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Every once in a while, a letter comes through to TVgasm which I feel an obligation to print. It has been a while since I deemed one worthy of publication. In fact, not since Jesus’ letter have I felt compelled to print one. But after reading this letter, I was nearly moved to tears by this writer’s plight. I felt a duty to share.
What follows is the tragic tale of a young vicodin tablet, just trying to survive his journey until his expiration date comes.
Letter after the jump….From: Vic@myfamiliesbeeneaten.us
Date: Wed, 13 April, 2005 01:52:43 EDT
Subject: Paula Is Killing My Family
Normally, you guys like to make a lot of jokes, but my mommy and daddy and several of my brothers and sisters are missing and I need your help or I’m afraid I may be next.
I used to have a condo in a big pharmacy complex, but then the bad man in the white coat and relocated me, mom and dad and all my family into this mobile home. Initially it was very exciting; me and 29 of my family members moved into a very cool neighborhood. I was super excited to see Paula Abdul live and in person. I used to hear her musack when we lived at the pharmacy all the time. When we relocated to her area, I used to pretend to be asleep and would peak out and saw a naked Paula Abdul, playing “opposites attract” drinking Jack Daniels out of a bottle while playing tea party with cardboard cut outs of Simon Cowell and the young boys of America Idol (you know, the ones daddy calls faygalas).
This was all very exciting to see until she walked to our home and pulled out Mommy and three of my brothers. I thought they were so lucky, there were gonna get to play with Paula Abdul….but then….she ate them. I cried and cried. Why would Paula Abdul eat my family?
Since that night, I learned a new word. Daddy taught it to me. It’s called “genocide.” Paula Abdul is to the Odin family what Hitler was to the Jews. I’m the youngest of 28 pills. Before Lisa was eaten, she told me I should have been allowed to live my childhood, that pills my age shouldn’t know words like “genocide” and “swallowing” and “refills remaining.” “Refills Remaining” is basically the promise of more death by ingestion!
This is a caricature drawn of me and my family when we first moved into our new home. We’re so happy. This is a photo of my home now. I’m so scared. It’s just me. I’m alone and scared. Please, TVgasm. Publish this letter, so when I’m gone my story will live on.
And to Paula Abdul, stop eating my family. Sometimes, under extreme conditions, my family is willing to give our lives to take away your pain; for when the pain is unbearable. But you can’t just eat us to take away the pain of a fallen career, faded looks, perma-smile face lift, and lack of charisma. After listing some of your traits and seeing them on paper, maybe I should introduce you to my cousin Cy. He’s a nice guy, look him up under Cy Anide.
Scared and alone in Paula Abduls Purse