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Thursday, January 25, 2007
2:07 am
51 Comments
Now this, this is what we’ve been waiting for. After five hours of amusing, odd, occasionally engaging, but rarely auditions, American Idol finally hit its stride in New York City, and I’m not just saying that as a native New Yorker. The producers wisely minimized the freak show element, instead emphasizing the good and relishing in the melodramatic. We had tears, sobs, monologues, and more tears, and guess what? It was riveting! Plus, the show actually managed to be occasionally surprising as hopefuls who at first glance appeared to be nothing more than that — hopefuls — but when they opened their mouths, they proved that talent can sometimes come in the most hideous of outfits. Of course, we certainly had our terrible singers — made all the more terrible and hilarious by their skilled counterparts — but really, the story was that we finally found some people who we could envision as the next American Idol. Oh, and let’s not forget the eye candy.Tonight’s two hour show began in the Big Apple… or rather… the state next to the Big Apple. Even though the auditions were held at Manhattan’s Chelsea Piers, the crowds gathered at the Continental Airlines Arena at the Meadowlands, which last time I checked was hardcore Jersey territory. Ryan tried to have us guess how many people showed up, and while it was fun to hear all the estimates, I wound up totally frustrated by the fact that they never told us. Did I miss it? If I did, please fill me in.
Anyway, we had another guest judge tonight, and it was none other than Mrs. Garrett’s new rival, Joan Collins. Oh wait, never mind. It was merely Carol Bayer Sager, a sassy old school song writer who’s penned much of the songs on your local Lite FM station (not to mention my secret stash of embarrassing MP3s). If you’ve got “Groovy Kind of Love” in your CD player, you’ve got Carol Bayer Sager in your ears.
“You can call me Alexis.”
I was suspicious of CaBaSa at first, but by the time the show came to a close, I actually enjoyed her presence. She was neither harsh nor a pushover — just a gussied up old dame who knew how to deliver some straight talk and rock the leather jacket. Anyway, Carol Bayer Sager (or CBS… or if I didn’t like her, Carol BS) was significantly better than other guest judges (cough, JEWEL, cough), but her presence also completely disrupted the judging table universe. For the first time, Paula actually sat at the end of the table, no longer flanked by the men who perhaps keep her in her chair. I was afraid she might roll off into oblivion without a warm body to her right, but I’m proud to say, Paula survived this new arrangement. For those of you wondering, it went Paula, Randy, Carol, and Simon. Craziness, people. Craziness.
Anyway, first up to audition was a guy named Ian Bernardo, a flamboyantly gay reject from sister show, So You Think You Can Dance. Ian was 100% annoying, but not because he seemed like a vapid idiot, but mostly because his schtick was so transparently a ploy for camera time. We watched him galavanting through the street, spurning “illegals” and telling everyone else “How you been?” Most people were justifiably scared and recoiled as soon as he opened his mouth. This didn’t seem to deter Ian from his quest for stardom. He showed up in front of the judges and announced that he “thawt” he could be the next American Idol. He then insisted that he was already a superstar, and if we needed further proof, we could ask his friends, his family, or one of his therapists. Well rehearsed.
Up until this point, I still kind of believed that Ian was a delusional idiot, but when he started to sing “Gloria” by the late Laura Brannigan, it became obvious that this was all to get on TV. His singing style was kind of like a modified rap — a weird merger between freestyle and Barbara Streisand.
Simon immediately saw Ian for what he was and called the act rubbish. “That’s British for garbage?” Ian asked. No, that’s American for garbage, you dumb ass. Well, unhappy that the judges had so cruelly dismissed him, Ian then demanded to see Simon’s working visa, a request that unsurprisingly was not granted. Outside, Ian got the last laugh though. He hit Simon where it hurt the most: with a labored dodo bird joke. OUCH! Say what you will, but it takes a man of stone to not crumble in the wake of dodo humor.
Next up was Ohio’s Sarah Burgess, a girl who would set the melodramatic tone of the night. You see, she lied to her parents about coming to audition. She told them she was at school and at a friend’s house, but in fact, she was in NYC, hoping to be the next big star. As she relayed this to us, she began to cry, saying how her father would never approve of this on account of him not supporting her dream to be a singer. “He never believes in me,” she sobbed, suddenly turning all of America into her therapist. She just wanted to hear her father tell her he’s proud of her. “I never live up to his expectations. Never,” she said. To be fair, the one expectation he had of her was to never cry on national TV. OH WELL!
Well, Sarah marched into the audition room… and cried some more. She told the judges that she had come to the auditions against her dad’s wishes because she wanted it that bad, and because she was pretty and sympathetic, the judges actually seemed moved by this story. Of course, if there’s one thing we know about domineering, hardheaded fathers, it’s that nobody puts Baby in the corner. Sure enough, Sarah sang a rendition of Blondie’s “Call Me” that wasn’t excellent, but it was pretty good — good enough for Carol Bayer Sager to pop on her sweeeet blue shades. The BaySager — keepin’ it cool!
Anyway, Simon didn’t think she was the best singer, but he admired her winning spirit, labeling her as a “trier.” Carol, meanwhile, did her best to put those tear ducts into overdrive as she told Sarah that she wanted to sit at home with her dad and make him take back her words. The poor girl looked like she might pass out from dehydration with all the tears she shed, and it only got worse once the judges gave her the golden ticket. Sarah emerged from the room, and guess what? SHE WEPT.
Of course, there was only one thing left to do: call Dad! With Ryan Seacrest hovering over her like the meddlesome DJ he is, Sarah called up her father, BOB, and immediately began crying into the phone. If I were him, I would have thought a) she’d been mugged, b) she was pregnant, c) she was raped, or d) all of the above. Of course, that’s assuming he even knew who she was, which he didn’t.
“Please don’t be mad at me, Dad,” she said, causing Bob to reply, “Who is this?” The dreaded truth comes out: SARAH HAS NO DAD!
