Recap: American Idol: Faux Rock Pony Hawk

When my eyes opened this morning I felt like I was still dreaming, I was so excited. I called a couple of my Asian fruit flys (or fag hags, or Ling wings) and gassed up the Rav4 for a day of facials, BevMo shopping, and a Target spree. Holy day? Bet your asses! Stefani’s in the HOUSE!

Glow sticks? Check. Platforms? Check. Asians? One got sick from her third Krispy Kreme so I kicked her out of my car and left her wandering around West Hollywood, but the other one’s asleep on my floor. Norman Rockwell couldn’t have painted it sweeter. Hang on tight. THIS! is American Idol!Tonight’s songs are some of Gwen’s favorites. They’re the songs that inspired her to become HER. She explains that her heroes weren’t necessarily the best singers (shocker) in the world. It’s more about their funk and their hairpieces. I am genetically inclined to love Gwen and purchase anything she sells me, but I didn’t know she was so sweet. She’s the girl next door with really high heels and A LOT of makeup. Aw.

She doesn’t have much advice to offer LaKisha after hearing her badass rendition of “Last Dance” by Donna Summer. Too bad she didn’t have any say on the outfit. When KiKi finished, Gwen said she was sweating. We couldn’t see it with the fifty layers of foundation on her face, but I believed her. LaKisha makes me sweat too. I am half in awe of her and half afraid of her. It’s the same way I feel about policemen. And babies. She nails the song from beginning to end, and even spices it up this time, straying from the original vocal pattern. She had a perfect, slow beginning, but I was worried about what would happen when the song took off. We’ve never seen her do an uptempo song and, even more harrowing, she has to sing “let’s dance” over and over again. I am seriously afraid of the evil choreographers on this show who tell the kids to run around and jump up and down. Ignore them, LaKisha! She finds a brilliant solution to the dancing problem. Fierce boots. She slaps down those stilettoed heels like she owns the place and when she finally spins around in a few circles near the end, the audience cheers like she did a backflip. To close, she snaps her head around so fast I thought I saw the Blair Witch. Go, LaKisha!

The Judges all agree that she rocked it out. Simon was glad to see her looking 30 years younger and her first uptempo was a solid success. They all seem bored that they have to uniformly praise her, and I get where they’re coming from. Give us someone to hate on! This isn’t church! As if hearing my plea, the camera cuts to LaKisha’s friends from the bank she used to work at. Wow, with her gone that is one pasty bank.

Sligh is up next. Tink asks him a viewer question: What do you do in your down time? He avoids the obvious answer (binge) and tries to remind us that he’s funny. “I like crocheting, knitting…playing the bongos in my boxers.” Oh, Chris. Stop it! No, really. Stop it. Gwen thinks he has a strong voice, but he needs to stay on rhythm, which he can’t seem to do in “Every Little Thing You Do Is Magic”. So far, Gwen’s coming up short on meaningful suggestions, but her shoes do the talking for her. Be bold! Be brash! Be high! I’m totally gonna take their advice.

He tries to keep the beat. He really does. You can see him thinking hard and stomping his foot, but he’s off pretty much the whole time. It doesn’t help that the sound guy doubled his voice, making him echo. Someone on this show hates Sligh. He tries to distract us by power-walking the stage like a walk-a-mallie, but it just makes the whole performance more awkward. I wanna like Sligh, I really do, but everyone knows any guy with a soul patch is a douche. Especially when it’s the only hair that grows on his face. This guy can sing, but this is the third week in a row he’s been uncomfortable and boring. Ah, well. At least he’s HILARIOUS.

Randy calls him out on the tempo problem, saying he couldn’t get into the “pocket”, so “what do you make of that?” Chris says “well…” it was a rhetorical question, Sligh! Stop explaining yourself after every bad performance! It always makes Randy meaner. When he’s done with his whole “I never sang this song before! I picked it a day late! Music theory is hard!” spiel, Randy says “it was a train wreck for me.” Paula, sober again this week (argh) agrees with Randy and regurgitates “stay in your pocket”. This chick’ll repeat anything. Venturing into completely original territory, she says not being in tempo is an eyesore to the audience. Umkay. Speaking of eyesores, did anyone see Paula on QVC? Yikes.

Simon waves away the “pockets” and “off tempos” and calls the performance a mess. If it was the first time he’d seen Sligh, he wouldn’t know what to make of him. He keeps talking as the audience boos and Chris makes hurt pride faces. Then the theme music comes in. Oh no they didn’t. Simon shouts “I’m not finished!” and the music stops. “This isn’t the Oscars!!” LOL, Simon! He didn’t necessarily have anything else to say, which made me cheer for him even louder.

Glocksen cries when she meets Gwen. “You’re one of my biggest inspirations!” How rude. Don’t blame Gwen. Gina, dressed like satin and spandex sausage casing, stands still and sings “I’ll Stand By You”. She uses a softer side to her voice in the beginning and sounds better than she has yet, but I’m still not buyin’ it. Are the Judges? Hard to tell from Paula’s Cruella DeVille about to skin a puppy face.

