American Idol:Jacksonville:Home of the Dawg

***Please welcome Cherie with Tuesday’s American Idol!

Tonight we are in Jacksonville Florida. Home of the Dawg y’all! I’m sure we will see lots of pictures of Randy and his fans. Not to mention the horror that is every audition. Let’s get to it!
As we begin we see Simon and Ryan in the back of a limo chit chatting. Ryan tells us we are in Jacksonville, Florida. Amelia Island to be exact. Simon cuts him off and tells him to speak in a normal tone. Ryan tells him he always speaks like this and back and forth they go. Finally Ryan says it like Simon and Simon cracks up.

Oh just bang him already!

The music of Journey is being played as Ryan voice overs that 25 years ago a man made a name for himself on stages all over the country. And is name is..Randy Jackson!

Hahahahahahaha!

Oh man, that is messed up. Ryan tells us that many would love to follow in his footsteps and they have come to Jacksonville with that very goal in mind. We are treated to scenes of all kinds of nuts fans screaming Randy’s name. And one sticks out. My cousin Roscoe.

Yep. I’m inbred.

Ryan tells us this is Dawg town and we see more screaming nuts fans. But he says not everyone was thrilled with the excitement over Randy. Cut to Simon saying of all the people he knows he would never think Randy would change over the years but here it is season 8 and they have a police escort to go to an audition.

Don’t stop. Believing!

Let’s get to the auditions. First up is Joshua Ulloa and he tells us he gets compared to Justin Guarini a lot.

I don’t see it.

He tells us he enjoys being compared to Justin because it’ll help people remember you. My Uncle Adolph begs to differ. Anyhoo, he starts doing some chicken having a seizure dance moves and then bursts into the audition room. Randy is already yelling “Oh yeah!”

Observe my awesomeness.

Simon looks like he smells feet.

God save the Queen and all that.

He tells them he will be singing Marvin Gaye’s Let’s Get It On. Then he plays a pretend mouth instrument and lets loose. Its not as bad as I expected but it gets really weird really quick.

Randy’s laughing, DioBitchi is snarling, Paula’s floating and Simon still smells feet. Then he begins to smile. Simon says in parts it was very good, then gimicky and corny and he calls him Inspector Gadget. Randy likes him because he’s entertaining. He gets 4 yes’s and he’s going to Hollywood!

Up next is is Sharon Wilbur and she has a cute little dog with her. Run little dog RUN! Sharon tells us she brought Sasha with her because she relaxes her. She comes in and DioBitchi decides the dog should sit in Simon’s lap. But not before looking at it like its a rat.

Nasty rat.

I think he caught one of Paula’s fleas!

DioBitchi growls “Why are you here?” and Dog girl says to be the next American Idol! Yeah yeah. She will be singing Superstar by Karen Carpenter. And off she goes. And its not bad until she gets to the “baby” part and says “Bay-bayyyyy”.

DioBitchi calls her on her hideous Britney “Baybayyyyy” . Paula says the dog was yawning but Simon likes her and says yes. Randy says yes too and then says its up to the girls. Paula sees DioBitchi put something in her mouth and thinking it’s a vicodin, lunges at her and tries to dig it out of her throat.

Cough it up bitch!

Finally DioBitchi says “Paula said yes” and waves her hands in the air like she’s truly sickened by the thought. She’s going to Hollywood yay!

Back from commercial Ryan is riding around in a golf cart thingy. For whatever reason. He ends up on a dirt road and seems to be lost. If I was Ryan I’d get the hell outta those woods before my cousin Roscoe finds out he’s there.

Hey boy, ya sure do have a purty mouth.

Next up is Dana Moreno. You know those people that you just take one look at and know they will have the voice of an angel? Well she ain’t on of them.

After the horrifying sound of lambs being slaughtered ends, Simon tells her that she can’t sing those big songs. She replies that she will take any direction that they have to offer. Simon offers her the direction to the nearest exit.

The human death rattle is more melodious than you.

Up next is the cutest, happiest little girl. Her name is Kaneswa Finnie. She has the best smile. Please Lord let her be able to sing!

Crap. Turns out God was too busy reading my Bad Girls recap to hear my prayer. This poor child is AWFUL. She’s making a noise I will try to describe. Bomm bomm muay yummm. And Paula is laughing. Simon’s biting his lip. Randy is acting like he likes what he hears cause he’s a big ass liar! DioBitchi is just a bitch.

Pretty colors…pretty pretty colors…..

Simon tells the poor thing that it just got progressively worse as it went and her voice is terrible. He asks her if she’s surprised and she says “From you, no.” LOL I love this kid! Poor deluded thing. They bring Mom in to try and tell her to stop filling the child’s head with lies but Mom stands her ground. Her baby can sing! And poor Kaneswa looks sad and scared. Like her Mom’s gonna beat her with coat hangers when they get home.

Help me.

Next up is this strange girl. Wearing a tiara. Turns out she’s Miss Florida Latina USA. Julissa Veloz. She rolls her “r”s at Randy and I think he’s a little turned on. And then she laughs like Stuarts Mom.