Okay, no, she does have a dad. He probably couldn’t recognize her voice amidst all the sobs. Nevertheless, Sarah informed Bob that the girl who was calling him “Dad” was in fact his daughter (a stretch, I know) and then told him that she skipped town and auditioned for Idol and now she’s going to Hollywood. Bob let out a happy “Great!” and then told Seacrest, “As long as she gets home safe…” Yes, that is when the lashings shall begin!
After the commercial break, the producers made a tragic hairpin turn by then flashing Constantine Maroulis’s face on the screen. Please. Never again. When I was done vomiting, I discovered that the reason for presenting this horrifying image was because his female equivalent had shown up to audition. She was proudly Greek, and about as attractive as Connie, which is not saying much. Her name was Fania Tsakalakos, and according to her, she was invited to participate in an Idol-ish show back in the mother country. However, Fania turned down Grecian Idol for whatever reason, instead opting to be a backup dancer. She always regretted the choice, and now she was here to fulfill her dream of being an idol in some form or another. And hey, if she was good enough for Greek Idol, she had to be good enough for America, right?
Well, Fania happily stood in front of the judges and butchered an all time fave of mine, “Africa” by Toto. This did not bode well for Hellenic Idol. “That was actually appalling!” Simon said, clearly not realizing that Nia Vardolos’s huge family would surely vote this girl into the finals. Oh well. I guess he wasn’t a big fan(ia).
“I call this move The Baklava!”
Next up was one of the highlights of the night. This singer was not bad. She was not good. But she was crazy memorable. Her name was Ashanti Johnson, and she’d actually made it to Hollywood twice before. Third time was the charm, and she was determined to finally break through into the semis. However, Ashanti made the bold move of singing “Loving You,” or as it’s commonly known, “The Song with Girl Who Squeaks A Lot.”
Here’s the truth. Ashanti was good. She hit all the notes, even the super high ones, but the song choice killed her. It made her seem old fashioned and dull, and while I thought she probably deserved a golden ticket, in the context of her having been to Hollywood twice before, I understood why the judges weren’t so quick to advance her. Simon lobbed the old “cabaret” label, and Carol Bayer Sager said she should seriously consider a career in Broadway. Ah, but bright lights in the big city were not what Ashanti wanted. She wanted to be on stage on TV — up there in the final twelve. And so began one of the most melodramatic moments in Idol audition history (underscored by the show, which graciously scored Ashanti’s ensuing rant with a moody piano).
“Simon, you don’t understand!” Ashanti pleaded. “I have fought so hard!” But Simon could care less. She then desperately begged for feedback, asking, “How’s my intonation? How’s my timing? How’s my pitch?… What do you need to hear from ME???” I swore at any moment she was gonna go all Schindler’s List and yell, “I could have got more out. I could have got more. I don’t know. If I’d just… I could have got more…. I could have gotten one more person… and I didn’t! And I… I didn’t! “
“This is totally ruining my high.”
Anyway, Ashanti then launched into a monologue worthy of Mary Catherine Gallagher, ultimately climaxing in the dramatic insistence that “If America saw me, they would love me. THEY WOULD LOVE ME.” Anyone else have “AND YOU! AND YOU! YOU’RE GONNA LOVE ME!!!!” racing through their heads?
“Aaaand I am telling you. I’m not going…”
Once Ashanti’s torch song of an existence was pathetically ushered out of the room, we then met Amanda and Antonella, two prototypical, and hot, Jersey Girls. They filled us in with all the banal details of their lives, with Antonella explaining “We hang out, go to the beach together,” and Amanda adding, “Sometimes we like to, you know, play with a beach bawll.” Don’t get too crazy now, girls! You see, this is what happens when the youth of America goes unchecked. Total beach ball mania!
Anyway, I was highly doubtful of these two girls, especially when they proposed a dual winner for Idol, noting that a duo would sell a lot of albums, especially if it were them because they’re hot. Hey, I wasn’t going to argue that point. Antonella in particular was quite the specimen, despite her fake boobies.
Well, Amanda was first to audition, but when she mentioned that she came all this way with her friend, who was also auditioning, the judges told Antonella to come into the room also. Sure enough, as soon as Antonella entered, everyone perked up. Oh, ANTONELLA, my Jersey goddess!
Anyhoo, the girls commented that they sing duets quite often, and so of course the judges asked them to perform one. Truth be told, it was a chaotic mess, BUT their voices didn’t sound hopeless. It was just hard to focus on the singing when the back-and-forth was so distracting. The judges decided to have them sing one at a time instead. Amanda was first, and she sang pretty well. Nothing too great, but because she was cute, she managed to get the golden ticket with a rather unenthusiastic consensus of “Sure…” Hey, why not? Gotta have some lookers, right?
Next was Antonella, who said she had less (read: no) training, but that didn’t matter. She was a much better singer than Amanda, and easily earned herself a golden ticket. Plus, Simon gave her some advice about dealing with her friend: “When somebody’s down on the floor, kick them.” OH SIMON! You scalawag!
By the way, I had to hand it to Antonella and Amanda. I thought they’d be total disasters, but instead, they were pretty impressive. Guess you can never judge a book by its cover. A lesson for all of us! (Insert NBC shooting star and “The More You Know” here).
Our next hopeful was Clifton Biddle from Delaware. He described himself as “just your Average Joe.” Emphasis on “average,” if you will. He performed some odd beatboxing for us, and then told the judges that he worked at a bank, which he loved because the people made him feel like he was on a reality show. This induced uncontrollable cackling from Simon, but he was soon silenced as Clifton began his fairly dreadful ZZ Top performance. The audition was lively, for sure, but not particularly good. Clifton then followed it up with a little harmonica bit, but that wasn’t enough to save himself. Denied.
We were then treated to a medley of bad singers, such as Philip Burton, who screamed through some awful song. There was also an astronaut (why? why?), and one soft-voiced boy named William Van Stone Jr. whose rendition of a Selena song had me laughing way harder than I expected.
As Day 1 came to a close, Kia Thornton took the stage and sang Aretha Franklin’s “Ain’t No Way.” She was really good; although, I must admit I was distracted by some email in my inbox at the time. No matter. The judges told her she was the best of the day, she cried, went nuts, and all that other good stuff. Good singer but kind of boring in my opinion. Hence, checking the email.
