If You’re Singing in San Francisco

American Idol

By Guest Columnist | Thursday, January 26, 2006 | 5:27 pm | 47 Comments

idol1-25-06by Dan Renzi

Simon has had it.

I feel for the guy, in a way; he’s dug his own grave, with this whole American Idol thing. There was a time, long ago, when he used to sit in a nice office, perhaps with a lovely view of The Thames River or Big Ben or whatever, and partake in a legitimately creative enterprise: the development of popular musical talent, at which he was quite successful.

Then he became a judge on a reality-TV competition, a show that industry professionals scoffed at when it first hit the airwaves. No one had any idea how pervasive it would become. Or how it would consume his identity and career. What was once a little show on a crappy network has now become Simon’s entire identity in the industry; and his days are now spent working on this modern-day Gong Show, sitting before hordes of idiots who act as stupid as possible to find out what it feels like to be on TV. Yeah, he gets paid millions of dollars for it. But once in a while, it must get really annoying.

The San Francisco auditions were one of those moments.Things started out so well, too. The show opens with the obligatory “San Francisco is pretty” footage: shots of the Golden Gate Bridge, shots of Ryan Seacrest riding the streetcars probably on his way to The Castro, etc. Things seem so optimistic. For our first auditioner, we meet “Happy Heidi” Fairbanks, a lovely blonde woman who sings a fierce Verdi aria. So good. They ask her to sing something more contemporary; she’s alright, pushes too hard. No golden ticket. But she gets praise from the judges, as she’s not a pop-star candidate but she can definitely sing. Such talent! San Francisco will be great!

And then we meet Shawn Vasquez.

idol1-25-06a

Never mind the fact that he dressed like a bar code on a cereal box. He sounds like Kathy Najimy when she was a singing nun in Sister Act High, warbling, screeching, I imagine Shawn’s voice is what you will hear when you encounter the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. You hear that sound, and for some reason, it’s like you know the world is going to come to an end very very soon. You panic. You want to flee. But where? Anywhere but where you are right now, listening to Shawn sing. Run, run away.

Seriously, when Shawn sang, my dog walked across the room and started sniffing the TV speakers.

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“That was the loudest, weirdest…” starts Randy, before he finds himself speechless. “It was just weird.”

“Almost non-human,” says Simon. (See? Simon saw the Four Horsemen too!)

“Oh, it’s not non-human,” corrects Randy, in an effort to spare Shawn’s feelings. Oh, thanks, Randy. How nice of you to stick up for Shawn and claify that.

Welcome to the Downward Spiral of Simon Cowell.

A few singers do get through. Jose “Sway” Morales, whose name is advertised on his belt buckle lest you ever forget it, zig-zags through his audition with the up-and-down runs of a singer who isn’t confident enough to actually hit the notes he’s singing. But his voice is good, so golden ticket goes to Sway. He won’t last long but congrats for now. Then John Williams, recently returned from military duty somewhere out in the desert, performs a song-and-dance routine a la Michael Jackson that would fit in well amongst the street performers in Times Square. But again, decent voice, so he gets through, which irks Simon a little.


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Then Katherine McPhee sings a song I found to be utterly average, but Randy announces her as one of the best voices he’s heard EVER. “You are what this competition is all about,” he tells her. So Katherine gets the golden ticket. Yea. But I don’t see Top Ten status in any of these people. And I’m guessing, neither did Simon.

But Simon seems to still be in good spirits; when Shalicia Carlisle informs the judges she quit her job to come audition for American Idol, Simon says her audition was so bad, he would even call her boss to ask for her job back. And he does. Funny, right? But there’s something in Simon’s eye…he’s just not dealing well with the proliteriat today.

idol1-25-06cEnter Shawna White. You notice her because her dad looks just like Constantine Maroulis. But her first song, “There Are Worse Things I Could Do” from Grease, is blech. They give her another chance; she sings “Falling” by Alicia Keyes, and sounds pretty good. No golden ticket, but Randy thinks she’s alright, based on the second song. Simon says she’s annoying, based on the first. Randy jumps all over for Simon for being rude, and starts to repeatedly asks Simon “What’s up, dawg? What’s up? What’s with you today?” That’s exactly the kind of passive-aggressive questioning that can really piss you off. Randy is in an ornery mood today and he’s taking it out on Simon. Uh oh.

