We’re Back!

American Idol

By Papi | Thursday, February 9, 2006 | 5:02 pm | 25 Comments

idol2-8-05aAt last, we are home again.

Watching those audition episodes I didn’t think I was going to make it. I remember a time when they used to be fun–back when people really did audition because they thought they could sing. But now, people are just there to look stupid so they can get on TV. In the 90’s, you got into a fight on a daytime talk show; in the new millenium, you give a bad audition on American Idol. The famous Andy Warhol quote should be amended to fit the time times: now it seems everyone will be famous for 30 seconds. Blech.So yeah, there was another “audition episode” on Tuesday, in Boston. Want a synopsis? Here it is: a bunch of imbeciles went to Boston and acted like idiots. Ta da! That’s all you need to know.

But Wednesday was the first “Hollywood” episode, and now we see the light. We finally get the people who can actually sing, people who aren’t spanking themselves or singing with their puppets or wearing clown costumes. We’re back to the good ol’ days, of wannabes singing their heads off with everything they’ve got and making desperate excuses when they aren’t up to snuff. Ahh, this is the American Idol I love. These people who fight for their lives like gladiators facing the lion, refusing to go down without their pride. For those who put on a good show, you want to applaud and save their lives to fight another day.

Of course, some people we want to feed to the lions and watch them suffer. From the start we got jerk-off Ronnie “RJ” Norman once again, who (once again!) went beyond the acceptible level of “I’m gonna win this” bravado by informing the world of his superiority. Me no likey this guy. Even through my TV, he makes my skin crawl. So it was with great satisfaction that I watched him sing, blow kisses at Paula like he knew she couldn’t resist, and then get cut right away because he kinda sucked. Yea! And he cried. That made me laugh a little. I’m a terrible person, I revel in the misfortune of others. But only those people I don’t like, so that’s okay, right?

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RJ can now go back to the lucrative Freddie Prinze Jr. impersonation circuit.

Also cut at the first round was Steven David, the bald military guy who, in his first audition, picked up Paula and carried her out of the room while singing “Let’s Get It On.” His demise wasn’t as much fun. Whiny voice aside, I rather enjoyed him. He needs to audition for Thunder From Down Under or something, he’d be perfect as a singing stripper. He already has the military costume, if nothing else.

But then came a block of feel-good stories: first, (already a household name) Paris Bennett holla-ed out “Can’t Fight The Moonlight” a bit forced at times, but there were moments that were good. She’ll be interesting to watch. Heck, she already is. We also got to see Taylor Hicks again, the gray-haired guy who sang like Joe Cocker; Simon hated his weird facial expressions, but Taylor had a pretty good voice in his first audition and Paula stuck up for him. Could he pull it off on this first day of Hollywood? Yes. Singing “First Cut Is The Deepest,” he was fabulous. He’s the new Clay Aiken, with his atypical voice and his desperate need for a makeover. I see hair dye in his future. I also see him achieving Top 10 status.

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Taylor hopes to popularize the Mark Cuban haircut by the time this season is over.

“I sing to turkeys” Garrett Johnson edged his way a little further into our hearts, but not by singing. There were too many people there on the first day of Hollywood, so they were split up into two groups, and Garrett was in the group that toured LA first. The cameras followed Garrett on a voyage of exploration as if written by a Hallmark Channel executive: Garrett looking wistfully at the big beautiful world around him, Garrett jumping into the ocean with all his clothes on, Garrett waxing poetic on how he wished this moment would never end. Aw. It’s all just like a Kelly Clarkson song. I’m on Garrett’s side, I really am. But all the wistfulness of his segment made me really nervous for his singing later, like I was being set up for heartbreak. And sure enough, later in the episode when he finally sang, it was horrifying to hear him sound absolutely terrible. The judges took pity on him and let him stay, but only because he’s so darned cute. If you like Garrett, you better watch next week, because he’ll be gone very very soon.

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Others to watch next week: some girl named Megan freaked out because she got “laryngitis” and lost her voice; really, it was probably allergies from all the LA smog combined with nerves. After singing poorly, she yelled at the judges and informed them that she deserved another chance. They bought it, so she’s still in; we’ll see what happens. Then we also met Brett “Ace” Young, with his shaggy brown hair and lovely, lovely voice. They had lots of camera shots from behind Brett, perhaps to show his butt, perhaps to show all the girls in the audience jumping up and down and freaking out while he crooned. He’s like Constantine, except pleasing to the ear and with proper hygiene. Watch him, he’s definitely going to be around for a while, thanks to his command of the ladies. And somewhere in the world, RJ Norman has a raging headache.

