Recap: American Idol: Country Mourning

American Idol

By Flipit | Wednesday, April 18, 2007 | 4:58 am | 23 Comments
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debbiedowner.gifFade up as Tink is slowly lowered to the stage in his darkest suit yet. Uh-oh. No music, no applause. Quiet on set! We’re feelin’ something here! The fairy says the show’s heart goes out to all those affected by the Virginia State Tragedy. Moment of silence. Thanks, Tink. The mood is sad, confused, and angry in the country. I’m glad AI has reminded me of how much life sucks while I’m tryin’ to cheese my crackers and giggle at the jiggles for one hour on a Tuesday Night. You’re givin’ me Katrina next week. Throw in a Marine with a missing leg and just kill me already. Don’t use a national tragedy as a preemptive excuse for the suck factor of Country Night, Nigel. We’re watching because we know Country Night’s gonna suck, and we wouldn’t have it any other way. This is America! And (whisper) this. (beat.) Is Amercian Idol. :( laurabushfeels.gifTonight’s Guest Mentor is Martina McBride. What’s a lesbian tennis champion gonna teach these kids about country music? And when did she turn into Faith Hill? Pretty girl. Oh, no! She’s the one who sings that Sean Hannity theme song, “Independence Day”. “Let freedom ring! Let the voices sing! Let the whole world know it’s a day, a day of reckoning!” Tell me when you hear that song you don’t envision bombs hitting the ground. The first thing I thought as she sang for the kids was wow, this bitch needs a mic. The second thought was SEANHANNITYSEANHANNITYSEANHANNITY AAAGGGHHH!!! Why did they brainwash Faith Hill and turn her into this McMonster?

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McHill tells the kids not to worry so much about the white trash genre. Just feel the lyrics. Like you’re talking to someone. My dog yawns and I get a whiff of Dead Man’s Gutter. I tell her to get out of my bed and stop suffocating me, and I realize I have a possible country hit on my hands. AI Songwriting competition, here I come!

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Powder’s up first, and he’s chosen “Where the Blacktop Ends” by Keith Urban. The song is about dropping all the stress and chillin’ in the grass with your lady, and this would make a perfect exit performance. There’s nothing whiter than a country song, but McHill worries that Powder is too (pale) precise and (overtly caucasian) boring with his interpretation. She suggests that he kiss Nigel’s ass and make fun of a Mexican dude to add a little spice, and he totally takes her advice.

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As the honky tonk blared, he opened his eyes real big and sang like he was in trouble and about to get spanked. Powder has a very nice, inoffensive voice, but he’s bore snore and seven years ago. The poor guy just can’t help it. To button his piece, he calls out B-13 and these ladies win.

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Randy didn’t know Powder had the country thing going on but it worked and he thinks he has a career in that genre. Let’s hope so, so I never have to hear him again. Paula said it was awesome from beginning to end, and Simon says that even though it’s taken ten shows, Powder’s finally knocked one out of the park. “You even showed some personality!” Compli-diss. Take a shot. Powder tells Tink that he got a better response because he came out and had fun and sang the kind of music he liked. Simon breathes in the air of Powder’s confidence and almost chokes on it. “I don’t know if it’ll be enough to save you, but it suited you.” And…that’s a double. Thanks, Simon!

Spanx has chosen “Broken Wing”, which is a McHill song. She says she’s nervous to perform the piece in front of it’s originator, but Spanx is a master of the snap with a smile. McHill thinks she did an “awesome” job and reminds her that her music is all about the face. You don’t say.

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jordinwrongcountry.gifJordin could have done the full out Shirley Temple Cowgirl routine but she held back and went the classy call center lady route instead, donning a pretty shiny suri. Hats off, Spanx. Hats off. She looks beautiful and sings the crap out of this song. It’s pretty hard to listen to a non-rhyming sap fest that doesn’t make any sense, but she made it interesting. Ok, so Powder’s double compli-diss shot might have contributed to the tingles, but I got ‘em. Go Spanx. She wipes imaginary tears from her face and I roll my eyes. Wait til Katrina week. She’ll go through enough imaginary Kleenex to destroy an acre of imaginary trees.

jordinsqueezetears.gifRandy and Paula both loved it, and Simon says it’s the first time he’s believed that she could win the competition. Woah. Jordin fans her face and acts shocked. Tink asks her if she ever feels nervous because she seems so comfortable at all times. She says after the performances she feels the nerves. Like right now? She jiggles and giggles, telling those nerves “stop it!” From the looks of it, if Spanx is surprised at anything, it’s that it took this long for Simon to get on board. Snap. Giggle giggle giggle.

constantinegross.gifTink asks Sanjaya a viewer question. If you could force a Judge to sing any song, who would you choose to sing what? She laughs like it’s the first time she’s heard the question and says “Simon would sing ‘Shining Happy People” so he could show his true personality!” Aw! Simon’s sweet off camera! Ask a poor African kid!

