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Friday, March 16, 2007
5:34 am
23 Comments
Recapping the American Idol results show for the first time was very interesting for me, because I usually fast forward through more than half of it. I like to think of myself as above sitting through the Florida dinner theater style production numbers and drawn out torture of innocent kids. Well, tonight I learned that I’ve been a fool. One thing I like to do when I watch TV is laugh, and this episode had me giggling so loud the downstairs neighbor pounded a broomstick on her ceiling and yelled “I have a baby!” I stomped on the floor and yelled back “Yeah! A LOUD one!” Stupid ho. Like it’s my fault her husband refuses to wear a condom.
After tonight’s display of fros, mos, and old ladies in their underwear, I think I might start watching ONLY the results show. And now, without further adieu, ladies and gentelmen, THIS. Is American Idol!
Tink starts off the show by pointing out that Simon is showing a little too much of his boobs (Simon has hair on his chest! I’d figured him for a waxer) and presenting a clip of last night’s “Come out of the closet, Ryan!” PSA. This clip has been all over the news shows for the past couple of days. Someone confessed to orchestrating the 9/11 attacks, but at water coolers across the country people are chattering about whether or not Tink is a homo, as if it had never crossed their minds til Wednesday night. The first time the Crest’s face flashed on my TV screen I pictured him on his back in a bathhouse, but what do I know about bath houses? Wait. How did we get here?
The boys start off the Diana Ross Tribute number shakily. Phil can’t seem to groove in rhythm, so he compensates by smiling real big and oozing white boy all over the stage. Chris Sligh is the only guy who nails it, even when he sings with Sanjaya and Brandon, who both forget their words. I know there are strict guidelines in the American Idol format, but we should get at least another week of kicking four people off. There’s way too much Amateur Hour for this stage of the game. They auditioned one billion people and we’re stuck with these grunts? The homeless guy in front of the Starbucks I go to is more entertaining than a few of these guys. No, seriously. His rendition of “Celebration” is both rousing and heart breaking. And it smells like old brie and sweaty socks.
Haley and Gina shakily try to prove themselves, but Doolittle knocks it out of the park. The audience goes crazy for her. Atta girl. LaKisha and Stephanie do well, even though it sounds like Stephanie’s having a mild asthma attack as she gulps for air three times in one line. Breathe, girl! Jordin Sparks kicks ass in the group song, and since I pissed off some Christian values wacko with my comments that Jordin needed to slut it up, I’d like to mention that Jordin did slut it up a bit tonight, but just the right amount. Pretty sleeveless short dress, with leggings to boot. She’s found a sexy/cute compromise. See, Christian values wacko? We can both be right! HEART.
The dancing is cheesy and atrocious, and as usual, the Elimination Night number is the funniest, most craptacular five minutes on TV. Even Michael Rapaport approves! Tonight’s Ford commercial is Modest Mouse’s “Float On”. I’ll let the pictures speak for themselves here except to note that the role of Chris Sligh is played by John Goodman.
LaKisha and Glockson are spared, but Brandon is called to the stage to stand in the Bottom Three. He makes at least five different cutsie “oh, well” faces at the audience. Calm down, dude. The votes are already counted. Jordin and Chris R are safe, and of course so is Doolittle. The audience goes nuts for her again and she does us the favor of not “gee wiz, me?”-ing us. Atta girl. So far, so good. Poor Phil’s not having a very good night. He danced like a retard, his stylist put him in a golf outfit, and to top it all off, he’s in the bottom three. Yes, he’s a freakish looking cracker. Yes, he bug eyes you and makes bucktooth faces. And yes, he’s got the personality of a glee club president, but at least he can sing! Come on, America! Chris, Stephanie and Blake are spared, which leaves Sunjaya and Haley. They are left to stew for a bit and we are treated to an Idol Challenge! Each week, the producers ask us a simple multiple choice question so we can text in our answers for ninety nine cents. I’m impressed that the Simons have found a way to make even more money off stupid poor people. The question is “Who did Simon predict would sell more albums than any other Idol?
I spent nine dollars voting for Phyllis. Cross your fingers for me! And now the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Miss Diana Ross! The back screens open and there she is, in all her glory. Her dress is transparent, so thank God she has that ginormous red boa thing to cover up with. 