Of course, this is American Idol, and we can’t go a single episode without some twins. Along came the Brittenum boys, who were charming in their Chicago audition, but were then been booted from the competition after being arrested for forgery and financial identity fraud. Oops! Even though the Brittenums have been removed from the competition, apparently this Hollywood episode was already edited with them in it. So it was like watching the walking dead, with the Brittenum boys puffing out their chests and talking smack about how they were going to blow up this Idol season. They were all over this episode, embarrassing themselves with their bad singing and their patronizing comments about other contestants. I’ll spare you the details. Gross.

But we ended on a high note, revisiting the familiar faces that have been pegged for Top 10 status all along. Big Black Mandisa wailed her way through unscathed; perky powerhouse Katherine McPhee blew the judges away once again; and bald-headed, cowboy-hat-wearing Chris Daugherty gave me chills as he screamed his way through his solo. I liked him the best. Yes, they followed Chris with that idiot Dave Hoover, who threw himself around the stage like he has a mental illness, but I am choosing to forget about him. For if it weren’t for Dave, this was almost a perfect episode of Idol. This is the show I love. And let the games begin. Release the lions!

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About

25 Comments

  1. 1
    BrugaCMH
    Posted February 9, 2006 at 5:33 pm

    So? Real World and American Idol have become the same? Sucked after Season 2 or 3. Bring back Heather B!!!! Kiss Kiss, Papi, You can walk EdHill down aisle at our wedding.

  2. 2
    missriss
    Posted February 9, 2006 at 6:40 pm

    Aw Dan, don’t let the haters get ya down. I’ve loved you since you told that stupid bitch it wasn’t hers to open up.

  3. 3
    Keyser Soze
    Posted February 9, 2006 at 7:31 pm

    Taylor Hicks, do NOT dye that hair. I love his style.
    Katherine McPhee is tied for #1 on my list, along with Taylor.
    I also tend to think Paris could go far on her own, with her connections. Which makes me think of her as less of an “unknown talent”. Even though she is guaranteed top 10, I’m not that excited about her.

  4. 4
    zoobabe
    Posted February 9, 2006 at 9:37 pm

    I agree with you Keyser. Taylor and Katherine are my top faves too.

    I wish we could see the tape of the AI producers telling the twins to hit the road. Maybe they’ll do a duet at their hearing.
    “Please Release Me”,”Jailhouse Rock”
    or how about “(Ball and) Chain of Fools”? I’ll stop now. :)

  5. 5
    TiTi
    Posted February 9, 2006 at 11:23 pm

    Big Black Mandisa. I should be offended and yet…I spit ice water all over my screen as I howled with laughter. You are going to make this season well worth watching. Keep it up!

  6. 6
    TinkerbellAPixie
    Posted February 10, 2006 at 2:54 am

    “But now, people are just there to look stupid so they can get on TV.”

    Hmm…isn’t THAT ironic?

  7. 7
    BigMax
    Posted February 10, 2006 at 5:57 am

    Great call on the Mark Cuban haircut. Now I know where I’ve seen that guy before…

  8. 8
    wendylooho
    Posted February 10, 2006 at 5:59 am

    I agree with the others, Taylor keep the color but you might want to think of another cut because you are going to go far.

  9. 9
    Lizardqueen
    Posted February 10, 2006 at 6:00 am

    Freddie Prinze Jr.+ Brad Pitt+ a baby orangutan =R.J. Norman

    Why no Grammy coverage? It was snarktastic!

  10. 10
    Chloe
    Posted February 10, 2006 at 7:09 am

    I wish Garrett brought the turkey to Hollywood with him- that would have been some great footage. Turkey on the plane, turkey at the Walk of Fame, turkey splashing around in the ocean- it would have been magical.

  11. 11
    tuna
    Posted February 10, 2006 at 8:57 am

    Taylor Hicks= Rober DeNiro in Awakenings
    I LOVE HIM!!! I hope he goes far! The crying cowboy, although endearing, does not have the voice to go to the end. Shame on the judges for keeping his hopes up..they should have cut him. since when does Simon have a soft spot for cuteness?

  12. 12
    Doodle
    Posted February 10, 2006 at 9:08 am

    Am I the only one who thinks RJ looks like one of the Lawrence brothers?

  13. 13
    jenny10girl
    Posted February 10, 2006 at 9:16 am

    Oh Chloe…when I was watching him I thought the same thing! I so wanted to see the turkey again…!!

