Tink stands in a dramatic ray of backlight and tries to make us understand the gravity of what we’re about to witness. They’ve seen ONE hundred thousand wannabes and are down to TWO. ONE plus TWO is three. THREE comes after TWO. TWO THREE. 23! It’s the sign of the devil! Someone save Jim Carrey from himself before it’s too late!
Still not grasping it? He snaps his fingers and the lights over the massive audience at the Kodak Theater come on. I have to admit….
If ever there’s a time to size up how big someone’s balls are, it’s tonight. Oh, keep it in your pants. This ain’t a drunken pee at a truck stop urinal. THIS. Is American Idol!Tink welcomes the throngs of people, and his mic has a delay. He keeps right on going, and it looks like he’s in his own Japanese movie. Before he can get on with the show, Tink has to ask Paula about her broken nose being the biggest news of the day. She shrugs. “I tripped over my dog, Tulip.” Uhhh…What did you fall on? Can I see your wrists? Are they bruised from trying to catch yourself or did you run into a door or a pole? If your nose is broken, how come you don’t have a nose brace? Did it heal miraculously or do you have a magic brace that looks like a bigger nose? Is Emilio Estevez a top or a bottom? Tink could have asked her any one of these things, but he just looks at her like he’s not buyin’ it.
Tink asks if Tulip is ok. They were both just bruised, thankfully. She nods like the whole thing’s no big deal and he says “So the bitch is fine.” DAMN. The fairy’s goin’ balls out tonight. Seriously, stop thinking about balls.
The point is, Paula was allowed to bring a bottle of Oxycontin into the theatre tonight, and she shared with her friends. How else do you explain this tent with chains glue gunned onto it?
Tink introduces Cowell as Simon Cleavage and Simon just winks, unfazed, and holds hands with Paula as she runs her fingers over his boobs. Share! I only have a bottle of Stoli and some expired prescription ibuprofen, but hopefully soon I’ll be with them.
Seattle is smiling tonight. After being named the “most dreadful city” in the history of AI auditions by Simon, they churned out both of tonight’s two finalists and the winners of the Song Writing Competition! Well, Jordin auditioned there, but she’s not from there. Why split hairs? It’s your night to prove you don’t suck, Seattle! Good luck with that.
Sure, in hindsight it seems like the Judges were a little too harsh on the city, but don’t forget what they were put through.
But, as in life, nothing’s all bad. It’s also the city that gave us our first Blaker Girl.
Tink shows us clips of Blake and Jordin’s first auditions. Simon thought they were both just ok, which goes to show you should always listen to what Simon says. Blake showed up to try out on a whim, but Spanx has been lasering in on the prize since she was just a ripe young girl of 16. She didn’t want a car for her birthday, she wanted a driver. The difference between these two is perfectly illustrated by the smart ass editors, who I have fallen in love with this season.
Jordin and Blake will sing three songs each. Their favorite (if I have to hear “I Who Have Nothing” again I’m gonna cut myself), anything they haven’t sung on the show before, and the contest winner’s song. Blake won the coin toss last week, but he let Jordin decide the order (sucka), so he’s up first with “You Give Love a Bad Name”. Ugh. I can not get behind a performance that my cleaning lady downloaded as her cell phone ringer. Sorry.
He changes it up this time and gives it more energy than he’s ever given. He added more wiggy and a fuller beatbox solo near the end, and he runs all over the stage and swings the mic stand around, jumping up and down and slapping hands with fans. Atta boy, Blake. It’s one of the most off key renditions of any song ever, but he makes up for it with gumption. He’s in it to win it, America! He’s not just gonna bend over and take it from some girl.
The audience goes wild, and the sound of that many little girls screaming at once makes my dog put her head under the covers. Randy says the beat boxing gets a 10 out of 10, but the singing was just ok. Paula thinks Randy needs to get his ears cleaned out, because that was way better than it was over at CBS. Simon says he’s not the best singer, but he’s definitely the best performer they’ve had. Tonight.
The rest of the top 12 cheers together in the audience, and it’s good to see Powder pandering to the American public again, even though he was kicked off weeks ago. Doolittle looks like she hasn’t recovered yet, and stares off into space trying to figure out where she went wrong.
Tink recaps the Judges’ comments. Simon liked it, Paula referred to the other studio, and Randy is unpopular. Hilarious. What a tool.
Not to be outdone in the gumption department, Spanx opens with Christina Aguilera’s “Fighter”. It’s amazing when you see someone take a song so far out of their grasp and bring it home! This was not one of those times, but it’s awesome when it happens. I just heard Christina Aguilera snap her fingers and snake her head around from across the city. Jordin looks beautiful, eye fucks that camera like she was born to do it, and works the stage confidently. Unfortunately, she can’t do a single Christina riff, and when she goes into her upper belt she fights like a champ, but squeaks and cracks. I hope she’s got some “Land Before Time Theme” comin’ up, cuz the little girls are gonna need more than that.
The crowd goes insane, even woot wooting and chanting her name. Audience, will you marry me? I’ve got a killer rendition of “Everybody Hurts” that I’ve been dying to try out, but my room mate keeps banging on my door and telling me I suck. Randy points out again that tonight is about the great entertainer against the great singer. Her performance wasn’t that great, but her voice was stellar. What, not great? Brilliant! Paula knew this was gonna be the best finale (that she can recall) ever, and Jordin and Blake proved it. “Stellar!” Stelllaaaaa! Simon starts with the good. He’s glad she chose a song that was more age appropriate, because she’s only 19. Wait. How old is she? He thought her vocals were shrieky and is shocked that the audience booooos. He gives Round 1 to Blake, and Constantine Maroulis agrees.
