Recap: American Idol: The First Cuts Are The Boring-Ist!

American Idol

By B-Side | Friday, February 23, 2007 | 1:04 pm | 35 Comments

paula2022307

Oh — it hurts so much. Watching our dear American Idol contestants fall by the wayside. Actually, no. It’s not painful at all, especially when all the singers dropped in last night’s elimination episode pretty much assaulted our beings over the course of the week — whether through painful vocals, boring stage presence, or strange, guttural, faux-Chaka sounds. The people who went home certainly deserved to go, but did they deserve to go more than others? That is the real question…The results show opened up on an optimistic note: Paula seemed slurry and loopy — like she’d just had a special shot of Happy Juice to get her in her special Abdul place. When Ryan asked her what she thought of the guys, she stared back for a few moments and then somehow managed to slur out that they had nowhere to go but up. (Actually, they could go down too).

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It became very apparent that she might topple over at any time and begin doing snow angels on the floor; so Ryan switched gears to our first group song of the season: an antiseptic and bland version of “Sowing the Seeds of Love.” You know, I love Tears for Fears, and it was slightly unnerving watching one of their hits get totally Idol-fied by this dubiously talented group of singers. Most importantly, however, was that there didn’t seem to be any guy with any potential. Brandon was okay, I guess, but Phil Stacey — man, his opening solo was brutal. The good news for Paul was that in his two lines, he actually sounded pretty strong, not that it really mattered at this point.

Anyway, as this cheesefest reached its climax, I couldn’t help but wonder who was hitting the dreadful high notes in the background. They were so off-key that I could only imagine they were the sonic demon children of Haley Scarnato.

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Hitler’s Youth takes the stage!

We then went to a commercial break, and when we returned, it was time for the inevitable: an apology from Chris Sligh. Yes, the curly-haired lisper wanted America to know that he LOVES Simon, despite what his confrontational comments about Il Divo and Teletubbies implied. Simon merely smiled triumphantly, saying that he liked Chris too. Eventually, this metaphorical frottage ceased, and it was time to make our first cuts. Ryan pulled the back row of guys down to the stage and one by one excused them. First off the hook was Brandon, then Sundance (boo!), then Chris Richardson, then Nick Pedro. This left only Blake and Paul. Yeah, um, not looking good for you, Paul.

Sure enough, our Barefoot Sensation was cut from the show, which was too bad because he did sound much better tonight… at least until he resurrected his “Careless Whisper” for an encore. Man, he was terrible. But was he terrible because at that point, he was so deflated and depressed that he didn’t bother to hit the right keys? Eh, probably not. I read somewhere that Paul made a strategical mistake by talking about his dumb shoes instead of relaying a personal story, and therefore, viewers were less invested in him. Either way, I kind of liked Paul. He deserved to go, but I would have rather seen the death knell ring for Sundance and his human airplane of warbling.

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Next, it was time for the girls to get cut. Ryan also had the back row take the stage, and let me tell you about this back row. It was pretty much all the heavy hitters… and Antonella. Hmmm… wonder where this was going. To be fair, Leslie Hunt was still in the mix, but I didn’t really feel like it was her time to go just yet. Anyway, Ryan went down the line, saving Jordin, Stephanie, Sabrina, and Leslie. This left only Melinda and Antonella. Hmmmm… (insert image of me weighing the options with my hands). No shock here: Melinda was saved, leaving a shaking, barely composed Antonella to stand there alone and face elimination. Honestly, the girl looked like she wanted to throw up on Ryan Seacrest, which I totally would have endorsed had he been wearing his JT vest again (but he wasn’t).

Anyway, it looked like it was curtains for Antonella, but suddenly, she received a list minute reprieve. Ryan told her to sit down — she was safe! Yay good looks! Instead, Ryan called Amy Krebs up from the first row and quickly announced that she was going home. The poor girl looked like a deer in the headlights. She had no idea what was going on. She probably thought she was at the salad bar at the Hometown Buffet.

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Funny. It seems like there’s only one person who’s not cheering for Antonella…

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“So… I didn’t win the competition?”

