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Tuesday, March 8, 2005
11:56 am
42 Comments
American Idol has been going full steam ahead in recent weeks, airing 3 episode’s a week, expecting people to actually devote 2.5 to 3 hours of time away from tending the yard or filing taxes in order to go on an aural journey through mediocre to barely passable singing. Of course, I kid. These kids are amazing. We love to devote our limited time to fawning over them. We’d give more, six, seven hours if we could. Alas, the factory that made Rye-Rye Seacrest is all outta parts, and our little robot can only do so many hours onscreen a week. You know those robot unions are real rule sticklers.
This post has already gotten out of hand. Its main purpose it to take a look at who’s left in the competition, at who sucks, at who’s great, and at who may very well win the most watched reality show on this little blue marble of ours (no, not Simon’s testiclay.) I should also point out that all of my Seacrest jabbing remains in jest: I am loving Seacrest this season. It’s like when there’s a certain dog breed that people buy up (remember the French bulldog?), and then a year later abandon: Right now, I just wanna pop him in a Louis Vuitton tote and take him all over town.
Right now, Idol is airing 3 times a week: Monday for the boys, Tuesday for the girls, and Wednesday with the results, where four people will get the boot until we have the “best” 12 boys and girls. (Please note: I am not a mathematician nor have I ever studied or taken a math class. My odds-making is completely bogus.)
First, the boys:
Anthony Federov: Tall, blonde, distracting neck scar. Remember when Jon Secada was famous, and you wished you could take him home to meet your mom and dad, but realized it would never work because Secada is famously uncircumcised and unwhitepeople? Meet Anthony Federov. When he isn’t kind of butchering your favorite Foreigner song, he’s out bleaching his hair to earn albino points with the ladies. People are calling him the Clay Aiken II, which is an inaccuracy: Clay Aiken is clearly a top, while Federov is a demure bottom. In the end, Federov’s likely to make the Top 10, but sure to get voted off eventually. Odds of winning idol: 20 to 1.
Anwar Robinson: Adorable. To eat him up. Anwar seems to be leading the pack of an overall pretty talented group of guys, and he’s got what it takes: An amazing voice, moves, and some of the silkiest dreadlocks you’ve ever dreamed about. I’m a big fan, and hopefully Anwar likes a woman who can put away a meal or three. Odds of winning idol: 4 to 1.
Constantine Maroulis: Putting the “Constantine” in “Constantine being the most annoying person on the show this year.” From his cocky attitude, to his less than perfect looks (no chin, buck toothed, flat assed… you read me.), to his complete lack of any talent or charisma whatsoever, WHY is he on the show? Simon made the comment last week that you could walk into any bar across America and hear someone of equal or considerably more talent, and he’s right. Somewhere, there’s a Greek School for the Blind and Deaf that’s keeping this guy on the show. People, let’s shut that school down. Odds of winning idol: 147 to 1.
Bo Bice: LOVE THE BICE. Bo has been bringing it in so many ways. For starters, he has a penis, which is something I’m not sure the other guys can attest to. For enders, he’s got a great voice, is humble, appreciative, and an adult. My only worry is that he’ll lose points for the whole penis thing. Odds of winning idol: 35 to 1.
Mario “Kangol” Vasquez: Let’s face it: The man loves hats. By far the most miniature of the boys, him and Seacrest would definitely have the most adorable play dates. Mario is adorable, even with his femme-A.C.-Slater vibe, and I’m guessing 14 year olds with no gaydar are just lurving him. The good news is, he’s not intolerable, and in fact quite enjoyable. I’m a fan. Odds of winning idol: 10 to 1.
Nikko “Ozzie” Smith: Nikko is actually one of my favorites this year. He seems pretty genuine, like he’s trying hard, and I think would be fun to watch in later rounds. His nice guy act might lose him some points against Anwar, who’s perfected the angle. Nikko’s gotta “step it up” (to quote the judge’s favorite regurge) if he really wants to make it through. Odds of winning idol: 50 to 1.