Paula takes 3 gibberish sentences to call it a tie, and Randy says Spanx wins on vocals, but Blake takes it on performance. The woot woot guys chant her name, but then they suddenly taper off, and I imagine Nigel standing up and shaking his finger at them. Tink shows us a clip of Blake telling us the story of how he started beat boxing. As a little boy, he asked for a drum set every year but his dad kept eating up the Christmas money. Finally, he met this guy who beat boxed during his senior year in college and was inspired to learn the art form in just one week. WOW. I would have thought those mad skillz took decades to master.
One person Blake knows he can out sing is Adam Levine, so choosing “She Will Be Loved” was a great move. He takes the stage in his trademark argyle and I have to hand it to this guy. He sticks to his guns. He’s consistently off key and poorly dressed, but consistent’s consistent. He touches hands with the throngs of little girls as he crucifies the song. He has trouble in his regular voice, and it gets worse with his strained falsetto. Painful and waayyy off key. I get choosing sides and picking a favorite and all that, but seriously. Would you play this for your friends and brag about having voted for it?
Randy said he loved the song and the pure sound of Blake’s voice. Ricky Schroder agrees, vowing to make an appearance on every single creatively ailing FOX show.
Paula giggles and pretends she doesn’t like Simon’s hand on her knee. She was glad to see Blake ease into this song after such an energetic first number. Simon says it was good, safe, and a bad choice for the finals because it won’t make much of an impact. Have to disagree with him there. I’ll bet it made a huge impact.
The audience boos him and he tries to get support from Paula, but she’s laughing with Randy and waving at the audience like she’s on a float. Blake gives a shout out of thanks to all the fans in the audience. Aw. I like everything about this guy except his vocals, his clothes, his hair, and his tongue tricks. I smell a winner!
Jordin has been singing since she was 8 months old and feels lucky to have the chance to “do” her dream. Thanks, America! No, really. THANKS. For her favorite song of the season, she’s chosen Martina McBride’s “With a Broken Wing”. Smart, because she kicked ass on this one the first go round. This time seemed a bit rushed and emotionless, but her vocals were much stronger than the first song and she was solid toward the end. When she finishes, she bows her head and tries to well a few up while he audience goes bonkers.
Randy says that he’s loved her from day one and this performance was flawless and better than the original. Age has nothing to do with it, but she’s 17! HOLY CRAP! She’s 17 years old!!! Paula tells Jordin she is adorable and in “really, really great vocal voice tonight”. Way to do your dream, Spanx! Simon says “Now that was good!” No tears necessary, Spanx. You won that round. Humble as ever, she mugs out 27 different cutsie faces at the camera in less than 10 seconds.
Tink goes into the audience to introduce us to the winners of the song writing competition, but he tells the taller of the two to sit because he makes him look small.
The winning song is called (drumroll…) “This is My Now”. I take a fourth ibuprofen and shake my head. Just when you thought it couldn’t get worse than “Inside Your Heaven”. Blake sits on the lip of the ginormous screen and puts his leg up. A real artist isn’t afraid to show their thunder thighs. This is probably the worst American Idol Song ever written, and it’s by far the worst vocals Blake has ever turned in. He couldn’t hit one solid line of notes, and his pitch problems were intensified by the huge group of tuneful back up singers. It’s pretty unfair, because the song was obviously chosen for a Doolittle/Spanx showdown. Once again, though, he played to his audience, shook little girl’s hands, and stuffed what looks like a grapefruit down the front of his pants. A boy’s gotta do what a boy’s gotta do.
Randy says he knows it’s not the type of song Blake (or anyone else) would choose to record, but he did a decent job and shouldn’t feel too bad about it. Uh, thanks. Paula thinks he was in great voice and did a great job, and Simon says that it wasn’t a good song for him and he seemed frustrated as he jumped around the stage. Thankfully, there were two other numbers that were much better. He adds “I always said there was talent in Seattle, and I was right.” There is no sarcasm in his voice, but I can agree with him. He was right from the beginning about Seattle. Blake says it’s the first time he’s heard Simon lie. LOL, Blake. You win.
Jordin comes out and wipes the floor with Blake. She actually made the song sound like it was good. If you just ignored the lyrics. And the music. She felt it, emoted it, and wailed it to the rafters. She started a little soft and shaky, but she really brought it home. My cynical ass even got tingles. This is your now, Spanx! I am firmly on her side until she cracks on her last note to try and convey tears that aren’t there. Stop faking it, Shirley Temple! You owned that song! You got me to feel something, and I took 7 ibuprofen! Even the most evil doll in the world loved it.
Randy said that this is the best singing competition in the history of television and she deserves to win it all. Paula calls her an angel and tells her parents they have a lot to be proud of. Simon admits to Jordin that last week he didn’t think she was good enough to win and publicly apologizes to her. He tells her she wiped the floor with Blake (hey! That’s what I said! Pinky shake!) on that one and she FINALLY squeezes out a real tear. Atta girl! She came through in the last second and showed some true staahhh quality. Or I’m wasted.
It looks like Spanx is gonna take home the Mustang this year, but you never know with this show.