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American Idol has been going full steam ahead in recent weeks, airing 3 episode’s a week, expecting people to actually devote 2.5 to 3 hours of time away from tending the yard or filing taxes in order to go on an aural journey through mediocre to barely passable singing. Of course, I kid. These kids are amazing. We love to devote our limited time to fawning over them. We’d give more, six, seven hours if we could. Alas, the factory that made Rye-Rye Seacrest is all outta parts, and our little robot can only do so many hours onscreen a week. You know those robot unions are real rule sticklers.
This post has already gotten out of hand. Its main purpose it to take a look at who’s left in the competition, at who sucks, at who’s great, and at who may very well win the most watched reality show on this little blue marble of ours (no, not Simon’s testiclay.) I should also point out that all of my Seacrest jabbing remains in jest: I am loving Seacrest this season. It’s like when there’s a certain dog breed that people buy up (remember the French bulldog?), and then a year later abandon: Right now, I just wanna pop him in a Louis Vuitton tote and take him all over town.
Right now, Idol is airing 3 times a week: Monday for the boys, Tuesday for the girls, and Wednesday with the results, where four people will get the boot until we have the “best” 12 boys and girls. (Please note: I am not a mathematician nor have I ever studied or taken a math class. My odds-making is completely bogus.)
First, the boys:
Anthony Federov: Tall, blonde, distracting neck scar. Remember when Jon Secada was famous, and you wished you could take him home to meet your mom and dad, but realized it would never work because Secada is famously uncircumcised and unwhitepeople? Meet Anthony Federov. When he isn’t kind of butchering your favorite Foreigner song, he’s out bleaching his hair to earn albino points with the ladies. People are calling him the Clay Aiken II, which is an inaccuracy: Clay Aiken is clearly a top, while Federov is a demure bottom. In the end, Federov’s likely to make the Top 10, but sure to get voted off eventually. Odds of winning idol: 20 to 1.
Anwar Robinson: Adorable. To eat him up. Anwar seems to be leading the pack of an overall pretty talented group of guys, and he’s got what it takes: An amazing voice, moves, and some of the silkiest dreadlocks you’ve ever dreamed about. I’m a big fan, and hopefully Anwar likes a woman who can put away a meal or three. Odds of winning idol: 4 to 1.
Constantine Maroulis: Putting the “Constantine” in “Constantine being the most annoying person on the show this year.” From his cocky attitude, to his less than perfect looks (no chin, buck toothed, flat assedâ€¦ you read me.), to his complete lack of any talent or charisma whatsoever, WHY is he on the show? Simon made the comment last week that you could walk into any bar across America and hear someone of equal or considerably more talent, and he’s right. Somewhere, there’s a Greek School for the Blind and Deaf that’s keeping this guy on the show. People, let’s shut that school down. Odds of winning idol: 147 to 1.
Bo Bice: LOVE THE BICE. Bo has been bringing it in so many ways. For starters, he has a penis, which is something I’m not sure the other guys can attest to. For enders, he’s got a great voice, is humble, appreciative, and an adult. My only worry is that he’ll lose points for the whole penis thing. Odds of winning idol: 35 to 1.
Mario “Kangol” Vasquez: Let’s face it: The man loves hats. By far the most miniature of the boys, him and Seacrest would definitely have the most adorable play dates. Mario is adorable, even with his femme-A.C.-Slater vibe, and I’m guessing 14 year olds with no gaydar are just lurving him. The good news is, he’s not intolerable, and in fact quite enjoyable. I’m a fan. Odds of winning idol: 10 to 1.
Nikko “Ozzie” Smith: Nikko is actually one of my favorites this year. He seems pretty genuine, like he’s trying hard, and I think would be fun to watch in later rounds. His nice guy act might lose him some points against Anwar, who’s perfected the angle. Nikko’s gotta “step it up” (to quote the judge’s favorite regurge) if he really wants to make it through. Odds of winning idol: 50 to 1.
