American Idol: Shania Twang

Tonight on American Idol: Skara devolves into Janis Dickinson, Lee’s eyes get horny, and instead of generic country crap we get Shania branded country crap! YAY!

A paint salesman! A twink with a fauxhawk! A weirdo obsessed what makes glass clink! A panhandling hippie with missing teeth! A giant! A really pretty guy with gorgeous hair!

These, are young poor people ! And THIS! IS AMERICAN IDOL!

Tinkerscrest runs his tiny little ass up all those stairs and back down again because he’s paid many millions of dollars a year and shit just don’t come for free, k? Just imagine his journey:

Scanning the big glittery science fair project fan signs, I feel bad for Sio. No one really knows how to rhyme her name or turn it into a cute pun. She’s a glass blower, so I wish someone would run with that. Like, Sio can make me a vase anytime! Or just SIO BLOWS! But she’d probably start crying and then go off on a really slow tangent filled with excuses for why her parents named her Siobhan but call her Shavaun.

Tink thanks us, er, you, for donating so much money last week on Idol Gives Back! I say thank you for lending  us Annie Lennox in an HIV POSITIVE t-shirt. Twitter’s vagina almost exploded over that one. It was also nice of Joss Stone to show up without underwear and grind herself at that old dude dressed like Liza, if only for the nightmares I’ve had every night since about running from something so terrifying my mind won’t let me see it.

Gives Back raised forty five million bucks, and they will be distributing that money to forty five million charities. There might not be much actual cash when all is said and done, but don’t worry starving African kids. Nothing curbs your hunger like a Diet Coke, and I think since you were on American Idol those are free for the rest of your lives. Or something.

Let’s say hi to Randy and Ellen while Skara and Simon giggle and do their best to pretend they’re the only ones at Judges’ Table. Randy shows us his diamonds and his Mister Rogers sweater of the week. What happens to a person that they wake up one day and say “I’m gonna wear a different old man sweater every single day this year!” ? What ever he’s going through, I hope I don’t catch it. The diamonds I’ll take.

Ellen is in a hoodie and a boy’s windbreaker. She looks like Justin Bieber without water for a month or oversized baseball caps.

Skara is wearing jewels that look like the inside of a smoker’s lungs.

Tink intros Simon as “the fountain of youth”, and of course Simon is sporting a tight shirt showcasing his c cups, a butt cut from the fifties and a face smothered in colored cancer so he takes it as a compliment.

There’s only one month til the finale!! Tink tells the audience to shout out their pick for the winner and gets back a resounding “PUUULLL THE PLUUUUUUGGG! CANCEL IT! CANCEL IT!” Then they throw lettuce and tomatoes and diapers at Tink and we cut to commercial. When we come back the audience has been replaced by footage from the Latin Grammys’ audience. Well hello, top 6! Sio has some really smart friends, you guys.

Tonight we’re celebrating Shania Twain! I’m not a betting man, but I’ll wager that none of her advice will include the sentence “wear a bra.”

If this is gonna be about boobs then Green Mile already won. No fair! Now for a video package showcasing Shania’s…talents. Every shot is of her in a bikini or a bra. Seriously. Every. Single. One. Good news! Shania’s brought along an idea board for Little Chicken’s first album cover!

Her latest album has sold more than any other woman’s in history! Sorry Patsy Cline! You were a visible rack and a pair of Mrs. Roeper pajamas away from history!

This is the second time we’ve seen Shania this season. The first time was when she was eye raping that poor sweaty hippie rocker kid in auditions. She tells us how amazing it is that she writes all her songs “just on a guitar!” Really? I thought coming up with something as intricate as “You’re Still a Woman” would require a marching band and a bartender, at the very least. She’s supportive, sweet, and nervous that her songs will suck more than they currently do after tonight in people’s minds.
  
She’s in the crowd tonight, and she’s not showing arms or cleave! Cuz she’s an artist m’kay? Or she doesn’t want those attributes to overshadow the eighty pounds of fake hair sewn onto her head.

She jokes that it was odd making the guys sing such girlie songs but gives them credit for being a generally effeminate enough group to pull it off.
   
Lee’s up first with “Still the One”. After a way too long hug, Shania worries that he’s rushing the guitar. Why she didn’t point out that he growl shouted every single note off key, I can’t know for sure. But I suspect that it’s because he’s got a hose and she’s got a gravel garden. We know this one’s a horny toad. She comes around and suggests he soften it up a lot with just his voice and the piano at first. Best. Advice. Of the season.
     
The start is a bit off key. As he gets into it, he sounds like he might veer off course singing that softly, but he doesn’t. He sounds beautiful and makes the song his own. Util he shits all over it will that off key yell. OUCH, dude. It’s especially painful at first when he’s trying to transition out of his soft voice. He holds a growl for a few seconds and it sounds like a caveman finding out he was paying too much for auto insurance. At the end, he can’t go back down into his soft voice without growling. Awesome first ten seconds though. He’s also loosened up a lot tonight. He’s eyefucking the cameras like a pro and even acting all sexy/douchey. AW! Hollywood has finally started to blow up his head a little. Congrats! You’re on the road to being a true stah!