Scott Savol: The fat guy. Piggish. Unpleasant to look at. He can sing? Great. I hated Ruben, Scott’s oh. kay. I guess, but I don’t think he has the talent to overcome his borderline down-syndromey appearance. Ya’ll can hate me for saying it, but I just think that it’s time he goes. I would, however, be willing to give him a chance as a replacement for Horatio Sanz. I mean, OK, I laugh at the guy too, but camman — SNL! Look how far he has Fallon. Odds of winning idol: 250 to 1.
Travis Tucker: Travis is by far the most attractive guy on the show. He’s perfect. He hails from MAN-ASS-AS(S), Virginia. Travis’ only flaw is that he’s not such a great singer. It would be fun to have him break the top 10, but it seems like Anwar is the major “beat that” competition at this point, so I don’t think it’s gonna happen. Odds of winning idol: 130 to 1.
THE LADIES:
Amanda Avila: Meet Travis Tucker. I’m afraid Amanda is in kind of the same boat with Travis, good looks, but so-so on the voice (compared to her competition). I don’t find her offensive, overall pretty nice, but kind of bland too. Lord knows Simon is dying to test her waters, which is a vague and rarely used euphemism for have sex with her. But, seeing as though I’m sans-penis, I’m neutral on this one, and half of America might be too. Odds of winning idol: 30 to 1.
Vonzell Solomon: My other favorite girl in the competition. What’s not to love? She’s adorable, has a great voice, seems very sweet. Just please, people, do NOT pull a Latoya London on me and vote her off in the heat of the moment. I’m still completely scarred from that one. Odds of winning Idol: 10 to 1.
Janay Castine: Voted “The Worst Dresser of the Season” by me. Also, tiny. Seriously, Scott Savol eats three of her for breakfast. Listen, Janay, when you’re all of 5 inches tall, baring your 1.5 inch stomach under a leopard sheath is a highly debatable fashion choice. She also looks like someone who would suck the blood out of babies to survive. You know what I’m saying about her face? It scares me, that’s what. I can’t even remember what she sound like. Odds of winning idol: 175 to 1.
Lindsey Cardinale: The baritone of the troupe, I still haven’t been completely wowed by her. In fact, I thought I was a fan until last week when she pulled out some weird, honky-tonk number that honky-stunk! Thank you, I’ll be here all week. She’s got the look, and she’s still a pretty good singer, so I’d say it’s a safe bet that she’ll make the top 10. Odds of winning Idol 50 to 1.
Carrie Underwood: Not only my favorite of the girls, but I think the strongest bet at this point for taker of the grand prize, America’s Idol. She’s got everything: Charm, looks, an amazing voice, apple pie for brains, and red, white and blue turds. Honestly, that’s like my highest compliment. I think America’s ready for a new female country star — I mean, Leann Rhimes has been busted since the day her mother shat her out of a Kansas trailer. Odds of winning Idol 2 to 1.
Nadia Turner: Another one I’m kind of bland on, perhaps due to her song choices. Not a yes, not a no, at this point a maybe. I dig her style though — that’s gotta count for something, right? Odds of winning Idol: 35 to 1.
Jessica Sierra: The “Scott Savol” of the girls. Not her weight so much as it is her underbite. I know it sounds like I’m being picky, people, but I’m just tryin’ to be real with yo asses. America hates underbites. Learn. It seems like Simon is pulling for her and trying to manipulate America into voting for Jess, so maybe there is something there that I haven’t discovered yet. Like, does she have a good voice? I guess it’s OK, but I’m not wowed over heels about it. Odds of winning Idol: 45 to 1.
Mikalah Gordon: A controversial girl, this Mikalah is, and definitely smarter than her plastic surgerized face might give away. Here’s the truth: I like Mikalah. I’m pulling for her. I know she’s annoying, she’s probably nuts, and will be in therapy in t minus 4 years ago, but Mikalah? I’m on your side. I think she’s got a great voice, different, powerful, not to mention a memorable presence. And I think America will come around to thinking this too: Early on, she was a little to “in our faces”, but it looks like she’s calmed down a bit. Odds of winning Idol: 10 to 1.
I heavily debated weighing in again on Constantine Maroulis, but why hammer the point home?
