Recap: American Idol Results: Love Your Hair, Hope it Wins!

American Idol

By Flipit | Friday, March 30, 2007 | 12:10 am | 19 Comments
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tinponyhawk.gifA lot has happened on the planet since Tuesday’s episode. The pony hawk swept the nation, Cover Girl’s stock went up by 70%, and millions of little boys all over the world became men when their balls dropped at the sight of Gwen Stefani pumping it in extreme platforms during her video montage. And that was just in one day! Wow, this show works fast.

I was pretty sure when I got in bed with my bottle of Stoli and my girls I knew who was gonna get the boot tonight, but that didn’t make it less fun. You weren’t surprised when Saddam got hung in that barn, but you popped a bag of popcorn and gathered ’round CNN with the family to watch him dangle anyways. As it should be. This is America! And THIS. Is American Idol!mildmildwest.gifTink starts off the night by flying onstage with a pony hawk. Oh, Tink! You’re a riot! The wig actually made him look manlier. Go figure. After force feeding us clips from Tuesday night (did anyone really need to hear Sligh massacre the Police again? Way to kick a guy while he’s down, Tink!), we are treated to this week’s Wild West Ford Commercial! Yaaaayyyy!!! My Ling Wings asked me about the Wild West. I told them it was a time of peeing outside, walking everywhere, and slavery. They cried, so I slapped them and sent them to 7-11 to buy me a Milky Way. Like slavery’s my fault.

gaycars.gifIn the video, Chris R was a bad guy and all these cowboys hunted him down and made him wash their cars. What kind of Wild West is this? They should have punched out his teeth, said cocksucker a lot and hung him by his fingernails in the town square. Don’t these producers watch Deadwood? All the kids looked cute in their little cowboy outfits, and it was awesome that even in the Wild West, Mustangs look totally gay.

Time to begin results! Blake and LaKisha are safe, and when Powder stands up, he’s smiling from ear to ear, getting ready to hear he’s safe. Sorry, buddy. His smile is instantly gone and I crack up. So does his inch of base. Doolittle and Chris R are safe, and so is Pony Hawk. I heard the groans and giggles around the country, but we can’t really be shocked. He’ll be around at least another few weeks. Wacky hair goes a long way with untalented people. Ask Carrot Top. Haley is the next to be called out in the bottom three. I hope you learned a lesson this week, Haley Ho. If you’re gonna give us crotch shots, trim!

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Before we find out anything else, it’s time for the Idol Challenge! They cut to the winner from last week. You may ask yourself, who is paying multiple dollars for entries in this “contest”? Well, from what I can tell so far, lots and lots of middle aged women. Something fishy’s goin on here. I can’t put my finger on it just yet, but I suspect there’s a producer with a waddle fetish on the loose. Tonight’s question is, what contestant was dubbed the Velvet Teddy Bear? Oh, shoot. That’s a tough one.

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I’m voting for JHud. She’s winning everything this year.

gwencircus.gifGwen comes out in her white high ass pumps and sings “Sweet Escape”. I haven’t heard her sing live in awhile and I gotta hand it to my girl. She stayed on key! And I am sure it will please you to know that Gwen’s no hypocrite. She stuck to that melody like stink to a hobo. Even if you hate Gwenny, you have admit that the girl gives it her all. She bounces, pounces and gyrates, and she brings a whole circus with her. Maybe Sanjaya would be better with some choreography and an Asian parade surrounding him, but somehow I doubt it. I have two Asians, and all they do is make me look fatter. And get me candy. Thanks, Lings! During the performance, Sligh stands in the back doing a horrible job of pretending everything’s ok.

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slighswifepissed.gifSligh is called onstage to stand next to Haley and Phil, and Phil is allowed to sit back down. His powers save him again, but I am thankful to America for taking him down a notch. Tink asks the Judges who they think is out tonight, and the only person who gives a real answer is Simon. “Bye bye, Curly.” How rude. He’s right, of course, and Sligh’s girlfriend looks pissed. She married a fat talented loser. Great. That’s gonna buy a lot of diapers. I feel sad. Does this mean chubby’s not back? WHY GOD?

There is a minute left to the show, so “Every Little Thing You Do Is Magic” is cued up and Sligh begrudgingly wails. He only got through the first verse, but he is calmer (or more depressed) now and does a much better job. Too bad you didn’t pull this out last night dude, because Haley Ho was a beaver hair away from getting Glocksen’s crucifix boots shoved up her ass on the way back to the Prayer Network.

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Another week gone, and we are down to nine. Aw. I saw Sligh at the Cheescake Factory a couple weeks ago and I gave him a “HOLLA!!!!” from my table. He nodded a “what’s up?” and smiled, and I thought thank God that kid doesn’t know who I am. He seems really nice. I hope I will run into him at the Cheesecake Factory again so I can hug him and tell him how sorry I am for teasing him. And I asked for chipotle mayo with my fries, doughboy. Chop chop!

Flipit
About

Currently, Flipit's writing Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recaps, which you can find here. You can also find him doing a gossip segment twice a week called BS of the Day and video recaps of Project Runway All Stars, as well as spoof ReDubs of the coming soon trailers at the end of RHOBH!

Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit

19 Comments

  1. 1
    geewits
    Posted March 30, 2007 at 2:16 am

    Chipotle mayo, mmmmmmm.

  2. 2
    Jelliepair
    Posted March 30, 2007 at 6:25 am

    Flipit – where have you been all my life? Your biting commentary and wit have me in stitches. Will you marry me? Or at least share the asians?