Sanjy’s chosen “(Let’s Giving ‘Em) Something to Talk About” because she likes the whole woman empowerment message in the Julia Roberts movie. As an homage, Sanjy perks up the curlies and refuses to kiss Tink on the mouth cuz it’s too personal. McHill thinks the song is the perfect choice for such a ballsy girl, and the only compliment she can muster is “she sang it louder than I’ve heard her sing on the show.” LOL, McHill. dontdragusintoit.gifSanjy comes out shaking her booty in a red bandana that would get her tossed around like a bowl of wet noodles at a frat party and gives it her all. She wanted to make Bonnie Rait proud, and I’m sure Bonnie’s never felt like a better singer. Goal accomplished!

imeverywoman.gifSanjy’s a little more confident in front of the crowds and the cameras tonight, but she can’t sing above a whisper, she misses even the few riffs there are in the song, and gets off rhythm a couple of times. So she’s not a great singer, no big news there. The problem here is, for the third week in a row, Sanjy’s bbbboring. Where are the chaps? Where’s the electric bull? Where is the camp, Mary?

laughinglady.gifRandy calls it karaoke and asks Paula what they’re watching. She answers “we’re watching someone who loves adversity! You love it, don’t you? You thrive on it!” Like Sanjy’s voted for herself tens of millions of times and campaigned for the title of most ridiculed little girl on the planet. She should win just for not having had a nervous breakdown by now. “You’re a lovable guy, Sanjaya.” Ouch. She called him a boy. Now they’re just getting mean. Simon simply says “Utterly horrendous.” The audience boos loudly, but when the camera’s pan them, they are grinning like jack-o-lanterns. Debbie Allen is practically rolling on the floor. Simon says it’s worse than anything they are forced to sit through at the beginning of the season. Tink tries to come to the rescue, saying that Simon’s never liked Sanjy, so was it the song? Simon gets pissy and tells him to flitter out of the frame and let him have his moment. LOL, Simon. He says it’s been funny for awhile, but the goal is to find an American Idol and Sanjy’s a joke. Alrighty then. New tactic. Randy say’s he liked the “scarf on the head”. Thank God. Compli-diss shot. I needed that.

goldenboots.gifLaKisha’s up next with Carrie Underwood’s “Jesus Take the Wheel”. This is the second Idol she’s directly challenged. Love it. She has McHill verklempt, and I am expecting to feel the same way. She kicks ass on the verse, but gets a little squealy and off key in the chorus. She goes into belt mode, but can’t seem to find the right key. There’s something missing emotionally from LaKisha so far. She’s belted, she’s thundered, and she’s wailed, but she hasn’t really connected yet. Randy wasn’t impressed. He called out the pitch problems and said he wishes she’d have put a gospel stamp on it instead of singing it straight. Paula agrees that it wasn’t her best, but says she’s still brilliant. The audience roars a boo. Simon says she blew them away with the Jennifer Holiday song nine weeks ago and was the one to beat, but she hasn’t chosen the right song since. If you want to get LaKisha to smile, diss her hard. It’s the only thing that seems to make her happy.

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authenticcountry.gifMcHill wasn’t sure of Timby Cake’s choice of “Mayberry” at first, but after hearing it she’s convinced he could be a country singer in a snap if he wanted. How rude. He starts off strong and brings a couple of real country boys to add some realism to his performance. McHill was right that he has the voice to carry off the song, but he’d be ripped limb from limb if he walked into a country bar wearing his Esprit jacket. He starts off strong and on key, but when he tries to soften his voice for the ending, he’s all over the place. All in all, he was decent, and he gets extra points for hiring toothless old dudes. Timby cares! If he goes home tomorrow, you will know the show’s not rigged, because Nigel is in total and complete love.

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stressedlittleboy.gifRandy blubbers about not feeling it and being a good singer but not having emotion. Simon says he didn’t understand a word out of Randy’s mouth. LOL. We’re in season 6, and you’re just now not understanding him? Paula looks like she’s about to be nice, but shrugs and says “The love and joy you have onstage didn’t come through.” Simon didn’t understand her either. LOLx2, Simon! Paula says only performers can understand. Somewhere the cartoon cat is totally vibing her. Simon says that he doesn’t get why the audience was standing and cheering. To him, it was tinny, nasally, and nondescript. The gay dude from the Top 24 tries to smile supportively during Timby’s critique, but the little boy next to him isn’t taking it well.

