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Monday, May 21, 2007
1:38 am
16 Comments
For the first time ever, I’m shocked into silence. This is your brain.
THIS. Is your brain on American Idol.
Homer Simpson takes Tink’s place in tonight’s intro, and for the first time ever, he doesn’t get one laugh. The Curse of the Fairy. He says “Is it too late to vote for Fantasia?” LOL, Homie, I take it back.
The Judges are pretty rowdy tonight. Randy boos Simon while Paula jangles the life out of her QVC line into her mic, and I crack up when the camera catches Melinda looking at them.
Tink shows us clips of Jordin’s trip home, and she is just surprised as can be at everything that happens.
When she gets to her choir class, her BFF comes up and hugs her hard. Awww! Poor BFF! Sorry Spanx hasn’t called you in three months. She’s just been so BUSY.
Jordin really sqeezes ‘em out in her limo and I feel terrible about making fun of her.
After crying at her school, crying at the mall, and crying in her limo, she sings “I Who Have Nothing” for a crowd of 10,000 people outside a movie theater. And cries. The camera does the swoop circle around her and catches her in some pretty unflattering angles. Her mic pac is on the her upper spine and it makes her look even more like a hunchback. A hunchback who can emote! She asks the cameras (as she cries) “who am I to have such an amazing experience?” You’re Spanx, baby! Now shine like the stah you ahh!!!
Back in the studio, Tink goes over Jordin’s reviews from last night. Every time he gets to a nasty Simon comment, he gives him a “you should be ashamed” look. He’s trying, but Cowell just gives him the cold shoulder. Simon is hating him for real lately, and I love it.
Yay! Time for Idol Challenge! I have a feeling I may win this week. The hope alone is worth the ten bucks I spend to vote. Tonight’s question is: Who has the most busted grill?
Ummm…..LaKisha. I win!
Tink does a rude impression of Blake’s crackly, off key falsetto and Blake beat boxes along with him and does the robot. I didn’t bring home a Frosty tonight, so I throw a piece of my 7-11 mustard dog at the TV.
Tink asks him if singing with Sir Mix A Lot was a life long dream and Blake says that actually, he’d already done a couple of shows with him. Snap. Tink asks him if he likes big butts and he answers “I can’t lie”. I’m with ya, kid.
Tink mentions Blake’s dad being “pretty emotional”, and Blake’s dad “woos!” and cries and claps and pounds the floor in gut wrenching sobs. Ah, Blake’s dad. You’re a big lug. Time for Blake’s trip home to Seattle! Cue the screaming homely girls.
This Blaker Girl jumped up and down so violently that her boobs almost swung 180 degrees and knocked her out.
He goes up to the top of the Space Needle and I pray.
Blake beat boxes with sir mix a lot and his fans go wild.
Blake seems like a genuinely nice, grateful person in his home video. Have I been wrong to mindlessly slam him for a little fun? I am a horrible, horrible person. Then he sings for the crowd and I reflexively throw another piece of hot dog at the TV. He pulls out a pitch pipe in the limo to practice the National Anthem and as he mangles the song, I can’t help but think the terrorists won.
Back in the studio, Blake’s dad is on stage with him. Aw! Tink tells him to sit down, but it doesn’t look like Dad heard him cuz he’s shaking Blake’s hand and hugging him. Tink says “it’s his moment.” Rude, Tink! Let Dad cry and wail and shake his jowels! Then Tink gets pissy with him. “Seriously, sir, I’m gonna have to ask you to take a seat.” Damn, fairy! You sure are stingy about how you waste our hour.
He announces Elliot Yasmin, and says he didn’t even recognize him. No wonder! Elliot has gone through a transformation! He has a whole new mouth of teeth and a mop of hair, but something’s off. It’s like he made it half way through The Swan and took a break to come out and plug his album. I love a make over, but this one is kind of disappointing. If Ugly Betty got lipo and a hot oil treatment, she would be selling out, right? I feel bad for all the unattractive kids with busted teeth who bought his poster. The boy can sing, though. Damn. He’s got a better voice than any male contestant from this season, and even though he’s still boring and his song is dull as dishwater, he wails it like he means it.