We then headed into Day 2, and because Simon had a hangover, the auditions had to start without him. This meant we had the bizarre sight of a Paula/Randy/CarBaySag arrangement at the table. It just keeps getting stranger and stranger, I tell you.
Well, the day started off with a guy who was sure to set the ladies’ hearts aflutter. His name was Jenry Bejarano, and he was pretty much the male answer to Antonella. At only 16, he was guaranteed success as either the next American Idol or the heir to Tyson Beckford’s throne. Or both.
Honestly, it’s like looking into a mirror.
Anyway, Jenry had been adopted into a Bolivian family when he was a baby, which meant we got to meet his mother, who seemed like a total sweetheart of a woman, and then finally it was time for the audition. Paula and Carol’s jaws nearly hit the floor when Jenry walked in, and I was shocked that Paula didn’t jump out of her seat and hop into his arms. Well, turns out Jenry could sing. In fact, he could sing really well — probably one of the best males so far. Like Antonella, he easily made it to Hollywood, and not just because of his looks alone. I know it’s early, but I would be shocked if Antonella and Jenry don’t make it to the finals, based on their double threat of talent and beauty. Hey, it’s a superficial world. Looks matter in entertainment (for the most part).
“Mama like! Mama like!”
Speaking of hot, next up was a girl named Nakia (not to be confused with the phone company, Nokia). She was short, heavy, and goofy looking, but she also had bundles of affable, if not bizarre, energy. She told us that she had to keep her composure because “You don’t want people to think you’re crazy.” Uh, yeah. Too late for that.
Anyway, this lovable spaz entered the audition room like a whirling dervish. I could almost hear a dixieland band scoring her every move. She decided to sing “Dancing in the Streets,” and the shock was that she wasn’t as awful as I thought she’d be. Nakia was full of energy, pep, and vibrato. However, when the judges asked her to sing something else and bring it down a notch, the flaws in her voice became apparent. The judges, who were formerly smiling and cheering, were now grimacing and recoiling. Paula told Nakia that she needed work, and Carol observed that the first song had won them over with its pizzazz, but that the second song revealed bad pitch. Sorry, Toots. It’s over.
Nakia walked dejectedly to the door, and just before leaving, she took a page from Ashanti and turned all melodramatic on us. “I gotta lot of people that really want me to go. I can’t let ‘em down,” Nakia pleaded. The judges tried to reason with her, but it was to no avail. She tearful pled for another chance, at one point asking, “What is it about my pitch?”
“It’s off,” Carol said, cold as ice. Don’t cross the Carolmeister. She’s burn ya! She’ll burn ya!
Finally, Nakia slunk out of the room, bawling into her mother’s arms. “I just wish I could change their mind. I just wish I could change their mind…” she said, again tugging at the heartstrings of America. Hey, Nakia should just thank her lucky stars that Simon was MIA because she would have been suicidal after the things he would have said.
Most depressing screencap EVER.
Trying to make Nakia feel better was the next auditioner, Sarah Goldberg. She got up in front of the judges and sang a totally flat, nasal version of Selena that at times sounded like Lisa Simpson. When the performance was done, Carol Bayer Sager had only one question:
“Do you in your heart really think you can sing?”
Shockingly, Sarah replied with “No.”
Huh?
Sarah explained that all her friends made fun of her for being tone deaf, and after a lot of back and forth between her and Randy, she then got around to her point. She felt she could be the next American Idol because she could be taught. Uh, yeah. Not so much. Soon, she too was crying and shrieking and occasionally dipping into bouts of bitter, angry, and defiant laughter, and because tonight was Bombastic Histrionics Night, she too launched into a monologue that climaxed with “I can be the only American Idol that has never sung before. LOOK AT THIS!!! I’M UNIQUE!!!!! WOOOO!!!!” There was something amazingly wonderful and depressing and sad and pathetic about the whole scene. One girl’s desperate attempt to prove she was more than just another face in the crowd. Normally, such an over-the-top effort would be recognized. But on a night like tonight when seemingly everyone was delivering impassioned monologues, Sarah was ironically just another face in the crowd, unique no more.
Ha, who am I kidding, trying to get all meaningful? She sucked and was crazy. After her proclamation of uniqueness, Sarah then dramatically stepped towards the exit and meekly concluded, “I wanted to be the next American Idol.” She then pressed her weight against the door, but like so many others this year, it was the wrong, yet appropriate, door.
Afterwards, the Sarah Show continued as she revved up another rant, saying how all the auditioners were people and they deserved resepect and yada yada yada. “I HAVE BECOME FRIENDS WITH THESE GUYS! I HAVE BECOME FRIENDS WITH RAY AND JEN AND RAY THE SECURITY GUARD,” she yelled. “And they told me that THESE PEOPLE went out last night DRINKING in New York City until three o’clock in the morning, and THAT IS RUDE!!!!” Amen, sister. Now shut up and go away.
Speaking of drinking, Simon finally showed up at noon, just in time to hear Antonio Torres Jr., a fortysomething creepy dude, singing “New York, New York,” or as he pronounced it, “New Yore, New Yore.” We never heard what the judges had to say about him. The horrified looks were enough.
Then came Jory Steinberg, another cutie (despite her omigawd hair and the distractingly large metal plate covering her navel). Anyway, Jory was from Ottawa; although, she currently resided in Santa Monica (a.k.a. the other side of the country. Did no one tell her about the Pasadena auditions?). She informed us that as a child, she met like every prince, princess, president, prime minister, and queen EVER. Why? Never really explained. Her dad was probably a diplomat or something. Nevertheless, she told us, “If I can hang out with the Queen of England, I can definitely kick it with Simon Cowell.” Hahahaha SHUT UP.