Ryan then asked Simon what Amy could do to further her singing career, and Simon simply responded, “You have to stand out.” Now wait a second. Amy totally stood out. She was the girl…. with the hair… who sang that song… what was her name again?

Anyway, Amy looked immensely depressed after this surprise cut, and in her glum state, she too had to sing a lame encore, which once again reminded us why she wasn’t fit to continue in the competition. Maybe she’d be better suited for Wet Rag Idol.

After the break, Ryan then issued the first ever American Idol Challenge! We could win $10,000 and a trip to next week’s live show if we could just answer the following question: whose album is titled Breakaway? Carrie Underwood, Kelly Clarkson, or Fantasia Barrino? Wow. I can’t wait until next week when they ask us to unscramble: MERAICAN DOLI.

Well, for those people out there who actually care about Fantasia Barrino, the producers had quite a treat: Fantasia Barrino! Yes, the former Idol marched out on stage in front of the audience (which included Quincy Jones picking things out of his mouth). Anyway, Fantasia and Ryan had some banter, and then our plucky host asked, “What else is coming up for you?” Reading lessons? No, better. She was gonna be in The Color Purple this spring. Delightful. Fantasia then sang a song from the aforementioned musical, and afterwards, Paula cried, which made Fantasia cy, and then other people cried, and I hit the fast forward button.

After the break, it was time to drop another girl. My money was on Haley or Alaina going home, but since Alaina is decently attractive enough, this all boded very badly for Ms. Scarnato. What I forgot, however, is the Middle America loves wannabe Celine torchsingers. Haley was saved, as were LaKisha and Gina. Now it was down to Nicole Tranquillo and Alaina. Both girls were nervous, and I was really hoping that Alaina might get the boot, but as always, looks beat out — well, I want to say talent, but I think I’ll just say “lesser looks.” Kristen Wiig, I mean, Nicole hugged her buddy and then waved off the audience, saying, “It’s okay! I’m alright!” Great, but WE WEREN’T ASKING.

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“Whatevs!”

Anyway, Nicole took the mic one last time and sang with that strange, nasally voice that made her sound like she was enduring an exorcism on stage. I was fine to see her go, but something inside of me wanted to keep her around a little longer — just so I could revel in the freakshow that was her voice.

Around this time, one of the more awkward moments of the night occurred as LaKisha Jones tried to lead the other girls on stage to dance around their fallen comrade. However, the producers must have been waving the arms as if they were signaling a jet plane because LaKisha stopped in her tracks and then awkwardly stood there just feet away from Nicole before quietly retreating back to her bench. Please, LaKisha. Let’s let Nicole have her moment. Her strange, multi-voiced moment.

Lastly, it was time for one more guy to go home. Ryan lined up the remaining men (or boys, depending on who you’re referring to). Chris Sligh was spared the wrath of the Simon fans. He was safe. Phil Stacey, or “Bro,” as Ryan called him, was also safe, and so was Jared, who received a nifty, “Bro, you are safe.” Apparently, “Bro” is Ryan’s latest way to prove to America that he is no man’s sweetheart.

Anyway, AJ, or should I say AJ (the second time was me looking down three feet — he’s short), was also safe, which meant that just Sanjaya and Rudy were left. Ryan told us that one of them was in the top four, which I thought was totally ridiculous. Both of them should have gone home, in my book. I will credit Sanjaya as having actually been a good singer, despite how bland and tepid his performance was (which was shocking since his patented casual-snap is so enthralling to watch). Nevertheless, I needn’t make excuses for him. The teenybopper girls had already claimed him as their non-threatening male of the season, and thus saved him from elimination, which meant Scott Baio, I mean, Frank from The Apprentice, I mean, Rudy was going home. Lesson learned: never sing a song that’s been killed to death by Toyota ads (and also don’t pop your collar if you look like a dancing pea pod).

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“C’mon, brah! I sang ‘Free Ride!’”

Well, Ryan asked Simon if he had any advice, but all he responded with was, “I can’t turn an okay singer into a great singer. It’s as simple as that.” Oooookay. (But he was totally right).

