Only a Pussy Would Take His Own Life

This week’s episode of 24 was just another reminder to all of us why we love the show. The show is filled with suspense, whether Jack is trying to weave his way out of another tricky situation involving perimeters or just a bunch of the suits back at CTU who don’t really do that much, but sometimes appear to be doing more harm than good. Last week Jack got on the diplomatic charter flight and got the tape that will implicate President Pussy for all of the shit that has happened in the past twenty hours or so. All he needs to do now is get the tape back to CTU, which of course is easier said than done. Jack has flown several times during his time at CTU, and he hasn’t had much luck landing.Did anybody else notice at the beginning of this episode that there were a lot of clips from the previous week? I’m not entirely sure what it means, but they seemed to be putting a lot of focus on Vladimir Bierko, which is strange considering he’s already captured. It’s almost as if they want to remind people who haven’t seen every episode why he was such a bad guy, just in case something happened to him later and we need to be well-informed. Then again, that was probably just a coincidence.

Jack is still on the plane and after throwing out some talk about tangos (no mention of Victor’s vector, Clarence’s clearing, or Roger’s reading); he puts a call into Karen. Everybody always talks about how Jack always seems to get amazing cell reception, but I think what is more amazing is whatever is powering that thing. You could strap a car battery onto the back of most phones and they wouldn’t have as much talk time as Jack’s. His phone is probably just scared to go below two bars for fear of pissing him off, or perhaps the reason he always has that messenger bag is to keep a dozen spare batteries nearby.

After giving Karen an update on his progress and letting her know that they’ll be back at the Van Nuys airfield in approximately 21 minutes, Karen tells him that she will send a tactical team to meet him. The president is sure to have people looking for Jack, so he needs a corridor out of the place. By this time, Karen has sort of reinstated Bill, and although I am sure he was happy to be back working, you know he was kind of disappointed that he had to leave his bachelor pad. He was probably looking forward to kicking back with a few beers catching the late night X-Files reruns on FX.

More importantly, Jack learns that Audrey is recovering in the CTU infirmary and she’ll be “just fine”. Considering the only person to make it out of the CTU infirmary no worse than he started was Christopher Henderson, I don’t know how I would consider anybody forced to spend time in that place safe. Immediately, I thought that perhaps something would happen with Audrey and Bierko since he was still recovering, and then I got really worried because Curtis came in the room, but I was relieved to hear that Curtis was only there to give Audrey some better news. Secretary Heller was alive! But how could that be?

Well, if you had listened to Christopher Henderson, he explained that there was a pocket of air in the car that could have given him enough time to live. Apparently CTU found him and took him to a hospital. The only question left is why is Curtis giving her this information? I know he hasn’t been very busy, but don’t they have an intern or temp to do any of this, or were they all killed? I didn’t dwell on it too much because Curtis was sent to Van Nuys Airport to pick up Jack.

Word has reached the President that Jack has received the recording that will implicate him and suddenly the POTUS (that would be Pussy of the United States) realizes that it is time for some drastic measures. He has found out what a lot of criminals have discovered; Jack is one tough man to stop. Luckily, Graham, the leader of the Blue Man, errr, Bluetooth group has given Logan a perfect way out. They are going to simulate a VCI distress signal. Don’t know what a VCI distress signal is? Luckily for you, neither did the President, which gave the writers a chance to explain it all to us nice and slow. The VCI distress signal means that there is a hijack in progress and the terrorists plan to use the plane as a weapon. The protocol says you shoot it down.

I guess we are supposed to believe that the President is going to have to go through some huge moral dilemma to make this decision, but he already was willing to sacrifice a whole mall when people still thought he was trying to stop terrorists instead of aiding them, so why would anybody think that one plane was going to stop him when his whole career is on the line? Still, I guess it’s a good thing the President has no problems lying because you have admit it would look odd if Mike Novick came in and told him about the VCI and Logan was like “Let me think about this….OK, why not?” without properly agonizing over the implications of such an action.

Did anybody ever tell you that you look like Sugar Ray Leonard?

