Recap: American Inventor: Two Hours of My Life That I Want Back

That’s right, I said TWO hours, not one, of the show that’s half-responsible for ABC’s lowest season ratings yet. With a measly 2.0 rating, only “The Next Best Thing” scored lower with a 1.9. Even “Lyrics” and “Last Comic Standing” dominated it. Hell, “Dateline” (when isn’t that show about double homicides and upstanding citizens who commit unthinkable crimes of passion?) kicked its sorry ass. It barely edged out CBS and CW reruns. How is that even possible?

Duh, this is American Inventor!

I was on my laptop trying to recap the fun-fest while watching the episode on TV. If you really want to know which three made it to the last round, go to ABC.

The Rundown:

- 6 Finalists

- 4 weeks to work

- $50K each for R&D

- The final pitch of a lifetime to the judges

My loyal boyfriend, who sat next to me on the couch throughout this entire horrid season, has chimed in with so many great comments that I dub this recap The Boyfriend Edition (TM). His remarks will be denoted by the abbreviation BF.

LAX: Indicative of the qualifications you need to get on this show.



We’re in Los Angeles, probably somewhere near Wilshire. I am a bit nauseated because the EZT4U couple needs to shut up and stop with the gross PDA. No one wants to see wrinkly old people making out, what if their dentures fall out?

All the inventors will share one workspace, a la “Project Runway,” but it’s doubtful most of them will be working on their inventions. Instead, that’s what a design team is for, to turn pieces of crap into gold while the “inventors” take a tour of Hollywood.

The EZT4U brewing system allows you to brew marijuana-infused tea. No one tells you that though, because that’s bad marketing. I didn’t realize this during the tryouts, but they don’t even have a prototype. What will it mean to these cracked out hippies if they win? Retirement, a legacy, and probably a special herb garden.

Elaine Cato had it hard growing up, as there was little to no food in her family. But somehow she made it to college. And she was like the first Miss Black Tennessee. Her 6-in-1 backless bra and her boobies drew the judges in. Aw. And she’s a single mom!

BF’s thoughts: “She got knocked up, she’s a ho. But one that rose up from her ho-ness.”

The Harvard + MIT grad students work their butts off for their Claw, creating 15 prototypes for their bicycle storage device. The MIT guy is hoping to be a professor, because 6 years of PhD work is no fun. Piled higher and deeper, they say.

Ricky DeRennaux, the inspiring high school teacher, wants to challenge the youth of America. Science, design, and engineering concepts will be taught with his HT Custom Racers, but it’s doubtful they will make as good of a movie as Jaime Escalante in Stand and Deliver.

Gregg Chavez and his amazing posterboard named The Guardian Angel are back. He doesn’t have investment money because he blew his load too many times and has too many kids to feed. It’s called Costco, Gregg. Think about buying in bulk. And look into getting your tubes tied.

Mike and Joe Miller, the Catholics behind the EZ Wrap, blab about being crazy: “I see the world totally different from most people – until you’re recognized as an inventor, you’re just a nut!”

Until you’re super rich, that is.

Dear Nick Smith: You are useless. I’m sorry you have to host this show, but seriously, shut up.

“Take a look around you…one of you will win one million dollars…and none of you are Asian.” Why are there so few Asians on reality TV? Is it because they’re all stuck in med, pharmacy and dental school? Or because they don’t want to bring shame to their family? I don’t mean to beat a dead horse, but it’s kind of true.

Hour 1: FOCUS GROUP TESTING, RESEARCH & DEVELOPMENT

In which we learn that nearly all of our inventors don’t have to do jack shit, thanks to the design teams hired to revamp or create their products

All of the inventors are piled into the observation room with a two-way mirror so they can all hear the criticism and/or support for their respective products. The focus groups are way too small to really reflect the market population, in my opinion. Awkward.

Elaine: “They are about to view…my bra. I’m nervous.”

Wrap Away Catholics: “More validation for us.”

Fireman: “I’m pathetic.”

HT Racers is up first. Children ages 11-14 pile into the room – do the kids like it?

