American Idol Results: Breaking Glass

Recaps

By Flipit | Thursday, April 29, 2010 | 1:42 pm | 16 Comments
Posted in: American Idol, Recaps

Tonight on American Idol, Green Mile eats a pizza, Shakira comes on stage without a bikini crutch, and no one shows up with a Canadian accent to confuse my ignorant ass.

Stop speaking Spanish! This ain’t Mexico yet, honey!


Tink comes out and blahs a bit, but it’s really fast cuz there’s so. Much. ENTERTAINMENT tonight. Let’s get to it! Randy is in a hot pink/orange sweater tonight, breaking from his Mr. Rogers mold. My five year old niece has like twenty outfits in this color. Janie and Jack to the rescue! Why is he pointing to the sky all the time? Is he crediting God? Cuz crediting God and bragging about your diamonds at the same time is sinful, no? Stop sinning Randy!

Ellen’s in a simple polo, and Skara is wearing giant silver earrings that represent sperm, I think. Someone’s in need of bread in her oven. I think having babies is wonderful. For some people. Not Skara, though. If she whines that much at forty imagine how bad her brat will be. Its first word will be “reeeeelevaaaant!”

 

Simon is in his typical baby tee. His face is the color of a Hot Pocket left in the microwave too long.

He even spray tans his palms. That’s called commitment.

Let’s start off with something really special! A new group of contestants that can sing on pitch and be engaging at the same time? A Nissan musical number? A switch to Tab? NO! The Rascal Flatts! They’re singing “Unstoppable”, and Skara is very excited. Her sperms start dancing on her head before the song even starts.

The lead singer’s opening riff is the best singing on the show this season. I like these guys. Their music is good, their lead singer eats, and they believe in combovers, fauxhawks and windy face eating bangs all in one cut.

Why have one child’s haircut when you can have three?

Country can get as pop-y as it wants to, but it still makes me feel guilty for not calling my Meemaw more. She’s probably sitting at home covering her ears wondering what happened to the Mandrell Sisters. That Rascal fellow can sure riff out of his nose well. I wonder what happens when he gets a head cold. Snot. EVERYWHERE. His vocals get a little shady as the song goes on. Verging on bad. But when he’s good he’s good. I just feel like I should be supportive of chunky people cuz we need to work too.

Shakira’s here, and she’s gonna sing with the Rascal Flatts later, which should be hilarious. Poor band is sweaty from standing in place for four minutes. Shakira’s gonna give them all heart attacks. Have you guys ever wondered what happens backstage at a Ford ad music video shoot? Me neither. Let’s find out anyway. This week’s theme is vampires. Thankfully, vampires are like humans in that they only have to wash their hair when they feel like it.

Poor thing. They added lipstick and figured she looked dead enough.

The makeup artist tells us that the goal was to make the kids look “like undead vampires.” As opposed to dead dead ones, cuz that would be redundant and who wants to drive a Ford with double dead in it? Who wants to drive a Ford? Little Chicken smiles while he gets makeup and says earnestly “I’ve never been a vampire before.” Then I hit my head on my desk. I don’t want to take anything away from makeup lady, cuz I know she’s doing the best she can, but some of this makeup is just bad.

Garfield got rabies.

 
Give Sio her teeth back!

And now for the vampire ad!

The vampires all come out in the daylight and disintegrate on the spot. Well that was anticlimactic. At least they won’t have to drive a Ford!

Green Mile is playing the victim cuz the producers are afraid of putting him in whiteface. Either because he would come of as racist or looking like Louie Anderson. Both reasons are valid.

Death is not an excuse to avoid the orthodontist.

Green Mile drives up in a Ford. Once the vampires stop laughing at him, they surround him to attack. He fights them…with a pizza. LOL!

Must have been a rough day at that personal trainer gig.

The vampires all disappear, leaving Green Mile to cruise for sex, or whatever the hell he’s doing driving around the forest alone at night with his top down. Man I wish there was more advertising on this show. Every second that passes by that isn’t plugging something is just a damn waste. Simon’s mortgage isn’t gonna pay itself. Wait! Here we go! A plug for the new Shrek movie! Tink has a role in it. Disney is so suing Dreamworks.

