Minicap: American Idol

The kids are singing songs from their birth year. Now I get to find out who’s jailbait and who’s within an inch of making me a cougar.

Phillip Phillips: Not jailbait and probably the only one that doesn’t make a cougar. But boy does he make the lady bits tickle with his rendition of Hard to Handle.

Jessica Sanchez: Definitely jailbait, definitely would make me a cougar and gay. Sang Turn the Beat Around and the judges put on their criticism hats. They don’t like Gloria Estefan so much.

Heejun Han: Free and clear. No legal ramifications with this one. He sings Right Here Waiting. He can just keep on waiting because it was nothing to get off the couch for. I miss Richard Marx.

Elise Testone: Definitely way clear. How did American Idol let someone so old on the show? She sings Let’s Stay Together and gives me goosebumps. I get it now Idol.

DeAndre Brakensick: Not allowed for me and I can’t say I would feel comfortable being with someone who has more majestic hair than I do. He sang Endless Love and the judges weren’t down with it. He definitely should have been singing a Milli Vanilli or Prince song.

Shannon Magrane: Also off limits in every way possible. She sang One Sweet Day and all the judges were terrified for her, but they like her because she’s blonde.

Colton Dixon: He’s no Phillip Phillips but he’s in the safe zone as far as jail time goes. He sings Broken Heart and I’m confused, was there no Paramore song he could chose from 1991?

Erika Van Pelt: Also way clear, no worries here. She sings Heaven and the judges want her to stick to the “arrangement” and NOT do her own thang.

Skylar Laine: Nope. Can’t touch. She sings Love Sneaking Up On You. Boy does she love her Bonnie Rait! But she can because she owns it!

Joshua Ledet: He’s touchable in a legal way and won’t make me particularly cougar-y. He sings When a Man Loves a Woman and this woman loves the way he dominated this song.

Hollie Cavanaugh: She’s the exact same level of touchable as Joshua, but I can’t compete with that skin. Not even one pimple. Amazing. She sings Power of Love and blows everybody away with her ability to stay with the spinning camera.

For more details, stay tuned for the full recap.