Paula, however, thought that Rudy had one of the best vocals in the competition, and people didn’t get to hear it. Yeah, well, again, I blame “Free Ride.”

We then saw our first goodbye montage, this time set to a Chris Daughtry song (smell ya later, Daniel Powter). When it was done, Rudy took the stage one last time and promised us, “I’m gonna go out with a bang, if that’s alright.” How about you go out with a SHUT THE HELL UP!

Needless to say, Rudy’s farewell performance was far from a bang, despite all his cartoonish efforts. Good riddance. I’m just glad that he didn’t stick around long enough for audience members to give him the “RUUU-DY! RUUU-DY!” cheer. Hopefully next week the guys will inspire some glimmer of hope in us.

What do you think? Happy with the choices? Who would you have sent home instead?

About

35 Comments

  1. 1
    Die_MediaWhores
    Posted February 23, 2007 at 1:33 pm

    I gotta be honest, I was never a Fantasia fan, but DAMN. That girl sang the eff out of that song. Maybe it was just a great song, but holy moly, she was feelin it. I got the chills. And believe me when I tell you that in general, AI contestants (winners included) do NOT give me the chills.

    Geesh — it was painful admitting admiration for one of these tools. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

  2. 2
    jelliepair
    Posted February 23, 2007 at 1:35 pm

    B-side
    Great recaps – all of them – you made magic out of the crap that was handed to us this week!

    As for the results, I was surprised they could pick only 2 guys that sucked this week but Paul was a definate one to go in my book. He sounded great in the 30 second clip at audition but could not handle a whole song and the no shoe thing was just icky. The other guy sealed his fate when he wore a butt-ugly t-shirt with a target/bullseye on it. I really dont know who should have gone first but neither of those two will be missed as far as I am concerned.

    As for the girls, Amy and Nicole were both good first outs. I do think Antoinette (is that her name) might be better than we give her credit for – she just has never sang to a live audience before so maybe things will look up with her next week.

    I think most of them should keep their bags packed (ala Survivor – can you just see them with their backpacks and lucky hats waiting in the dog pound for their names to be called).

    I am guessing they shouldnt get too comfortable. Its pretty clear after only one week that we have an abundance of female talent and just a couple guys to contend with.

    I still think it is amazing that after seeing thousands upon thousands of people at all those auditions, this is the best they could come up with! My son – a senior in high school – sings and is easily as good as some of those guys. There is a girl in his choir who blows almost all those girls out of the water and we are just little mid-western america. Maybe Paula, Randy and Simon are not to blame but I am thinking the initial screeners need to do a better job as to who gets through to sing for the powers that be. Perhaps if they spent more time looking for talent instead of picking the freaks, geeks and wanna-bes out of the crowd, we would have a stronger field of talent at this stage. This cannot be the best of the best of america…can it?

  3. 3
    Smoke_Rulz
    Posted February 23, 2007 at 1:37 pm

    I didn’t think the group performance was THAT bad, but again, it’s just another song I am totally not familiar with. And I agree with DMW that Fantasia was actually very good.

    As for the eliminations, I would have rather have seen Jared go then Paul Kim, and my eliminations on the girls were Alaina and Leslie, so I was way off. I definitely want Alaina gone, so I guess I have to wait another week.

    Great recap as always B-Side. That awkward LaKisha moment was hilarious. XD

  4. 4
    luxe
    Posted February 23, 2007 at 1:47 pm

    i really wish nick had gone instead of paul. i actually liked paul’s voice. thank god rudy is gone though.

    i’m glad nicole left, and even though i liked amy’s voice, i don’t think she had a chance in hell in the competition.

    alaina and antonella need to go.

  5. 5
    roleepolee
    Posted February 23, 2007 at 1:48 pm

    I agree, Paul shouldve stayed and Jared shouldve been cut. At least Paul has some potential, and a better voice….Aahh, who cares, it’s all about dolittle and Sligh, anyway.

    I felt kinda bad for Amy Krebs(?). She seems like a cool girl, in spite of her lack of personality. The song for her last performance was so fitting, I thought, and she didn’t do half bad.

