Recap: American Idol Results: BFF

Tuesday night was one of the best shows of the season, with even the suckiest of the remaining contestants pulling off a good performance. Well, except for Jordin, but her screeching mess was way more entertaining than a home run. I snorted so much TrimSpa powder while I watched that I’m still awake, nervously awaiting the results. Since the two weeks totals were combined, tonight could be a shocker exit. It doesn’t help that last night we were reminded just how wrong the American people can be.

Like it or not, fate is in our hands. This isn’t recess, people. This! Is Amercian Idol!Tink tells us to fasten our seat belts, because tonight two people are getting the axe. The show is an hour again this week, but don’t worry, he says, because there will be no filler. Then he starts reading ads from the Yellow Pages and teaching us how to do a filap ball change. He asks the Judges what made Rock Night work. Randy gives the kids credit for “workin’ it out!” Paula attempts to form a sentence, but Simon won’t stop poking at her. She finally says “I’m not your hand puppet!” Tink says “I’ve seen his hand puppet, and you’re way prettier.” I agree.

Simon is offended that Tink attacked his girlfriend and insists that he apologize. Tink says “You’re girlfriend’s your puppet?” This whole thing gets worse and worse. Unfortunately, Simon drops it and we move on to Tink flitting around the Farmer’s Market asking “real people” what they think about last night’s show. Jordin gets dissed pretty hard, and Blake, Doolitte and LaKisha get high marks. Blake even has “Blaker Girls”. Oh, please let that can catch on so I can post more pictures like this.

I am so embarrassed that Tink caught me on camera when I was zoning out at the Grove Wednesday morning. I thought I was trippin’, but it turns out the whole thing was real.

Tink points out “Simon in Barbados”.

LOL, fairy. Back in the studio, Tink asks Blake how he comes up with such crazy original shit, and Blake says he brought along a mini studio and rocks it out with Timby Cake in his down time. Cute! He moves on to Jordin. Would she have done anything differently? She giggles like Ed McMahon’s at the door.

Powder tells us he’s a pastor’s son and grew up on Christian music. That’s your market, Powder. RUN! No one applauds, but he says “Thank You!” anyways. Tink asks LaKisha how Simon’s kiss was, and she says she’d do it again. Tink tells her to watch out. Simon has a girlfriend and takes it very seriously. Simon laughs way too hard at this, and it makes me uncomfortable. We’ve never seen Simon like this. He’s a school girl!

Uhhhhh…Check please!

WHO IS HIS GIRLFRIEND? Someone please post trashy pics as soon as possible. Powder cheers the audience and LaKisha wins bonus points when she looks at him like he’s an idiot.

Tink announces the one and only Jennifer Hudson! Wow! She looks great! I am a little disappointed that she turns in a taped pledge beg instead of a live performance, but I’ll take what I can get! I love you J Hud!

Next up is a performance by our guest staahhhh. Robin Thicke!! What the…? My skin started crawling until I realized Robin Thicke isn’t the dad from Growing Pains. It’s that dudes real life son. Alan Thicke won the hearts of horny housewives all over America with his deep voice, so I find it hilarious that his son is rebelling against him by singing entirely in a little girl falsetto. Tink tells us that he has the number one R&B single in the country right now, and I’m afraid that this kid could single handedly bring the bus boy half-stache into fashion. Robin Thicke must be stopped!

To make these results shows worth our time, they should let the Judges have a crack at the Guest Staaahs. If this kid was as the auditions for AI, his ass would have been ridiculed and mocked by the entire country. Ah, well. Being Alan Thicke’s son must be punishment enough (look what happened to Kirk Cameron), so I give him a pass and stifle the urge to gay bash my TV. It’s not his fault he looks like a sensitive lesbian version of Dr. Seaver.

Did you know that Idol Cares? From now until… forever Eastern Standard Time you can call in credit card donations. Need the number? Well good luck, cuz Fantasia’s in the house to try and read it to you. She enunciates the phonics like a pro (fifth grader) and when she gets through it without stopping she nods at the camera like “that’s right bitches! Tasia reads!”

This week’s Ford commercial is a Circus theme. Only American Idol can make “Paint it Black” sound like it was written for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. They better hope Keith Richards doesn’t hear about this. He’ll snort someone alive.

Tink tells us that the combined weeks votes total over 135 million. Holy CRAP. Doolittle, of course is safe, leaving LaKisha and Powder standing next to each other. Was the dirty look from earlier all in my head?

Powder’s out. He doesn’t seem surprised, and he shows no emotion. He just flashes LOVE at the crowd and points to each audience member individually as he sings “Blaze of Glory”. He walks toward his wife but grasps on to his Navy buddies first.

When he makes it over to kiss his cute wife, his little buddy is clearly over it.

What’s awesome is that the real Powder went out in a blaze of glory too at the end of the movie. He saved someone’s life and then ran into a lightning storm. Aw. Congrats, Mr. Stacey. You did a commendable job. I look forward to hearing you while I wait on hold for the gd cable people.

Now for the Idol Challenge! Who’s not really a girl?

Tink let’s Jordin sit down instead of torturing her like last week. Darn! It’s between Blake and Cake, and you know Blake’s not goin’ anywhere. He’s hipandcool. Timby seems to know it and whispers into Blake’s ear while Tink draws his patter out as long as possible. Before we find out, Bon Jovi takes the stage and sings a song about making memories and doing lines. It’s soft and sweet, and fitting right before Timby Cake’s sent packing, Jon Bon blows some notes out of his nose so hard the center of his face pulses. Nasal singing is an artform!

Taylor Hicks comes on in his taped pledge beg and since i haven’t seen him outside of Idol, I haven’t experienced calm normal Taylor. I just remember him wooing, twitching, and slapping his knee a lot. He thanks America for giving him the chance to sing across the country and asks for our help making a child’s dream come true too so we can turn around and crush it, just like we did his. Those were some good times, eh?

Back to results. Timby and Blake stand center stage and do the finger diddle. Paula runs up and sits on their hands like a swing.

Tink asks them about being so chummy. They tell him they’re best friends. Awwwwww! Timby says he’d even go home for Blake. That’s big of you, cuz you’re about to. I have to point out that Chris has been grabbing his peepee the entire show. I get that he’s going for hip-hop, but tell me he’s not stifling a boner. It doesn’t matter who goes, because they’re both going on tour! I hope they record an album together. Both of them singing off key might make a strange new harmony that will rock the world!

I hope so, because my world isn’t gonna turn the same without my Cake boy. If a little wiggy wiggy can beat a cute little bubble butt, I don’t know the difference between up and down anymore. Timby takes it well and growls it out one last time. He doesn’t sound any better than he did last night, but the shot he gives me has already been faxed to Kinko’s to be blown up to poster size. Can’t miss someone when they’re singing to you from your wall every day. Good job, Timby Cake.

Melinda sways back and forth as he sings like she’s praying hard. You better pray, cuz next week’s Boogie Night with Barry Gibb. Good luck with that.