Unfortunately, for every one sexy face there are six “I think I’m pooping out a whole turkey” faces.

It’s one of Randy’s fave songs evah and even though Lee started off pitchy he “did pretty good.” Ellen says she wants to get aboard the Shania Twain. I’ll bet you do. Skara says that that was very relevant. She’s stretching tonight, you guys! I don’t know if this is relevant, but Skara is turning into Janis Dickinson.

She says he’s really grown and even smiled a little! Simon thought it was the perfect song for him and he did it justice even though he made some funky faces. LOL. Skara interrupts by yelling about his smile, and Ellen just wants to be as far away from that needy insecure camera hog as possible.

Tink is thrilled that Lee is happy. A little too thrilled.

Did you guys know that Lane Bryant got their asses censored by FOX last week for showing this chick in a bra?

Speaking of rudeness to overweight people, why is Green Mile singing “It Only Hurts When I’m Breathing”? Are the lyrics about walking around the block? And why is he already trying to outboob Shania?

His voice sounds gorgeous in rehearsal, and Shania tells him not to take his staggering talent for granted and actually try to feel something instead of just vocally jerking off all over us. Shania talks funny. Is that an English accent? She is very moved by his voice. To prove it, she shakes her head like Katherine Hepburn sitting for a portrait and pouts like she’s super into the song.

Green Mile starts the song sitting on the stairs. Oh shit I hope Debbie’s not hanging out around there cuz lighting can strike twice. I don’t know if I’ve ever heard this song, but it rhymes “bad” with “sad” so I’m confident I can keep up. As usual, Green Mile’s voice is stunning and as he sings like a little angel I’m looking around the house and trying to convince myself that one of these days I’m gonna clean it. Then I start picking at my toenails. Then I search through my outgoing mail box to see if I sent my taxes yet. Shit I really need to get on that. I’m supposed to be doing something right now. I turn back to the TV just in time to see a pic of Shania trying to cry morph with a shot of Green Mile ejaculating. For one second, we get to see what Shania would look like with Green Mile’s giant nostrils, and it’s not pretty. She’s gonna be so mad when she watches this.

Green Mile is one talented mofo, there’s no denying it, but man he bores. Is it charisma he’s lacking? Personality? Stah powuh? Humility? Boob tape? I just don’t know. His ending fals note is flawless, and it happens at the same time as my third yawn. Shania even kinda gets some tears almost ready to drop! Too late!

Randy says that there’s a huge wide open space for Green Mile. I hope so. He’ll need it. Ellen says she was worried but he came off as Luther Vandross and sounded beautiful. Way to find a fat black dude to compare him to. Skara thinks Green Mile was connected and put his mark on the song. Simon agrees with the Luther comparison but thinks the performance was too wet. No one knows what that means. Well, at least GM made something besides himself wet tonight.

Shania shouts in her weird accent about how much Green Mile gets her. Ellen looks at her and turns back like “you’re a fucking idjit. Wanna come over for a picnic?”

Prettiness is next! Tink reminds him about how lame the judges thought he was last week, which is uncool cuz Pretty looks nervous. He says that to prepare, he went home and watched all of his performances and realized that he may not give the judges anything new but goddamn he’s handsome. Then he gave himself a hot oil treatment and put some curlers in. Shania tells him to try and internalize her…song. Prettiness’ goal is to sing a singing song. On a singing show. That sounds like a good idea. To…sing. Now let’s take a moment to see what Skara looks like before she knows the camera is on her…

Sing he does. He’s looked at as the boner maker of the show, but vocally he’s in direct competition with Lee, and he wipes the floor with him. The song is a little blah and he looks sorta terrified. I think it’s cuz of that high note. He made it, but just barely. He’s shaky by the end, but it was definitely one of his better performances. Shania is crying. Reba is thrilled.

Randy says it’s one of Prettiness’ best evah! Ellen thinks that’s how all his songs should be and it was his best. Skara says don’t hide the good bad or ugly. Well, maybe the ugly. If you have any. Simon thinks it was amazing and makes him kiss Shania on the lips. HAHAH! Shania is paid in molestation opportunities. I love this show.

Next up are dirty knees and a dress that looks like an armadillo freshly hit by a semi.

Crystal OrganiJoplin has a Shania autograph on her famous women guitar. You guys, is OrganiJoplin a stalker? She’s got a lot of sigs on that thing. As she talks about how Shania glows with positivity, I imagine Shania having security escort a weird dirty teenager away from her trailer and then spraying herself down with Febreeze.