  14. 14
    sweet j
    Posted February 10, 2006 at 9:36 am

    I actually am offended by “Big Black Mandisa.” Why through black in there? How is black adding anything to the description of her? Not nice Papi/Dan.

    …Taylor is favorite so far. I think to get broader audience he should die his hair. It won’t change his wonderful voice and weirdly endearing awkward movements.

    Also, he’s 29. You can’t help rooting for people who’ve actually experienced life vs the 16 and 17 year olds…

  15. 15
    Lizardqueen
    Posted February 10, 2006 at 10:15 am

    I’m EXTREMELY offended by your use of the following words: imbeciles, clown, puppets, desperate, jerk-off (very funny Dan), sucked, whiny, holla, turkeys, freaked, shaggy, brown, Constantine, twins, puffing, cowboy, and Dave Hoover. How could you do me like that? I’m calling the cops and my therapist, at once!

  16. 16
    Tiffany
    Posted February 10, 2006 at 10:29 am

    My personal fave is that bald dude with the the sideburns/goatee..
    What is up with that dude with the long brown hair staring at Paula extra long? Do I see another scandal????
    And how did the big twins make it but the little ones didn’t? Thought they were sooo much betta!!

  17. 17
    Aries
    Posted February 10, 2006 at 10:35 am

    I was happy when RJ was cut even though he didn’t sound as bad as Dan/Papi made him out to be. But he was sleazy and I’m glad he’s gone.

    Something curious about the Wednesday show: the absence of Ayla, the Boston Princess. She was the one with the TV personality mother, state senator father, and so-so voice who made it through to Hollywood despite the bitch-face she made when Simon told her that she wasn’t that good. Despite the excessive pimping on Tuesday night, they didn’t show her on Wednesday night. I hope that means she got cut but I suspect it means she moved on and will be sneaked into the top 10.

  18. 18
    happy_gal
    Posted February 10, 2006 at 11:09 am

    NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!! Taylor should under no circumstances dye his hair. He is hott-hott the way he is; with dyed hair he would look like any other schmo. He is my number one pick. That voice! OMG, I get teary-eyed every time he sings.

    Taylor, do not listen to those who do not understand your personal style. Stay the way you are, baby–that is what makes you a top contender.

  19. 19
    BrugaCMH
    Posted February 10, 2006 at 12:39 pm

    I am waiting for an EdHill comment. His mouth must still be full since our honeymoon in PTown.

  20. 20
    sweet j
    Posted February 10, 2006 at 1:11 pm

    Very funny Lizardqueen

    …you know what? Maybe you’re right happy_gal, I like his grey hair and love, love, love his voice. I was just thinking that the youngsters who seem to call in a billion times might not get someone with grey hair…

  21. 21
    Lizardqueen
    Posted February 10, 2006 at 4:28 pm

    Oh sweet j, thank God you have a funny bone. “She wore her hideous bridesmaid’s dress from 4 summers ago.” Now THAT is an insult.

    I have missed Taylor Hicks both times. Curse the Grammy’s, which suck anyway. What a drag. He evokes Holden Caulfield which should appeal to teeny-boppers.

  22. 22
    Ed
    Posted February 10, 2006 at 8:27 pm

    Sorry, Papi. There was more than enough room for snark without going to a phony place.

    Megan said nothing to Sipandy until THEY asked. Now, did 19E tip off the judges? Probably.

    But all the pimping we saw was not her fault. The girl is clearly talented.

    If a snark is warranted, have at 19E and/or Sipandy for allowing a do-over. But don’t denigrate a performer who gave it her best, when not at her best.

  23. 23
    ldini79
    Posted February 10, 2006 at 9:01 pm

    i thought they did (briefly) show the senator’s daughter getting cut after a mediocre performance, but it was just harder to recognize her cause her hair was up in little buns on the top of her head. can anyone confirm? i’m curious too.

  24. 24
    Victoria
    Posted February 11, 2006 at 11:13 pm

    Is it just me or did Paula call Megan with the laryngitis “Sarah” after her performance? As far as Dave Hoover goes-they have medication for schizophrenia. How would you like to be his roommate in the hotel? I am so glad RJ and the military guy got cut-they were both foul. If your name is not Olivia Newton-John, you should not sing ‘Hopelessly Devoted To You.’ Everyone who sang that sounded terrible, and they were people with good voices. I am pretty sure that the producers could have reedited this episode to exclude the Brittenum twins-because I sure as hell didn’t want to see them. They were gross.

  25. 25
    Lizardqueen
    Posted February 14, 2006 at 6:08 pm

    Holy flipping buckets! Was that the craziest Idol ever? Or have I just not come down yet?

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