Pimply kid: “I don’t think teenagers will want to play and stuff.”

“I love ‘Catcher in the Rye.’ It captures my angst perfectly.”

Man, puberty is awkward. Moppy-haired kid: “I don’t really play with cars anymore”

Ricky’s from Oklahoma, and doesn’t understand that even 8-year-olds have BlackBerries in LA: “They’re trying to be too cool.” Well, that’s because Hollywood middle schoolers prefer the glam of cocaine, not remote controlled cars, thanks to La Lohan. The other inventors gloat about Ricky’s shattered dreams.

EZ Wrap:”I thought Ricky was gonna cry. He got such poor ratings.”

EZT4U Focus Group:

” I wouldn’t put tea in my coffee pot. It just seems like a lot of work.”

“I went from glee to oh, my god,” moans the hippie duo. Hee.

“I would not purchase it.”

Again, Los Angelenos rule, because they can sniff out a useless product from a thousand miles away.EZT4U Hippie: “My life was passing in front of my eyes. I was watching a million dollars flutter away.” Actually, it’s called an acid flashback.

Wrap Away Focus Group: “It’s good for the drawers, I almost cut myself when I pull it out…”

“It’s accessible, easy, convenient.”

Lady, you don’t need the Wrap Away. You need rehab.

Catholics: “I hate to tell you, but it’s gonna win it.” To the consternation of the other inventions, the comments about Wrap Away are generally positive.

The beginning of a matching shirt motif. Who are you, Bert & Ernie?

Wrap Away: “After the focus group, I looked at the faces of all the other inventors, and they looked real worried.” OH SNAP, shit talking ensues: “There’s nothing like that on the market,” gloats Catholic #1. “We can go home now and have a martini…” chimes in Catholic #2.

Craig Forest + David Moeller, Grad Students, look worried about the Bike Owner focus group for The Claw. Will the group see it as a tour de force?

“It looks kinda neat.”

Yes, Pat Croce is wearing a normal shirt. The end is coming.

Wrap Away Catholics: “I don’t think it’s going good, do you?”

Ricky: “People are taking joy in other people’s pain, and I just don’t go there.”

Bike owner: “I don’t want a bike just dangling around.”

The grad students are predictably pissed, but I have to say that the phrasing of the questioning is pretty negative. Like, “So you’re saying there’s no way in hell you’d ever buy this product, right?”

George Tucker, aka EZT4U Hippie, is supportive of the grad students, but Craig shoots him down with “George, you’re not a philosopher.” Whatever that means. It’s certainly no “Yo’ Mama” comeback.

Gregg Chavez is psyched about his Guardian Angel Posterboard group.

“I’m shaking, I’m so excited!”

Focus Group immediately hones in on the fact that there isn’t even a prototype:

“What if it’s defective?”

“No written guarantee?”

Serious liabilities.

The WrapAway brothers look concerned. So much editing! They’re totally not gonna make it, I’m calling it now.

Elaine’s Bra (is going to get through, because she’s the only non-white competitor [yes, I played the race card] and her story makes for good TV. And…boobies.)

Focus Group (in one of the comments is utterly false):

“It excites me!”

“I would try it on to see if it works.”

“Let’s get in our panties and have a pillow fight!”

She’s the poor man’s SPANX. Don’t you see the resemblance?

Elaine meets with the design team to get her product ready for the market. She has four weeks (like everybody else) to accomplish what normally takes a year to get done. Ah, the constraints of reality TV. Unlike half of her competitors, she has a prototype, so points for her.

EZT4U hippies: Stressed and sad, they have tea percolating in a normal press…because their version does not exist in real life yet. Heh. Disastrous news awaits them with their design team! The common coffee machine does not brew water hot enough to brew black or herbal tea. HEH. So they need an additional heating source. Someone dropped the ball on research, but apparently their astrologist didn’t mention this to them.

Elaine’s Bra Team requires a structural engineer. Heh.

BF and his roomie: “I want to be a structural engineer so I can design bras!”

BF: “This is all the show can harp on: ‘Black, single mom, was po’.'”