Then self-proclaimed “All-Terrain Entertainer” singer/songwriter/actor/comedian/weirdo Marcus Phillips comes in and starts acting like a nut. Even though he obviously sucks, Randy and Paula waste everyone’s time and play along with him, having fun. Marcus dances as he sings in falsetto, and it’s not pretty. No golden ticket. Simon looks like he’s constipated.

Jayne Santayana sings “Sweet Love” by Anita Baker, which everyone dislikes but Simon especially hates. And he tells her so. Randy announces Simon is “having a tough day.” In itself it isn’t an infomatory remark, except for the fact that he’s still doing the whole “What’s with you today?” routine that is even making me mad. And I’m not even in the room, I’m just sitting on my couch in Texas, far far away, hiding from Shawn Vasquez.

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And then we come to Deborah Dawn Tilley, whose hair looks like the “before” picture of an Alberto VO5 hot oil commercial. She says she is a rocker chick. If by “rocker,” she means “scream instead of sing” chick, then yes, she is a rocker chick. On-stage in a smoky bar in Knoxville, Tennessee, I bet she’d be great. But here? Not so much. And let’s face it–she looks worse than Clay Aiken did before his make-over.

Simon says, “I need to hear you sing with my eyes shut.” Randy gets all malignant on him and starts the “What’s up, dawg?” pokes. They all get into an argument. Simon seems to reflect on the present state of his career: lots of money, lots of success, not much artistic merit. Much like American Idol itself.

So he throws his pen and walks away. “You can do this without me for a while.” Cowell OUT.

Where’s he’s going, no one knows. Yes, he actually takes a car to his hotel, but where is he really going? Because this is it. This is what American Idol has become. These judges nagging him for no reason; these tens of thousands of people screeching their way through their dreams of being an international sensation, and it is up to Simon to tell them all they are worthless.

It’s a lot to deal with. It’s a lot of pressure to put on one guy, all that dream-ruining and nag-listening. You’d snap once in a while, too.

Dan Renzi is a super-cool dude who writes for the TV section of the New York Post. He needs to get out more and stop watching reality shows. Go read is weblog at

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47 Comments

  1. 1
    Ash
    Posted January 26, 2006 at 5:47 pm

    I’m almost positive the girl with the rock star dad made it through, does anyone else remember?

  2. 2
    Victoria
    Posted January 26, 2006 at 6:12 pm

    Ash, yes, the girl with the rocker dad did make it through. I cannot believe they let through that weirdo with the Michael Jacskon dance through (John Williams?), but they did not let Heidi with the beautiful voice through. They let so many other people through with the promise they are going to “work hard” before they actually get to Hollywood, why not her? Also, why only one day in San Franciso and not two?

  3. 3
    Keyser Soze
    Posted January 26, 2006 at 6:19 pm

    Dan… I love you, but “utterly average” for Katherine McPhee? I usually only watch the auditions for the morons, but she was so good actually made me cry.
    Mark my words- top 3 for her, along with Paris Bennett.
    No kidding, my 2 dogs started growling when Shawn Vasquez was singing. “Dressed like a barcode on a cereal box.”- priceless.

  4. 4
    Lizardqueen
    Posted January 26, 2006 at 6:20 pm

    Katherine McPhee=suck
    Shawna White=going to Hollywood
    Dan Renzi=please stop now

  5. 5
    Aries
    Posted January 26, 2006 at 7:18 pm

    I can’t believe the Michael Jackson dancing guy made it through either. But then the bar was set on night one when they let that guy Dave (?) through and he wasn’t even so much singing as he was having a seizure. All the iffy/questionable talent that passes through is a direct result of that I think. I don’t really blame Simon for getting fed up, even though he’s making gazillions off of AI.

    Is Deborah Dawn Tilley really 27? I don’t think so. She doesn’t even look like a hard 27. She looks more like 37 or 47. I thought the judges would end up calling her out on her age like they did a contestant last year, but instead it devolved into a silly argument over “what’s wrong with Simon.” I thought it was kind of a bizarre end to the show, but that won’t keep me from watching again next week.