Well, Jory resurrected an old Tina Arena song I hadn’t heard in about ten years, and she was pretty good; although, I found her a tad boring. Simon called her “Terrific,” but I think that’s probably because he wanted to get in with Camilla Parker Bowles. Anyway, no shock here. Jory got the golden ticket. Somebody call Queen Elizabeth! Her BFF is going to Hollywood!
Next up was Porcelana Patino, a girl who claimed to be repping Queens, despite blatant Rocky music playing in the background (isn’t that more iconic for Philly?). Well, the reason we heard this music was because Porcelana had been training for this audition for a year. She used to be a chunky monkey, as we saw in pictures, but after a year of hard work and determination, she’d shed her baby fat, much to her credit. In the pre-audition interview, we only saw her dressed in baggy sweats; so it was a pretty big shock to see her walk into the room dressed like a Pussycat Doll, but hootchier.
This had disaster written all over it, but… she didn’t suck at all. In fact, Porcelana was really good (and in HD, you could actually see her pubes poking out over the top of her pants. Sorry, it had to be noted). Anyway, Paula, Carol, and Simon all liked her, and somehow, this scene wound up as a big Golden Girls-esque group hug (minus Simon, natch). If I had to take a guess, however, I’d put my money on Porcelana clashing with someone in Hollywood and never making it to the semi-finals. But who knows?
Sounds like it’s time for some cheesecake in the kitchen.
After a nifty montage which featured the judges mispronouncing various names, we then met Christopher Henry, a plucky kid who claimed to be often mistaken for George Michael and Simon Cowell. I’d have thrown in Donny Osmond before Simon, but hey, that’s just me. Truth was he didn’t look anything like Simon, except that they both had a penchant for low necklines. Well, Christopher decided to sing a Kelly Clarkson song, always a bold move for a male, and while his voice wasn’t awful, it sure was irritating, especially in the higher, feminine registers. It sounded less like a falsetto, and more like a female impersonation. Therefore, it was no surprise that Simon told Christopher that he should be in a dress and stilettos. Christopher then offered to do a song that was less jarring, but Simon wouldn’t hear it. Why didn’t he just do the non-feminine song first?
Anyway, Paula was absolutely livid that Simon told Christopher that he’d be a better drag act (it was true), and she became increasingly angry as she tried to give constructive criticism and Simon kept interrupting her. She eventually got out of her chair and faux-wrestled the surly Brit, but finally, she returned and gave her verdict to Christopher, which was “Not right for the competition.” Simon then asked her to repeat it, and she sneered, “I said ‘Not right for the competition,’ JERK!” Say it, Paula: He’s a COLD HEARTED SNAKE.
Next up was a colorful girl, literally. She seemed to be wearing every color in the rainbow on her outfit, saving hot pink for the choice spot on her lips. Her name was Rachel Zevita, and she said something about how coming to the Idol auditions might cost her a scholarship or something like that. Sorry, I was still distracted by the kaleidoscope of hues on her face.
“Excuse me. I look for Eastern European Arts & Crafts fair. You know where?”
Anyway, Rachel’s first song wasn’t very good, but it had hints of promise. Carol actually liked it, prompting Rachel to sing some Oleta Adams instead. It was better, but still weird and very different. Finally, the judges asked to hear her opera (because that’s what she was training in, I think), and sure enough, that was definitely her best performance. However, Rachel wanted to be a pop star, not an opera star, and for whatever reason, the judges decided to go out on a limb with her. They actually gave her the golden ticket, again sending an unlikely hopeful to Hollywood. Crazy night!
We then sat through a montage of bad singers crooning “All Night Long” by Lionel Richie, leaving us to once again groan through this very old “let’s mash up the crazy people” joke. Finally, it was time for more auditions, and walking into the room was Christopher Richardson, who would be singing a song that had been “interpretated” by Donnie Hathaway. Despite his grammatical failings, Christopher was actually really good, and the judges even compared him to Justin Timberlake. Needless to say, he earned a trip to Hollywood, causing his dad to later go absolutely nuts in the holding room. Somebody get a taser…
Next up was Nicholas Pedro, who made it to Hollywood last season but bowed out after he failed to remember the lyrics to “Buttercup.” Personally, I didn’t remember this guy at all, but everyone else did — even Carol. Yes, the Carol Bayer Sager. Well, not much to say here. Nicholas once again won over the judges, causing Paula to get all loopy(er). Without debate, he earned a spot back in Hollywood, and afterwards, Carol remarked, “I like him!” Looks like Alexis Carrington has found her new prey!
Alas, we were now at the end of the show, and there was only last girl to audition. Ryan had hyped her up to be “the end of music as we know it,” so as you can imagine, I was very excited. Two years later, it’s still hard to top Mary Roach in my book, but I was willing and open to hearing other freaks. Well, this last girl was Isadora Furman, and she seemed to be fond of strumming her guitar on street corners. You know, like a bum. Her first name started with a J., but for whatever reason, she was deeply ashamed to say it. Ryan kept calling her “Julie,” and at one point, she seemed to recognize that that was her name, but I still wasn’t sure. Nor did I care. It should be known that I would have been really intrigued had her name been Juanita, or better yet, JACAMO! But that’s besides the point.
Anyway, Isadora revealed that she was a professional clairvoyant, ie. she read palms, ie. she had no tangible skills. She then boasted that her voice sounded like Pat Benatar or Stevie Nicks or Janice Joplin. Or a garbage disposal, but that’s neither here nor there. Isadora stepped in front of the judges and immediately clammed up, saying she was thankful for God’s gifts, the main gift being MASSIVE DELUSION. After a few nervous moments, she then began singing “Lady Marmalade,” but honestly, using the word “singing” is entirely too generous. It sounded like one big, breathy orgasm, replete with squeals and gasps. Yeah, it was fairly terrible, especially because in conjured up images of this girl having sex, and that was unwelcomed.
If KT Tunstall and Gretchen Wilson had a lovechild with something AWFUL…
Nevertheless, Isadora was rejected; although, she really wasn’t the craziest, most awful singer by a long shot. She was, however, a fun note to leave off on. Next week, we head to Alabama, which can only mean more insanity. What did you think about tonight’s show? Do you agree that it was the perfect blend of talent, awfulness, and melodrama? Or am I being too gushy?