The contestants get to the voice set, and Doolittle is there to welcome them.

Little Chicken is already bored. He’s got little elf sideburns. The hairdressers on this show have a sense of humor, I’ll give them that.

 
Have you found Zelda yet?

Tink is even short in cartoons. The kids all get to do some lines for the Shrek characters and then watch a screening. Then they meet a throng of tiny little Doolittle fans. Man, kids are really into gospel these days, huh?

 
Praise the Lord!

Cameron Diaz and Antonio Banderas are here to plug the movie! Cameron babbles on about how deep Shrek is and how it’s about beginnings and endings. OK Beaches. Has Cameron Diaz ever seen herself in a movie? Shhhh, Cameron. Shhhhh. Inside Hacktor’s Studio. Tink points out that Antonio’s gotten kinda fat. How rude! Antonio says it’s cuz seeing himself looking so ugly in Shrek made him cryeat. In other words, Melanie Griffith is psycho and she’s sucking out his will to live.

Time for some results! Tink is forming three groups of two. Sio is first. She looks like she’s auditioning for a phone sex infomercial.

This is $3.99 a minute. Could you talk a little faster?

She tells Tink it was wicked cool to sing in front of Shania even if Simon said she sounded like a baby being born. Little Chicken is next. Tink tries to bait Randy into saying “wheelhouse” again, but he doesn’t. Tink asks Simon why he called Green Mile’s performance “wet and girly”, and Simon says that’s how it would have sounded if Tink sang it. Dumbest slam ever, but it’s great that they found a way to get a gay joke in there at least once this week. Lee is sent to stand with Sio.

Casey Prettiness is next. Skara says she believes in him not only cuz he’s hot, but cuz he’s also really hot. Then her sperms swing in excitement.

 
Songs are like flowers and you’re like the best gardener ever. Now get over here and fertilize me.

Pretty is sent to stand with Green Mile. Crystal OrganiJopplin is wearing a bag of mange tonight.

Ell says that OrganiJ isn’t in danger and won’t even be in the bottom three. She’s sent to stand with Chicken Little. Tink rearranges Sio and puts her next to Green Mile and Prettiness. They are the bottom three! Well, you can’t just kick off MexiGokey every week. As fun as it would be.

Carrie Underwood’s here! Not to sing, but to introduce her opening band, Sons of Sylvia! She’s not even holding a little Nintendo. Advertising opportunity lost. What a waste of five seconds. The guys in the band are all super cute and super young and I hope they make a Threequel.

 
Christmas, Christmas time for cheer!

Shouldn’t you guys be in school? They’re not terrible, but I’m bored. So is this guy.

I don’t really get it, but I like that the lead singer whips out a violin in the middle of the song. He only really plays one note over and over. Madonna has really ruined lead singer instrument playing for everyone. The song about is getting dumped, I think. Who would break up with him? He’s cute and he knows how to play a note on the violin. That’s marriage material.

And now for Lady Antebellum singing “Need You Now.” Is it weird that I’m annoyed by so much music on a music show? I want more Ford commercials!

I’ve seen this lead singer before! She was on top of my trashcan trying to get to the pizza box I left in there. I hit her with a broom, and now I feel terrible about it.

This is a nice chill depressing country song about getting dumped. Jesus. Are there any people in country music who can keep a relationship going? I love the Stevie Nicks muumuu thing she’s got going on. That style doesn’t get enough play in modern times. “It’s a quarter after one and I’m drunk and I need you now.” Most gut wrenching booty call of all time. All I ever get are “are you home and did you take a shower?” This song really makes me realize that I need to demand more romance from people who will bone me but not date me. Thanks, Lady!

Shakira and Rascal Flatts are next, and Shakira just arrived. LOL. I love her. Shakira’s busy. Tell her five minutes before she has to go on and she’ll have someone helicopter her over from the Library. Shakira makes me happy because she makes me feel less alone. I’m not the only one who’s built their entire wardrobe around Charo outfits from the 80′s version of Hollywood Squares.