She teeters in her pose and lets the audience’s confused applause wash over her. I wait for her to trip on her dress as she claps her hands and nasally screeches “Hey! Hey!” Good Lord, Diana. Couldn’t you just put together a nice video clip? She throws down the red chintz anaconda boa and gives “More Than Yesterday” her best effort. She can’t breathe after those long and dangerous four steps she took, but she doesn’t let it stop her from violently murdering her own song. I giggle myself into a near lung collapse as she cracks and wails off-key. I didn’t think anything would ever top the memory of my mother standing on a pool table singing “Like a Virgin” with a plastic microphone in one hand and a bottle of Grey Goose in the other at one of her drunken karaoke parties, but Miss Ross, you did it. When she’s done, America turns their TVs back up and Tink asks her who’s going home tonight. She answers “Me!” You’re certainly the most deserving.
In a shocking twist, Haley is spared and Sanjaya is called onstage to round out the bottom three. You’re slackin’, India. Phil is told he’s safe, but you wouldn’t know it from his face. He looks pretty pissed that he was there in the first place. The throngs of screaming girls make him feel a little better, and he salutes the audience to remind us that he loves his country! Ok, we get it. We’re sorry for kinda hating you anyway. Now sit. Down. Sanjaya is spared, which means Brandon’s out. Aw. Poor guy. He wasn’t great, but he seemed like a genuinely nice person and it’s sad to hear him talk about people finally believing that he’s more than just a backup singer. I pull out some tissues for his final performace and DELETE RECORDING? DAMNED FOX!!!!! They cut off the end to try and trick us all into watching the hacky, drecky Til Death. EW. NEVER, do you hear me? I’ll miss every final performance of every single episode! I refuse to put that idiot virus into my Tivo’s mind. I was in such a good mood and you RUINED IT, FOX! BASTARDS!
Back it up, Brandon
Since I didn’t see the song, I will assume that Brandon looked disappointed and gave it his very bland all. Please tell me he at least remembered the lyrics this time. What do you guys think? Did Brandon deserve to get sent home? Did we deserve the shot of Miss Ross in her undies? Did Brad Garrett deserve another show?
TV Social
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23 Comments
Flipit, I love you. That was awesome.
Only your second one and it was hilarious! I laughed the whole time I was reading it. I thought Ms. Ross’s dress and the butchering of her own song was the funniest part of the night. I agree that Brandon didn’t do well but Sanjaya’s still there…really? Great recap!
very funny recap, I too enjoy watching the “craptacular” group performance just for its awfulness.
Fyi, none of us saw Brandon’s final performance because they cut it off…
I have to say – this has to be the worst final 12 in the history of this show. This is the first and only time I’ve felt moved to vote for the worst because everyone is so bad (yes, I called in for Sanjaya). No Neck is of course good but sheesh, she can’t carry the show.
Oh Flipit. You. Are my. AMERICAN IDOL! I’m so glad you are recapping a show that I actually watch.
And you didn’t miss any performance at the end. Brandon was cut off before the song intro even began. And then I threw myself on the remote like a frightened ostrich to change the channel ’cause there is no way any self-respecting person will watch ‘Til Death. I mean, come ON!
Brandon, you were a snoozefest since the top 24. No big whoop that your gone.
Oh Flipit! Totally hysterical! I almost spewed coffee all over my keyboard when I read “Stupid ho. Like it’s my fault her husband refuses to wear a condom.” … among other extremely funny comments.
Diana Ross was heinous. I’m sure it cost Simon a lot to have to stand up and applaud such a mediocre performance. Could you imagine what he would have said if he’d had to judge that performance? She was really stinkaroonie!
I hope all results shows are 30 minutes … it was great that Tink just raced by the “you’re safe” stuff instead of repeating “the judges said blah blah, America voted and …” It gets so old.
Keep it up, Flipit. What a great way to start a Friday!
Flipit, hilarious recap. Totally makes it worth sitting through the results show, which is at least mercifully down to 30 minutes. Mrs. JasonR and I were actually watching this thing live (I can’t recall why) but we were laughing at the final indignity visited upon Brandon when the show ran long and he didn’t even get his farewell song broadcast.
SweetJ (#3), I agree this is a pretty weak top 12, but in most past seasons there are at least 4 or more of the top 12 who really have no business being out there, and only 3 or so legitimate contenders who would be deserving winners.
dude, you are the new EdHill. Is it sacriledge that I love you more than B-side? *don’t throw bottles at me!*
Haha great recap, Flipit. I, along with most of America, was greatly relieved that I only had to sit through half an hour of a results show, although it was kind of ridiculous how they crammed all of the important stuff into the last 2 minutes of the show. I could have done without a Miss Ross performance.
Sanjaya should have gone home, but at least we know he’s not getting very many votes….which leads me to wonder exactly how effective votefortheworst.com is.
You know a recap is pretty good when you don’t even watch the show, and it still cracks you up.