So there you have it, folksies. Kind of a mid-year report, if you will. Feel free to agree or disagree with my opinions at will in the provided comments section below. I eagerly await your digital public thrashing.
TV Social
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42 Comments
This was a great recap. If I was a mean person, I might say that Scott Savol’s picture reminds me of a mugshot of a serial killer. And I would bet $20 that his middle name is Wayne. But I’m not mean, so I won’t say that.
Mario is gay? I didn’t know that. I guess I’ll have to stop crushing on him…
hey hey, manassas is close to northern virginia, and, as we all know, northern virginia and the rest of it should be completely separate states. NOVA is closer to DC.
I am still sad over the loss of the cute boy in the first round that I have forgotten his name already, so I’ll hop back on the band wagon until they start doing the cheesy themed weeks and coke commercials…I’m way over those.
Also don’t worry tuliplover…I heard Mario’s not gay, everyone knows you are only gay if you receive.
The boys are way better this year I think it’s down to Carrie Underwood, Mikaila Gordon, Bo Bice or Anwar. Tough call.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, my boyfriend wants everyone to know that he thinks Janay Castine is Lil Bow Wow’s (now known as Bow) twin.
But he also thinks Mikalah is my twin, that was frozen a born 10 years later, so shows what he knows. We look nothing alike.
I love how Constantine has a standard move set he busts out in every performance. He goes through it iin order with each performance: the Billy Idol Sneer into the camera, throwing the mike stand down, pointing to the camera, and ending with him throwing the right side of his jacket open while he looks to the audience at his left.
Mrs. Papercuts! constantly refers to Mario Vasquez as “Poopie” since that’s what his very hispanic mother called him during the audition round. She also refers to Janay as “Janaynay.”
How could you NOT refer to Mikalah Gordon as “The Nanny” or “Little Fran Drescher?” I know I do and I’m firmly in the “fan” camp of hers.
Scott Savol desperately wants to be from the hood. Hell, he does a great verbal impression of Shaquille O’Neal every week, what with the emotionless monotone he uses when speaking, so he’s at least a quarter of the way there. It would be great if he sang “I love it when you call me big poppa.” That would rule.
I have a penis and I’m all about the ‘gina, but Amanda Avila does absolutely NOTHING for me. She has a horrible singing voice, too. You should have put odds on her sleeping with Simon to get a record deal after the competition is over.
And what was with the funky way Simon said “Polar Bear” last night? It came out “polar BEAR.” Weird.
Carrie Underwood’s transparent “I’m so humble” act is getting old. I want her off my t.v. yesterday.
Hopefully Jessica will wear something flattering this week, unlike the mesh dress from round one and the blue plastic camping tarp she wore last week. They do make clothes that fit and flatter a girl with her figure.
Seriously, that Scott Savol kid almost makes me drop a pant leg full of booty pebbles evertime I see him! And who the hell told him “Y’know? Your head is the size of the peach James and pals ride in, why don’t you try wearing these really small glasse…” It’s looks like someone put to sequins on a linty moon pie!
I have to wonder how some of these people made it this far. Janay just looks terrified whenever they show her, whether she’s singing or just watching others. Amanda is no good and elbows people to get in front of the camera when “consoling” a loser. Constantine also can’t sing and is obnoxious. Why did the judges put these people in the semi-finals at all?
i love connie. i think he is about ten times hotter than bo bo. and what is up with bo bo in all brown all the time? at least connie dresses well. and have you seen how he TOWERS over Seacrest? He is a full head taller!
I think janay looks like a cabbage patch kid.
Great recap. You posters out there are KILLING me with the hilarious snark. Keep it up!
My ex kinda looks like Constantine (minus the vicious overbite). That’s enough for me to want his ass booted. I’m pulling for Bo & Nadia.
Just a little update after last night’s episode — I thought Nadia was AMAZING, Carrie was so-so, Mikalah sucked, and I fell asleep before Jessica (and the AMazing Race, don’t get me started…) Should be a pretty obvious elimination round tonight…
Thank you for finally voicing my shared feelings about Constantine. I will never understand how he’s still in this compeition – I have to turn the channel when his arrogant ass comes on TV.