OrganiJ is singing “No One Needs to Know”, which sounds like the title of a Lifetime Movie. I’m uncomfortable. Shania says that she should happy it up a little and stop being so depressing. OrganiJ says this is a message to her boyfriend. The lyrics are sad. They’re about how one day when they have a baby she’ll finally make him tell his friends about her. Um…the baby’s like two. I hate to be the one to tell you this cuz you’re talented and seemingly very sweet, but HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

She’s back on the guitar for this one with more of a bluegrass sound. She even softens up and goes into her head voice. NICE! She sounds great, and it’s the most original she’s sounded the entire season. Until her Janis shout at the end. Still, great work lady! I just threw some laundry quarters at the TV.

Randy seems bored but is glad she country-ed it up. Ellen says it wasn’t her best performance but still brilliant. Weird. I think it was her best. It was nice not to hear her sound like a shout-y bar hag hack. Skara says she missed the yelling, and OrganiJ argues that bigger isn’t always better. Another message to the boyfriend. Simon says “we didn’t like Crystal this week” and compares her to a mariachi band in a coffee shop. OUCH! OrganiJ says it’s ok and she still loves him. Well glad you approve. Stop talking. We get a shot of the boyfriend. He’s a total elf faced shlubby pit stained prize.

OrganiJ, honey, you’re famous now. Moveon.org.

Organi says she had fun and she thanks the band and she’s coming off as a little defensive. She doesn’t cry though, and it’s nice to see a contestant with some bawls. And also nice to see that even with Tim Helmut Lame gone, someone’s still having fuuuuuun!

A giant roid rage-y boxer slapped around a porn star? Absolutely. SHOCKING. Glad the news is here to sort it all out. Maybe they’ll ask her what she thinks about Wall St. reform.

Little Chicken’s next. Shania loves his choice of “You Got Away”, but thinks that he looks like he’s thinking too hard about hitting notes. She tells him to man up and go to a safe place in his mind while she touches his….fade to black. A BUSE ain’t just a stock exchange in Buenos Aires.

He starts off off key and super shaky. “You got away with me.” This is like listening to a kidnap victim put his emotions to super crappy music. He looks scared shitless the whole time, but his voice warms up a bit once he starts belting. He never looks comfortable and that was one of the most boring songs I’ve ever sat through on country night. There’s usually at least a fun glittery chaps-y number, and I had all my hopes pinned on Little Chicken. Sad horns. Chicken comes off as a cute little puppy that gets kicked around by his owner. And this guy looks like the kicker.

Randy says this is Chicken’s “wheelhouse.” Second time he’s said that tonight. Did someone take a trip to the Cracker Barrel? Randy thinks it was brill, Ellen can’t believe how much emotion and depth he showed. Chicken is 17 now! Skara agrees with Ell and even touches her arm, which is scary. Then she adds that she’s glad he changed the “when we make love” line cuz it would have made her seat wet. He said he was singing to his mom, which makes the whole thing uncomfortable. Simon is still rolling his eyes at Skara, so he looks like a total dick while Chicken is crying about his mom. LOL. He makes nice by saying that Chicken has blown donkey ducks for the past few weeks but tonight he was a true country artist! WOWEE! Good for him. But he’s out.

Sio is singing Shania’s first number one hit! “Any Man of Mine”. It’s about how any man of hers should love her even if she’s ugly. She’s not ugly. But that outfit. Lord. Is that a nuclear bomb going off on her t-shirt? Is she for or against war? I’m so fucking confused. And is it snowing outside? Cuz she looks like she’s about to shovel a driveway.

Shania takes one look at her and says “you always look so pretty…!” like a mom who spits on a hanky to wipe the dirt off your face and then drops you off at Fantastic Sam’s with ten bucks and a note for the barber that says “DO SOMETHING. I DON’T CARE WHAT. Be back in an hour.”

This song is a little too uptempo and one note for Sio, and I am instantly worried for her. She comes out wearing a flowery tight dress with backpack straps. ? She’s going as country as possible tonight, which is a huge mistake. These faces don’t help.

I would not be doing my job if I didn’t help you experience this entire outfit.

Her voice sounds good for most of the song, but she bones more notes than she ever has, and she comes across as a total spaz. I can’t believe she’s doing such a silly ass song when there are only six people left. She needs a great night, and this wasn’t it. She does bring back the shriek thing though, and louder than ever. Then she softens into her head voice and goes back into belt. Vocally she’s got mad skillz but that was not good.
 
Randy loved loved loved it. Ellen repeats her ride on the Shania Twain joke. LOL. Skara says that Sio’s back! Simon loved the song even though her end screaming was a bit much and she sounded like she was giving birth. HA! The judges are off their rockers tonight. I love me some Sio, but it’s getting harder to root for her week to week. She needs a Summertime moment. Preferably starring Fantasia.

Who are your picks? I say Green Mile, Sio and Little Chicken in the bottom, and Chicken will go. I don’t think I’ve been right yet though so don’t worry. And soapboxx, send me your address for your comment prize from last week! flipit75@gmail.com.
                         
Thanks for being here!