Who were your favorites? Who was snubbed, if at all? And how will Antonella and Jenry’s looks help them in the coming weeks?
TV Social
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51 Comments
My goodness, that Jenry is so good looking. From the previews, I thought maybe he was 20-ish….it turns out he’s only 16! Ew, now I feel like a cougar. And that voice just made him a total babe. I also liked the guy who sounded like Justin Timberlake. There was something about him that I really liked.
To be honest, I can’t really remember anyone else. Jenry was just too good looking that I forgot everyone else.
I feel like such a perv talking about Jenry, but my goodness…he’s only like…4 years younger than me, that’s not too bad right? Still illegal? damn. So cute that boy. How can he be only 16?
He will definitely make it far if he doesn’t screw up before the live voting.
“Porcelana was really good (and in HD, you could actually see her pubes poking out over the top of her pants. ”
Oh come on, no screenshot??
I thought Nakia was a hell of a lot better than some other people who made it. She’s just not attractive enough to make it through and that makes me sad.
Jenry is the total package. I actually had to rewind to see how old he was. I was positive that he was at least legal…which made me feel a little less dirty. Alas, he is just a baby. Yikes.
I liked Antonella a lot too. She was super cute and had a really nice voice. I’m totally ready for the Hollywood rounds.
When Jenry left the room and we saw his adopted parents with what I can only assume were their two natural children I couldn’t help but feel sorry for those kids (especially the son) for having to compete against those genetics.
B-Side, I agree that this was the best of the audition shows so far this season. They did strike a better balance of good, bad, and insane this time. When they go too heavy on the terrible and delusional, it stops being funny and gets depressing. But if that’s an accurate reflection of what the judges had to sit through then I guess we the viewers should be subjected to it also.
I also was perplexed by the auditioners being at the Meadowlands one minute and 8 miles east at Chelsea Piers the next. Did they do the initial screenings at the arena and then bus them into the City for the judges? Anyone out there who auditioned who can enlighten us?
Hilarious acronyms for Carol, and I agree CaBaSa/CBS actually brought something to the table as a judge. The problem with stars who still have something to sell the public is that they’re terrified of coming off as mean or conceited so they just sit there and try to be inoffensive, even to the most awful auditioners.
Yay for the eye candy. The Jersey girls were pretty smokin. I’m as straight as they come, but damn that Jenry was a good looking kid. If he doesn’t crack under pressure we’ll be seeing him for a while.
I hope that guy who choked last year in Hollywood does a better job this time and doesn’t have to live with blowing the chance of a lifetime TWICE! He did have a good voice.
No screen cap of Christopher? He’s a little hottie too. Granted Jenry could be a model should he grow a few inches and pounds in the coming years.
I think Isadora was there specifically to make fun of American Idol. Granted, she sucked ass, but she does have a point in the talent they’re picking out for the show. Although, once America takes hold of the voting, it never seems to work out for the producers. They get Taylor Hicks and not the next generic blonde pop star they’re aiming for.
That Antonella chick had beautiful legs. They made me a little uncomfortable. DAMN GENETICS!
Great recap, b-side, and really quick to boot!
When Ian came on the screen my sister and I were both like…wow, this is obviously an act because he did this EXACT thing on So You Think You Can Dance. I don’t understand what’s wrong with the producers and they let that guy go on to the judges, while some good singers (like the light-skinned, Afro-having boy from last week) get rejected one year after another.
I didn’t think Jersey girl #1 was that good, in fact she was no better than Nakia was, and they didn’t ask her to sing a second song so they could dq her. What a fucking double standard.
That Jenry kid…I do NOT remember kids looking like that when I was in high school…I turned to my sister and I was like “oh my God, he’s your age…” SO HOT!
I was really thought you would spend more time on the crazy “I can be the first American Idol who doesn’t sing” girl! She was a fucking nut job! Can’t wait until your Duel Reunion recap!
B-side, I think Ian Bernardo would be appalled that you confused “stiletto” and “falsetto.”
I actually liked Sundance, even with the hair issues. He and the Doolittle girl from last night are my faves so far. Along with, of course, Jenry, who is much, much, much too young to be occupying any more of my thoughts than he already has. All I’ll say on that subject is HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!! 16? REALLY?!? OK, done with that subject.
Yeah, so better contesants, and kinder, gentler judges. Could it be that the outcry from the now-infamous “bush baby” scandal has led to some hasty re-editing? There were contestants the past 2 nights that were far more worthy of the judges scathing remarks than, say, the vocal coach of last week. But all they got was a “that was dreadful”, or a much-less-blistering “sorry, sweetheart, for me, it’s a no”. Perhaps Simon’s hangover had rendered that part of his brain immobile for the day. Whatever the case, it was a good 2 nights of viewing for me.
And I did like addition of La CaBaSa/Alexis Carrington, although she got a mite too comfy in that seat the second day. She pretty much took over, even after Simon wandered in, rendering Paula even more useless than normal. Loved it.
Oh, and did I mention that I was quite impressed with that little Jenry…
I’m not from Mass. but I have to say that girl Antonella was wicked hot.
Anyway, Ashanti then launched into a monologue worthy of Mary Catherine Gallagher, ultimately climaxing in the dramatic insistence that “If America saw me, they would love me. THEY WOULD LOVE ME.” Anyone else have “AND YOU! AND YOU! YOU’RE GONNA LOVE ME!!!!” racing through their heads?
YESSSSSSSSSSSS! In fact, my roommate and I both started singing it when she finally headed for the door.
Jenry…yum yum. Call me when you’re 18.
The Jersey girls: a pleasant surprise! I really was expecting them to suck.
I liked the Queens chick, although I too wondered about the Rocky music (I was saying, “that’s PHILLY” to my roommate).
I love it when people who can’t sing compare themselves to Nicks, Benatar and/or Joplin. Guess what? They didn’t have the typical pop voices, but they still could hit notes (and wail like nobody’s business, but that’s beside the point). If you can’t carry a tune, YOU CAN’T SING. It’s that simple.
