-his impersonation of Joe Cocker was spot-on!
    #9 Lizardqueen, my opinion of you went through the roof with your shout-out to the comic genius that is David Sedaris.

  24. 24
    joyfulchicken
    Posted February 2, 2006 at 9:38 am

    I agree with #20. Paula seems to be saying “no” a lot this year, especially when she gets the first vote.

    It’s almost as if she is afraid that Randy and Simon would make fun of her if she accidentally says “yes” to a mediocre singer.

    In short, Paula is trying hard to not look like an idiot… not that she’s very good at it.

  25. 25
    chronic
    Posted February 2, 2006 at 10:30 am

    #18, hm, there was definitely not 3 1/2 weeks of auditions Season 1. This is tricky info to track down. But from what I can tell, seems they had one audition episode Season 1, three for Seasons 2-3, which then ballooned to 7 for Season 4, which I didn’t watch at all.

    Anyone got any conclusive numbers?

  26. 26
    Leah3t
    Posted February 2, 2006 at 1:10 pm

    To quote one of youcan’tmakeitup’s AI recap of last season–

    “Why. do. fat. people. put. themselves. in. harm’s. way.”

  27. 27
    Aries
    Posted February 3, 2006 at 5:54 am

    Chronic, I didn’t watch season 1 of AI so you’re probably correct. As long as I’ve been watching (embarassingly since season 2) it seems like they always go to 4 or 5 cities during the audition process and it takes about a month. But don’t take this to mean I’m arguing the point because I’ll concede I might just as easily be wrong.

  28. 28
    AbbyAnn
    Posted February 3, 2006 at 12:21 pm

    I think they’ve always gone to a bunch of cities, but they haven’t always dedicated a full hour (or even two, geesh) of programming to each city.

    I guess their ratings are still good, even though the audition episodes are all the same (fat person can’t sing and Simon cracks weight joke while Paula gets mad, cute girl can’t sing but gets through anyway, unattractive guy can sing and they act surprised, people generally act like total idiots to get on tv and cry and whine when they are mocked…)

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