She’s singing Whitney. And once again I am surprised that she’s not bad. So is Simon but he too is having trouble with her laugh. DioBitchi says she has a voice but acts retarded. Randy say’s “Lets vote” and Paula wakes up and is pissed. She mumbles “I guess my opinion doesn’t count for anything..” and she gets up and leaves the room.

Where is God? I shall go look for him.

Julissa follows Paula out of the room and we hear Paula saying “I can’t do it anymore” and Julissa saying “Yes you can. You’ve been doing it for 8 seasons” and Paula’s all wah wah wah and then one of the produces hits her with a tranquilizer dart and she’s all happy again and returns to the table. Julissa gets yes’s all around.

Back from the 900th commercial we see a new dude. Wait I know him. It’s Carlton from Fresh Prince! Oh maybe not. Anyway he’s “dancing” around and happy as can be and then Ryan tells us that Darin’s spirit is shattered when his friend gets cut. Well his friend shouldn’t have been making out with his Mom in the waiting room.

Dude that’s not cool. Even in the south.

Darin says goodbye to his friend and tells Ryan its going to effect his audition, big.
And then he shuffles into the room like he’s going for a prostate exam. He tries to tell them he’s sad but no one cares and then he says he’s going to sing Its So Hard To Say Goodbye. And then he falls apart. And I know it’s wrong, but I’m kinda laughing. A little.

They ask him if he needs a second and he says “No I gotta sing it”. And then he still doesn’t sing. He just sighs and rubs his face and shuffles. Simon is understandably worried for the poor lil’ fella.

Oh bloody hell!

And then it begins. A frightening mixture of what sounds like someone giving birth, to a donkey, and then that donkey trying to sing. And then the priceless faces of the judges.

Finally Simon stops him. He tells him the voice just isn’t there. Paula asks him why he’s upset and he starts to blather on about his problems and DioBitchi stops him and tells him to grow a pair and get the hell outta her face.

Pick up whats left of your manhood you sniveling titty baby.

As the day begins to wind down we see lots of people who didn’t make it and most are saying blah blah I AM the American Idol! I am I am! Uh no you’re not. Now go away.

And the last contestant of day one arrives. She’s jumping up and down and making noises she’s so excited. Paula has to be told to turn around and stop talking to her imaginary friend Pilly.

Oh Pilly you are so funny!

She tells Randy that her friend is his biggest fan and she’s there and she wants to meet him. Simon is all offended and says “Randy?” Haha. Simon says “Lets bring the deluded friend in.” Randy suggests they get this in slow motion. And here it is.

A singer in a smoke filled room..

..the smell of wine and cheap perfume..

..for a smile they can share the night…

It goes on and on and on and on..

Simon suggests that she sit on Randy’s lap, then Paula somehow ends up on Simon’s lap. That leaves DioBitchi empty lapped. She bellows to Ryan to come hither. He poops himself and starts for the door.

I have to go perform hemmoroid surgery, on myself..

Sit down and shut up girlyman.

Meanwhile this poor girl is still standing there waiting to sing. She’s going to sing Loving You. BRB I gotta get ear plugs. Ok all set. Here she goes.

SO FAR SO GOOD. OH WAIT. I forgot to take my earplugs out. Holy shit what is that sound?

Make it stop or I’ll snap his pretty little neck!

Oh my heavens. She hit that high note and my dog threw himself on the cat and begged her to slit his throat.

I just used her to get a ride here.

Ryan ran out of the room to cry. Paula’s laughing and the note murderer is saying everyone always tells her she’s great. Simon thinks this has all been a joke and the poor girl bursts into tears. Oops. Simon starts to feel bad for her but then remembers he’s Simon and says screw it. The others get up and hug her. Except for her friend who is licking the chair Randy was sitting in.

There there, the world needs ditch diggers too.

At the end of the day only 9 were chosen to go to Hollywood. Ryan asks Simon what his impression of Jacksonville is. And in a quiet, defeated little voice he says “They weren’t very good.”

I may throw myself off a bloody bridge.

On to day two! Ryan tries to ask Paula what she thought of yesterdays auditions.

Mr. Hand says you’re gay.

First order of the day is to get DioBitchi into hair and make up.

Paula’s a whore!

Once they got that taken care of, we are treated to someone who actually looks like an American Idol. Her name is Jasmine. She has a lot of family with her and I would say that means she must be able to sing otherwise they wouldn’t spend so much time on her but after spending so much time on the note murderer I am skeptical. Wow that was a long sentence. Can you tell I just had an energy drink? Anyhoodle, she’s singing Big Girls Don’t Cry by Fergie.

Simon says she’s cute, commercial and a very good singer. Paula loves her. So does Randy and DioBitchi. She’s going to Hollywood!

Next we see a yeti. And he’s mumbling something about math or physic’s or some such crap. I’m a girl. I have a calculator. The rest would have taken up much needed space in my brain. I have no idea what he’s talking about.

Mumble mumble geek speak mumble.

Ryan tries to have a conversation with him and then sends him in. But before he goes in we see a little montage of his dance moves and he tells us “I am…George Ramirez.” In a very weird yet creepily familiar voice.