Bo Rocks! He should win – not the typical cookie cutter pop persona but still has lots of range. Love him!
Oops, just noticed my typo in “competition” – my bad.
I also wanted to point out Constantine in the above picture – does anyone else think it odd that his chest hair does not begin until about half way down? BUTTON THAT SHIT UP!
B-Rock, what about his “straddling” of the couch like a pommel horse?
I literally cracked up reading these posts. I agree with the comments regarding Constance-teen. Obnoxious is too kind a word- and the “standard move” has got to go. I’m pulling for Mario, Anwar, and I loves me some BICE.
I recently read a column on another website that pointed out what a parrot Paula is. I knew it was true, but I really paid attention to her comments last night. Everything Randy says, she says. She seems like a sweet person, but as a judge she is terrible. She has very few original thoughts, she doesn’t make sense half the time, and she’s just silly.
She should get together with Audrey from The Apprentice and swap “deep thoughts.” Audrey: “In the end, those of us who walk away winning, win more than the loss.” Paula: “Your voice is your instrument and tonight it’s an orchestra.”
Very much like the current crop of ‘Apprentice’ candidates, I am finding it extremely difficult to pull for ANYONE in this competition. Last year, like her or hate her, you knew Fantasia was going to win. This year, not a single contestant has had consistent, solid performances, and none of them are very likable in ant way. Who knows, maybe ‘Lion King’ theme night will change all that, but, despite good ratings, I am afraid that both Idol and Apprentice are inching ever closer to the shark tank.
Constantine really does suck. He tries so hard to be a badass, but wasn’t he in Rent? Also, I hate “rockers” who try to prove their cred by making little growling screetches.
Anthony Federov – can’t stand him. such a boring, schlocky voice.
Travis – you know, he doesn’t sing too well, but he has fun up there, and as Paula would say, that’s just him.
as for last night – Janay and Mikalah were horrifyingly bad. I liked how when Paula asked MIkalah if she was a big Barbara Streisand fan, Mikalah tried to play it down. Listen, if your entire schtick is low-grade Fran Drescher-isms, you can’t be denying your love for Babs.
Speaking of the teeth…I love it when they cut to Constantine and he’s smiling that horrid smile. He kinda looks like Nelson from The Simpsons.
Did anyone else see that horrifying photo of Constantine without his shirt on? It is supposed to be sexy, but he looks like he’s sniffing his armpit. He’s all hairy and has the body of someone’s dad. So gross.
Also, I missed his appearance on Elimidate. I wanted to see it so badly, I can’t even imagine how hilarious it was.
Constantine’s Howard Dean scream has scarred me for life.
I’m all about Anwar. Okay, well I like Mario too. And Travis is great, if only because he took a dance break IN A SINGING COMPETITION.
I could basically do without the girls. I like Amanda, but only because she’s hot…not because she can sing. Vonzell is good and I like to say her name (I really miss saying Aloha Mischeaux)! I like Carrie (but doesn’t she seem a little too good? Like teenage Debbie Gibson?) and Jessica- they have the best voices for sure. I like Mikalah, but only when she is acting fun…not forty. Nadia’s style is different, but like the rest- I can do without them.
the few girls that don’t suck are all vanilla. bo-ring. but some of the guys are outstanding. i hate to see bo bice tarnish the late duane allman by trotting out his masterpiece for the teeny-boppers, but at least he’s reminding a few clay aiken fans out there that there is this pretty cool thing that used to be on the radio occasionally called ROCK. i also dig anwar, both for his preference for standards and for his ability to perform them with some originality, rather than just aping the classic recordings karaoke-style, like most of the others. mario is a little femme for my taste, but he’s a dynamic performer. he’s like a post-jackson five, pre-thriller/child abuse/surgical addiction michael jackson. all together, any one of the guys (with the exception of constantine, who is responsible for at least half of the show’s all-too-frequent ‘please-god-make-it-stop’ moments) would have easily dominated the men’s (boys?) field in last year’s competition.
Your recap was right on the money. I am pleased to see that most everyone hates Constantine as much as me. I want to beat my head against the wall every time he is on. Painful performer. He does that double chin/ making love to the camera thing and I am instantly nausous. The blonde kid, Anthony reminds me of the little chick with the glasses that follows Foghorn Leghorn around on Loony Tunes. I get embarrassed for him.