And oh my, what was up with that Sarah chick? I almost wondered if it was some bizarre assignment for an acting class, but then my roommate (an actor) pointed out: “Why would ANY casting director want to work with someone like that?”
As usual, B-side, to quote a former professor of mine: “I bow down to your Buddha-like nature.”
Jory = self entitled elitist bitch. She knew it was in the bag. I can’t wait till she’s kicked off and she can go back to tea time with the queen, who can perhaps give her hair / fashion advice.
Eastern Eropean craft fair almost made me explode into a fit of maniacal laughter at work. And even though I work in a community theatre, I still would have looked crazy–it was almost impossible to stifle.
Definitely one of the best audition shows so far and excellent recap, B-Side. I loved the Carol Bayer Sager nicknames.
I’m glad I’m not attracted to guys like Jenry. Seriously, jailbait! I don’t think he sang that well though.
I was surprised by the Jersey girls and the Queens girl. It gets boring when you just know the outcome, so I’m glad they did it (along with the scruffy looking fellow on the previous audition).
People like Sarah Goldberg seriously worry me. Girl seems manic-depressive.
The Ashanti Johnson bit was hilarious.
I loved your take on Sarah Burgess.
Fania Tsakalakos in MY BIG, FLAT GREEK AUDITION!
I was actually impressed by the opera girl but I have no idea why her singing a different genre would result in her scholarship being ripped away from her. She’s just a bit dramatic I am assuming. I just hope she doesn’t turn into last season’s final 24 opera singer hopeful. I enjoyed her at first, too; but the horrible song choice (and the not so pleasant rendition) did her in.
I read in one of the last Entertainment Weekly’s that Paula is rather taken by a Justin Timberlake clone so I can only assume that kid (whom I cannot even really remember) makes it into the finals. In the same article, Randy said he thinks the winner will have “curly hair” so I was disappointed when Nakia wasn’t given a golden ticket. I haven’t seen many curly-headed singers I remember too fondly.
I did find it rather rude that Simon didn’t think he had to show up until after noon. I always hate when this happens every season. One of the judges doesn’t think they can make it in even though they are paid millions and millions of dollars to do such. Imagine the mindset one has to have calling in sick to work when you make millions.
The Jersey girls were a pleasant surprise. The second one was much better and I would like to see her make it far. Seriously, though, who “sometimes plays with a beach ball”?!?
Yes, Jenry appeared to be nice eye candy but the boy could sing. Good for him and he appears to be very humble. Let’s hope he remains that way.
Someone posted that New York was edited better than the other auditioning cities and we didn’t have the freak show parade like we had been subjected to on previous episodes. I say true; but let’s not forget a measly 14 people or so made it through in either Seattle or Minneapolis so there were some slim pickings in those cities. It does become irritating to watch; but I now believe that we couldn’t have seen much else in some of those cities. Just be glad to know AI will probably NEVER audition in Minneapolis again.
And finally: why on earth would someone go to New York City to audition for AI who lives in Santa Monica!? EVERY city so far has been closer and there was even an audition in the LA area for her to attend. I’d say she has some rich parents because I doubt she spent her Jamba Juice paychecks on a plane ticket to NYC. And who cares if she met the Queen . . . it isn’t as if the Queen lives in a bubble. I went to the Cartier Polo match in Windsor a few years ago and saw the Queen in her grandstand and then I toured Windsor Castle the following day and tripped coming out of the elevator and my crutch scratced the Queen’s wall! Oops.
Yes Foxbase Alpha, I had forgotten about that Greek Idol. The hair, the dress, the voice, the face . . . all I can say is “eeck.”
I loved this recap! You captured the lunacy perfectly B-Side. I don’t know who this other person is who’s supposed to trade with you but I hope there are more logistical mishaps next week so you have to recap some more.
Sarah’s theatrics bored me at first but when she got on the phone with her father, who sounded like he couldn’t care less where she was, I saw it for the act that it probably was. She’s on my list of Idols To Hate if she makes it as far as the final rounds. And her father’s “who is this” was the funniest line of the night.
I thought Ashanti should have been dinged simply because she’d gone to Hollywood, not once but twice before. What will it take before she gets the hint? AI is obviously not her route to stardom. She needs to go and do whatever it is that non AI wannabe singers do to make it in the biz.
Paula isn’t the only one who likes Jenry. His being 16 years old reminds me of that Benny Mardonis song “If I Could Fly.” If it comes out that he likes older women, he’ll have make a first time 1-888 voter of me when it gets to that point.
As embarrassing as it is to admit, Nakia practically had me in tears too. She seemed so happy and positive and NOT a fame whore. Someone who genuinely wanted to make it to Hollywood in order not to disappoint her Mama, Grandmama, preacher, Miss Nancy from across the street, Mrs. Reynolds from 11th grade English, and most importantly, the boy who sits two rows ahead in church who looks at her sometimes. If the judges put through that crazy screaming guy last year, they could have given Nakia a chance. She could have been the feel-good-root-for-her-anyway story like that cowboy from Wyoming who sang to turkeys.
Greeneyes — that was hilarious about Nakia, and great point. If Jared the cowboy could get through, poor Nakia deserved a shot too.
Man, this really was a great episode. Nearly every audition was memorable. Thanks guys for all the compliments, it really means a lot. I really loved last night’s show so much that I was super motivated to recap it as best as I could; so I really appreciate all the positive feedback.
Also, it looks like I won’t be trading off on the Idol recaps as earlier mentioned. It’s all me for now…
Thanks Bside, and yay for us.
I echo the sentiment from the above poster RE Nakia: clearly they wanted an excuse to nix her, asked for a second song, and then overly critiqued her in order to give her a no. Too bad.
My favorite so far is Sean “He who hath not sinned” Michel. And while I’m curious as to what is hiding underneath all that hair, I’m on the fence as to whether or not I hope they give him an extreme makeover. But I guess they probably will, for the same reasons Nakia didn’t get through.