The EZT4U duo will be known from now on as the TEABAGGERS. I wish they’d just been told by the design team that the product couldn’t be made, but no. The design team has come up with a new product line to solve the product problem. You just have to boil the water now, before using the coffeemaker. JMP Creative is the design team behind all this — too bad no one watches this show, so much for your publicity. Also, you had to do all the work, and these crazy people get all the credit.

The teabagger design has changed radically.They want to brew tea live for the judges – and think they’ll win. Hey, btw, America doesn’t like you.

Elaine’s finished product! Hooray! They’re classy looking black bras. The prototype is ready, and there is massive cleavage everywhere. It looks store ready to Elaine.

BF: “America likes boobs. The competition is over.”

She’s all about making life better her two daughters. Ah, yes, it’s for the children. Think of the children. Blah blah blah.

It’s the Eve of the Million Dollar Pitch

Whaaaa? A month went by in two minutes, thanks to the miracle of editing.

TEABAGGERS: You didn’t do any work. You disgust me.

BF: “Someone else did it and they’re all surprised when they see the product.”

Hippie: “You know what ? I love America. This is like American dream.”

Yeah well, it is the American dream, because you didn’t do jack shit and you get to present it as though you did.

Bumpin’ uglies.

BF noted: “For $50K, the teabaggers got a little box with paint on it.”

BF: “So far big titties is in the lead. America likes big titties.” Sad, but true.

BF’s roomie: “Boob: that’s the new intellect.”

No one else’s research and development was shown, and it’s already the eve of the final pitch to the judges. Gebus.

We’re back at JMP Creative – hey, nearly all of them using the same creative design firm! I am so sure the design teams can’t stand their clients. Based in Santa Ana, JMP looks like a pretty fun office, the walls are designed to look like the interior of a submarine or something like that. It’s rather artsy and a little fartsy.

In meeting with Ricky for the HT Custom Racers, they’ve lowered the demographic four years. So now the core audience is twelve-year-old boys, the age right before girls take their number one interest slot. That and, um, before they discover certain things they can do with a hand and an appendage.

“I know your product’s target,” says the design team leader. Ricky is distraught-looking.

BF: “That’s good, give them some false confidence. Delude them a bit.”

Guardian Angel: From Posterboard to Reality

JMP Creative is again handling the prototype. There’s craploads of work and very little time to complete it. It’s even the same people from the team that handled the HT Custom racers. How is that possible? What the french toast?

Gregg returns to JMP, where all the work is done for him. Hmm. They tried the mechanism and lit up some items, and the water pump responded quickly. However, the alarm didn’t go off. Not so good.

Cut to Ricky and his custom racers: I have a secret weapon – the airplane!

The remote airplane sails up in the air and nails a skeleton in the eye. Heh. It’s pretty sweet, although I’d be distraught if my airplane kept crashing into things.

Ricky and Greg talk supportively of each other’s inventions. Well, Ricky mostly, because he’s a nice guy like that.

“You can’t put a price on people’s lives,” says Ricky.

BF: “People do all the time – insurance companies.”

Gregg, on seeing the Guardian Angel come to life: “It’s everything I ever imagined, that I didn’t have to make myself.”

YEAH, YOU KNOW WHY THAT IS? BECAUSE YOU LACK TALENT AND SKILLS. He misses his wife, and he’s overdue for another baby.

BF:”What is he, Irish Catholic?”

Ricky is the the perpetual optimist, and he believes it can change his life. He starts crying.

“Crying is also good for America.” – Boyfriend

Guardian Angel testing time! Simulated Christmas Scene, where synthetic trees go to die!

“We must protect this house! Get down!” – Boyfriend

The fire ignites. It is ever so thrilling. A part of me wishes the Guardian Angel would catch on fire. On the first try, it didn’t work at all.

“I could barely breathe, I was so embarrassed,” confides Greg.

Finally, after like four attempts, the alarm went off and the torrent of water suppressed the fire “totally,” says Greg.

“Didn’t look like it to me.” – Boyfriend It did not work perfectly, and I don’t know how they will guarantee this product’s effectiveness.