Randy starts off by calling out the second pair of stiletto boots. Woah, crucifixes?!? The only way that could be more rock n’ roll is if she cut holes in her fishnets. Oh, wait, there they are. My bad. Randy says this was her best performance so far, and Paula agrees, saying it’s good to see Glocksen coming into her own as a faux-rock artist. And thanks for the QVC plug, Gina! Simon agrees that it was her best performance, even going so far as calling it the best performance of the night. Lakisha’s boots must be throwing a fit backstage. Comparing tonight to the last few weeks was like comparing chalk and cheese. I don’t understand what the hell he’s talking about, but I’ll give him the cheese. Gap Goth lives another day.

Sanjaya’s going to do No Doubt’s “Bath Water”, but doesn’t know the words and completely bones it (hard) in front of Gwen. He’s the first singer who doesn’t impress Gwen, but she’s nice about it. “I feel for him.” Awwww. “It’s a tough song and he chose it, so good luck.” I second that emotion with a buttery nipple shot. Good luck, kid! The tight smile Gwen gives the camera as they cut away is priceless. No, girl. It’s not just you.

The lights come up on Sanjaya and I spit buttery nipple all over my computer screen. Dammit, Mary! Computers aren’t free!

Wow. I think this is the first time I’m at a loss for words. Sanjaya looks like a gay mop. He still can’t sing, so to distract us, he snaps his neck around to make his pomp move. Nope. We still notice that you suck it. His head could be on fire and those craptacular vocals would still shine through, but it’s nice to see him with so much confidence even though he’s become a national joke. Never one to let us down, he forgets his words and loses his confidence, looking at the camera like a deer in the headlights. He cracks out “you’re my kind of girl” and looks us in the eye. No, Sanjaya. You’re our kind of girl.

Randy laughs and says that once again, he’s speechless. There was a glimpse of singing talent toward the end, but the kid is still not coming out of his vocal shell enough to turn in a decent performance. Paula agrees, saying the gayness and Aqua Net would make sense if he went balls out with his vocals, but it’s kind of senseless otherwise, as if gayness or Aqua Net could ever truly not make sense. Simon lobs a lame “didn’t look in a mirror” quip his way and Sanjaya volleys an equally lame “you’re just jealous you can’t pull it off!” right back. Simon admits that it doesn’t matter what any of the judges say. Sanjaya is in his own universe and if people like him, good luck. Sanjaya half rolls his eyes, smiles big, and says thank you. Yeah, yeah, I know he sucks. But you have to admit, you’ll remember the pony-hawk until your dying breath.

Haley has chosen “True Colors”, which is (was) one of Gwen’s favorite songs. She says Haley will be great if she can pull back from the white girl riffs and just sing the melody, but woah, Gwen. That was kind. Haley looks and sounds like this obnoxious, sobby evangelical singer at my parents “cool church” named DiDi Allen. I booed that skank on Christmas Eve, and I’m booing this one now. Haley starts the song sitting on the steps, knowing full well she better give us some pussy before desecrating this song. Put on some pants already. We see your true colors, but unfortunately we have to hear them, too. You’re true colors hurt, Haley. Please show us some fake colors. Near the end of the song, we see what Gwen was talking about as Haley changes the melody to showcase just how off key she can really be. An angel in Heaven cried for Cyndi Lauper tonight.

Randy wasn’t moved, Paula agreed with Gwen that it was too much deviation, but Haley’s a pretty girl. Ouch. Simon said it was sweet and forgettable and she was gonna have to do much better if she got another chance. Some Haley fan kept heckling throughout the judging, and even though I don’t know what the hell she was yelling, it sounded a hundred times better than the crap we just sat through. Give that girl a mic!

So, Phil Stacey, what’s it like becoming an overnight household name? Well, golly! It’s just so busy around here, there’s no time to really grasp how much of an impact I’ve had on the country! I think you’ve actually over grasped, buddy. Tonight Powder didn’t go for impact, he went for compact. Have some foundation, Cover Girl. When he runs through “Every Breath You Take” for Gwen, she is surprised that it sounded good. LOL, Gwen! She gives him the same advice she gave Haley. Stick to the melody! Would his ginormous ears be able to stop trying to escape from that hat long enough to listen? Her face says that she doubts it.

He does listen to her and keeps it as white as possible. As usual, his voice is serviceable and coma inducing. The drool from my chin dripped down onto my keyboard. Dammit. This episode is gonna fry my poor computer. Randy “kinda liked it” and Paula thought his verses were dull, but he kicked in nicely on the choruses. Simon says it’s the first time in the competition he’s felt Powder is taking it seriously and going for a win. Ugh. I’m losing my faith, Simon. Losing it.