Elliot is humble, sweet and kinda creepy as ever. He is subjected to the Judges, who seem pretty unfazed by his return, and then he thanks the fans and the producers for opening so many doors for him. Tink jokes “you wanna thank Ford and Coke?” and Elliot adds “and Porshe. I love Porshes.” LOL, Elliot. Tink says that’s a big no no, but it makes me forgive the teeth. Go, Yasmin! Next up, Maroon Five performs and Melinda goes home. WHAT?!? I had a heart palpitation, but then remembered that we haven’t seen her visit home yet. F’in fairy did that on purpose.
This week’s Ford Commercial is to “Everybody Wants You”. We start with the contestants as kids and see them grow up. Awwww.
Tink asks Simon why he’s sulking, but Simon is not having him. Turns out poor thing is cold. It must be arctic in there, because he’s covering his man nips for the first time ever.
Tink intros Melinda’s home video by asking what the best part of going back to Nashville was and she says sweet tea and looking people in the eye and being grateful. Umkay. Melinda seems the most shocked and uncomfortable with all the attention at home.
She puts on our favorite face and methodically makes her rounds.
I felt bad for Melinda because there was a lot of empty space in her crowds and vacant seats at her meeting with the Governor. Her fans all had the same sign, and I have a feeling Doolittle’s mom was very busy at Kinko’s the night before. Poor thing. A little girl talks about how Doolittle changed her life and “helped her through some tough times.” Even her fans are depressing.
While Tink reminds us all what the Judges said about Doolittle’s performances last night, the camera closes in on a visibly pissed off Simon. We are told about 100 times a season that the Judges don’t know the results before we do, but look at this shot and tell me if you buy that.
Maroon 5 takes the stage and after two minutes of listening to Adam Levine sing live, I start re-evaluating my stance on Blake.
Tink tells us that almost 60 million votes were cast last night. Holy crap. This show is taking over the world. Jordin is the first one passed into the finals, and she squeezes hard while little girls scream at the top of their lungs. Next up is Doolittle, and she’s going home. WHAT?!?!?!?!?? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooo! Melinda smiles and takes it gracefully. I do not.
My TV is lucky there’s no mustard dog left. WHAT THE HELL??? She never made me poo a little, but come on, America! You chose Wiggy over DOOLITTLE? She smiles and takes it really well, but her mom’s having a mini break down. Aw. Spanx is off to the side doing her best to squeeze some out, but it’s not working. Sit down, Jordin. You win, ok? AAARRRRGGGGHHHH.
My Tivo cuts Simon’s response off, but I can only hope it went something like this “damn you, little girls all across America! This is YOUR fault! YOURS!”
Weezy, you were robbed, girl. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOalittle.
16 Comments
Oh Flipit, you poor baby…how will you ever make it thru 2 hrs Wednesday night? Maybe you need a bottle of Jim Beam and a shot glass instead of that frosty and mustard dog. Just aim that amber liquid at the back of your throat instead of at the tv – and there ya go. All I know is I sat here and clapped and squealed like a 12 yr old girl when I found out Blake was safe.
Funny recap Flipit.
Go Blake!!!!!!!
Aaaaa, once again my complete and total happiness has made you sad. One more time, and my work here will be done.
Thanks much for the screencap of my in my sexy new ARMY t-shirt! Don’t I look hot?
GO BLAKE!!!!
Anybody else think that Elliot looks exactly like Jonny Fairplay?
“I Who Have Scoliosis”
Fuck me I just peed.
And BTW, who the hell sings that boring depressing song for 10,000 people??? That felt really awkward to me.
Flipit,
Never mind making Blake sound great in comparison, Adam Levine made Sanjaya,
Alaina, Antonella, etc. all seem like f-cking great singers! I saw about 15 seconds of them on SNL before fast-forwarding, and I swear he is absolutely unlistenable live.
Even the Idol contestants we rank on are superior to 90% of the visiting established talents. If most of the people on the pop or rock charts had to get through the Idol crucible, most of them would be out of the music business.
Melinda’s a good, technically proficient singer without a unique style and without any real star quality. Her profile has certainly been raised and she should be able to make a living making CDs for our parents, or maybe join other Idol alums on Broadway. Could see her playing Maureen in “Rent”?
I don’t see any suspense this week, which will be Jordin’s coronation, but both finalists should have lots of commercial success.