 
She’s not singing in a bikini tonight, so just to remind us she’s super sexy she opens by blowing. Into a harmonica. Sorry, but that only conjures up images of Taylor Hicks, and that’s never good. Guess what this song is about? Getting your heart broken. If someone as hot as Shakira can’t keep a man, I’m done. My aunt LuLu is ninety and she’s never been married. She outlived all of her sisters. Coincidence? No. You won’t break your heart if you don’t use it. Most depressing advice ever? Possibly. But look how happy LuLu is!

Dogs don’t talk back and they don’t expect you to wear heels.

Shakira has some gypsy dancers, but she doesn’t let us see them too much. Stop being insecure, Shakira! Actually, now that I look at this pic, I can see that she’s trying to cover up her backup dancer’s vag shot.

Totally acceptable. Just please don’t show a chunky woman in a bra.

I like the song, and the dancing reminds me of the Lebanese birthday parties I grew up with. My mom is convinced that the belly dancer at my seventh birthday turned me gay. She might be right cuz as I watch this I regret not having something glittery to put on to dance around the house in. Tink asks Shak for some advice for the singers and she quotes Roosevelt: “Getting married is getting buried”? No! “Keep your eyes on the stars and your feet on the ground.” Tink points out that Casey Kasem said that too. Roosevelt/Casey Kasem? Same diff. They were both pioneers that made 97 percent of this audience turn to their moms and say WHO?

Back to results! Tink asks Green Mile how depressing it is to be in the bottom yet again. Green Mile got a free pizza this week so he’s all good. And he’s safe! His wife goes ape shit.

I sincerely hope this kid doesn’t cheat on her.

So it’s between Prettiness and Sio! Sio’s out!! Wow! That’s a shocker. Well, not really. Oh man! Tink says she’s a super hard worker. How…sweet. She veeeery slowly says that she hopes she showed her sisters what they’re capable of.

 

AW! Poor Sio! She was my fave! Even though she’s kinda blown it a couple weeks in a row. I’m gonna miss her screech and her slow talking and her cupcake tights! I don’t think this is unfair, necessarily, but love her or hate her you have to admit it was fun to see what crazy ass shit she was gonna pull out week to week. She sings “Think” as her final song. Meh. The camera focuses in a sad woman and then slowly pans down to her boob to show a Sio pin. I don’t know why that cracks me up, but it does. It’s like fan porn.

There’s a lot of time left at the end of the song, so we get to see her family sob. Her mom says “you’re still our star!” Jeeze lady she’s not getting sent to the glue factory. Just a cheaper hotel room. See you guys next week for Harry Connick Jr week!
Flipit
About

Currently, Flipit's writing Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recaps, which you can find here. You can also find him doing a gossip segment twice a week called BS of the Day and video recaps of Project Runway All Stars, as well as spoof ReDubs of the coming soon trailers at the end of RHOBH!

Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit

16 Comments

  1. 1
    itchy
    Posted April 29, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    Anyone else think that Simon is looking more and more like Shrek these days? Something tells me he’s been taking steroids.

    At least, this is what I was thinking as the show began. But then the show turned into an infomercial for the Shrek franchise and I started thinking that Simon’s shrekitude was no coincidence.

    I fast-forwarded through all the lame music. Why not let the actual contestants sing? We’re supposed to judge them on what, 30 seconds of singing and a bit of lip syncing? This is how one chooses America’s next big thing?

    I don’t mind that Shebang’s out, but I wish Green Mile had gone before her. Well, technically, he did.

  2. 2
    wcsdancer
    Posted April 29, 2010 at 2:43 pm

    Is that really your aunt? She’s so cute!

  3. 3
    soapboxx
    Posted April 29, 2010 at 3:36 pm

    Too funny. I laughed all the way thru this. Referencing your Aunt Lulu: Did you know husbands die before their wives because they want to?

  4. 4
    DonnaRonna
    Posted April 29, 2010 at 4:19 pm

    Can we just skip the rest of the American Idol episodes and just have slide shows of Aunt Lulu?

  5. 5
    Callie2Raccoon0
    Posted April 29, 2010 at 4:52 pm

    Aunt Lulu FTW!!!!!!!!