Nakia had to be Biz Markie’s daughter. See for yourself:
http://files.bbarak.cz/news/biz_markie/biz_front.jpg
B-Side, I loved your references to the guest judge… CaBaSa, CBS, Carol BS… hilarious!
My favorites from this round were Sarah Burgess and Antonella. I’m also curious to see how opera girl does – I thought she actually had a cool sound.
Am I the only one that thought Nakia looked like a grandmother at her age?
But, as always, I loved the recap…also thanks for being so quick…
It was nice for me to laugh this morning!
You know, I have to agree with the judges on Nakia. Her first song was energetic and fun, but the second one was pretty bad. I did feel badly for her though. I just watched her exit again, and the amount of defeat in her voice was nothing short of heartbreaking. I hope she gets some interviews from the talk show circuit, just so she can feel appreciated in some way. Poor girl.
Hilarious Greeneyes — but I think that guys actually sits three rows ahead of her in church. I am in total agreement with you, she deserved a second shot at least. Not everyone gets asked to sing a second song — they simply did this to find a reason not to send her through. Honestly, what would it matter if they sent her through? If she wasn’t good enough, she could get the boot in the first or second round out there — she is entertaining and lively enough to have earned some respect. She was an entertainer although NOT the best singer — and she’d never say that she was either. Nakia will probably get some positive recognition from people on the streets now because of this show; but I believe she could have made it to the next round at least.
Are you referring to that manic guy from last season who was jumping all over the place while he tried to sing? He didn’t last long in LA last year; but he at least made it because they were surprised with the mediocre, better-than-average voice that came out of the nut last year. Nakia wasn’t a nut and was actually endearing and likable. It is unfortunate that they didn’t pass this semi-talented singer. They could have at least told her to take some voice lessons and to return next year after she worked out her pitch problems. Instead they basically let her walk out of the door because she didn’t look like an American Idol wannabe who plays with beach balls on the Jersey shore.
After the Rocky chick (Porci-a-something) walked out of the audition room and started hugging her boyfriend, Seacrest was behind her completely fixated on her ass. It was a very hetero moment for our frosted-haired friend.
Simon with phones on each side of his head as he comes in late to the auditions…last week it was the Blackberry and this week it is cells. Ok Simon – we get it. You are a busy important douchenozzle.
During the singing montage there was a couple of shots of some Ru Paul dude dressed like Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz…I wonder why we didn’t see his audtion.
Also there was dude who looked like Hiro.
The Opera Singer/Blossom chick is going be freaky when she gets to LaLaLand.
hb
Nakia did not deserve a golden ticket. We like our entertainers to be nice to look at as well as to listen to. If you have just an ok voice, you better be pretty hot, and if you are not great looking (or very heavy), you better have a voice that blows people away and makes it impossible for the judges to say “no.” I’m thinking of Mandisa, Kimberly Locke, Ruben Studdard or Clay Aiken as examples. Nakia was not in their league. Yes she was sweet and it was very sad that her entire sense of self-worth was tied to an audition on a talent show, but that doesn’t mean she deserved a pass to the next round.
“Nakia had to be Biz Markie’s daughter. See for yourself:
http://files.bbarak.cz/news/biz_markie/biz_front.jpg”
Oh, wow, Foxbase, that is nothing but fantastic.
Great recap, B-Side. What was up with everyone begging for their shot? Come on, just LEAVE! Yeesh.
I loved the last guy in the “All Night Long” montage, when he forgot the words and broke into “Dancing on the Ceiling.”
“What, is that not the same song?” Classic.
I also thought Porcelana was really going to suck it up, but I actually enjoyed the heck out of her. But now I wish I had HD even more.
A separate note about the Memphis episode, but did anyone notice during one of the auditions (I forget who) when Paula clapped, and then looked like she broke her finger? What the hell happened there? Just curious, I didn’t see it mentioned in the recap.
I bet Birmingham will bring some fantastic people out of the woodwork.
Does anyone know what the song is called that antonella sang????
And on another note, Jenry is my new crush,(its cool im 17)but he does not look 16! is he sure that his parents are telling him the truth about his age? Im jus wondering cuz dude looks too grown and fine for 16
I surprised no one mentioned it yet but how about those random shots of the judges where in some of them there was a blond instead of CaBaSa sitting there? Tabloid Baby i.d.’d the mystery woman as Olivia Newton-John. Some pretty sloppy editing.
B-Side(#21), so glad you’re recapping AI!
TWilliams(#27), my bad, that guy DOES sit 3 rows up. So close and yet so far away for poor Nakia. And I think we are talking the same crazy, screaming, leaping guy who went to Hollywood except I don’t remember him having even a mediocre voice. I thought he was put through because he scared the judges into doing so. He even appeared on the AI finale. It just doesn’t seem fair he got to go to Hollywood, not once but twice, and Nakia doesn’t get to go at all.
While I agree with B-Side(#26) and JasonR(#30) about Nakia’s lack of singing talent, I figured that was beside the point. AI has enough untold millions that an iffy singer here or there can go to Hollywood. An extra hotel bed or two isn’t going to break the bank. If Nakia’s going to Hollywood, taking in the sites, practicing in the group rounds, realizing that the AI work was not the sweetness and light and Ryan Seacrest niceness that it looks like on TV, gets cut with Simon saying, “Numbers 32…18…47…60 are through… with this competition; You may leave the stage and go home,” what’s the harm? Nakia will have the experience of being able to go back home and tell Mama, Grandma, et.al that she went to Hollywood and had fun. Can you tell her tears really got to me?
I thought that guy who sang “fly me to the moon” was really good. His voice hitting the lower notes was very original. What a talent…I think that Jenry kid was good too, but his singing is a little too overrated (back off girls, I said he’s good, but seriously, he’s not incredibly talented)…I HATE Antonella(?)’s friend! She is so annoying, and not that good of a singer. Sure she’s a good looking blonde girl, but just because she’s attractive, she gets to go to hollywood? totally unfair to the other more talented people who audition!!!That Antonella sure is hot though, PLUS she’s talented!