    Great recaps to a shitty season of AI – you make it bearable. Thanks!

  3. 3
    Marty
    Posted March 30, 2007 at 6:28 am

    I LOVE SANJAYA!!

    COME ON AMERICA VOTE FOR THE WORST!!

  4. 4
    BobbyP
    Posted March 30, 2007 at 7:12 am

    You haven’t heard Gwen sing live in a while? Well, you didn’t hear her sing live on Wednesday night either! Take a closer look – she lip-synced the whole damn song! On a singing competition, no less!

  5. 5
    Samboomba
    Posted March 30, 2007 at 7:44 am

    Is it just me, or does Phil look like Vanilla Ice in his Hollywood a-hole screencap?

    Otherwise, I normally agree with Flipit’s “Powder” comparisons. This seems like a pretty weak season so far, talent-wise…

  6. 6
    giffordsaz
    Posted March 30, 2007 at 7:53 am

    I think the picture of Phil that Flipit used looks like Jack Nickelson this week… Jack 30 tears ago… but with the makeup and lighting….. yeah, a dashing young Jack.

  7. 7
    AC
    Posted March 30, 2007 at 8:13 am

    HAHAHAHA! Awesome.

    Gwen cannot sing. Love the girl to death, but she can’t. I used to be a “Gwen-a-be” back in middle school. I remember getting in a fight with my middle school boyfriend because he said: “OMG! Gwen Stefani can’t sing. She’s horrible!” I thought he was mean/crazy and almost broke up with him to the tune of “Don’t Speak” because of it. Oh, seventh grade. How I miss you.

    Did anyone notice the “white girl riffs” Gwen tried to pull at the end. And what exactly is Akon’s purpose in the song?

  8. 8
    Sweatbandman
    Posted March 30, 2007 at 9:21 am

    http://www.hollywoodsquared.com/
    urging you not to vote for Sanjaya.

  9. 9
    shia0bundan
    Posted March 30, 2007 at 10:35 am

    Okay, I don’t know if Gwen lipsynced like some of you are saying… but, either way, she sucked! That was so hard to listen to. Girl can’t sing live, her music is all in the production, and she shouldn’t be coaching people period!

    And long live Sanjaya!

  10. 10
    Rock Star
    Posted March 30, 2007 at 12:33 pm

    If Vote For the Worst really wanted you to do that, wouldn’t Alaina still be around?

  11. 11
    juddfan
    Posted March 30, 2007 at 1:06 pm

    OMG, Flipit!!!! My coworkers are getting a contract on you, so sick of my guffaws are they!!!! I’m picking Jhud too!!!!

  12. 12
    roleepolee
    Posted March 30, 2007 at 1:39 pm

    Am I the only one who’s sad to see Sligh go? He is a VERY good vocalist. A true talent! Instead he leaves us and we’re stuck with a JT wannabe who can’t sing for shit, a hipster doofus who actually admits to the fact that 311 is his favorite band (!), Alien Penis head who wears way too much make up, and Sanjaya…

    What next, Doolittle to be gone next week???

  13. 13
    saabotage
    Posted March 30, 2007 at 2:55 pm

    Sligh sucks! He has a decent tone, but can’t stay on rhythm to save his life. He definitely deserved to go. But then again, he didn’t want to stay anyway(as I just read on Drudge), so maybe he sabotaged himself. Either way, I already don’t miss him.

  14. 14
    katieshole
    Posted March 30, 2007 at 3:57 pm

    Stefani should of been voted out. I never understood her appeal. Other than looking like Madonna.

    Stefani sucks. I can’t think of one song of hers I actually liked.

    Phil Stacey still frightens me, in a serial killer kind of way…

    KH
    Captain of Team Sanjaya!

  15. 15
    zoobabe
    Posted March 30, 2007 at 5:52 pm

    Oh Flip! I think Gwen was lip synching too. She looked good though but I thought she sounded awful.

    I’m glad that the other Chris wasn’t in the bottom three. I like the little Timberfake.

    juddfan- HOLLA! nice to see you back. :)

  16. 16
    nerrawllehctim
    Posted March 30, 2007 at 7:12 pm

    If Sanjaya wins, we’re all screwed. Simon has said that he’ll quit if this happens. And the producers think his win will lead the show to Jump The Shark.

  17. 17
    TonyB
    Posted March 31, 2007 at 3:33 pm

    WHO DID SANJAYA’S HAIR? WHO IS THE HAIRDRESSER? HE SHOULD RECEIVE A MEDAL FOR CREATIVE PR AND TALENT.
    WHY ISN’T HE GETTING SOME OF THE SPOTLIGHT TOO?

  18. 18
    TonyB
    Posted March 31, 2007 at 3:36 pm

    I hear that the hairdresser for American Idol is DEAN BANOWETZ. They should bring him out on stage to receive an applause from the audience for creating such a great “do” on Sanjaya and all the past and present Idols.

  19. 19
    chief113
    Posted April 1, 2007 at 6:34 am

    “If Sanjaya wins, we’re all screwed.” Nerrawllehctim, I hope you are a 12 year old girl, or Eric the Midget because that sounds so pathetic. How is your life “screwed” if Sanjaya wins a reality show? Simon is right. It doesn’t matter what he says anymore. What he says is insignificant. He does not control American Idol, Howard Stern and his fans do. “PLEASE VOTE FOR SANJAYA!” – Eric the Homophobic Midget

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