Idol Gives Back 2: Give Me the Two and a Half Hours You Stole From Me and I’ll Send My Own Goddamn Mosquito Net

What are you bitching about? THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, NIGEL!

First off; TWO AND A HALF HOURS?!?!?!?!?!?!? Oh. My. God. I shoulda started this crap earlier. I have to warn you right now. This might get ugly.

Eight jillion people are watching tonight. Do you know how many five packs of Crayons that will buy if everyone just donated a dime? I don’t, but it’s enough to make all the starving people of the world salivate while they watch this show on their forty two inch plasmas. Calm down, starving people! You’ll get your money. Can’t tell you how, or when, or how much, or what percentage of what’s donated tonight, or really anything since last years numbers STILL haven’t been released, but mark my words. You will get a mosquito net at the very least.

Everyone’s greediness out of the way? Good. Let’s get going!! We open with a huge dance number to Rihanna’s “Don’t Stop the Music”. Nothing says “feed me” like a bunch of hoochie mamas with their ribs and sacks of saline showing. This is the biggest group of spandexed hos and homos I’ve seen grouped together since I caught a commercial for Celine Dion’s Vegas show a couple years back. Why do these people look so familiar? And why is that girl in pink spandex? And why are there boys in ballet tights? And why do they just keep turning and turning and turning? We get it! YOU CAN TURN IN CIRCLES ENDLESSLY. Why? Oh, because So You Think You Can Dance is coming back on soon. Noted.

Thirty seconds in and it’s already just plain wrong.

The Idols step-together step onto the stage awkwardly. Man, they look like rhythm-less nation anyway, but surrounded by real dancers they just look lost and frightened. Syesha starts it off and sounds pretty good, but I can’t hear Carly because I’m laughing so hard at Castro twitching as whitely as possible through his line. There is a lot of movement, a lot of lights flashing, and a lot of pop locking. Yes, it hurts. But we’re gathered here for a very important reason. In case you don’t remember that reason, it flashes up in a giant font across the screen in the middle of the number: EXXON MOBILE. Assholes. I filled up with gas today and it cost me forty five bucks. Explain yourselves! How bout you produce a show called Exxon Mobile Gives Back: To Flipit.

Alright, I just read those paragraphs back and will admit up front that they are all over the place and confusing. Sorry, but I feel like I just got slammed into. Here are my notes so far:

Nothing says feed me like a bunch of hoochie mamas in eighties spandex

Syesha good but soulless

muppet awkward

dancing sad against reall dancers

pop locking

tight dancers hot but fug but hot but really really fug

pink spandex wow

multicartwheels

rihanna lol starving dance club

gay spandex ballet

weird gay turns and jumps

head dance jumpy asians

i wanna take

i just can’t refuse it but i ttlly can

exxon mobil assholes

who the fuck are these people?

so you think you can dance

ahhhhh get mary’s ass out here

OK, I have taken a break and am back. And this time, I hope I get to feel something! Tink does a little Leprechaun leap at the end of the number, further solidifying himself as one of the funniest little creatures on TV.

Sorry to be gross, but this guy is hung like a hill.

After some NASCAR dude comes on the screen to tell us to donate, Tink introduces a woman who has helped make starving fun, cool, and socially acceptable. Maria Schriver!

Girl, that hair weighs more than you.

Maria is joined by at least fifty people. Some are in wheelchairs, some are handicapped, some are questionable. I can’t help but pause the TV every two seconds to see if I can name that affliction. When I run out of words, I just start shouting “polio! Meningitis! Common cold! Lazy eye!” Unfortunately, there probably won’t be an answer key in tomorrow’s paper telling me which ones I got right, so I just play for fun. Maria names some of the organizations that Idol Gives Back will be helping, and wow that’s a hell of a list. Can’t they just concentrate on a couple at a time? This seems like book keeper confusion to me. Good luck with this mess, IRS.

Maria continues on to quote Ghandi and a bunch of other spiritual leaders to emphasize to us that we should all volunteer our time and energy to organizations that need us. We don’t need singing talent, we just need to be ourselves. Thanks, Maria! I am going to sign up to read to poor kindergarteners in the depths of LA. You’re never to young for a Big Brother recap. Maria sounds like my mother, who always tells me that if I want to meet good, quality people to date that I should volunteer. Riiiiight. I never had visuals to back up my “oh hell no, woman!” until tonight, when Maria calls for a round of applause for real people who volunteer to make our world a better place:

Alright, you’ve got one minute with each of them. Don’t curse and don’t solicit sex. GO!