Gwen bows down to Doolittle, saying she doesn’t need any luck. She was blown away by her performance. Doolittle looked around the room. “Who’s performance? Gee, wiz, you weren’t talking to me, were you?” Melinda’s voice was flawless as usual, but her song, “Heaven Knows” was pretty dull and lifeless. She still wins in my eyes, because her imitation of Weezy Jefferson was pure gold. People don’t pay enough respect to Isabel Sanford, if you ask me.

Randy tells her she pulled off another great performance and he appreciates that she interprets the lyrics to every song with such feeling. Paula likes hearing stories during songs. So do we, Paula. Have a drink or five and tell us some. You’re killin’ me here. Simon gives her credit for excellent vocals, even though the song was so-so. He hated the outfit. Oh, now you’re dissin’ Weezy and I can’t have that!

Tink calls Doolittle out on always looking surprised when praise is heaped upon her and she is cornered into doing something that instantly turns Simon against her. She hugs herself. He looks like he’s gonna throw up. Prepare for Simon to lash out at Doolittle for the first time next week.

Gwen is worried that Blake is gonna let his beat boxing overshadow the melody of “Love Song”. She thinks the band will help him drop some of the rhythmic spitting so he can concentrate on his Rufus Wainwright impersonation. The Cure song was good for him, and he pulled the 80′s thing off, but he was off key a lot and without any beat boxing at all, it was pretty dull. The zipper sweater was sweet though.

Randy wasn’t excited, but gave it a thumbs up. Paula, awake for the first time tonight, loved what he did with the song. She says he is bringing a new, contemporary vibe to the competition and she hopes to see him in the finale. Simon says he is definitely the best boy in the running but he’s in “this Chris Daughtry zone right now” (and that’s bad how? The guy is one of the best selling Idols, no? Just saying.) and he should take care to not get over-indulgent, because it’s getting boring. THANK YOU. Paula shouts “no” repeatedly behind him. Smack the bitch, Simon! Tink asked Blake how it felt to be taunted with the word “finale” and Blake says he has no words, but he starts to sing “Don’t Speak”. Tink makes him stop or they’ll have to pay for the song. LOL, fairy.

Sparks impresses Gwen. She’s cute, refreshing and is tackling Gwen’s own “Hey Baby”, which is a weird choice. Gwen is shocked hearing her song sung by someone with a great voice. She never knew that song was that musical. LOL, Gwen. It’s not. She is confident Jordin can pull it off, all she needs to do is work her booty. Sparks promises that she can. Uh-oh.

She’s dressed in a girl’s school uniform and high heeled boots. She struts around the stage and nails most of the melody, but Gwen’s songs aren’t really known for their vocal acrobatics. and to make it worse, every time she hits “Girls say!” she cracks. That’s why Gwen tracks that part in, Sparks! Learn from the pros! Jordin made me fall in love last week with her Shirley Bassey home run, so I forgive her for the embarrassment I’m feeling right now.

Randy didn’t have faith in the song, but says she could sing anything and will be a great recording artist. Paula agrees (yawn) and Simon gives her the most improved prize. The song was a bit copy cat-ish, but…”well I wanted to do something different and fun!” He says “you did!” And she laughs “I know!” and smiles like she thinks she’s Julia Roberts. Oooooh, girl. Don’t believe the hype. You’re big enough in those britches as it is. She giggles and bounces up and down like an innocent little girl again, but Simon is not amused.

Gwen, sticking with the same advice she has given almost everyone else, suggests that Chris Richardson stick with the melody and avoid the Vocal Olympics on “Don’t Speak”. Thanks, Gwen. You’ve been a huge help tonight.

He puts a soul twist on it, which makes sense. When he’s doing the Justin runs, he’s on track, but whenever he tries to hold a note, it’s way off key. In this case, Gwen was wrong. Don’t stick to the melody. You’re a little hummingbird, baby. Flutter those wings and pollinate some shit. I still don’t know whether or not I like this kid, but I will say Gwen’s vocals on that song are way more kick ass than his, and that bitch can’t sing a note live. LOVE YOU, GWEN.

Randy says he’s one of the contestants that can actually sing the runs, so he should have more confidence and go for it. Paula just coos “you’re gooood.” Ew. Shut your legs, Sober Sally. Simon liked the r&b spin on the song, but the vocals weren’t very strong, and he should concentrate a little more on singing at this stage of the game. What a novel idea. Chris flashes those pearly whites at the camera and redeems himself. He may not be the strongest singer, but he should be around for awhile. There are way uglier mediocre people to kick off first.

On first viewing, a pretty dull episode, but the gay mop and the silk sausage casing will reside in my mind for a long time to come. Whether I like it or not. Damn you, American Idol! So who do you guys think’s out? My guess is Sligh. (sad horns) It’s too bad too, cuz I had high hopes for the kid. It’s just so UNFAIR! My sweet Ling wing wakes up just in time to cuddle with me and tell me it’s all gonna be ok. I put her hair in seven good luck pony tails on the top of her head, do LaKisha circles, and giggle like a little girl. All is right with the world.