  6. 6
    juddfan
    Posted April 29, 2010 at 5:50 pm

    I’ve seen this lead singer before! She was on top of my trashcan trying to get to the pizza box I left in there. I hit her with a broom, and now I feel terrible about it.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAA!!!

    You’re too funny, Flip!

    Yo, I’ll miss the screamer too, tho she was getting a tad melodramatic lately.

    What’s the big surprise is the barnacle Aaron still sticking. Get the chisel someone, I’m shuddering that this kid will make top two–with the rabid tweens this year, “mother”

    Not that I hate the kid, I just don’t want that to happen.

    So much for VFTW backing Sho–ahem–I’m sure it was them all that time keeping Timmy alive–ahem–and now they are backing GM–how did they arrive at that conclusion. He may be the hardest to take personality wise, but the only suckage he’s really sung was “When a Man Loves a Woman” and that’s because that’s song’s just done and done and done for me. Please, no one, not ever, just don’t do it. Even Michael Bolton shouldn’t have, now what does that tell you . . .

  7. 7
    flyngdtchmn
    Posted April 29, 2010 at 10:24 pm

    @ juddfan “Even Michael Bolton shouldn’t have, now what does that tell you . . .”

    It tells me that Michael Bolton shouldn’t even br considered a singer. I think that everything he sings is WAY overdone and to me he’s not a good singer in any way.

  8. 8
    fire@will
    Posted April 29, 2010 at 10:37 pm

    Very. Funny.

  9. 9
    Mooshie
    Posted April 29, 2010 at 11:01 pm

    Anybody recognize Sons of Sylvia? They won that “Next Greatest American Band”(or whatever it was called) TV-show contest a few years ago. Back then they were called the Clark Brothers (or “the CLAHHHHK Brothers,” as one of the judges used to say). Loved them to death on that show; was pretty disappointed by their performance on AI last night.

  10. 10
    JasonR
    Posted April 30, 2010 at 6:48 am

    Mooshie, yes! I thought I was the only one in the entire country who watched “Band”. It was actually a superior show to Idol and was sorry to see it vanish after one season. Well, I can always enjoy Tres Bien on my iPod.

  11. 11
    here4beer
    Posted April 30, 2010 at 8:05 am

    OMG YAY!! I liked that show, too, and thanks Mooshie. I was having trouble working out if Sons of Sylvia were the same group from that “Band” show, but I think the name change is what threw me off. Also, you’re right that they weren’t very good on AI, and I remember them being just outstanding on “Band.”

  12. 12
    dani2526
    Posted April 30, 2010 at 9:51 am

    I’ve never been so excited for an American Idol week EVER: HARRY CONNICK, JR. as mentor?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?

    YES! YES! YES!

    I’m 40 weeks and 3 days pregnant…yes, 3 days over my due date…and I’m fuckin’ miserable…but now I have something to live for! YIPPEE!!!

  13. 13
    juddfan
    Posted April 30, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    Congrats and good luck, dani–be carefully reading in here tho, laughing till your sides split might break your water (or perhaps thats a good thing!)

    Mooshie, I too thought it was them. I forgot their original name. Never watched the whole show, but I do recall them.

    flyngdtchmn: I simply meant that was 15 or 20 years ago–I know Bolton was a polarizing singer, it wasn’t an endorsement. . .

  14. 14
    flipit
    Posted April 30, 2010 at 2:38 pm

    dani!!! congrats honey!! pet your tummy for me!

  15. 15
    dani2526
    Posted April 30, 2010 at 3:09 pm

    Thanks, Flip and Judd! I’ve given a few good pets to the belly for ya.

    Judd–gosh, water breaking would be a GREAT thing right about now!

  16. 16
    flyngdtchmn
    Posted May 1, 2010 at 9:34 pm

    Dani: Congratulations!! Hope everything goes well with you.

    Juddfan: Sorry. Absolutely nothing against you. I’ve personally never understood the appeal for Michael Bolton. As I said, everytime I’ve seen him he always seemed to force what he was singing.

    lol His singing was bad karaoke, he wasn’t relevant and he certainly didn’t make it his own.

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