Ben Stiller follows with an even unfunnier act than last year. Poor guy. If you can’t get an audience of 3.000 people to laugh at your lame ass when they are gathered together in the spirit of good will, you need to sit the fuck down. A short film with really sad music comes on next. Is that Jennifer Connelly? IT IS! I hope she cries or performs degrading sexual acts for a fix…nope. Not that kind of Jennifer Connelly movie.

This one is about a bunch of young skinny people filling up plastic gasoline containers full of water from a lake. Once their containers are full, they disperse to deliver them. One girl drops hers down the stairs. Lesson: bony bitches shouldn’t be trusted to do anything important. Jennifer takes her water to this apartment with two little kids in it and fills up their glasses with the dirty stuff. They look at the glasses like “F YOU, JENNIFER CONNELLY!” I guess the point is river water is dirty. NO SHIT. Who gives that water to kids? Dumbass movie stars, that’s who. And how bad are we supposed to feel for these brats when they’re working on a bangin’ MacBook Pro?

We just bought them a three thousand dollar computer and now they want clean water? INGRATES!

Snoop Dogg comes on to do the window wipe dance and perform a song that Tink prewarns us will be flashing all over your iTunes screen later. At first I think, Snoop can sing? No. That’s just Little Richard. First his Geico commercial and now he’s singing with Snoop? Who’s this guy blowing?

Never change, Little Dick.

Little kids march onto the stage and wave and clap and I keep waiting for them to sing, or break dance, or something…nope. They just wave and clap. Otay. I would make fun of this number a bit more but I am bored and kinda scared that Snoop will punch me with his mic/knuckle/diamond/face crusher thing.

Sell that mic and save Darfur, dude.

After the song, Kobe Bryant shows up to tell us to give money up. It’s inspiring that he showed up after getting what was most likely a spiked hooker stiletto to the cheek, but he’s a trooper, that one.

Glad to see you’re still truckin’, playa.

Some douchebag wrestler named Preparation H comes on next and does his whole growelly act voice. Wow, AI. You’re really pulling out the stops this year. Paula and Randy follow him. Paula tells us that kids in America are obese and something needs to be done about it. Then we are shown video of a trip they took together to check out a po Southern town in America. There are a lot of gangs and kids don’t even come out of their homes because they don’t wanna get shot. Save the Children runs an after school program though where they can get bananas and play basketball. This is all heartbreaking, but where are the fat kids? The video ends, and I realize that obesity had nothing to do with this segment. Paula just wanted to point out that our kids are fat. Hey, Paula. Go fuck yourself, k?

Carrie Underwood is in her dressing room and her sink’s broken. Thankfully, Mike Delfino from Desperate Housewives is there to help her (it comes back Sunday don’t forget OMG they are so giving to do this tonight when they are back on TV!! AAAAHHHHH!). Wait a second. Are we supposed to believe that 25 year old Carrie Underwood is trying to get into this bag of bones’ pants? Come on now, Nigel. That’s just sick. Teri Hatcher comes in and says that since Carrie is stealing her man, she’s gonna steal her song. Oh no. Oh God please no.

Teri, you’ve never looked better!

Ouch. Teri takes the stage and awkwardly and painfully makes her way through “Before He Cheats” and how the hell did this even happen? I get that she and Tink had drinks at some gay bar and thought this would be the best idea ever, but who LET them do it? I don’t care what anyone says, I love me some Desperate Housewives, and I even love Teri because she plays the sweetest little loser ever. When she does it in real life though, it just makes me sad. Thankfully, she’s followed by Mary Murphy’s crazy butt in camouflage! YAY!

Wait. Where is she? I can only see her head and her hands.

Mary does her trademark scream and says that she’s gonna continue screeching like that until we pick up our phones and donate, or turn off our TVs. Teri Hatcher followed by Mary Murphy screaming her plastic face off. Nice work, Nigel. Speaking of, Nigel pops up on screen holding his ears and begging us to call because he can’t take this much longer. You’re not the only one. Did you hear that? I always wondered what it would sound like when eight bazillion TVs turned off at the same time. Sorry, starving children. You’re screwed.