Not surprisingly Mike does walk in and tells President Pussy about the VCI. Logan acts like he’s never heard of the VCI and immediately calls up Admiral Kirkland, who is apparently hiding from the terrorists by hanging out in a submarine. The funny thing is that Logan didn’t really have to make a case for shooting down the plane because Kirkland seemed to have a hard on about shooting it down. What’s more, he said that they couldn’t wait because the plane would soon be over populated space. If the president hesitated, it would mean a lot more casualties on the grown. The F18s are scrambled and waiting. With that being said, President Logan gives the go ahead.

The thing with the VCI distress signal is that once the FAA knows about it, all the government agencies know about. I hear the FAA sleeps around too, BTW. Karen knows the protocols for the VCI and immediately warns Jack about what is going on. Things have been changing at CTU. While she was once so very gung ho to take over CTU, Karen brought back Bill and is trying to get a hold of Chloe. All of this really starts to piss of Miles. He was loyal to Karen for so long and he deserves an explanation. I haven’t seen Miles get so upset since he learned that Pier 1 next to his apartment was getting shut down. Karen promises that she will explain things when she gets a chance, but I am afraid this fag/hag relationship is way too broken to be fixed now.

When Jack learns that his plane might be shot down, he tells the pilot that they are going to have to land sooner than planned. Uh, sooner than planned? Ten minutes ago, the pilot said they would touch down in 21 minutes. Buchanan said the F18 would be there in eight to ten minutes, why not just land at the Van Nuys airport? Well, apparently, they are 100 miles from the nearest airport, which makes no sense. Unless they were flying over the ocean, there would have been an airport nearby, including Oxnard and Camarillo, or something.

Right around this time, Chloe has decided to join in on the party and right away she is given the task of tracking the F18s so Jack knows exactly how long he has until he is blown up into little pieces. It’s a great idea, but oh, does it ever throw Miles into a little hissy fit. He and his new sidekick (he has traded up from the crazy redhead to the mellow blonde) are wondering what exactly is going on. Oh, I’ll tell you what’s going on Miles. Bill Buchanan is looking for a 5000-foot piece of highway to land the plane. That’s right. There’s a curfew and it’s late at night, so you don’t have to worry about cars. The pilot doesn’t really think it’s worth the risk, but if you are going to die, why not at least give yourself a passing chance by exploding the plane closer to the ground?

Like playing Microsoft Flight Simulator….in 1992

Bill tells Jack that there is a 4000 foot stretch of road on the 118 (that would be the Ronald Reagan freeway) that should be OK, well, other than finding out that your plane just crashed and the only thing to comfort you is downtown Chatsworth. Jack gets the coordinates (no, I didn’t check if they were real), and the pilot starts his descent. Jack wants to get the plane down, but he does care about your feelings, so he does tell the flight attendant to prepare the cabin for a crash landing. Awww, Jack cares about everybody, even if he has hijacked them and they could die at any moment. Surprisingly, almost nobody in the plane even complained. These diplomatic types are so well behaved. Seems like every flight I’m on, somebody is complaining that they didn’t get the kosher meal or they need a new magazine because somebody already finished the crossword.

Everything is going smoothly, but Bravo 1 has made its way to Jack’s plane a little sooner than expected. By the way, shouldn’t they have sent two planes out there to shoot down Jack? Hasn’t the President learned anything? I know that a sidewinder missile is a little more formidable than Henderson, but Jack still has that messenger bag and his hoodie, so he’s going to be tough to take down. Unfortunately, Jack’s Hoodie can’t protect all of the passengers, so he tells the pilot that they need to land right away.

The plan to land the plane on the freeway seems to work. President Pussy is screaming at the F18 to shoot the plane down, but once the plane started on a landing vector, the protocols change. They really only had the authority to shoot the plane down when it was a threat to national security, but if the plane is trying to land and it’s not going to run into a building, there is no reason to shoot it down. I know what you are saying, how do you know the plane isn’t going to crash into an important building? Well, I only have to say that you have probably never been to Chatsworth. There’s nothing out there that people would miss. OK, I guess a lot of people would be upset if they destroyed one of the many porn studios, but seriously, would you know the difference if Molly’s Goodtime Gangbang filmed in Northridge instead?

Logan is really upset that he can’t take down Jack, but it shouldn’t be a big deal because he has sent two marine battalions into the area and the marines know how to set up a perimeter! They’re so good at it, they don’t even say they are setting up a hard perimeter; they call it cordoning off the surrounding area. Oooooh, I’m going to like seeing Jack get out of this one. Jack and Curtis and some random guy driving vs. perhaps 1000 marines? Man, those jarheads won’t know what hit them.