It’s a new day, and the grad students are still poor. They’re discouraged by the focus group results, as people thought it looked cheap, and it made of plastic. They start voicing their doubts in the form of rhetorical questions:

“Is it all worth it?”

“Are we playing a game we can’t win?”

“I sacrificed a job at an investment bank.”

“I missed my graduation for my Ph.D ceremony to be here.”

“Let’s make it happen.”

They unwisely decide to move forward and keep designing. I would’ve just started my own company, frankly.

The Catholic Wrapaways don’t know it, but they’re in for an ego check. Dressed in matching lab coats, they’re at Pulse Global, a different design firm but I bet it’s still JMP Creative’s building. Heh. The humble Wrap Away lacks pizazz, so the team suggests making it out of something else, like stainless steel.

The grad students are also at Pulse Global, and are faced with the news that they have to reduce the claw’s girth by one third. Intimately familiar with the internal engineering of their invention, they get to work. “Sleeping is not important,” they say. Oh, Engineers! Dr. Dement would disagree. Drowsiness is Red Alert!

After two weeks of trial and error, they finally get it right. Pulse shows them four concepts and colors, and they get their dork on picking the right color. I think they go with red.

The Catholics have waited two weeks (and most likely built nothing) to see the Wrapaway’s design. “It looked like something I’d never seen before,” says Catholic #1. Um, because you didn’t make it. “It turned into a Rolls Royce,” chimes in the other brother.

Seriously, stop with the matching shirts. It’s getting creepy.

“We’re not slicksters or nothin’. We hired some people to spit shine us, fluff us and buff us.”

They’re not kidding. They got speech therapy and hired a pitch coach. They’re mighty impressed with her, and they start flirting with her.

“If you could put her in a teabag and dip her in water, we’d have world peace.”

BF: “Did he just say he wants to teabag her?”

The Claw creators hire a kid to assist them in their presentation. Nice gimmick, but it’s not going to help that much, and the kid will probably screw up.

Wrapaway: You are still hicks, and you should’ve just gone with your authentic rustic selves. The judges will totally see through your ruse, as this is not exactly “My Fair Lady” or “Dr. Zhivago.”

“They’re from Missourahhh…drinking burrh on the porch, err, in their extended homestay.” – Boyfriend

—- Hour one ends, and I die a little.—–

FINAL PITCH OF DESTINY TIME!

Boyfriend has strong feelings about the judges’ outfits.

Someone in Wardrobe isn’t doing their job.

“In new outfits no less…nice flannel shirt, Pat Croce.”

SPANX appears: “…and a schoolbus hit me on the way here.” She’s like a real life Tweety Bird in a canary yellow shift tunic.

First up is the eloquent Elaine Cato, in a dress that features her bust. This pageant queen knows how to talk. Her bra is suitable for a C cup or larger, because no one can find the bra that will fit so they can wear backless tops and dresses. However, she has also made it for women of all sizes. Oh happy day.

There are six different configurations that support and lift while allowing back to be totally bare, a cute name (“Dare to be Bare”) and pretty good packaging that reminds me of the cheekiness of SPANX’s product line. On cue, we get a boob parade as pretty buxom models enter the stage wearing bras and nothing else except pants. Major bonus points, because the male judges’ eyes practically fall out of their sockets.

Elaine: “I’m a winner!” How can you say no to boobies and bare backs?

No more awkward fumbling to unhook your lady’s bra!

To add to the pageant-like spectacle, the judges start asking her questions like how her bras would achieve peace in the Middle East and what sort of plan would they devise to pull troops out of Iraq. Oh, and how to reduce carbon emissions to comply with the Kyoto Treaty. However, her answers aren’t super satisfying.

“Well, The other bras on the market have irritating adhesives or irritating straps around the midsection.”

“What research do you have on the backless bra?”

“I plan to do more extensive research once I get ready to launch it on the market, but during focus group questioning and general conversation, I know women will love this bra.”

“You didn’t do any research?”

“Market research, but not as to demographics as to who would buy this bra.”

BM is disappointed that she didn’t do any numbers/stats — then again, what do stats prove except the truth? Statistics: as effective as the rhythm method.