After a long relaxing commercial break, Billy Crystal comes out. He makes fun of Randy’s “dawg” thing. Groundbreaking as usual, Billy. Then he introduces Miley Cyrus and gives her advice on performing to big crowds, then she gives him crap about being old. They’re both terribly natural as they battle for applause while masturbating their resumes all over us. He comes off like a dick, and then she comes off like a dick. Well done. You’re both a holes. I totally want to help people now. Who put this together? This show sucks ass.

Miley jumps all over the stage and sings in her squeaky being driven over a bumpy road voice while she thrashes her head and gets all punk rock with the mic stand. Now, that’s rock and roll. I’ll bet she went back to her dressing room and threw up all over herself.

Hi there. I’d like to donate to the fat kids. No, no. Just the fat kids. No, why do you keep saying Africa? I want. My money. To go. To fat. Kids. Yes, I’ll hold.

The contestants are all gathered in the phone bank taking calls. Riiiight. You know they’re all just mouthing “watermelon watermelon peas and carrots” as Tink flits around them. At first, they all seem to be impressed with the MacBook Airs they’ve all been outfitted with, but by the time Tink gets to the end of his segment, they are bitching audibly about the shitty battery life and slow ass hard drive.

We’re about thirty five minutes into the show now, so let’s recap. We’ve heard from Little Richard/Snoop Dogg, Teri Hatcher, and Hanna Montana. Tink gives credit to the sponsors, which include numerous giant corporations I won’t mention here because I’m too lazy. Hey, guys. How bout each of you donate ten percent of your profits for a month and GET OFF MY BACK? Thanks.

One of the companies that is sponsoring tonight’s show is MAC makeup, who funds AIDS research by selling a lipstick called VivaGlam. I don’t know why that cracks me up, but it does. “That is the ho-iest lipstick I have ever seen you wear.” “Shut up! It’s funding AIDS research.” “My bad. Ho on, sista.” Speaking of, where there’s an AIDS in Africa, there’s a Bono. He introduces us to a family that has been ripped apart by the disease and it is really so sad. Bono asks a little girl what she wants to say to America and she tells the camera that she wants us to keep watching the show even though Teri Hatcher tempted you not to and to please help her. Aw. I pick up the phone to donate and she adds “and I want a MacBook Air, please.” Dammit! I was almost fooled by that little crook!

Come on, people. Bono gave his left hand. The least you could do is spare a buck or two.

Biggest shock of the night so far, Julianne Moore can’t read cue cards for shit. Movie stars.

The Holocaust didn’t happen. Wait, who wrote that? Guys, stop trying to make me look stoopid!

Fergie comes out and tries to sing a nice soft song with John Legend accompanying her, but it’s too hard, so she starts yelling half way through even though there’s no band to back her up. Ow. That hurted. She kicks Legend off stage and brings out Anne and Nancy Wilson to sing Barracuda. Heart! A. RIGHT ON! and B. What the hell? They can still rock the shit out of that song, and I’m especially impressed by Anne. She may look like Dawn French is playing her, but bitch can SANG. Fergie comes out, and as if to taunt the now biggish Anne, starts bouncing around, belting, and doing cartwheels. If I was Anne I’d shove the mic down her throat and kick her offstage, but I’m not, so I’ll just concentrate on my Little Caesars. Fergie, calm down, nutso. You’re scaring Heart.

Adam Sandler is generous enough to let a camera into his trailer to shoot a give money segment. Aw! And back to the stage. Tink is pretending to talk to people on the phone again. There’s my girl Amanda!! I love that she doesn’t even fake it. She just sits there and smiles at the cameras. LOL Amanda. David Hernandez is also there in the background, and as Tink moves onto the next bit, he waves and waves. HEY! I’M DAVID HERNANDEZ! REMEMBER ME?

‘Fraid not.

Eli and Peyton Manning come out to show us why football players should never be allowed to speak on TV. They introduce a clip of Katrina. Still sucks. The boys took a trip down there to check out some kind of counseling center for victims, and Eli cracks me up because he is smiling and gesturing to the camera awkwardly like he’s selling used cars on a local station, even when they are talking about lives being destroyed. Someone should go into politics…

Vote for Hurricane Eli!

