Recap: American Idol Results: Idol Cares, but Do I Have To?

This recap is already late so I am not going to waste any of your time with my bs (Family wedding. No internet. Kill me please). Latin night sucked it hard, so the producers decided to make tonight’s results show a full hour and fill our head with enough useless filler to make us forget LaKisha’s storm warning of an outfit and Haley Ho’s ping pong debacle. Did it work?

No, but I don’t want to forget those moments. Pop culture disasters are what I live for, and tonight’s episode rained down some doozies. Simon was made fun of by a bunch of poor kids, Jel-Lo stole a dress from Mrs. Roper, and Sanjaya tried to act like a boy. And why shouldn’t he? This is America! And THIS. Is American Idol!We start with a scan of the celebrities in the house. Eva Longoria’s here with some fat gay dude and Sharon Osbourne’s looking like she doesn’t know how the hell she got dragged into this. Hasn’t Kelly force fed her enough amateur karaoke by now?

Simon and I both give Paula’s outfit the same look, but I finish mine with a laugh. He doesn’t. I am glad to see that even though Paula has sobered up, her stylist is clearly still using heavily. Tink flies in and asks her if she saw a different side to any of the contestants last night and she doesn’t know how to answer, which cracks Simon up, obviously because of the accusations of contestant molestation in the past. She laughs along with him and says naughtily “lots of sides!” Ew. Blake should have left the sock in the night stand.

Tink moves on to Simon, asking if he could sleep last night after giving Sanjaya that “compli-diss”. Good word, fairy! I’m totally using that forever. Simon slept just fine, thank you, and he meant “it wasn’t horrible” as a genuine compliment. Tonight’s group song is “Bailamos”, and the second it starts, I feel bad for Enrique Iglesias for having his song whitewashed and homogonized. Take it as a compli-diss. I am not going to be able to get that word out of my head. I also feel bad for Powder, as he is the only one who’s solo line went by without a smidge of applause, but then when he tries to eye molest me through the camera, I take it back. Sanjaya forgets his words (SHOCKER) and when his solo line comes up, it’s a spoken whisper. LOL, producers. The kids all do ok tonight, but it’s Spanx who takes the reigns and riffs to the bleachers. Her dress looks like it was made from a scrap heap of Ricardo Mantelban’s suit hankies, which is thoughtful because Powder or Haley’s legs are gonna need some comfort later.

Tink congratulates last week’s winner of the Idol Challenge and it’s not a pudgy middle aged white woman! I call BS! Tonight’s question is, which past contestant was almost swallowed whole by meat loaf in last year’s finale?

The only choice with any sex appeal is Barbara Boxer, so I’m gonna go with her. What the hell? I could only vote ten times! Tink reminds me that time is running out to get my submission in for the Idol Songwriting competition. “Get Me out of this Hole” should be finished soon. I’m dedicating it to every child who’s ever fallen in a well. Tell me you aren’t touched.

Tink goes to the Grove, an outdoor mall next door to the studio, to find out what “real people” thought of last nights show. Woah. “Real People” are seriously disgusting. He asks someone else who had the best performance last night and the answer is “that big girl with all red on” and Tink says “Oh, that was Randy.” LOL, Tink! He then does the most shocking thing he could ever do on national television. He kisses a woman. Smartly, she pulled out a wet-nap and disinfected her face as she walked away. The most honest answers came from a little girl. If Nigel doesn’t hire her to replace Sober Sally, I am totally getting her on the payroll as a TVgasm sub.

Finally! A new co-host for The View!

Akon randomly comes out to sing again this week. Do I smell synergy? He does the American Idol Kid Bounce, where you jump up and down and lose your breath and sing way off key. He would have been eliminated before the Top 12 if he was a contestant, but when I Google him I find out that his birth name is Aliaune Damala Bouga Time Puru Nacka Locku Lu Lu Lu Badara Akon Thiam. And…I officially love him. The guy’s at the top of the charts, he’s been nominated for a Grammy, owns his own record company and publishing house, so I’ll keep my nastiness at bay for him. The only question I have is how can you have any street cred when your DJ has Sanjaya hair?