Aw, Timby Cake! Please don’t cry! Simon pokes him some more, calling the whole thing “utterly insignificant.” Paula says “like you!” Raar. Timby stands up for himself and I cringe. “Nasally’s a form of singing. I don’t know if you knew that.” Oh, no, Timby Cake! Don’t do it! Simon drolly responds “so that was intentional?” Timby, knowing he’s screwed, says yes, and adds that he has friends at Virginia Tech and his heart goes out to them. Simon rolls his eyes, and I spit out a half chewed Milky Way.

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McHill has never heard Doolittle’s song, “Trouble is a Woman”, but loves everything she does with it. It may be a confusing choice at first, but Julie Reeves, who sang this song originally, was discovered as a singer on song demo recordings. Under appreciated industry worker makes it big. Sound familiar? It could only be more apropot if Weezy Jefferson sang it before she got a sitcom. Her hair looks great and her t-shirt dress over jeans is young and accentuates the positive…

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celiesmile.gif..and of course she sangs to the rafters and nails the song. But again, I didn’t poo a little. Randy said it was another solid performance from the resident pro and Paula agrees. I didn’t see any “Gee wiz, me?” tonight, but Simon did, and he says she needs to lose it, because she’s fantastic. He even compares her to Tina Turner. Woah. I’d argue, but I don’t wanna fight no more. I like the girl, I just don’t love her yet. There’s that Celie smile! Ok, I love Celie. You’re in, Doolittle!

Blake’s lame off key Rufus Wainwright impression has made me nuts from the get go, but he really bombs tonight. He’s hardly on pitch the entire song, and that he does a walk-in-place short leg dance and wears a sweater that looks like one of my argyle socks from Catholic school doesn’t help. This was the worst performance he’s turned in by far. If ever there was a time to wiggy wiggy your way through a number, it was tonight, Dead Eyes.

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Randy thought it was the perfect song choice and a complimentary arrangement, and Paula calls Blake the whole package. Simon wasn’t jumping out of his chair, and before another contestant could use recent tragedy to make up for off key singing, he says that all three Judges’ hearts go out to the victims of the recent shootings. Only Simon can use Virginia Tech Massacre in a sentence and make me laugh. He understands that the kids have had a difficult week and wah wah wah, but it was just ok for him. I agree, and feel the same way about Country Night overall. Who will suffer the consequences?

I put a dollar on Powder or Timby Cake. Any takers? Oh yeah, and to all the victims of the recent tragedy, my heart goes out to you. Seriously. HEART.

Flipit
About

Currently, Flipit's writing Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recaps, which you can find here. You can also find him doing a gossip segment twice a week called BS of the Day and video recaps of Project Runway All Stars, as well as spoof ReDubs of the coming soon trailers at the end of RHOBH!

Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit

23 Comments

  1. 1
    TheEmancipationofGigi
    Posted April 18, 2007 at 8:35 am

    God, country week always blows…

    I think it’s going to be Chris or maybe even Lakisha that gets booted this week. For some reason, I remember country week was the week when Mandisa got voted off, so Lakisha could have the same problem.

    Sanjaya was especially bad and he hasn’t done the campy factor in a couple weeks, so it could be him too I suppose.

    I think Powder bought himself another week.

  2. 2
    JasonR
    Posted April 18, 2007 at 8:48 am

    Last night wasn’t as bad as I’d feared, and was actually better than Latin night. Here’s my rankings, from best to worst:

    1. Jordin – great voice, along with great personality and smile. This girl will be able to sell CD’s.

    2. Melinda – great song choice. Loved her going with a younger look, and she sang well. Could almost see her neck with the bare shoulders. However, could this girl sell CD’s? Who is her audience? I don’t see the myspace crowd getting into her. Her only hope is if they tried to market her as adult contemporary.

    3. Phil – Like everyone else, including Simon, I was surprised. He sang well and didn’t look like a corpse onstage. May have just bought himself another week. I actually picked up the phone to vote for him just because at this point a vote for Phil is a vote against Suckjaya.

    4. Lakisha – that song made me gag when Carrie Underwood sang it, and she sang it a helluva lot better than kiki did. She’s another good singer who I don’t think is commercially viable. In her defense, they really threw her two tough theme weeks, but other singers have been able to adjust and pick songs that they could do good things with anyway. Tonight could be this year’s “good black female singer gets voted out way too early shocker” episode.