The Beckhams come out and all I can say is he’s hot and I am really getting sick of seeing her haircut EVERYWHERE. Jennifer Aniston must be hellapissed right now. While they talk I throw pepperoni at the screen and tell them to donate their own damn money, freakin rich people, but then David says that they are donating too. Woops. I take it back and eat pepperoni off the entertainment center. What? Sixty second rule. Victoria has the most beautiful smile, doesn’t she?

Say cheese!

Tink checks in with the fake call center and tells us that they have raised 18 million dollars so far! Does that include the 15 already ponied up by the sponsors? Wouldn’t that be sad? You know what else is sad?

Still no?

Back to Bono in Africa. He talks to a kid who lost both his parents to AIDS. Then he introduces Annie Lennox, who is in South Africa talking to brothers. She asks “Do you have a mom?” They answer no. “A dad?” No. A Grandma? A Grandpa? An Uncle? An Aunt? Cousins? Second cousins? Jesus Annie, no. Gaaawd. They start crying. I hope you’re proud of yourself, Lennox! She narrates that the boys have no family. Yeah, we got that. This is a truly sad story, and it turns suspenseful when Annie gets them all in a van to go take an AIDS test. Oh, man, we’ve all been there. I cried for two hours and ate a gallon of Rocky Road when I got my first one. Thankfully, they are all negative. I hope that doesn’t mean they don’t get any money, cuz that would be a wasted trip. Annie breaks down at the end, and I squeeze out a couple, too. This night is a roller coaster. Africa segment done. Now maybe Bree Van de Kamp will come out and sing “Since You Been Gone”.

When the segment is over, Annie comes out on stage!! Hey! She was just in Africa! I call shennanigans! She’s wearing a t-shirt that says HIV Positive. Huh? Who even manufactures those shirts? They would be helpful in bars, for sure, but they seem kinda inappropriate. I am going to make a t-shirt that says “overweight and balding” and wear it to the grocery store. ANYWAYS, Annie sings her ASS off. This woman is amazing. She is technically perfect and emotionally involved and she has no fear of singing ugly, as Fantasia would say. All I can say is damn. I bow down, Lennox!

Badass.

It kinda kills the moment to haul out Keifer Sutherland to do a blurb right after she bows, but it seems to be the pattern of the night. When we come back from break, Celine Dion is in South Africa rattling off statistics. She is the first celebrity who’s actually been thinner than the children. Seriously. She’s got ET’s legs.

Dang. Someone get this girl a sack of grain.

Jimmy Kimmel comes out and does a monologue. He says that Bush needs to secure the borders to keep future Simon Cowell’s out. Then he makes fun of Simon’s tight shirts and giant nipples. Eh, Kimmel. Has this show been going on so long that it’s actually bleeding into the late show? He keeps ragging on Simon and it’s rude and kinda funny, but his girlfriend does it WAY better.

Then we get a Simon helping people montage. Fifteen million kids are without health insurance. To bring the point home, he visits a poor family who has the worst luck ever. The son has had four knee surgeries, the daughter has rheumatoid arthritis, and the mom has lupus. Jesus Christ. Simon let’s her cry it out and then tells her that she lacks originality and charisma. And get a better stylist, poor mom.

Back on stage, Simon thanks people who donated and regarding his mini roast: he’s always liked the Jay Leno show. Good one. Jimmy Kimmel writing for you now? He reminds us that a few seasons ago he said Carrie Underwood would sell more albums than any winner, and as usual he was right. Good call. Carrie looks gorgeous. She sings a song about…empty hands and begging and rich and poor and what the hell I can’t tell but I feel really sad. I love this girl. She had the personality of a piece of driftwood when she was on the show, but man time has really loosened her up. She is emoting left and right and she’s really developed a presence. Atta girl!

In keeping with the pattern of touching/awkward, Carrie’s standing ovation is followed by a clip of Whoopie Goldberg speeding through a send money now clip on the set of The View,

What ever happened to Comic Relief?