Tonight’s Ford Commercial scared the crap out of me. The song was “Happy Together”, but instead of a big cheesy production number, we were treated to the Idols sitting in the front seat of a Ford and morphing into each other. Chris turned into Sparks, who turned into Powder. You’d think the hair would be startling, but with the pounds of makeup he has taken to wearing recently, he looks the prettiest he’s looked. Blake turns into Haley Ho, and I just hope he didn’t catch anything. Sanjaya turned into Doolittle, and it was scary because it actually took a second to notice the switch. Either he looked cuter than usual or she was more busted. I’m still not sure. I think the point of this week’s ad is that you can buy a big Ford or a tiny Ford, but either way, you lose.

Tink reminds us that Idol cares. He shows a clip of Simon visiting Africa and giving some adorable kids a school in a box, which is what some of the money raised will go toward purchasing. I am glad to see that they included color swatches in these boxes. There’s no reason to look like crap just because you’re poor and starving in Africa. The kids use the chalk and boards they got to draw pictures of Simon, and he gets pissed when one draws him with boobies. LOL. He snaps the kids neck and sets fire to the village. No one disses Cowell on his dime! Tink says “Even in Africa, they think you need a bra!” Simon doesn’t snap back. He just laughs and blushes. AWWWWW!!!!

Next is a clip of lost audition footage. The Judges tell Tony Bennett he has no talent and he begs for another shot. They dog him for a solid two minutes, and it’s funny at first, but when he leaves in defeat, I feel horrible for him. Especially cuz he didn’t sound very good. He should have come in boxers. Speaking of…Tink asks Haley if she was offended at Simon calling her a sperm bank last night, and she said that she was more hurt. Someone in the audience “aww”ed and a guy whistled like a horny construction worker. She says that she would never wear anything that was completely inappropriate and that she only dressed like that because it was Latin week. Uh, that comment is too insanely stupid to comment on, but I will note that she’s wearing pants tonight, and it makes even her speaking voice unbearable.

Powder and Haley Ho are in the bottom three, and when it gets down to Sanjaya and Chris R, I feel a little scared. You know Sanjaya’s ass is safe. Sure enough, Timby Cake is in the bottom three, and the audience boos like mad. Woah. They’re turning. Gear up for a war America actually pays attention to, people. Stock up on canned foods and flash light batteries. It’s about to get ugly. Timby stands as far away from Powder and H-Ho as possible.

Sanjaya’s sister shook BJ and brought along Katie Couric as a date tonight. Wow. That girl’s a serious star fucker.

Since we have WAAAAYYYYY too much time to fill tonight, we are treated to a rehash of Jel-Lo’s mentoring session with the kids. You don’t need talent! You need to make people feel something! She sings one of her songs and I get seriously depressed and consider putting my head through a plate glass window. Nice work, Jel-Lo! Sanjaya says that he hopes he showed Lo enough passion to get her number later. Oooh! Mani/pedi date!

Jel-Lo comes out to do her number dressed like Stevie Knicks on a Mexican holiday. She has really gotten into the whole Spanish superstar thing, complete with fireworks and thick backup dancers with too much makeup, silver pleather motorcycle jackets, and leather daddy caps. She’s wearing more money on her right arm than all of the girl’s costumes combined. Her diamonds and white gold sparkle into the light and hypnotize me. Suddenly I am naked and sobbing. Dammit, Jel-Lo! You made me feel something again! Damn you!

When Tink asks her how she felt about the Judges’ comments last night, she says that she comes from the Paula school of judging (and gnarly patterned tops) and that “positivity and rightness make more rightness”. Uh, two wrong rightnesses don’t make a right, Jel-Lo. The stage is still filled with smoke after Jel-Lo’s variety hour, and Tink says much more of this and everyone’s lungs are gonna look like Simon’s. Ah, Cowell’s a chain smoker, eh? That’s hot.

Powder’s safe! High ho, high ho. It’s off the show you go. Haley cries as she watches her remember when montage, and I suddenly feel horrible for all the mean slut jokes I have lobbed her way. Really, is that necessary? Then she hacks apart “Turn the Beat Around”, blows a donkey, and cuts Tink for walking onto her turf. I feel better now.