    5. Blake – the judges liked this performance a lot more than I did. I thought a lot of it was out of tune.

    6. Chris – This kid just doesn’t have a very good voice. Simon was dead on. I do feel for the kid, because I think he planned to say something about the VT killings, then got caught up trying, very awkwardly and poorly, to defend himself with Simon, and then had to rush to throw in what he wanted to say before he got cut off. He is from VA and said he’s got a got of friends at the school, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt that it wasn’t a shameless ploy for votes or to deflect Simon’s harsh criticism.

    7. Sanjaya – Just terrible. This kid is actually starting to believe the hype, and I’m seeing an arrogance in him that really makes him insufferable.

    Should go home: Sanjaya
    Will go home: Chris, or Lakisha in a shocker

  3. 3
    may1
    Posted April 18, 2007 at 8:48 am

    Country music is sooo bad, and this show sucked even more. What’s with Blakes’ mouth when he sings? They all stunk, Jordin & Melinda the least. I think we should send Paula home. She add’s the least to this show.
    Fast recap, flipit. Way too funny screencaps. Love you.

  4. 4
    Samboomba
    Posted April 18, 2007 at 10:05 am

    I completely agree with your rankings Jason R. I don’t get the Blake-love at all. The guy is fairly attractive when he’s not singing but when he is, his teeth seem to disappear somehow. What is up with that? The whole pouty face, puppy dog eyes thing when he performs doesn’t do it for me. So I can’t understand it based on looks. His voice is pretty technically awful as well. It’s watery, thin, he seems to have absolutely no vocal range or power. And he was way off-key a number of times last night. I thought the judges were just going to slaughter him in their critiques. I just don’t get it at all.

  5. 5
    Karo
    Posted April 18, 2007 at 10:17 am

    Love you Flipit! I’m so glad you got the screencap of when Sanjaya tried to groove with the backup singers and the one on the end looked at him like “Say, WHAT?” I laughed out loud, rewound the tape (yes I said TAPE) and laughed again.

  6. 6
    luxe
    Posted April 18, 2007 at 10:40 am

    Flipit, your recaps rock my world.

    I think the bottom three will be Phil, Chris and Lakisha. I really want Sanjaya to get the boot, but I don’t think he will tonight. I do think, though, that the people who vote for him will get sick of him soon and he’ll be gone within the next few weeks.

  7. 7
    biancaneve
    Posted April 18, 2007 at 10:58 am

    I have to agree with JasonR about Sanjaya’a arrogance. He thinks he doesn’t even need to try anymore. Last night it was like he was doing a sound check for the technicians and saving all his energy and emotion for the real performance later on. I really felt insulted watching him last night – he doesn’t respect the audience enough to do anything more than just phone it in.

  8. 8
    lfrankel
    Posted April 18, 2007 at 11:22 am

    WOW FLipit, this is probably the funniest AI review I have ever read. I literally could not stop laughing for a good part of it… Thanks. I wish my AI blog was as freakin funny as yours! Check it out at http://blog.scenemaker.net

  9. 9
    YouWannaBMe
    Posted April 18, 2007 at 11:42 am

    I like Blake, but there’s only one thing about him that makes me think twice, and no, it’s not his singing – it’s his LACK OF AN UPPER LIP!! It’s the thinnest (or most non-existent) upper lip I’ve ever seen on a person. Scary…

  10. 10
    luxe
    Posted April 18, 2007 at 12:16 pm

    YouWannaBMe,
    Funny, I was just talking to a coworker about Blake. She said she likes him, but something’s weird about his singing… she chalked it up to his lack of lips.

  11. 11
    Justine
    Posted April 18, 2007 at 12:36 pm

    FLIPIT: totally off topic, but are you going to be recapping “Shear Genius” now that Top Design is over?? You are the greatest recapper, love you!

  12. 12
    AC
    Posted April 18, 2007 at 12:57 pm

    Oh, FlipIt! How you almost make me want to actually WATCH American Idol. Almost . . .

  13. 13
    Flipit
    Posted April 18, 2007 at 1:38 pm

    hahahaha lipless. you know when i go to bed after finish writing these i wonder how i can sleep after being such a jerk, and thankfully by afternoon, you have all topped me. thanks for the giggles.

    and i hope you are wrong about a surprise lakisha cut, although i thought the same thing and refused to write it, because i don’t want it to be true. get rid of all the boys first.

    heart

    oh and ps, ai’s my only show til may, but thanks for the shout out, justine! :)

  14. 14
    redhaiku
    Posted April 18, 2007 at 2:53 pm

    This is America! And (whisper) this. (beat.) Is Amercian Idol. :(

    Where is Amercia?