I feel bad for Nakia. She wasn’t the usual deluded loser, and I think the second song was gratuitous and misleading to her about her lack of a real chance. At least they didn’t stick her in the loser medley to pile on some good old AI “you’re a weirdo” humiliation.
Porcelana: Mmmm, lowriders. I do have HD and an HD DVR but I erased the show. No cootervision! D-ooh! But this way, I don’t accidently revisit Julia [crazy person: Isadora] and her own horrifying brand of self-whatever that was. Maybe no replay is a blessing.
The Hilton sisters should be cage dancers – the voices were nothing compelling. Ashanti had a better everything than they did. Well almost. There was something in that hairdo and that hat and the hair color that just made me see Emerald City, and I kept wanting to hear something like:
What makes the Hottentot so hot? What puts the “ape” in apricot? What have they got that I ain’t got?
A golden ticket.
You can say that again! Huh?
when she was groveling.
Did anyone else catch Simon’s final words to Ashanti?
Ashanti: If America saw me, they would love me!
Simon, pointing to the other judges: These 3 are Americans, and they don’t!
Oh my GOD. That whole Ashanti bit was the GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. I gotta get the episode and cut the clip out of it to keep forever. Pure genius.
Also, as for Isadora… Nevermind the whole sounded-like-she-was-having-sex thing, watching her, I felt as though she was high or buzzed on SOMETHING, not just plain crazy. She couldn’t sing, of course, but she did NOT seem all there.
I have to say, Rachel Zevita has been the only one yet – as in ever – that I would go out and buy her album right now. She had this amazing Fiona Apple thing going. Very unique voice. Word.
Re: Nakia – I thought it was evident during her second song that she couldn’t stay in tune. She doesn’t have the ear for it or something…she didn’t even understand what the judges meant by her pitch being off.
Someone above commented that it was a double standard that they made her sing a second song. I disagree – ALL the auditions are longer than they show and I believe almost everyone sings more than one song. They edit them down.
Jenry makes me want to be a teacher
re: Porcelana we may not have seen the pubes but you did give us a butt cleavage shot.(The group hug).
So far none of the singers have made me want to hear more from them. I guess the overabundance of holy ickyness has dampened my spirit. Maybe Hollywood will change my mind.
B-Side yay! You’re gonna do the AI recaps. Does this mean you sent in a new sample? Perhaps your unintentional celebacy worked in your favor.
I just read all the comments, and I must add, that I thought Nakia was actually pretty good. She sang the first song really well, and I think she was too nervous when they said sing another song (Plus CBS’s cold look didn’t help), and that’s why she choked. I definately agree that she should have been sent to hollywood. Of course, everyone knows she would be sent home after the first hollywood episode, but at least it wouldve given her some sort of will to live. I still can’t believe that the one cowboy from last season was given the ticket to hollywood. That was a complete waste of time. Remember his singing partners? The one tall white guy with the cowboy hat, and the black guy who sounded like brian mcknight (They were both good singers!)?They were such good guys that they kept consoling him and hugged him, in spite of the fact that he ruinned both of their chances of going to the next stage. He messed up the song and had no idea what he was doing, so the 2 other guys suffered because of him…In fact, I think Nakia wouldve done the same thing, and that’s why the judges had to say no. She was good, but I guess she was not in the league of people who were given the tickets…BTW, I can’t imagine anyone else recapping the show as well as B-side. This was one of the funniest recaps ever to go along with a really good episode of AI, and we can all thank you know who.
Re: #41
B-side is celibate??
LOL…..no he is not celebate….girls just won’t sleep with him :p
LMAO….. that is just TOO FUNNY!!!
GREAT!! recap.
I love this show.
But why are there no LEGAL good singing male hotties this year?
B-Side – glad to see you are staying with us for AI – your re-caps are amazing!
Last nights show was definately edited better but it pissed me off all the same. Jenry is HOT, like way-too-cute-for-16-HOT (my son is that age) but his voice was ehh – he just looked great and could hold most of a tune and had some nice tone but he missed a lot of notes. But he made it (thanks for the eye candy)…the blond NJ-beach ball chick made it…yet Ashanti doesnt make it. Her voice was LEAGUES better than most we heard and she is denied. Her impassioned speech to the judges was over the top and the re-cap and screencaps from B-side were hilarious. However, it shouldnt matter how many times you have been to Hollywood – if you are trying to improve each time then she should have been given a shot. Considering the crap they have sent to HW this year so far (that they have let us see), I dont think she would have been one too many.
And then there is Nakia. SO many posters before me have commented on her and while I agree her voice was not spectacular, it was as passable as others they put through and her denial was totally due to her unfortunate appearance. The comments they showed after she left the judging was perhaps one of the most depressing things I have ever seen. She was so upbeat and wacky and cute before she sang and so despondant and I feared suicidal after. She obviously thought she had nothing left to live for. I felt so bad for her and still do. I know she wasnt our next AI but I still felt terrible watching her happiness bubble up around her and then fade away. It was profoundly sad.
Lastly, that crazy Sarah girl was a nut case – I especially loved her hystronics in the lobby – what a hoot – theres your 15 minutes honey…
I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought Carol looked just like Joan Collins from “Dynasty”. I mean, she could have been her twin, seriously. I also noticed how the seating order changed dramatically when she got there. Paula got bumped from her regular seat to the end of the table. I immediately thought that was kind of weird. The guest judges pretty much always sits between Paula & Randy or Paula & Simon. Then, the second day, she moved into Simon’s chair (he did come in late, but when he did come in he sat at the end of the table). Ok, maybe I’m putting too much thought into this, but maybe Carol is similar to Alexis Carrington in more ways than looks.;]
The performance of the last girl’s was a little uncomfortable. It did sound like she was climaxing in the middle of her performance. If she was pretty, I wouldn’t have minded, but her? They really could have cut that out.
@ luvly_grrl: Antonella sang “Free”, which was Deniece Williams’ first hit, back in 1977.
B-side, Why don’t u interview Nakia?
Thanx so much John;)!!!