Oh, here it is! Ellen! She’s doing that thing where she talks about minute things but she does it with that funny timing. She should have her own show. Now for the real good times: Gloria Estefan!! Does anyone remember how awful Gloria Estefan night was on the show? Why is she even allowed in the building? We are more than an hour and a half in, and we get Gloria? Not to worry. She brought her highlarious dancers.

Ow! My barrette is caught in your sequin! Stop dancing! Stooooop!

Gloria sounds exactly the same as she did back in the day, the arrangement is the same, the costumes are the same, and Sheila E is still banging on snare drums in ball gowns. If that performance didn’t inspire you to give like it’s 1989, nothing will. Sarah Silverman comes out and doesn’t really go for it in the rude department, but she still has me LOLing the whole time. Even when she brings up malaria. HAHAHAH I love her. The audience is cringing, and I kind of am too, but it’s because of what she’s not saying. What the hell is this little rebel doing on American Idol giving a public shout out to Exxon Mobile execs? Sarah, come on now. Even the execs are waiting to get their asses handed to them.

Catch a tiger let him go.

Then she introduces a clip starring Forrest Whitaker and doesn’t even mention his droopy doggedness or his busted eye! Come on, Sarah! I looked up to you! Why God? WHY? BRING BACK MY SARAH! Forrest does a really sad and moving story on malaria, and Exxon Mobile is splashed on the screen the whole time. Have I become too cynical, or is this just offensively wrong to you, too?

My gas cost forty five dollars! Waaaaah!

Joking aside, this one really gets me. The images of the dying babies is just horrific, and even worse, I made fun of people only getting a lousy mosquito net from American Idol instead of a Playstation. One net can save a kid from getting bit by an infected mosquito. God I hate myself right now. Forrest seems to be talking directly to me. He’s even kinda flipping me off.

Ok, ok! I’ll call! Wait brb someone’s AIMing me.

Where were we? I forgot. Anyway, Gordon Brown, the Prime Minister of Great Britain, reiterates that we could save a kid with a ten dollar net, and then he pledges twenty million nets from Great Britain! DAMN! The audience just gives him polite applause. Come on, assholes. I know he’s just a pasty white dude who talks funny and he’s not current and sexy like Gloria Estefan, show some signs of life. That’s two hundred million bucks. Get on your fucking feet. Tink has the same reaction I do. He tells the audience what twenty million times ten is. Crickets. Then he starts clapping for them and they join in and start screaming. Sheep.

Next up is Reese Witherspoon! Love her. It’s funny, because every time I hear her name or see her, I think of our own commenter, ReeseWitherspoon. This is very jarring because our ReeseWitherspoon is delightfully up front, sarcastic and vulgar, and I like to pretend that it’s really the real life Reese Witherspoon getting out her true feelings while being too stupid to come up with a screen name. Anyway, the real Reese talks about how important it is to educate our own dumb kids here in America, and that’s a great sentiment, but I can’t stop staring at the shadow of her chin. She’s like a human sun dial.

It’s 6 o’clock, do you know where your ignant kids are?

Reese shows us a video that was made of her traveling to New Orleans to visit a family that is poor because the mom is addicted to hair products and keeps spending all their money to look gorgeous. So, so sad.

That do could have paid for private school, but nooooooo.

Reese looks a little uncomfortable in the clips, but she always looks like that. That stick up her butt is what’s endeared us to her! Never take it out, Reese! Oh, yeah, and donate to schools or something. Since that segment wasn’t about AIDS, the Idols are brought out to sing a song from Rent. It sounds bland and boring at the start, but then a choir is added and it starts to kick. Why was Kristy Lee given the big black woman solo? She, obviously, bones it. No one saves it until the Fetus knocks it out of the park. And Syesha turns in another good one. I hate that I am liking her. Did Brooke do anything in that song? Maybe they are afraid she’ll go into performance convulsions without a piano.

Dane Cook comes out to introduce a “journey through Africa” starring Alicia Keys that we can download off iTunes for free. He jokes that we can download his journey across Burbank for six bucks. HA. That I would download. Alicia makes a good point in the clip we are shown. The AIDS crisis would be solved if we spent even half our time focusing on it’s stories rather than celebrity drama. But then how would we solve the Britney crisis? Get your head out of your cornhole, Alicia!