  15. 15
    KatiesHole
    Posted April 18, 2007 at 3:53 pm

    At least we didn’t have to look at that diseased lard ass this week. No idea who Martina is, but its better than J-whore.

    I can’t believe Chris has lasted this long. His voice is horrible. Blake is fading too, all the songs sound the same. At least Sanjaya was bad, but memorable.

    I really want Sanjaya to win, which would say a big F-You to this show!

    KH
    Go Sanjaya!

  16. 16
    dagnytaggart
    Posted April 18, 2007 at 3:58 pm

    Overall – another great and funny recap, but I have to say it is not witty to call Sanjaya “she” for almost a full page. Okay, you made the comment, we get it. No need to make the same lame homophobic joke 8 times in a row. Haha – Sanjaya is effeminine. We know.
    (But aside from that, you are one of my favorite recappers and I love reading your stuff.)

  17. 17
    Rock Star
    Posted April 18, 2007 at 4:18 pm

    Jason, I agree with most of your rankings too. I think Melinda would be successful on the adult contemporary charts, definitely. Sanjaya is usually mediocre, but last night he sucked hardcore. Jordin is great, and to be honest, I don’t think Kelly Clarkson has anything on her. I would be a little surprised if she won though, because it seems like the little girls like Chris and Sanjaya and the more sophisticated music fans like Melinda. And someone seems to like Phil altho I’ll admit he was surprisingly good last night. The thing is like Flipit said, he has a great voice. He’s just boring. Maybe he could be one of those artists that doesn’t tour but has a successful radio career…

  18. 18
    NateTheOkay
    Posted April 18, 2007 at 4:50 pm

    So, what to make of Simon’s eyeroll? Personally, I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but now it’s been blown into front-page entertainment news.

    Although, it is clear that he rolled his eyes in response to the “intentionally nasally” thing. But if he was rolling his eyes in response to Chris VT comments, I’d be okay with that too. It did seem like pandering, especially coming on the heels of a failed indignant defense of his singing.

    The way he delivered his comment wasn’t exactly tactful. One moment he was being snotty with Simon, then all of the sudden, he throws in something about VT. If his intention was to say something about it, he shouldn’t have started sparring with Simon.

  19. 19
    brendahamLincoln
    Posted April 18, 2007 at 5:34 pm

    First off, to dagnytaggart, Flipit can make as many gay jokes as his little heart can muster because he’s gay, so theres. Just like I can make mexican jokes all I want, Haley Skankarto can make herpes jokes all she wants, and Blake can make harelip jokes all he wants.

    I didn’t watch the show last night because I was having dinner with the BF and I forgot to reset my DVR to record AI, but it doesn’t seem like I missed much. I saw the clip online of Simon’s eyeroll, and it was totally not in regards to what happened at VT, come on, American Media, come on. He was rolling his eyes at Chris’s lame attempt to redeem what I’m told to be was a shit ass performance and then garner sympathy votes by reminding everyone where he’s from. Bullfuckinshit on Chris, that was low, Timby Cakes. I’m sick of your tiny head, go away.

    I’m from Phoenix, which is basically where Jordin is from (Glendale), so there’s always a big news story on Tuesday nights talking about how awesome she is. It’s the same thing every week. A clip of her getting her judges’ critiques, then cut to the reporter at the arena where they hold a giant viewing party every week, then cut to some little girls gushing about how awesome she is and how Simon’s a big meanie cacadoodie. But last night, the little girls changed their tunes, one said, if I remember correctly, “I want to marry Simon now.” And I puked a little bit in my mouth.

  20. 20
    Carawatches2muchTV
    Posted April 18, 2007 at 6:37 pm

    “Ouch. She called her a boy” You KILL me, Flipit. Keep up the great work. I am very sad you will not be recapping Shear Genius. =(

  21. 21
    BethW
    Posted April 19, 2007 at 5:39 am

    I thought it was kind of funny that Mandisa got booted last year during country week after singing a religious song, and then Lakisha did the same thing. Of course, she’s still around, but whatever.

    I don’t know why you call Blake Dead Eyes, Flipit. I think it’s Lakisha that always looks like she’s bored as hell no matter what she’s singing. I feel like I’m the only one who notices.

  22. 22
    primadarling
    Posted April 19, 2007 at 2:28 pm

    actually Beth, Mandisa sang “Any Man of Mine” not a religious song. Well not unless you’re worshipping Shania Twain.

  23. 23
    TeamCockerSpaniel
    Posted April 20, 2007 at 9:31 am

    BethW- You are NOT the only one who notices… I totally agree!!

    Hi-larious screencaps!! :)

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