I am so sick of Constantine aka ‘Constantly Sucks’ and the fact that the judges let him get this far. I would also like to say that the overall ignorance of this country really shines through when people like Anthony Federov get voted through and people like Nikko Smith go home. Bo Bice is my hero.
Word, Christiann. They should have booted Mikalah at the end and let Nikko stay. Constantine must go!
Kelly – Is this the chick?
http://members.aol.com/howardsays/foghorn/photos2.htm
bottom picture
Kelly, you’re a genius. I didn’t even have to look at the pic — I knew exactly who (or what) you were talking about. HE DOES LOOK LIKE HIM. Amazing observation.
Alright folks, its official, Anthony Federov is now EggHead Jr. or as some of us like to call him, Shelton. Either way, he sucks. Go Bo!
Gruffydd- that is exactly right. I think that Shelton is the most fitting of the names for him. Was anyone else really shattered by the dramatic build-up that Costantine was being voted off, and then got to stay? That was just cruel to the viewers. Ryan Seacrest is cruel! (and he looks like to WB frog) I expect him to ribbit every time I see those bug eyes…..
Wow. That Looney Tunes reference was amazing.
OMG horrible breaking news! Mario is off the show!
Check out http://www.idolonfox.com/contestants/ and you’ll see that Nikko is back, but Mario has left the show for “personal reasons.” There is no story posted or anything, but I found this-
NIKKO SMITH RETURNS TO THE COMPETITION
AS MARIO VAZQUEZ WITHDRAWS FROM “AMERICAN IDOL”
Smith Competes as Member of Top 12 Tuesday, March 15, on FOX
Recently eliminated semifinalist Nikko Smith has rejoined AMERICAN IDOL as Top 12 contestant Mario Vazquez has withdrawn from the competition for personal reasons. Smith was chosen to return because he received more votes than Travis Tucker during last week’s competition, when the men were reduced from 8 to 6 performers. He joins the competition immediately and will compete as a member of the Top 12.
The competition heats up when the guys (Bo Bice, Anthony Fedorov, Constantine Maroulis, Anwar Robinson, Scott Savol, Nikko Smith) and the girls (Lindsey Cardinale, Mikalah Gordon, Jessica Sierra, Vonzell Solomon, Nadia Turner, Carrie Underwood) compete head-to-head for the first time for the AMERICAN IDOL crown. They will take the stage together, singing for America, on Tuesday, March 15 (8:00-9:00 PM ET/PT). Tune in the following night to see who America has chosen to stay and who is sent home on the live results show Wednesday, March 16 (9:00-9:30 PM ET live/PT tape-delayed) on FOX.
Eight-time Emmy-nominated AMERICAN IDOL is created and executive-produced by Simon Fuller, founder of 19 Entertainment; and executive-produced by Cecile Frot-Coutaz, Chief Operating Officer, Production, FremantleMedia North America, Inc.; Nigel Lythgoe, President, 19 Entertainment; and Ken Warwick, Executive Producer, FremantleMedia North America, Inc.
I have no clue what the source is for that story, I saw it on livejournal, but it is obviously true. I’m so sad, I loved Mario!
I LOVE CONSTATINE!
but bo is awesome
carrie and makaila are my fav girls but its really cool cuz vonzel is from ft meyers and i live soo freaking close~
Constantine sucks you poser! Hi Kelley
the word Constantine is synonomous with ‘painful performer’. Hey Your Mom!
How come everyones talking so much about constantine, yeah he’s conceited, yeah he’s annoying but at least he looks decent and all these girls think he’s hot. BUT OMFG y is anthony federov still on the show??? He’s this dorky looking guy with small eyes, i’ve never seen a white guy with that small of eyes! Everytime he comes on I just want to take his glasses and dangle it in front of his short self and as he’s jumping up to get them, i want to give him a wedgie. everytime i see him on the show, i think the word “dork” Sure he lost his voice, but isn’t that cheating since hes got voice enhancements? Its like an athlete on steroids or something. If he was this dorky guy with low self esteem, and humble, I’d be like “awwww, let the dorky guy win, he lost his voice and he’s so humble.” BUT HES SO CONCEITED. u think constantine’s poses are obnoxious, look at anthony with his ugly smile and his hand to his heart like he’s trying to woo you. i hate when ugly people are conceited.