    Fantasia was awesome! I think she’s one of the best singers out there. Her performance on idol last year wasnt that great, so it was very nice to see her redeem herself last night.

    I’m not even going to get into what Lakisha did, even though it was pretty awkward. It was an honest mistake. Ryan did that too during last years performance by Fantasia when she won and sang “I believe”.

  6. 6
    Keekster
    Posted February 23, 2007 at 1:53 pm

    Great Recap, but you left out one of my favorite awkward moments thanks to the ever talented Ryan Seacrest. When talking to Quincy Jones about the Color Purple, he totally cut Quincy off when he started to talk about the musical. Show some respect little man!

  7. 7
    MTV4ME
    Posted February 23, 2007 at 2:11 pm

    “Fantasia then sang a song from the aforementioned musical, and afterwards, Paula cried, which made Fantasia cried, and then other people cried, and I hit the fast forward button.”

    B-SIDE HAVE YOU NO SOUL?!?!!

    FYI – votefortheworst.com is backing Sundance and Antonella. According to them the site received nearly 3 million hits this week. SO, perhaps it really is their doing??

  8. 8
    swimbikerun
    Posted February 23, 2007 at 2:17 pm

    READING LESSONS? I wish I had been wearing an astronaut adult diaper when I read that.

  9. 9
    Foxbase Alpha
    Posted February 23, 2007 at 2:18 pm

    The group singing thing on the results show is lame with a capital L. Guess it is some sort of warm-up for the dorky Ford commercials they do later on in the season…

  10. 10
    murphena
    Posted February 23, 2007 at 2:20 pm

    I hate the group songs especially with so many bad singers. Reminds me of an “Up with People” presentation I had to suffer through in grade school.

    And why do we have to be tortured by having these really bad singers sing the songs that got them voted off AGAIN. They’re always way worse than the original. It’s okay later on when the field hopefully gets narrowed to better singers, but for now, it’s painful to watch.

    I actually can’t wait to see how bad Antonella does next week. And I have a feeling that if she wasn’t white, all those photos of her on the internet would have gotten her kicked off by now.

  11. 11
    raggedy_andy
    Posted February 23, 2007 at 2:22 pm

    I would’ve liked it if Paul did better, too, but he didn’t pick a good song and the whole feet/underwear thing was just weird. Oh well. I wonder if they can somehow redeem themselves next week.

    MERAICAN DOLI
    CAN I REAM LODI?

  12. 12
    B-Side
    Posted February 23, 2007 at 2:36 pm

    I was thinking more like NICE OIL DRAMA!

    Or NO ICE, ADMIRAL.

    Or DIE, ANAL MICRO!

  13. 13
    hockeyman77
    Posted February 23, 2007 at 2:37 pm

    maybe this will be the downfall of that god-awful singer Antonella. She sucks at singing but thats not all……

    http://www.idontlikeyouinthatway.com/2007/02/antonella-blowjob-barba.html

  14. 14
    IJustWatch
    Posted February 23, 2007 at 2:59 pm

    I still have faith in Antonella. I don’t mind her as much as Alaina.. who is very breathy and quite aware of her beauty. My guy friend affirmed how superficial we are when he said last night, “I hope the hot one doesn’t get cut. Then I won’t have anyone to look at.” Yeah.. okay.

    I think Sabrina Sloan looks like Mya, if she straightened her hair. Which I see in the near future. Plus the girl can saaaannngg..!

  15. 15
    HoneyBunny
    Posted February 23, 2007 at 3:01 pm

    Paul: “It hurts….it hurts.” You suck. You suck.

    Amy: Don’t even remember you.

    Nicole: Look at it this way, you should have been cut before now so you really got further than you should have. (yea- sympathy is not my strong suit.)

    Rudy: You should have tried out for the Grease one.

    Fantasia – not a fan then and not a fan now. I think Lakisha has a better voice and a cuter daughter.