  6. 6
    RealityTV4Me
    Posted January 26, 2006 at 8:02 pm

    I thought Simon said that Deborah McRockerson looked more like 47. At least in the previews, I think he said it.

    And Dan, “Randy gets all malignant on him.” So did he actually throw a tumor at him or something or did he become indignant? I’m just sayin’. Peace and love.

  7. 7
    The_Svan
    Posted January 26, 2006 at 8:04 pm

    The Svan appreciates Dan Renzi . Brilliant review.

  8. 8
    Zharak
    Posted January 26, 2006 at 10:17 pm

    Ugh, this guy writes terrible columns.

  9. 9
    JerseyGirl
    Posted January 27, 2006 at 12:29 am

    I think Dan’s a great writer. If you go to his blog he has a couple of Project Runway recaps that his “brother” wrote that rival TVgasm’s. To me AI is just a crap show now — crap show = crap recap. Just my two cents.

  10. 10
    BrugaCMH
    Posted January 27, 2006 at 12:34 am

    I agree….Dude, your review sucked more than that guy Shawn’s singing and Paula’s lips on former contestant’s man meat.

    I’d say “Don’t quit your day job!”, but…well, that would involve ACTUALLY having a day job.

    I DO like that you were the guy caught masterbating in a movie theater though. I think that was funny. Can you do a review/post on that?

  11. 11
    jenniferbliss
    Posted January 27, 2006 at 12:38 am

    What are you talking about? This is brilliant!

  12. 12
    sweet j
    Posted January 27, 2006 at 4:15 am

    yes, I agree with BrugaCMH: could Dan please review the movie theatre incident?

  13. 13
    Rvrctylady
    Posted January 27, 2006 at 5:26 am

    Love American Idol, but ca nnot stand the way Paula and Randy act towards Simon Cowell. 99% of the time I agree with what Simon says. He just tells the truth, and if you cannot take the truth in an audition, you should just go home and forget about a singing career.

  14. 14
    hmb1974
    Posted January 27, 2006 at 6:09 am

    You people need to relax. This review is on the same par as all the others. You’re only pissed that it’s Dan from the Real World, if you didn’t know it was him, you’d like it just fine.

  15. 15
    G
    Posted January 27, 2006 at 6:44 am

    I agree hmb1974!

  16. 16
    jenny10girl
    Posted January 27, 2006 at 7:23 am

    I just think he’s trying too hard to be funny. Didn’t laugh once on this one. :o (

  17. 17
    Krizzatch
    Posted January 27, 2006 at 8:19 am

    True dat, hmb1974. Just because it’s Dan from the Real World (he was one of the more colorful characters anyway) doesn’t mean we should all hate on him.
    Remember how he told Flora off? God, that brings back memories. Good times.
    Oh, and wannabe-Constantine’s daughter DID make it through, horrible chicklet teeth and all.

  18. 18
    protegefox
    Posted January 27, 2006 at 8:36 am

    Dan – you know that you’re a smart sexy guy who is a great writer. I appreciate your writing style and your observations. And of course I also appreciate the other things I know about you, including your comment about going against Mike in the inferno.

    “If the Inferno is breaking blocks against your head, I may not have a chance. But if its naming Madonna tunes, I would so win!”

    Classic. I appreciate TVGasm letting you write here. It also reminded me of your blog, which I had forgotten about. I need to get over there and catch up. I love you!

  19. 19
    Bauer's Sweetheart
    Posted January 27, 2006 at 9:28 am

    I have no idea who Dan is, so I have no pre-formed opinion about him. His recaps are ok (I did laugh at the thought of Ryan heading to the Castro) but not as good as J-Unit or B-Side. After all, they are the ones who got me addicted to TVgasm in the first place!

  20. 20
    jenniferbliss
    Posted January 27, 2006 at 9:37 am

    He’s so funny on his own! I thought he wrote a nice, thoughtful essay about what he thinks about the show, he wasn’t only trying to tell silly jokes. I appreciated his point of view.

