American Idol: Smiling Faces, Beautiful Places, and Plenty of Damn Losers

This week American Idol drops in on Charleston, South Carolina, home of the Morris Island Lighthouse and some of the greatest golf courses in the country. Not to mention a mean pepper steak at any of the 17 local area Waffle Houses. Does Charleston bring it? Let’s find out after this here jump, ya’ll.

You’re a dumbass.

Ryan Seacrest lets us know that more than 10,000 people showed up to audition in Charleston. All of them were polite and genteel, except the 9,847 bitches that somehow snuck through.

First up this episode is supposed to be Oliver Hymen. Oliver’s last name may have one, but his wife sure doesn’t since she’s 37 weeks pregnant and picks the most inopportune time to have her water break. This golf loving, obvious P-whipped adorable cub has to leave the auditions to begrudgingly take his wife to the hospital hoping to return after his wife poops out the baby.

Women and their problems…

Rashad Henderson, an unemployed late 1970′s Michael Jackson impersonator, came up from Atlanta to audition and from his running man dance I can already tell this isn’t going to go well. His friends call him the black Clay Aiken but this guy isn’t hiding his homosexuality nearly as well. Rashad chooses to sing “I Can’t Make You Love Me,” a lovely subdued ballad from fire-haired songstress Bonnie Raitt, but Rashad puts some stank on it! He belts out the song like Michael Bolton with a cattle prod in his urethra. The judges all feel that his performance was over the top and could benefit from some soothing chamomile tea. Rashad leaves to post a message about his experience on his Claymate fanpage message board while teasing out his fro.

You can’t even make me tolerate you, boner.

Next up is DeAnna Privett who looks like Christina Ricci after a weekend bender in Reno. Deanna is a waitress from the same small town as country girl and tone def minx Kelly Pickler. Deanna said she likes Kelly’s songs but unlike Kelly, Deanna can’t strut around in high heels because of the Privett family curse of bird-like ankle bones.

When she walks in the room, Simon takes a moment to ask DeAnna who are the worst customers in her restaurant. Deanna insists that the all-you-can-eat-lovers on Sunday are the worst because they demand a lot and give her a dollar when she’s done, like a hooker in Beijing. Deanna sings “Fancy” by another fire-haired crooner, Reba McEntire. Obviously the fact that the CW’s Reba has run for 19 seasons has pissed of DeAnna too, since she violently rumbles through the song with her brows furrowed using 1980′s inspired “power fists.” All three judges pass on DeAnna and she exits with a frustrated eye roll before heading back to the Old Country Buffet for her double shift.

More rolls, please.

Crystal Ortiz and Randy Stark arrive at the auditions together having met where all ugly people meet: on the American Idol message boards. Crystal and Randy come into the audition room together to sing “She’s More” by Andy Griggs. The song is a duet about lowering your standards and settling for someone that’s only mildly decent when you can’t get anyone better. It’s kind of their song. Randy cuts them off in the middle and insists that the song was pure torture and watching them kiss wasn’t any better. The judges congratulate them on their relationship but turn them down for a trip to Hollywood.

I would like to thank you in advance for the butt ugly children you’re gonna make the rest of us deal with.

Brother and sister team Michelle and Jeffrey Lampton are next and I’m already terrified based on their freestyle song and dance number for Ryan. KFC enthusiast Jeffrey proves that he’s a party animal by wearing a necktie around his head, obviously unable to find a lamp shade. Future Cops witness Michelle is the more subdued of the two but no less annoying.

The pair choose to sing “I’m Your Angel” by R. Kelly and Celine Dion and in my opinion neither have the vocal ability or affinity for watersports. Simon surprisingly gives high marks, ranking Jeffrey above Michelle, but saying he likes both of them. Randy approves Jeffrey but feels Michelle is needed more at the late shift at Dunkin Donuts than in Hollywood. Paula surprisingly disagrees and approves both as does Simon. They’re going to Hollywood!

Good to see ReRun found someone. Must be the tie.

The cameras chose to follow Oliver and his knocked up wife on their way to the hospital. Mama Hymen is surprisingly calm as Oliver attempts to use his Mapquest print out to find the hospital with no luck. She tries her best to clench as Oliver asks TomTom for directions.

Back at the auditions a cadre of no-neck wannabes are slaughtering Carrie Underwood’s hit “Before He Cheats.” One gingham-loving hillbilly with a squirrely looking mustache continues to read the lyrics from his cheat sheet and another Macy Gray-loving hoochie makes up the lyrics giving some back story to why she used that Louisville slugger on his headlights.

Next up is Amy Katherine Flynn, a cheerleader, mean girl, self proclaimed virgin and all around square. She belongs to a group that goes to different schools and gives speeches about abstaining from sex, drugs and alcohol and encouraging the other kids to be as lame as she is. Before she sings, I already hate her as much as I hated that pretty boy from last week that was 21 and oddly proud of the fact that he had never kissed a girl. It’s a waste of perfectly good nubile flesh in my opinion.