    I actually miss Daniel Powter’s “Bad Day,” but I guess Daughtry’s “Home” is ok.

    hb

  16. 16
    KatiesHole
    Posted February 23, 2007 at 3:34 pm

    I can’t believe that hideously ugly Fantasia is going to terrorize the broadway stage. Wasn’t there a classically trained musical actress looking for a job – that can actually read, act and sing? Blasphemy!

    And, whats worse, she was ugly-ing up my TV screen, I think it cracked, she so damn pig ugly.

    KH

  17. 17
    roleepolee
    Posted February 23, 2007 at 4:07 pm

    @ #16: You’re the definition of an ass

  18. 18
    georgiababe
    Posted February 23, 2007 at 4:39 pm

    Okay, here are my picks for the top twelve:

    Girls:
    Stephanie Edwards
    Sabrina Sloan
    LaKisha Jones
    Gina Glocksen
    Melinda Doolittle
    Jordin Sparks

    Boys:
    Chris Sligh
    Phil Stacy
    Jason “Sundance” Head
    Sanjaya Malakar
    A.J. Tabaldo
    Blake Lewis

    Which therefore means that the following should go, in my opinion:
    Leslie Hunt
    Alaina Alexander
    Antonella Barba
    Haley Scarnato
    Jared Cotter
    Brandon Rogers
    Chris Richardson
    Nick Pedro

    But honestly, I don’t care. Of the girls, I do care but of the guys the only one that I really like is Chris Sligh. I don’t even remember who any of the guys are except for Chris Sligh, Sanjaya, Phil and Sundance. I just got the rest of the names from the Idol website. Shows how impressive they are.

    ~Georgia~

  19. 19
    Junzilla
    Posted February 23, 2007 at 4:44 pm

    Great recap. I hate AI yet it made me laugh.

    The Hitler’s Youth caption is hysterical. It almost beats your, “Spare Any Change Guvnah?” screencap with Erika on BBAS.

  20. 20
    busybee68
    Posted February 23, 2007 at 5:55 pm

    hockeyman77, I saw those pics of “Antonella” demonstrating her other oral talents, and I don’t think that’s her. The nose doesn’t look right to me, it’s not Antonella. It’s like when those pics of “Britney Spears” doing the same came out; in the end, it wasn’t her, just some college student who resembled her.

  21. 21
    IJustWatch
    Posted February 23, 2007 at 6:01 pm

    I agree with you busybee68. The nose on the girl in the pictures kind of hooks in differently than Antonella’s nose. Unfortunately, the resemblance is just too uncanny.

    I was reading US Weekly, and there was a small article talking about Idol’s Latest Scandals. Who were highlighted? Akron (marijuana possession), Ebony Jointer (roller girl, apparently played once in the LINGERIE FOOTBALL LEAGUE along with scantily clad models), and Ashlyn Carr (young girl who made weird faces, she poured SUGAR into her ex-boyfriend’s gas take a few months ago). Those seem minute compared to what Antonella has done…. I smell shenanigans.

  22. 22
    Rock Star
    Posted February 23, 2007 at 8:05 pm

    I think those pictures really are Antonella…ugh…

    I was really sad Paul Kim went home. I don’t know why people are giving him flak for performing barefoot…if he wants to be barefoot what the hell does that have to do with anything? Why the hell is Toiletbrush Chin still in the competition?? He should have gone home, not Paul!

    I’m kind of sad Chaka Kahn singing girl got sent home, even tho her name escapes me right now, I would really have liked to see her do something else.

    When Scott Baio was being cut, for some reason the thought that came to my mind was “he probably makes a really good boyfriend.” Alas, American Boyfriend, this is not, so he went home.

  23. 23
    becca
    Posted February 23, 2007 at 10:14 pm

    Just get rid of all the guys now.

  24. 24
    melaniemag
    Posted February 24, 2007 at 3:17 am

    Would it be a surprise of AI previously knew about the questionable Antonella pics? History shows they love a good scandal to scare up even more ratings. Actually, in the clothed photos, Antonella looks larger-breasted than the girl in the porn pics, so maybe the porn girl is someone else.