SPANX comes to the rescue: “I’m not disappointed because you are your own focus group. How are you feeling right now?”

Elaine: “This is for me and my daughters. ME AND MY DAUGHTERS. Where’s my tiara?!”

Elaine starts crying, which perplexes my boyfriend.

Hey Nick Smith, her face is above her neck.

“You must know why she’s crying,” says Boyfriend to me. “You’re a woman.”

Time for Wrap Away Brothers!

Thanks to their speech therapy, they talk slower than molasses in January. It’s quite awkward and forced. The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain. Ooh, it now comes in stainless steel – enabling users to quickly, safely and cleanly dispense of saran wrap, etc. Still, this is a super boring product. It installs anywhere with simple mounting strips, and a removable cover keeps fingers safe and keeps contents hidden from view.

Speech therapy did nothing for the Catholic’s memory, because one of them (Joe, I think) forgets his lines! Cue long, awkward pause and dramatic music. The other steps in to rescue the sinking pitch, which is flailing faster than the Titanic.

If only we’d built some fancy technamology so it could prompt my next line.

Wrapaway: “My dad taught me that ‘the mind creates miracles when you do things from the heart. So thank you and God bless. This is a miracle.’ ” But it’s no Christmas miracle!

And…the debriefing.

SPANX: “Did you feel like yourselves during the presentation?”

Wrapaway: “No. It’s been a long day, and I wish we could do it again.”

BM: “I think you blew it. Part of your job is presenting your invention to America, and if you presented like that, you’d be dead in the water.I’m not convinced.”

The brothers want to evolve their business and have everyone in their family to work for them, but clearly the Judges hate their presentation.Pat points out that they had 100% of their focus group, though. Ah, pride comes before a fall.

Ricky DeRennaux, Custom Build Racers: “Put your creativity in drive!”

He put pictures of all four judges into one of his model cars, although I doubt George Foreman could fit in a car with the rest of ‘em. The car models are also souped up with flames, and children as young as nine can race and build them. There are also now flyers and a megakit – and a pop up truck that doesn’t require a computer for assembly. Everyone can do it. Yay for populism!

Not shown: Toy car explodes in fiery, deadly crash, making next week’s episode impossible.

KIDS ARE THE FUTURE. That’s the gist of Ricky’s presentation. Also, paper airplanes that really fly are sweet.

Boyfriend likes the presentation. He approves, but he’s also a mechanical engineer.

Kids want cool toys, can this be the cool toy? ask the judges. Ricky explains he can tie in cars and specific models to the thing, like if Disney came out with a Cars movie…you know.

BM: “How do you feel about the airplane crashing and mashing up? Won’t a child be sad?”

Pat: “Would girls like these things?”

Ricky: “We can do lady bugs, we can do beetle bugs.”

Pat: “How does it feel to come this close to winning a million?”

SPANX: “What else do you want us and America to know about you and your journey?”

Ricky starts crying. Way to learn from Elaine’s example. He seems genuinely nice and sincere, though, so I wouldn’t mind if he won.

TEABAGGERS: America doesn’t like weird.

They’ve renamed it the Tea Brain. Scratch that, JMP Creative renamed it, those hippies would’ve kept it EZT4U. However, the design team should’ve used some of the 50K for a wardrobe/image consultant for the two. Or at least some conditioner for that woman’s hair.

It rhymes with Pea Brain. Not a coincidence.

Their pitch is a very stiff, rehearsed shpiele – I feel like I’m watching an I Love Lucy knock-off of the Vitameatavegamin.

“It makes your coffee maker smarter.”

“That’s right!”

“Denise, the button…press it.”

“Tada!”

Gag.Tea is a 6.8 billion dollar market – at least they have stats. They brewed tea earlier for the judges to sample. Isn’t it cold by now?

And the questions:

How long does it take to brew a cuppa tea?

Anywhere from 3-7 minutes.

Does the device fit on all coffee makers?

Adapters allow it to fit – small, medium, and large.

Where are the sizers?

They have one adapter.