The split framed picture with the caption “Kelly Clarkson, Phyllis Diller or Taylor Hicks” damn near killed me.
Hilarious recap, flipit. It was laugh out loud funny. I loved the Phyllis reference!
Please tell me you are recapping Dancing with the Stars!!!!!!1
Pretty please.
‘You’re slackin’, India.’ made me laugh
Umm, GIFFORDSAZ your post is funny. I understand how to vote. I’m a 30 something ivy leage undergrad and b’school educated woman – so have learned all about how to execute the phone vote for insipid reality tv shows that I watch religiously!!
…I’m just saying. I’ve never been so bothered by the high percentage of crappy singers so that I felt moved to sabatoge the show by voting for the worst singers — and toe-tapping, elbow-flapping, soft-singing, gentle hip swaying, young Sanjaya is definitely horrible!! (even if he does seem like a nice kid).
Loved the recap. The photo captions are fabulous … and how hysterical is the Tinkerbell photo?! Seacrest Out!
I thought Diana Ross’ performance was horrendous. She sounded horrible, wobbled around like she drunk and she could barely answer the Crest’s questions.
sweet j, I understand that you have a right to vote and all; but I don’t get the entire “wasting of time” you are doing if you truly don’t care for any of them. Why satisfy the show with more votes if you are not satisfied with what you have been given? THIS is what makes no sense to me. Who does the joke fall on in this situation? The corporation making millions of dollars no matter what contestant advances or the single individual wasting another half an hour voting for the “worst” to stick it to the big guy? It is almost a toss-up to me. Almost.
Brandon needed to go home because he was B-O-R-I-N-G. It is as simple as that. It is better to be a bad singer on this show than it is to be boring and unmemorable.
Great recap, Flipit! I expected Haley there in the bottom 3 (and wanted her to go home more than Brandon), but oh well. Sanjaya doesn’t seem to be pulling too well either anymore. This may or may not be the worst final round ever (let’s not forget Season 1), but at least Melinda is there.
She’s worth watching the entire season for.
And I think someone already mentioned it, but yeah, none of us saw a single note of Brandon’s performance cause they cut it a bit close on time. My clock was already at :30 past when Brandon’s tribute video ended.
Yay! Sanjaya didn’t go home! I am nearly breaking my fingers voting for him each and every week!
Not really, but if I voted, it would be for him, because if he won, I would never stop laughing.
Your summary busted me right up, except I disagree with you about Phil. Boy can’t sing for shit. He can hit exactly one note, and he bends the rest of them over and rapes them anally.
I know this because I have ears. I hope Nosferatu goes next week.
GO SANJAYA!
I thought I saw on TV that Howard Stern is telling his fan base to vote for Sanjaya too? Between that and votefortheworst.com, we may have a winner!
I think all TVgasm readers should vote Sanjaya. Would be a riot if he won!
KH
Wearing my Team Sanjaya T-Shirt
Flipit you are the SHIT! I thought your Ugly Betty recaps were dope…nothing can top your AI recaps
That stupid ho comment had expresso coming out of my nose…
Diana Ross has never been able 2 sing but you can’t deny her star power…she is bat shit crazy though…I think Paula has found a new BFF
Uggh. Why did Brandon keep making those “what-can-you-do” faces. For some reason I found him really smarmy and irritating. I’m glad he was voted off.
I’m with mediawhore. Nosferatu must go soon. Can someone please do a side-by-side with the above screen cap and Max Schreck. I honestly believe the resemblence is uncanny.
Great job Flipit. I really hope you have no real-life obligations…because you have been conscripted into the tvgasm recapping one-man army. Don’t ask…but tell anyway. I know, right?
well, a lot of people seem to agree that it would be hilarious if Sanjaya went far.
Any chance to stick it to the man, especially fox, and especially if the show is providing us with lots of crap talent, is welcome! (and is even worth 30 seconds of my time to vote — I often don’t bother but am more inspired then ever to vote for Sanjaya
Well my mind is at ease Sweet just knowing you are devious and not stupid! I can appreciate the love of sticking it to the man as well as the next girl.
Hopefully some of these singers will get over the bad song choice, nervous ticks and memory problems so the show can progress into an enjoyable product.
I do think they could have a sweep week where they get rid of 4 at once to put some of us out of our misery… but then what would we piss about?
“I hope Nosferatu goes next week.”
Oh my friggen Jesus! that’s brilliant–i’ve been trying to think of a good doppleganger for Phil!! I’ve been referring to him as a praying mantis (he looks like a praying mantis to me) but Nosferatu friggen rocks!!!! lol, i dont want him to go home before Hailey though, that mofo must go home!