How come everyones talking so much about constantine, yeah he’s conceited, yeah he’s annoying but at least he looks decent and all these girls think he’s hot. BUT OMG y is anthony federov still on the show??? He’s this dorky looking guy with small eyes, i’ve never seen a white guy with that small of eyes! Everytime he comes on I just want to take his glasses and dangle it in front of his short self and as he’s jumping up to get them, i want to give him a wedgie. everytime i see him on the show, i think the word “dork” Sure he lost his voice, but isn’t that cheating since hes got voice enhancements? Its like an athlete on steroids or something. If he was this dorky guy with low self esteem, and humble, I’d be like “awwww, let the dorky guy win, he lost his voice and he’s so humble.” BUT HES SO CONCEITED. u think constantine’s poses are obnoxious, look at anthony with his ugly smile and his hand to his heart like he’s trying to woo you. i hate when ugly people are conceited.
I just totally adore Mikalah Gordon, honestly!! I know I may get some disagreements, but I just keep wanting to hear more from her and of her.
I am actually wondering if she has a website?
Off to check that out.
Thanks,
L from Manhattan.
L- I take it you didn’t see Mikalah butcher ‘Son of a Preacher Man’ the other night. Maybe she is better suited for ‘Streisand Idol’.
Nikki’s my favorite pick this year, he’s gonna need to WOW the crowd in order to compete for #1 against Carrie and Vonzell though, but his voice is right on!!
I can’t believe none of you like Nadia! I think she’s brilliant on every song. She knows which to pick for her own style. A VERY cool person, by nature. She doesn’t try to be cool, she just is. I’m rooting for her to win, my favorite. Bo is great but it seems like he is already there. Like he is already a famous Rock star or something, like a voice you’ve heard a million times in Popular Rock bands. He is also starting to act and sound the same on every song. In other words he has gotten very predictable, but I still think he will be one of the last ones standing. Carrie is a great singer but isn’t she just a litttle too boring? Nothing to really distinguish herself in any way other than simply a very good singer (no peronality, no style, etc.) I think Jess is great but she too may be too ordinary. Her voice sounds like any other female Pop Rock star, very competent but nothing really original or outstanding. Anwar is great and will also stay in for a while. You never know what’s going to come out of his mouth next. Amazing. I think the weakest singers left are Vonzell (I love her but she was so off key on that Dionne Warwick song last week it was pitiful) and Nico, who is a little too screechy for my ears and also goes off pitch a lot. They should be among the next batch to go. No big surprise Lindsay left last week, she has a dynamite voice but she simply wasn’t producing and had horrible song choices. Same for Scott, he isn’t producing and if he doesn’t step it up he won’t last more than another week or so. I do like his voice though and his pseudo-ghetto attitude. Dare I say Constantine is one of my favorites? I think he’s fun though not the best singer (he did blow me away with his song last week though). I love Mikala. She’s a “diva” through and through. She should start doing dance club music when she gets off the show, has the chops for it and the type of persona which could win over a following in that genre. She has a super feeling for Bluesy Jazz too, which amazed me. But for some reason she isn’t getting the votes, or so it seems from the last couple of weeks. Who did I forget?? OH, Anthony. He does remind me of Clay in the nerdiness department but doesn’t have the same consistency with the songs. Was good on some but terrible on others. I agree he will last a while longer but should go within the next 4 or 5 eliminations. Anybody have a favorite that didn’t get picked? I loved Ross Williams, the guy that sang “Moody’s Mood For Love” at the auditions (he was a jazz type singer) and I loved Rasheeda, who had a great relaxed style and super black-girl type voice. I predict the top 4 will be Bo, Carrie, Nadia and Anwar. Possible chance for Constantine to make it instead of one of those, but not as likely.
Does anyone know what Vonzell sang last night?