GO BLAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do I think he’ll win? No, Spanx has that in the bag. However, it’ll be fun to see what he’s got up his sleeve for the final showdown. Yay!
I was really rooting for a Blake-Melinda finale, and I thought that Spanx’s less-than-stellar performance on Tuesday made that a possibility. I wasn’t surprised, though. I love Melinda, but I’ve always wondered who exactly her fan base is.
I agree about her doing Broadway…she or LaKisha could pull a Frenchie Davis and do Rent. Maybe not Joanne, but how about the soloist in Seasons of Love? Perfect!
I wish they’d have done a “modern Broadway” night…I’d love to have heard some of the contestants rock The Color Purple, Spring Awakening, Rent, etc.
maybeimamazed02, you’re right, I meant to say she would be good to play Joanne, not Maureen.
-JR
The screen cap for “This bitch acts like she knows me” is one of the top 5 screencaps of all time. If you don’t beleive me, ask the burrito a spit all of my monitor when I read it.
And I agree with the Maroon 5 posters – that dude is the opposite of entertaining. Give me dancing, give me attitiude, give me on-key vocals, give me something! As if SNL weren’t unentertaining enough already.
Okay – you are spot on about Elliot’s looks – not quite there – but I LOVE HIM!!!
And like you said – he was ten times better than any of the males we had this year.
His voice is amazing.
And seriously – is it really shocking that Melinda is gone? I can’t believe she lasted this long. Of course she can “blow” as Randy would say, but she is BORING. Snoozeville…sorry to see ya go!
Over the course of the past three weeks i have become a blaker girl {who might i add is NOT over 25 y.o. and 250 lbs.
} because, yes he is semi-attractive, but also because i CAN’T have Spanx win. She is so damn annoying. I just turned 18 but i’m still in h.s., and let me tell ya-anyone with her personality is absolutely ridiculed here. I say that because didn’t it seem like when she went back to her school that she may have been unpopular before idol? the things she said, who she hung out with (not the prettiest or best-kept), etc.
I guess what i’m trying to say is-VOTE FOR BLAKE!!
Elliot looks like the far end of the evolutionary chart. His big fake chiclet teeth frighten me.
Poor Melinda. Jordin stinks. Blake isn’t much better. Lame season all around.
KH
hey Bro…. I am with ya… this makes no sense but… did we really screw Melinda out of anything… or will she do incredible better not having won the title?
AND
You know how you hate, hate, hate people who eye F*** the camera, well Elliot closing his eyes… for the whole song… peeping them open every 20 seconds…. creeped me out…. what was up with the boy that he could not sing with his eyes open??
Yes, an exceedingly lame season, crammed-full of weirdos (like Melinda).
Yep, I know Melinda has the pipes, mad skillz and versatility — please just stay away from centre stage, with the other backup singers, so I don’t have to look at you!
And all you rampant Blake fanatics are just so sad. Could Blake be any gayer? Why are you women in love with him? Bc he’s non-threatening??
Indeed, when Blake sings the Nat Anthem, the terrorists HAVE won! :HURL:
If Sanjaya had won this season it would have been so wonderfully appropriate, not to forget a massive FU to how crappy this show has become. At least he had good looks and — most importantly — charisma!
Pitch control, anyone? If they can make a wailing hyena like Madonna sound great on CD (ever heard her live? it’s pretty dire!) then Sanjaya has a major career ahead of him.
Nice recap, Flipit. Loved the captions.
It kind of sucks for Melinda, but this is a singing competition… Damn, someone used that joke before I could. She probably would do better without winning though as long as she gets good songs.
GIFFORDSAZ (#12), I noticed the same thing. To be fair, I think Elliott was a blinker when he was on the show. He probably hasn’t performed in front of a big crowd in a while, too. I felt bad.
Donna Martin Graduates! (#13), only someone who thinks Sanjaya looked good and had charisma could say things like that. O_o
^ Well, that’s exactly what I am saying. And Sanj certainly had ample fans to see him through most of the way through this comp.
Sometimes that’s all you need to get ahead / have a singing career!
Jason R and maybeimamazed- have you guys ever seen THe Lion King on Broadway? I think Melinda would make a really good Rafiki.