Before they let her sing, Randy and Paula ask Amy to give Simon a speech to encourage him to abstain from sex. During Amy’s speech I go out and have anonymous sex twice. When I come back home Amy is singing a Christina Aguellera song and may be doing a decent job, but my hatred for her taints my opinion. Paula immediately gives Amy a “yes” but Simon brings her back down to Earth saying that Amy was only OK, but still gives her a yes. Randy begrudgingly approves as well so Amy is off to Hollywood, land of abstinence.

Are ya horny now?

The Hymen’s finally find the hospital and Mama is admitted to a room with the camera’s hot on her heels. Oliver is just looking frustrated that not only is he missing his audition but will now be burdened with a wife and a new screaming mouth to feed. At this point he’s really kicking himself for ever breaking up with Peter.

Back at the auditions the final contestant of the day is warming up in the hallway. London Wiper tells the story of…….wait. Wiper? Seriously? OK. Anyway, London gives her sob story about losing her dad and putting her dreams on hold to take care of him. London warbles the Billy Holiday classic “Good Morning Heartache” and I know even before she sings that she’s a shoe in. She’s hot, has a sad story and works in the music industry. I’m once again right, and all three judges send her through to Hollywood.

Some FrizzEase might have made all the difference.

The second day of auditions starts and all the judges are hopeful that day two doesn’t suck nard as much as the first one. Lindsay Goodman, U.S. Airforce pilot and all around babe, is up first. She chooses to sing “Black Velvet” by Alaina Miles and sadly does a “meh” performance. Paula tells Lindsay that she sees her nerves getting the better of her, Simon tells her that she’s too cabaret and Randy tells her that he’s staying in room 504 at the airport Hilton. Unfortunately it’s back to the barracks for Lindsay.

It’s time to bring in the big guns for the competition so Aretha Cadner enters the scene. I’ll admit that I know very little about bras, but if I were to guess this one’s at least a triple Q, making even Randy blush. To prove her mettle Aretha chooses to sing Whitney Houston’s “I Have Nothing” which, after her performance, sadly includes a golden ticket. Simon insults Aretha’s clothes, taste and singing ability but Aretha is reluctant to believe it. After three no’s Aretha refuses to leave and thinks she can argue her way into a ticket to Hollywood but fails miserably. Aretha is sent home in the loving arms of her waiting gang member.

Shoulda kept her around for Idol Gives Back. She could have fed a village.

Joshua Boson is up next. I’ve seen Jocks and Cocks 4, Buttman and Throbbin as well as Napolean Blew My Bone Apart, and this dude is still the gayest thing I’ve ever seen. Joshua screams out an off key, epileptic version of “And I Am Telling You” by former Idol loser, and Oscar winner Jennifer Hudson. When the judges giggle and tell him he’s horrible, Joshua is indignant to their disdain. He offers to sing something else, a little Gloria Gayner perhaps, but they refuse to let him inflict that on them again.

Joshua finally has that breakdown that’s been coming since they cancelled Golden Girls and tells the judges that they don’t know what talent is and the only realistic answer is that the show is fake and rigged. As Paula tries to deliver a calming let-down speech Joshua walks out and pushes the door open as hard as he can to exit dramatically like Diane Carol on Dynasty might do. When outside the judging room he goes into a tirade about how the judges said he sucked and everyone in South Carolina sucked and how much he thinks American Idol sucks. Joshua insists that his talent is too big for American Idol and will return when World Idol hits the airwaves in search of new “talentses.” Renew your subscription to Tiger Beat now. Joshua is going to be YUGE.

Duh, queen. The tie goes on your head.

We get a montage of all the horrible contestants, including the costume lovers, funny hat wearers, sign carriers and general fuglies. A lot of tears are shed and a fair amount of fingers are flipped but no one is sent to Hollywood for quite a while.

Oliver Hymen is back for day 2 with his wife carrying their newborn baby girl, Emma Grace, swaddled in a pink blankie. Atleast they didn’t name her Idol or, God forbid, Paula. Oliver finally gets the chance to sing and falsettos his way through “Get Here” but sadly blows it. All three judges give Oliver a no, but luckily he has a new tax deduction to look forward to.

Sorry, you’re actually going to stay home and take care of the brat.

Day 2 is over and only 23 contestants from South Carolina made it through to the next round. Personally I didn’t notice any standouts and I’m really upset that Oliver didn’t freakin’ rock it and get a chance to escape his family prison.

What did you think? Anybody you love? Who did you hate? Are you as anxious as I am to get to the good part in Hollywood? The auditions are almost over and that’s when things really start to get fun. In the meantime, do us a favor and leave a comment.