Simon asks him “Where do you see yourself in 11 years time?” George says “Well it depends on how things go. There are so many different waaa-ays.” Simon continues MY torture and says “In your wildest dreams?” To which George goes “Oooh”. causing Paula to giggle. Finally George’s WILDEST DREAM is “To have a simple house, with nice floors. I want marble.” Okie dokie nutbag.

Huh?

He asks if he can start and then start he does. “I used to think maybe you loved me and I know that it’s true…” and he does this little head jiggle thing. And it hits me! He sings like Nicolas Cage TALKS! And it’s very low and just goose bump inducing strange.

Dart me! Dart me NOW!

Other peoples humiliation. Loves it!

For Christsake just throw the pills in!

They let this go on way too long and Simon asks him if he’s ever done this before. Auditioned or sang in public? He says with friends yes in public no. Simon says “What do your friends do.” and the tard actually starts listing their hobbies. Randy tells him that was the quietest audition ever. They tell him its not for him and he goes to awkwardly stand by Ryan. Again.

Next up is Ann Marie. She looks pretty in a non slutty natural kinda way. And then she tells DioBitchi that she is her biggest fan. Shocking the hell out of her. She then sings part of a song that she heard DioBitchi sing in Nashville some time ago. She’s not bad. DioBitchi is impressed that she even knew the song.

She amuses me. I shall keep her as a pet.

Simon tells her he likes her but there is something missing. He doesn’t know what. Randy does. He says that she has a “natural” talent and she needs to embrace her inner star. Oh they want her to slut it up a bit! Simon tells her to go out and come back as a different person.

Un-slutted.

She goes outside and consults her Mom and strangers and a make up case. While she was away T.K. Hash auditioned. He had auditioned last year and obviously didn’t make it. Paula remembers him. (No she doesn’t) Simon does not. He will be singing John Lennon’s Imagine.

I think he sounds great. Paula says he has a very big voice and he can definately sing. Randy thinks he’s better than last year but he doesn’t like that he changed the melody. Oh stop being a song snob, the man can sing! They think he was influenced by David Archuletta and he agrees. Nevermind. That little fetus got on my nerves last year, but back to T.K. Simon votes no, Paula yes, Randy yes, and you could tell DioBitchi wanted to say no but since Simon did she had to say the opposite and T.K. is going to Hollywood!

Back from break we see more hopeless hopefuls in the waiting area. One girl is yodeling. Kill me now. And then we see a Mom talking about her perfect kid. He’s a delight. A joy in every way and more talented than any other singer ever born.

The Golden Child

His name is Michael. And he loves his guitar. Never goes anywhere without it. Except for this audition because they aren’t allowed to have them. He is not pleased. He panics and cries.

He tells us he knows he has what it takes to be the next American Idol as long as he doesn’t freak out. Then he freaks out. Finally he gathers himself and tells them he will be singing Third Eye Blind’s Jumper. Maybe it’s just me, but this dude sux. And he makes creepy faces when he sings.

Simon tells him that he is interesting but his voice isn’t. DioBitchi thinks he’d do better with his guitar. He takes that as a cue to whine like a brat. Simon cuts him off and asks Randy what he thinks. Cut to outside where Ryan is chatting up the family. Then back inside where Michael is still making excuses and all the while you hear a heartbeat. Simon again tells him to stop pleading, and to get a job and put a band together. Micheal having no clue when to shut it says “I just figured if you guys got me when I was young..” causing Simon’s head to throb and he tells him he’s getting on his nerves. Sheesh that kid was on my nerves 2 paragraphs ago. It’s a no.

Wah wah!

Outside he goes and his Mom is right there to pick up the pieces and kiss him and make it all better. And this whiny little turd snatches away from his Mom and tells her not to touch him.

Coming soon to a McDonald’s near you.

Ryan tells the little bastard that he can’t be treating his Mom that way and then we see more of Michael wah wah wahing while his Mom is still standing beside him. My foot would be so far up that little snots ass he wouldn’t be able to breathe.

That concludes the Cherie is having a hissy fit part of the recap.

Ann Marie is back! And she is all tarted up!

Slutted!

I think she’s beautiful slutted or un-slutted and so do the judges. She tells the judges that she found a make up artist walking around outside and snagged her. DioBitchi is impressed. Randy notices she changed shoes too.

Hey Simon!

And I think we just learned something new about Simon because he was looking at that girls feet like this..

Someone has a foot fetish.

She says she has two songs to sing and lets the judges choose which one she will sing. Simon chooses Bubbly. The first line of the song is “It starts in my toes…”

And Simon immediately starts smiling.

You had me at toes.

She’s good. I like her. Randy loves her voice but thinks she needs to work on her star persona. Paula loves her. Even DioBitchi says “We can give her another chance.” And we all know Simon loves her. She’s going to Hollywood!

That’s it for Jacksonvile. A total of 16 people were chosen. We’re shown the montage of those who got through to the song Walking on Sunshine. Mixed in are people who can sing and some, most who can’t. No one catches my eye until this guy.

I have no idea why. He just makes me happy. So that’s it for me guys. I hope you enjoyed my version of events. If not, blame flipit. He’s the one who got drunk and asked if I would do this. Night lovies!