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For the first time ever, I’m shocked into silence. This is your brain.
THIS. Is your brain on American Idol.
Homer Simpson takes Tink’s place in tonight’s intro, and for the first time ever, he doesn’t get one laugh. The Curse of the Fairy. He says “Is it too late to vote for Fantasia?” LOL, Homie, I take it back.
The Judges are pretty rowdy tonight. Randy boos Simon while Paula jangles the life out of her QVC line into her mic, and I crack up when the camera catches Melinda looking at them.
Tink shows us clips of Jordin’s trip home, and she is just surprised as can be at everything that happens.
When she gets to her choir class, her BFF comes up and hugs her hard. Awww! Poor BFF! Sorry Spanx hasn’t called you in three months. She’s just been so BUSY.
Jordin really sqeezes ‘em out in her limo and I feel terrible about making fun of her.
After crying at her school, crying at the mall, and crying in her limo, she sings “I Who Have Nothing” for a crowd of 10,000 people outside a movie theater. And cries. The camera does the swoop circle around her and catches her in some pretty unflattering angles. Her mic pac is on the her upper spine and it makes her look even more like a hunchback. A hunchback who can emote! She asks the cameras (as she cries) “who am I to have such an amazing experience?” You’re Spanx, baby! Now shine like the stah you ahh!!!
Back in the studio, Tink goes over Jordin’s reviews from last night. Every time he gets to a nasty Simon comment, he gives him a “you should be ashamed” look. He’s trying, but Cowell just gives him the cold shoulder. Simon is hating him for real lately, and I love it.
Yay! Time for Idol Challenge! I have a feeling I may win this week. The hope alone is worth the ten bucks I spend to vote. Tonight’s question is: Who has the most busted grill?
Ummm…..LaKisha. I win!
Tink does a rude impression of Blake’s crackly, off key falsetto and Blake beat boxes along with him and does the robot. I didn’t bring home a Frosty tonight, so I throw a piece of my 7-11 mustard dog at the TV.
Tink asks him if singing with Sir Mix A Lot was a life long dream and Blake says that actually, he’d already done a couple of shows with him. Snap. Tink asks him if he likes big butts and he answers “I can’t lie”. I’m with ya, kid.
Tink mentions Blake’s dad being “pretty emotional”, and Blake’s dad “woos!” and cries and claps and pounds the floor in gut wrenching sobs. Ah, Blake’s dad. You’re a big lug. Time for Blake’s trip home to Seattle! Cue the screaming homely girls.
This Blaker Girl jumped up and down so violently that her boobs almost swung 180 degrees and knocked her out.
He goes up to the top of the Space Needle and I pray.
Blake beat boxes with sir mix a lot and his fans go wild.
Blake seems like a genuinely nice, grateful person in his home video. Have I been wrong to mindlessly slam him for a little fun? I am a horrible, horrible person. Then he sings for the crowd and I reflexively throw another piece of hot dog at the TV. He pulls out a pitch pipe in the limo to practice the National Anthem and as he mangles the song, I can’t help but think the terrorists won.
Back in the studio, Blake’s dad is on stage with him. Aw! Tink tells him to sit down, but it doesn’t look like Dad heard him cuz he’s shaking Blake’s hand and hugging him. Tink says “it’s his moment.” Rude, Tink! Let Dad cry and wail and shake his jowels! Then Tink gets pissy with him. “Seriously, sir, I’m gonna have to ask you to take a seat.” Damn, fairy! You sure are stingy about how you waste our hour.
He announces Elliot Yasmin, and says he didn’t even recognize him. No wonder! Elliot has gone through a transformation! He has a whole new mouth of teeth and a mop of hair, but something’s off. It’s like he made it half way through The Swan and took a break to come out and plug his album. I love a make over, but this one is kind of disappointing. If Ugly Betty got lipo and a hot oil treatment, she would be selling out, right? I feel bad for all the unattractive kids with busted teeth who bought his poster. The boy can sing, though. Damn. He’s got a better voice than any male contestant from this season, and even though he’s still boring and his song is dull as dishwater, he wails it like he means it.
Elliot is humble, sweet and kinda creepy as ever. He is subjected to the Judges, who seem pretty unfazed by his return, and then he thanks the fans and the producers for opening so many doors for him. Tink jokes “you wanna thank Ford and Coke?” and Elliot adds “and Porshe. I love Porshes.” LOL, Elliot. Tink says that’s a big no no, but it makes me forgive the teeth. Go, Yasmin! Next up, Maroon Five performs and Melinda goes home. WHAT?!? I had a heart palpitation, but then remembered that we haven’t seen her visit home yet. F’in fairy did that on purpose.
This week’s Ford Commercial is to “Everybody Wants You”. We start with the contestants as kids and see them grow up. Awwww.
Tink asks Simon why he’s sulking, but Simon is not having him. Turns out poor thing is cold. It must be arctic in there, because he’s covering his man nips for the first time ever.
Tink intros Melinda’s home video by asking what the best part of going back to Nashville was and she says sweet tea and looking people in the eye and being grateful. Umkay. Melinda seems the most shocked and uncomfortable with all the attention at home.
She puts on our favorite face and methodically makes her rounds.
I felt bad for Melinda because there was a lot of empty space in her crowds and vacant seats at her meeting with the Governor. Her fans all had the same sign, and I have a feeling Doolittle’s mom was very busy at Kinko’s the night before. Poor thing. A little girl talks about how Doolittle changed her life and “helped her through some tough times.” Even her fans are depressing.
While Tink reminds us all what the Judges said about Doolittle’s performances last night, the camera closes in on a visibly pissed off Simon. We are told about 100 times a season that the Judges don’t know the results before we do, but look at this shot and tell me if you buy that.
Maroon 5 takes the stage and after two minutes of listening to Adam Levine sing live, I start re-evaluating my stance on Blake.
Tink tells us that almost 60 million votes were cast last night. Holy crap. This show is taking over the world. Jordin is the first one passed into the finals, and she squeezes hard while little girls scream at the top of their lungs. Next up is Doolittle, and she’s going home. WHAT?!?!?!?!?? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooo! Melinda smiles and takes it gracefully. I do not.
My TV is lucky there’s no mustard dog left. WHAT THE HELL??? She never made me poo a little, but come on, America! You chose Wiggy over DOOLITTLE? She smiles and takes it really well, but her mom’s having a mini break down. Aw. Spanx is off to the side doing her best to squeeze some out, but it’s not working. Sit down, Jordin. You win, ok? AAARRRRGGGGHHHH.
My Tivo cuts Simon’s response off, but I can only hope it went something like this “damn you, little girls all across America! This is YOUR fault! YOURS!”
Weezy, you were robbed, girl. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOalittle.