By Dan RenziStep 1: Wear an idiotic costume that makes no sense.
First up: Alexis “Dylon” Linchita shows up to the audition speaking with a hideous Jamaican accent and wearing this ensemble:
Where is Alexis from? Well, he’s from Bakersfield. That’s in the middle of the California desert. If there are any actual Jamacians in Bakersfield, I presume they ended up there by mistake.
When rejected by the judges (even Paula is snippy with him!) he boo-hoos his regret that perhaps he shouldn’t have shown up to the audition wearing a dumb costume. Had he not worn the costume, perhaps he could have made it. That, and singing better would have helped.
Step 2: Bring along your weird sister who is living the American Idol dream through you.
Then we meet Erica Davis, who (in an unfortunate lack of judgement) comes to the audition with her sister, who was rejected last year. Back then, psycho (oops! I mean) psychic sister spooked the judges with odd predictions, saying she would win the whole shebang. Too bad her singing sounded like a braying donkey.
This time around, sister predicts Erica will win it all. Snore. But then Erica actually sings alright; sadly, sister jumps in, can’t keep her mouth shut and tries to hijack the moment, most likely in a campaign to steal the spotlight. They are shown the door. If I was Erica, I would have choked my stupid sister on the spot while screaming “I got your prediction right here, beyotch!” But that’s just how I handle things.
Sister’s parting words? “I have predictions for next year. But I feel like keeping them to myself.” Mmmmkay.
Step 3: Terrify the judges.
In walks Ryan Hart, whose speaking voice is normal; but his singing voice sounds like the noise you make when you tear aluminum foil. (Think about it. It does.) How do you make that sound? By sucking in air while you sing? Whatever, there are some tones of his voice that are so high-pitched, bats circled my house trying to get to the TV and mate with it. His audition left me oddly unsettled. Now I feel like I need to show someone the clip of his audition, or I will get a phone call where a strange voice will tell me I will die in seven days. It’s the new Ring: pass it on, or die. Please, Ryan, don’t crawl out of my TV and eat my face.
Step 4: Have this hair-do:
Step 5: Be really fat.
Anthony Andolino comes in and sings “Lately” by Jodeci; he does a pretty good job. Potential, but needs work. He is politely excused.
But then much to Paula’s horror, as the door clicks shut Simon chuckles and says it’s for the best, since “we couldn’t afford the
food bill.” Perhaps Ruben’s lackluster performance has made Simon bitter against his “type.” Although I don’t understand why the editors chose to put this stupid joke in the episode. Did they think it was funny? Ugh.
Step 6: Be a twin.
Maureen and Marnelli Pearson, who look cute as buttons and sing just about as lifelessly as one, make it to the judges based on their “We’re twins!” gimmick factor.
Okay, we see the gimmick, we hear the gimmick, we want to take a picture of the gimmick and post it on cuteoverload.com. BUT NO TWINS HAVE EVER MADE IT PAST THE FIRST DAY OF HOLLYWOOD. No one really cares that you’re a twin unless you’re doing porn. Together. In American Idol, it doesn’t work. Stop it.
Step 7: Tell the judges you have “perfect pitch.”
Haggi Yedida, bless his patriotic heart, comes in wearing what appear to be parachute pants and a shirt that looks like Betsy Ross barfed all over it.
For his audition, he really gives it his all, singing “God Bless The USA” with the passion possessed only by someone who isn’t American. And speaking of badly–his audition is hideous. Then when questioned as to whether he thought he did a good job–always a sign the judges are going to rip you a new one–Haggi says singing comes naturally “when you have perfect pitch like I do.” Haggi, let me tell you something. Singing is like sex: if you have to convince someone you are good at it, that means you’re really not good at all.
Step 8: Give Simon a headache.
When asked to tell a little about herself, Princess Brewer says “I’m black, (REALLY?!?) I’m sassy, but I’m also a perfectionist.” Such confidence! We expect great things! Sadly, the only thing she perfected was opening her mouth so wide her whole face could snap off over her head:
Needless to say, the sound that came out of there wasn’t great. It made Simon whimper in pain.
Isn’t Las Vegas the “show capital” of America? You would think there are a few people there who can sing. But thinking that would be wrong, according to the American Idol audition. Maybe Seigfreid’s tiger ate all the good ones. Or maybe they were just staying away.
We did see a few exceptions to the “Las Vegas sucks” rule: lovely pop-singing belly-dancer Mecca Madison is cute, country-singing prison guard Heather Ward has pizazz, facial-contortionist blues singer Taylor Hicks looks like he’s having a fit when he sings but he sounds pretty cool. They all got golden tickets. But there was nothing remarkable there; none of them will be Top 10. In fact, the big story with Taylor was that he has prematurely-grayed hair. WHOOPEE.
Other than the Mecca/Heather/Taylor show, the rest of the show was devoted to the antics of bad auditioners. Because apparently there were many. Endless clips of girls singing “I like big butts” while spanking their own big butts, scrawny guys flexing like they have muscles, delusional people crying and threatening to audition again next year, etc. etc. etc. And the band played on.
Dan Renzi is a television writer for the New York Post. Dan Renzi can’t stop going on reality-TV shows. Dan Renzi’s blog is at danrenzi.typepad.com. Dan Renzi is B-Side’s hero.