All of that assumes that Jack is going to be able to land the plane, and that isn’t necessarily a sure thing, is it? I don’t know about you, but this whole time, I was expecting the pilot to pass out or shit himself or something and force Jack to have to land the plane, but the pilot did a pretty good job of keeping his composure. He only looked like he shat himself. Although he was worried that there wouldn’t be enough time to pull up after they had been going down quicker than Miles on a night out in the Tenderloin. They land, and while it looked like they might run into the Balboa overpass, the plane stops before there is too much damage. The passengers all hurry to exit from the back of the plane, but Jack is sneaky and takes one of the emergency exits next to the bulkhead, slides off of the plane and awaits for Curtis to come pick him up.

If you are at all like me, you were probably wondering if the Marines would be able to form the first functioning perimeter in the history of 24. Well folks, our streak is alive! Jack sneaks into the back of Curtis’ truck and although they are stopped by the marines, Curtis manages to talk his way out of it by saying that he is also looking for Jack Bauer. If these guys are both on the same side, why can’t he just let them pass? The marine is a little suspicious and wants to either call it in or search the truck, but Curtis has those puppy dog eyes that just seem to say, “Do this bitch, or I will hurt you.” and random marine commander lets them through. Apparently it is more difficult to smuggle a bottle of liquor in from Mexico than it is to sneak around with the most wanted man alive.

After that little run-in, Curtis calls Buchanan and says that they are coming back with Jack, but they are going to stick to the back streets. Ha! Curtis has more faith in perimeters than the viewers of this show, I’ll tell you that much. Wow, it looks like things are finally going to be wrapping up. Audrey’s OK, Secretary Heller is OK, Jack hasn’t been blown up, Chloe and Bill are back. Who can ask for anything more? I’ll tell you who.

Miles.

Miles is so hurt that the calls Karen on the phone from his station twenty feet away to tell her that he needs to talk. Karen takes Miles to one of those secret CTU dungeon hallways, and I am expecting Karen to either kick his ass and put him in a holding cell or the other way around. All right, I’ll be honest, I never really believed that Miles’ candy ass could hurt Karen, but it doesn’t matter because none of that happened. Karen basically laid her strategy out to Miles, and said she couldn’t tell him because she knew that Miles would try and talk her out of it, much like he tried to talk her out of wearing that strapless gown to the DHS Christmas party. She wouldn’t listen then, and she didn’t listen now. Karen says that all of the evidence they have is on that recording. Miles should focus on keeping CTU running smoothly, and he shouldn’t mention this conversation to anybody. As if! You know Miles is going to go straight to the salon, get a pedi, and gab away about this all week.

You really think the Prada makes me look hippy?

Remember how they mentioned Bierko a lot at the beginning of the episode and we thought it was kind of strange? Or at least I thought it was kind of strange? Bierko basically had an entire industrial gas station fall on top of him. Jack had to carry him out on his back, and all that the CTU infirmary had to do was put on an eye patch and he was good to go? The CTU infirmary that can’t keep a witness alive to uh, save their life? Then again, maybe I shouldn’t have been surprised. Tony Almeida was engulfed in the flames of a car bomb, and he only needed a little eye patch as well. So I guess it’s either an eye patch, amputation, or death if you are admitted to the CTU infirmary. Not the best of options, but I bet it really cuts down on the paperwork. (That joke was a lot shorter and funnier when I came up with it the first time – I promise.) Anyhoo, Bierko was being loaded into the transport van, but the driver looked at him and nodded his head, which means the driver is a ringer and Bierko is going to escape.

Jack is on his way back to CTU, but the President is still holding out hope that the Marines may have captured him. Unfortunately, Logan can’t find Mike Novick anywhere to give him and update. Mike comes running in a little later like he just got caught sniffing the First Lady’s panties, and told President Pussy that the Marines did their job setting up a perimeter, but when it came to holding a perimeter, some things went wrong. OH REALLY? I could never imagine. A perimeter that was breached? Somebody got past the line? I think all of these people must have come from the border patrol, or perhaps the Cleveland Browns run defense.