  21. 21
    sweetblondie
    Posted January 27, 2006 at 9:59 am

    i don’t know Dan from Adam, i have never watched Real World/Road Rules, but i did not laugh once during this post. sorry, dan. better luck next time.

  22. 22
    tvaholic
    Posted January 27, 2006 at 11:16 am

    Dan’s post isn’t bad, it just doesn’t cover enough-although this was one of the worst AI’s ever. Delta Dawn-no way is she 27! Dressing like a 20 year old & teasing your hair only accentuates your age, it doesn’t disguise it.
    It wouldn’t be AI if Simon didn’t have at least one meltdown-I agree, if someone was asking me every 2 minutes “What’s up dawg?” I’d walk out too.
    I don’t think anyone from SF will make it. Poor, deluded, opera girl. She probably thought she’d bring some class to the show & they’d all be so bowled over they’d let her through. Then again, who really likes opera anyway?

  23. 23
    elagain
    Posted January 27, 2006 at 12:00 pm

    Hey Dan, entertaining re-cap. Thanks, keep up the good work.

  24. 24
    brilliantmistake
    Posted January 27, 2006 at 12:15 pm

    I like Dan’s recaps too. Of course, if he can survive the psychopaths that populate reality TV, he can probably survive a few snide comments from posters.

  25. 25
    derder
    Posted January 27, 2006 at 12:19 pm

    If Deborah Dawn Tilley is 27 then I am 16… No way, man. Don’t they have to show ID when they audition?
    I, too, find it annoying that they are sending obvious nut jobs to Hollywood to prove a point to each other. It was obvious from the first episode when Paula let that barefoot “David Hoover” guy in. I think he was homeless and crazy. Because of this- some who are actually talented are being turned away. Stupid idiots.
    And Dan, I am glad you are re-capping. I loved you on the RW and the challenges. But rather than do re-caps, just start a column at the gasm dishing dirt on the Real World/ Road Rulers (especially the evil threesome). Now THAT would be entertaining!

  26. 26
    jash
    Posted January 27, 2006 at 12:37 pm

    this re-cap was really quite amusing. THANKS DAN.

    and if i think its amusing, well thats all that really matters, no?

    no??

    oh.

  27. 27
    BigMax
    Posted January 27, 2006 at 12:51 pm

    Are we not entertained?

  28. 28
    derder
    Posted January 27, 2006 at 1:05 pm

    ooops- didn’t mean it like that- sorry.

  29. 29
    trppin31
    Posted January 27, 2006 at 1:36 pm

    Not funny. “I am not entertained”.

  30. 30
    B-Side
    Posted January 27, 2006 at 1:50 pm

    Tough crowd!

  31. 31
    derder
    Posted January 27, 2006 at 1:53 pm

    Yeah, no doubt- ease up, guys…

  32. 32
    chronic
    Posted January 27, 2006 at 2:11 pm

    Not to split hairs, but didn’t Simon walk out after the asian woman who sang. She was pretty good, not outstanding, but was confident and looked half decent. I would’ve said yes, obviously not everyone going to Hollywood needs to be top 10 material since the herd gets thinned out by 2/3 (?) anyway, and some middle-of-the-packers do manage to capitalize on the opportunity. I think by that point, Simon was just going to say no to anyone. Not that it makes much difference, but it didn’t quite go down as described in the recap.

    As for Dan, I have no idea who he is. Recap was not bad, not great; But it’s fair to say the thing I enjoy most about TVgasm recaps are the inspired (imho) references, clever wordplay, and maximum snark. Could do a bit better in all three; but everyone has their own style I s’pose.

  33. 33
    chronic
    Posted January 27, 2006 at 2:16 pm

    Oh yeah, screencap captions are always welcome. Sometimes a good screencap will have me positively in stitches.

    Feel free to use screencaps of Toral. Doesn’t matter she’s not on AI. She should be.

  34. 34
    PattiJo
    Posted January 27, 2006 at 3:23 pm

    I think Dan should quit writing the re-caps and let b-side do it. B-side is way funnier.
    I have nothing against Dan, I just don’t think his recaps are that funny.