And now! Saving their big guns for last! Welcome….Hanna Montana again. This girl marches and bounces and bangs her had against the air more than anyone I’ve seen in awhile. She’s gonna have head trauma. I can’t judge her singing well because I had to press mute. All I can say is, couldn’t you change your jeans? You’re on TV. I just can’t get behind this girl. Her extreme confidence bugs me. You’re 15! You’re supposed to hate yourself right now!!!

No fair. I was hiding under the bleachers with a box of Little Debbie Brownies when I was your age.

Hannah and her dad travel to Kentucky to check out the poor people there. It’s everything you’d think. Trailers, mullets, toothlessness. We spend most of our time with one family. The mom says that she really wants help for her kids, and you’re soulless if you don’t feel bad for them. Then Hannah Montana gives them some books and the family’s all “ooooh! Boooks!” Then they throw them in the fire that’s raging in the trash can.

Thanks. It was really cold in here.

We’re nearing the end of the road here, and Nigel seems to sense that we’re not feeling enough hopelessness. His solution? He brings out Robin Williams in leather pants.

Feel it now?

Robin Williams has a rep for stealing material, so it’s kind of perfect that he shows up doing an impression of a Russian Idol. My first thought was “wow, he’s reaching all the way back to Yakov Smirnoff for this one. Crafty.” Then Tink asks him his name and he says “Yakinov.” L. O. Fucking. L. Piece of work, I tell you. He makes some aren’t Russians wacky jokes and I can’t see what he’s doing because my head is in my hands. When I look up, Simon is not buying this bs any more than I am and dammit, Simon. LOVE YOU.

Randy calls it forcibly pitchy, Paula (sporting hair inspired by the do from the New Orleans mom pictured above) says she likes his shirt, and Simon says he was brilliant. Then Robin grabs his ass and begs Brad and Angelina to adopt him. God it’s getting late. Are you tired? Robin Williams is.

Rob Shneider follows with a blurb saying that they need to raise a billion dollars and Bono’s only willing to pony up half. LOL, Schneider. I don’t think I’ve ever typed that. Now I’m just plain grumpy. Check, please! David Spade comes out looking skanky as ever to introduce Brad Pitt, who has made it his mission to rebuild New Orleans after Katrina. Get busy, dude. It’s been three years!! How is it possible that in this country that place is still completely wrecked? That’s a damn disgrace, yo. Brad’s gonna change it!! He supports a charity that builds affordable housing and who cares? BRAD YOU ARE SO FIIINE. His is definitely the most cheerful and hopeful of all the clips. Great music plays and everyone he interviews is happy and dancing. I’m surprised they aired it. Right on, Pitt.

After the clip, he comes on stage and the girls scream as loudly as they do for the fetus. You’ve still got it, tiger! His mic doesn’t work, and the girls scream to tell him. The stage manager comes onstage to help him fix it and says “It fell down.” I wish she had added “dumb ass movie stars”. Instead, she says “I just wanted an excuse to touch him.” Then she does a take to the cameras. HAHAHAH, stage manager lady. She ate that UP. Good for her.

See? Idol Gave Back! It’s all worth it!

After all that, I expected a big speech, but come on. It’s Brad Pitt. He twinkles his eyes, pouts his lips, introduces Chris Daughtry, and gets the hell out of there. Well done. Chris sings a song to a group of African children who seem kind of bored at first, but by the tenth take they’re totally into it. For those of you who can’t understand why I give the current “rockers” on this show so much shit, this is why. They’re kind of Chris Daughtry clearance rack knock offs. This guy is fun to make fun of, but he’s really really gooood. Even though I’m bored senseless by most of his music. Random African child, do you agree or disagree?

Rude.

HEY!!! WTF? My DVR cut off. Was that it? Dammit. What is this, the Oscars? Alright, well sorry bout that. You guys will have to fill me in on the fireworks ending. Thanks for sticking with me on this one. If you want to donate but feel like a total jackass handing your credit card over to Exxon Mobil and Nigel (did I mention my gas cost forty five bucks?) here are some charities that could use your help. And you won’t have to listen to Teri Hatcher butcher anything to get it done. LOVE, Flip

amFAR, Habitat for Humanity, Red Cross, The Hunger Project, Doctors Without Borders…

or pick your own flavor from a trusted source:

Charity Watch