  25. 25
    Smoke_Rulz
    Posted February 24, 2007 at 3:21 am

    I’m pretty sure it’s not Antonella in over half of the pictures. Even so, I’m not sure Idol would disqualify her. They disqualify over straight-up porn like with Frenchie Davis, or if you HIDE past felonies, like with Corey Clark. Other people who had some kind of legal trouble were all up-front about it, so they were never DQed.

  26. 26
    Audge
    Posted February 24, 2007 at 8:38 am

    I don’t get why so many people talk about Alaina’s looks… I mean, she’s OK looking but sort of plain to me. I must be missing something.

    Also, I was convinced Nicholas Pedro would go b/c his performance was so bland – oh well. I won’t miss the four that left.

    And I feel so bad for Antonella – pretty embarrassing for her. On one of the sites that posted the pics, they said someone just freely emailed it to them and that they knew the guy in the pictures. Nice friends.

    http://audgepodge.blogspot.com/2007/02/my-take-american-idol-first-four.html

  27. 27
    SaveFerris
    Posted February 26, 2007 at 6:27 am

    B-Side,

    That show you were on (Idol Chatter?) was really horrible. You were fine – when they would let you get a word in edgewise. They seemed more interested in themselves than what you had to said.

  28. 28
    busybee68
    Posted February 26, 2007 at 11:46 am

    IDontLikeYouInThatWay.com has these comparison pics that were submitted by “American Idol CSI”, to prove that it is not Antonella in the BJ pics:

    http://idontlikeyouinthatway.com/pictures/20070226/antonella%20barba%20csi/aicsi.html

  29. 29
    subgenre
    Posted February 26, 2007 at 12:16 pm

    B-Side,

    I want you to know I watched the WHOLE BLEEDING HOUR of Idol Chat to see you. If it was that painful for me to watch, I can only imagine how painful it must’ve been to be on it. Ugh!

    As “busybee” (#28) said, You were FINE but that Kim Caldwell biatch needs to be strung up by her polyester blonde hair and left to air dry in the wind. Man, I just wanted to ram that big cookie right into her pie hole.

    Please, B-side (et al) ~ as TVGasm brings you continued success and fame, do not let it go to head so that you end up vacuous air bags who think farting onscreen and laffing shrilly about equals talent and/or personality. Ugh.

  30. 30
    mountain_girl
    Posted February 26, 2007 at 2:55 pm

    Yeah, never ever again will I subject myself to the pain that was Idol Chat. To have to sit through the whole freaking show just to have those twits basically cut you off mid-sentence was too much.

  31. 31
    HoneyBunny
    Posted February 26, 2007 at 3:09 pm

    Idol Chat was a Spencer.
    B-Side was a LC.

    hb

  32. 32
    KatiesHole
    Posted February 26, 2007 at 4:20 pm

    Hey Roleepolee (#17), guess you’re not a Tasia hater? You’re the definition of a moron.

    Did you see her performance on that Lifetime Movie? Every qualified, trained actress in this country should revolt and riot for that awful performance. Shame!

    Incidentally, I’d much rather see Antonella in these dirty, lurid pictures than the queen of the junkyard dogs, Fantasia. We all may turn to stone if that happens.

    KH
    Not a Tasia fan. Never was. Never will be.

  33. 33
    roleepolee
    Posted February 26, 2007 at 4:45 pm

    KatiesHole, I understand you’re not a fan of her acting. I’m not too fond her her acting abilities myself. I didn’t call you an ass cause you’re saying Fantasia’s a bad singer/actor, but rather, because of the fact that you were talking so much trash about her looks. That’s something she cannot control. If you talked trash about her singing or acting, I wouldn’t have said a word, but saying all those things about her appearence was really pathetic.

  34. 34
    Rock Star
    Posted February 27, 2007 at 11:34 am

    wow, roleepolee, i actually agree with you on something. Let the record state this is the last time that will ever happen.

  35. 35
    KatiesHole
    Posted February 27, 2007 at 6:54 pm

    Lets all join hands and sing KumBaiYaa (sp?) then.

    Since when is TVgasm a feel good, politically correct, self esteem builing website?

    Perhaps disney.com or DrPhil.com are better places for you.

    KH
    rolling eyes…..

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