  35. 35
    Victoria
    Posted January 27, 2006 at 5:45 pm

    B-side, the only reason the crowd is so tough is because you set the bar so high. I also have never heard of this Dan guy before, and he is just okay, no where near as funny as B-side.

  36. 36
    Bobbyissocool
    Posted January 27, 2006 at 7:53 pm

    This was better than just funny! It was interesting. His last “American Idol” post WAS really funny, but this time he had something to say more than just crack jokes. And there were funny parts just because he’s a funny guy. I hope he keeps doing the recaps. I don’t care that he was on some stupid reality show anyway.

  37. 37
    r_masa
    Posted January 28, 2006 at 5:06 am

    yeah, I like this show, I live in Japan. I saw the part of it from msn. Soon I can see this from satelite channel.
    Recently, I’m interested in podcasting. Good luck & see ya.

  38. 38
    TinkerbellAPixie
    Posted January 28, 2006 at 7:51 am

    I find I’m torn on this whole guest recappin issue. I understand that we keep demanding that tvgasm recap more and more shows, and that B-Side, J-Unit, EdHill, sg-dub and copygodd only have so much time to do that – so of course they need a little help. I think Dan did an ok job- I enjoyed his recaps. But I confess, and am embarassed to confess, that when i saw who wrote them – I did take a step or two back. Whenever you guys get in all cozy with the very people you snark – it makes me nervous. I know I’ve been vocal on this in the past. But when you become too buddy buddy with them… you stop seeing them as “them” and then what happens to the snark?

    For the love of snark – tread lightly on this inbreeding with the reality tv personalities.

  39. 39
    SaveFerris
    Posted January 28, 2006 at 9:52 am

    Come back, B-side (please!).

  40. 40
    lurkertype
    Posted January 28, 2006 at 4:41 pm

    What Tinkerbell said. I thought TVGasm was here to mock reality show participants, not hire them.

    Also, this guy is not up to the Gasm high standards of funny and clever, although he seems pleasant enough.

  41. 41
    CTVampSlayer
    Posted January 28, 2006 at 6:46 pm

    Hilarious review for a hilarious episode. The 50 year old “rocker chick” had me in stitches, and Sharlisia’s “Sounds of the Ghetto” had me cracking up. Loved the “Hot Oil” comment. What WAS up with her hair, anyway?

  42. 42
    TinkerbellAPixie
    Posted January 28, 2006 at 8:26 pm

    Ok this is my last comment on the guest commentator issue and then I’ll be quiet (at least on this particular recap page). Part of what makes TVGasm so great is the interaction between the writers and the loyal fans (that’s people like me). B-side, J-Unit, et al – respond in the comments sections. They not only write for us they read us too.

    Is our guest columnist reading TVGasm (and that includes us lowly comment people) or does he just phone it in?

  43. 43
    subgenre
    Posted January 29, 2006 at 8:48 am

    TVGASM JUMPS THE SHARK!

    I think the recap is okay but I agree with other commenters that the snark gets compromised when we muddy the mix.

    No offense to Dan. But maybe he should post on Fishbowl.com and leave TVGasm to us Hollywood outsiders.

  44. 44
    Keyser Soze
    Posted January 29, 2006 at 12:03 pm

    RhonettaJohnson.com our American Idol

  45. 45
    sweet j
    Posted January 30, 2006 at 7:24 am

    Oh snap, no you didn’t subgenre! You are so right. TVgasm jumped the shark!

    Shout out to TinkerbellAPixie. made me nervous too to see in-breeding. Compromises the snark. Unless guest is willing to send up self and turn harsh spotlight on insidery information which I don’t see happening…

  46. 46
    Idolblogger
    Posted January 31, 2006 at 11:11 am

    That Katherine McPhee has to be one of the best I’ve seen this season but she’s not listed in the spoilers so I hope they’re not right.

  47. 47
    paulabear
    Posted February 3, 2006 at 7:33 pm

    Hey,young Shawna White did indeed get a yellow ticket to go on to Hollywood. Too bad she only got four bars of the Alicia Keyes song. She’s good. Way to go Shawna.

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