Scott Savol: The fat guy. Piggish. Unpleasant to look at. He can sing? Great. I hated Ruben, Scott’s oh. kay. I guess, but I don’t think he has the talent to overcome his borderline down-syndromey appearance. Ya’ll can hate me for saying it, but I just think that it’s time he goes. I would, however, be willing to give him a chance as a replacement for Horatio Sanz. I mean, OK, I laugh at the guy too, but camman — SNL! Look how far he has Fallon. Odds of winning idol: 250 to 1.
Travis Tucker: Travis is by far the most attractive guy on the show. He’s perfect. He hails from MAN-ASS-AS(S), Virginia. Travis’ only flaw is that he’s not such a great singer. It would be fun to have him break the top 10, but it seems like Anwar is the major “beat that” competition at this point, so I don’t think it’s gonna happen. Odds of winning idol: 130 to 1.
Amanda Avila: Meet Travis Tucker. I’m afraid Amanda is in kind of the same boat with Travis, good looks, but so-so on the voice (compared to her competition). I don’t find her offensive, overall pretty nice, but kind of bland too. Lord knows Simon is dying to test her waters, which is a vague and rarely used euphemism for have sex with her. But, seeing as though I’m sans-penis, I’m neutral on this one, and half of America might be too. Odds of winning idol: 30 to 1.
Vonzell Solomon: My other favorite girl in the competition. What’s not to love? She’s adorable, has a great voice, seems very sweet. Just please, people, do NOT pull a Latoya London on me and vote her off in the heat of the moment. I’m still completely scarred from that one. Odds of winning Idol: 10 to 1.
Janay Castine: Voted “The Worst Dresser of the Season” by me. Also, tiny. Seriously, Scott Savol eats three of her for breakfast. Listen, Janay, when you’re all of 5 inches tall, baring your 1.5 inch stomach under a leopard sheath is a highly debatable fashion choice. She also looks like someone who would suck the blood out of babies to survive. You know what I’m saying about her face? It scares me, that’s what. I can’t even remember what she sound like. Odds of winning idol: 175 to 1.
Lindsey Cardinale: The baritone of the troupe, I still haven’t been completely wowed by her. In fact, I thought I was a fan until last week when she pulled out some weird, honky-tonk number that honky-stunk! Thank you, I’ll be here all week. She’s got the look, and she’s still a pretty good singer, so I’d say it’s a safe bet that she’ll make the top 10. Odds of winning Idol 50 to 1.
Carrie Underwood: Not only my favorite of the girls, but I think the strongest bet at this point for taker of the grand prize, America’s Idol. She’s got everything: Charm, looks, an amazing voice, apple pie for brains, and red, white and blue turds. Honestly, that’s like my highest compliment. I think America’s ready for a new female country star — I mean, Leann Rhimes has been busted since the day her mother shat her out of a Kansas trailer. Odds of winning Idol 2 to 1.
Nadia Turner: Another one I’m kind of bland on, perhaps due to her song choices. Not a yes, not a no, at this point a maybe. I dig her style though — that’s gotta count for something, right? Odds of winning Idol: 35 to 1.
Jessica Sierra: The “Scott Savol” of the girls. Not her weight so much as it is her underbite. I know it sounds like I’m being picky, people, but I’m just tryin’ to be real with yo asses. America hates underbites. Learn. It seems like Simon is pulling for her and trying to manipulate America into voting for Jess, so maybe there is something there that I haven’t discovered yet. Like, does she have a good voice? I guess it’s OK, but I’m not wowed over heels about it. Odds of winning Idol: 45 to 1.
Mikalah Gordon: A controversial girl, this Mikalah is, and definitely smarter than her plastic surgerized face might give away. Here’s the truth: I like Mikalah. I’m pulling for her. I know she’s annoying, she’s probably nuts, and will be in therapy in t minus 4 years ago, but Mikalah? I’m on your side. I think she’s got a great voice, different, powerful, not to mention a memorable presence. And I think America will come around to thinking this too: Early on, she was a little to “in our faces”, but it looks like she’s calmed down a bit. Odds of winning Idol: 10 to 1.
I heavily debated weighing in again on Constantine Maroulis, but why hammer the point home?
So there you have it, folksies. Kind of a mid-year report, if you will. Feel free to agree or disagree with my opinions at will in the provided comments section below. I eagerly await your digital public thrashing.