Recap: American Idol Results: Fourth Time’s a Charm!

I was at Starbucks when I first heard the dish. This old dude wandered into an apartment building with a cigarette, fell asleep, and lit himself on fire. Can you imagine? What was an old homeless dude doin’ in some random apartment building choking on vanilla ice cream and starting himself on fire? For a second I thought of his sad charring body, but then I thought to myself, I can’t wait to see who gets kicked off Idol! Weird coincedence, there was a fire at my front door this morning. My room mate was pissed. Crazy, right?

I had it all figured out. The Ho was gonna go, the chunky black chicks were in like Flynn, and the sweet Jester would get a slap on his limp wrist for boring the Queen. Just goes to show you, I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. But that’s the point! Because this is America! And THIS. Is American Idol! In this week’s Ford commercial, Glocksen arrives at the Econo Wash with her giant, gas guzzling Jeep covered in mud. Luckily, our Idols are there to clean up the mess! They did laundry a couple of weeks ago. I’m gonna buy a Ford just to get the cigarette butts and that pile of ashes swept out of my hallway.

The inside of the Car Wash is an Island Paradise! The Idols coo out “One Love” while they trade Mousketeer smiles and cracker moves. Some things are just too beautiful to describe with words. Enjoy.

When the Jeep comes out of the wash, we see that it’s not only the mud that was washed away. It was the sin of over-consumption! The hideous, evil gas guzzler has been turned into a sleek, homogenous and politically correct green SUV with HYBRID stamped on it. And Kermit the Frog’s in the front seat! Aw! Kermie! He says “I love being green!” Woah! Brakes! Screeeeeeech! “It’s Not Easy Being Green” is about the pain of being different, not the self-satisfaction of feeling accepted by the swelling masses of brainwashed tree huggin’ global warming pod people. Leave my childhood icon out of your propaganda, Ford! And shame on you, Muppet Makers, for letting The Man stick his hand so firmly up the frog’s ass.

The new SUV looks way cuter now, but unfortunately the wash didn’t have the same affect on Glocksen. She did, however, get the power of levitation.

Tink taunts us with flights of fame fancy. The American Idol Songwriting Competition begins now! Instead of forcing the next Idol to release a machine made crapfest of a victory song, the producers have decided instead to force the next Idol to release a viewer penned crapfest of a victory song. That’s right! It’s up to you, America! You could be responsible for the next wave of violent ear terrorism in grocery stores and elevators all across the country for the next year or five. I’m totally entering. I think this guy should, too.*

The fairy groups the contestants into three groups of three. Who’s top and who’s bottom? LaKisha, Doolittle and Sparks are the top group, no surprise there, and even though Blake, Chris R and Sanjaya are all total bottoms, they’re in the middle this week vote wise, leaving Glocksen, Haley’s legs, and Powder in the bottom three. I am surprised by Glocksen, even though her dress is telling me not to be.

And now for the Idol Challenge! Last week’s winner is Heidi from Alaska, and let’s just say the producer’s waddle fetish is getting out of control.

Tonight’s question is: “What former contestant was lovingly referred to as Chicken Little?

I am thinking Chicken Little, but it’s just so obvious! I’m going with Tyne Daly. She likes chicken.

Tony Bennett has called in sick! Boooooo!!!! I have a whole bag of incontinence jokes stored up! Dammit. I’m gonna have to prank call my Meemaw in my McGruff the Crime Dog voice and hurl them at her answering machine as soon as credits roll. Can’t waste solid hack old people in diapers material. Tony Bennett, my Meemaw’s going to be in tears tonight, and it’s all your fault! Who in the world will be available to step in with such short notice? Phew. Thank God Michael Buble’s not booked. Ever. Don’t know who he is? Then you’re not watching enough infomercials! In his defense, he looks as shocked that he’s there as I am. Don’t be nervous, Buble! You’ll do fine!

Wait. Scratch that. He turns in a way worse performance than any of the bottom three did last night. He cracks, runs out of breath (and pitch), and bones a huge note hard. Thankfully, he takes a moment to leave the mic, but sadly its to turn our attention to the fat Asian dude in the band. You’re killin me here! Buble takes back the mic and gives it his cheesecake, Sinatra-lite all. Since he is a last minute fill in, I do my best to not scream obscenities at the TV. Give the guy a break. It was either him or that steak knife that cuts through Coke cans.

Buble’s next album will be available soon, so he suggests pre ordering now and stealing your parent’s credit cards. I imagine old people digging up their long dead parents to snag their expired plastic for the latest Buble travesty. Toying with seniors is not a laughing matter, Michael! Just in case he wasn’t not charming enough, he jokingly asks Tink if he’s wasting his votes by still calling in for Antonella Barba. Tink says he’s doing the same thing. Sure, boys. They grab their crotches, spit on the ground, and exchange numbers.

A Til’ Death commercial comes on with Brad Garrett in his boxer shorts. I am officially a heterosexual now. All about ‘ginas. That was easier than I thought!

Powder is allowed to have a seat, and Glocksen hugs Haley’s legs. Tink asks the Judges if they think America got it right this week. Randy is a little surprised by Gina, Nah never mind. He’s surprised by them both. Aw. Haley gives a “yeah right” harumph and tucks her camel toe back into her hot pants. She’s obviously wasting it on the Judges. Paula, who seems morbidly depressed tonight, doesn’t answer. She yawns out that it gets tough at this stage of the competition and they should both be very proud of themselves. The audience is silent. Awkward. Simon is all smiles, and Tink suggests he tone it down. Simon, obviously, isn’t surprised. Haley’s legs and Glocksen both cry. Tink ends the drama. Glocksen’s out!

Woah. I did not see that one coming, but I don’t know why I’m surprised. It makes perfect sense. Ho Shlock beats Faux Rock. Gina loses it, and so does her mom. I get a little teary, too. I was really enjoying making fun of her hideous, ever evolving “persona”. She definitely takes the prize for most desperate for a win, and I thought her passion would carry her further than ninth place. If you needed any further proof that The Secret is complete and utter bullshit, Glocksen’s it. No one has ever focused on anything harder. During her clip montage, I feel really badly for her as she tries and tries again, finally getting to the big leagues after her third effort, and I pray that she takes the hint and doesn’t audition for a fourth time. Tink gives her a chance to scream and pull her hair out and flip off America, but instead, she smiles through her tears and thanks the Country for giving her a chance and keeping her in the running as long as they did. Aww! That’s sweet, heart-wrenching and adorable. And so not rock n’roll.