The President is completely distraught and Mike assures him that Jack Bauer will eventually be apprehended, not that it matters now, because Pussy is going to be burned. He asks Novick for some time alone and sits down at his desk. I guess now the only choice is should he kill himself using the good old belt loop on the drain pipe, by sucking down his wife’s medicine cabinet, or by some other method.

I know that Jack travels fast but when we returned to CTU, he was walking through the door with the recording. Remember when the plane was going to be shot down because it was too far from an airport? If only they had been traveling on the back streets in a Tahoe with Curtis, they never would have had that problem. It takes me longer to brush my teeth in the morning than it takes Jack to travel across Los Angeles county. 24 season six is probably going to start out with Jack revealing that he has been carrying a flux capacitor in his wallet for the last five years.

Jack gives the recording to Chloe. She needs to clean it up so they can present a chain of evidence to the Attorney General. What’s MOST important however is to make sure that YOU DON’T MAKE ANY COPIES so all of us at home can have heart attacks about the evidence being destroyed. Still, if Jack thinks the tapes are in good hands, then I am fine with it to.

After unloading the tape, Jack says he needs ten minutes to go see Audrey. When he gets there, she is so very happy to see him. Although it is a little unnatural at times, it is nice to see the softer side of Jack. Each season the poor guy goes through this horrible day, and he’s not even lucky enough to get laid when it’s all over. First his wife is dead, then he has that Kate Warner, who just won’t stop talking, then he just finished chopping off Chase’s hand (when you’re thinking about sex, chopping off appendages is not good for the libido), and last year he had to disappear. This year, it looks like he’ll finally be able to break a little something off with Audrey. She won’t even have to fake an orgasm because her screams of pain from her arm injury will do just fine. As Jack started rubbing her calf, I started to think, “You only need ten minutes Jack?”. I don’t know, I just wouldn’t be that relaxed after a crashing landing, plus hospital beds don’t do it for me.

You ready for the freakiest things you done in ya life?

Mike Novick comes in to inform the President that the Attorney General has in fact spoken with CTU. Wow, it’s only a matter of time now, right? President Pussy has had enough. He sends Mike away and then reaches for a box on a shelf. Inside there is a gun. But first! It’s time to try and reconcile with the wife. Poor Martha, only a few hours ago she was about to have her way with Aaron behind the stables, and now she finds out her husband is the greatest traitor in the nation’s history. Logan tried to smooth things over with his wife, saying he was sorry and the worst thing was that he had hurt her. No, I’m pretty sure that the worst thing was that you gave nerve gas to a bunch of terrorists and knew that people were going to kill a former President, but threatening to send your wife to a mental hospital, watching idly by as she gets killed, and then attempting this pathetic excuse of a makeup is pretty bad.

Logan goes back to his office and removes his gun. Wow, it looks like he is really going to kill himself. I thought they would at least wait until the final episode. Pussy decides to serve himself up a stiff drink. Ahh yes, nothing takes the edge off a bullet to your skill like some Johnny Walker black. He throws it back, looks at his gun and then….

The phone rings?

It’s an urgent call from CTU?

It’s MILES?!?!?!

Yes, it was Miles, who apparently has decided that his loyalty to Karen Hayes is not as valuable as the President owing you a very big favor, like some alone time with Anderson Cooper the next time he’s in Washington. The President approves of Miles’ plan to do whatever it is he is doing, and says that he won’t forget this. Oooh! Anderson Cooper and Madonna tickets!

But seriously, what can Miles do? Whatever it is, the President puts away the gun. Miles walks into the situation room where Chloe is working on the recording. Chloe responds by telling him to back off, but Miles won’t leave. Oh no. He has something in his hand. It’s flashing! This isn’t going to be good for business, I can just feel it. Is the President really going to get away with this?

Well, you can find out next week when B-side recaps the next episode.

I thought this was a great episode. There were some cheesy special effects with the plane crash, but the President is becoming a great villain. Your skin crawls just watching him speak. We still need to figure out what it is that the Bluetooth Group are doing to have so much control over Logan and just in case things aren’t interesting enough, next week’s previews show that Bierko has escaped his protective custody prisoner transfer. Three hours is all that we have left, and it looks like things are just going to get more difficult, but I guess that’s why we watch Jack Bauer.

What did you think of the episode? Did Miles destroy the tape? Who are the guys in the bluetooth group? Can President Pussy really pull this off?