There are 7 to 8 adapters, they can be hung on the side, hung on the top…

“SOUNDS COMPLICATED,” says Pat.

BM: “I’m British and I love tea. I’m not convinced, though, that all Americans love tea.”

“80 percent drink tea,” replies hippie. My ass. I looked up some surveys and one indicated that only 8% of Americans drink green tea on a regular basis.

Closing Remarks: “Well if you haven’t gotten it, there’s nobody I’d rather be than with this lady.” Kissy kissy.

BM: “We’ve had enough.”

BM: “I think that statistic is wrong.”

George: “It could be more than 80 percent. Babies’ moms…they brew tea for the baby when the baby doesn’t feel good.”

Oh, George.

Can I get a crumpet?

Grad Students: So many loans to repay

The Claw went on a diet, and is now slimmer and more aesthetically pleasing. Where’s the little girl in the skit? Three years were spent perfecting the claw, it’s been shrunk 30%, and the design team made it look good. It can hang all sorts of things. It can be locked, and is super strong. To demonstrate, David swings on a chain from it.

However, it will not carry Shaq’s weight.

They’ve also created a wall-mounted version of the claw can be hung from walls and ceilings now. Even a child can do it!

“Oh hey Mia!” (presumably the fake name of their child assistant) Mia struggles with the bike claw, and you know Craig wants to sock her in the face for screwing up something so simple. Then again, she’s like, seven.

Yeah, you probably shouldn’t apply to MIT, Mia, if you can’t even operate The Claw.

“Hey what’s the forecast?” asks Craig.

David whips out a pull-down map. “We’ve got a strong Claw front in LA and it’s sweeping to the East!”

I’d take Powerpoint over this crap.

They hired independent market research companies and found 1 in 5 active bikers would buy it, at least 8 million, and not even 30 million. It’s really not that many. But it now comes in a nice box.

Non-sequitur: “How come it’s always 4 out of 5 dentists on commercials, can no one get 5 out of 5?” – Boyfriend

BM: “You’ve reduced the size and added a side claw. Is that all you did with 50k?”

David: “Um…Of the 61% who hang, 1 in 5 would hang it.”

BM: “Doesn’t it tell you something?”

David: “Doesn’t seem like much, but it’s 75 billion who ride bikes.”

The claw is 40 bucks. Eep.

SPANX: “How easy is it to install? I’m a woman and useless.”

David: “It installs with two wood screws. Even an idiot could do it.”

When asked why they should be chosen, the two don’t have a compelling answer. However, I think they understood the most about the engineering behind their invention, and they have legitimate day jobs. And they don’t consult with astrologists.

Who’s left?

Guardian Angel Gregg Chavez, Miracle Worker

“I’m a firefighter, but I’m much more than that. I’m a father…to 6 awesome children…” he voice-overs. “Guardian angel has become an expression of who I am.” Ooh, glittery Christmas scene time! Within the package is a tank of water, with the hose, attached to the angel at the top of the tree – a cone of water comes down pretty powerfully, 3 gallons of it.

From Posterboard to Pump: One Man’s Dream

Apparently, it douses the flames in four seconds. The angel’s designed to be detachable, and they cut to a video of the Guardian Angel in action. Steam fills the room – 2:48 is when it’s totally extinguished. I bet there’s a ton of smoke damage though.

Not as good as “24.”

“The potential for tragedy is staggering. You can rest well, because Guardian Angel never sleeps.”

Pat eats his words, admitting that Greg proved him wrong. “By golly, you got that thing working (by no talent of your own).”

How many trees were tested? They burned 7-8 trees. So. Not. Eco-friendly. The hippie in me hisses. Tweaking needs to happen to make it work properly, because it didn’t work until the fourth time it was lit. Yikes. I don’t like those odds.

British Man: “I’m not even going to question you about what you did with 50 thousand dollars.”

George: “That’s all I see: Lives being saved.”

Pat Croce: “What drives this?”

Gregg: “Love.”

Love! It’s just like freakin’ Harry Potter, saved by his mother’s love and whatnot. By the way — Voldemort dies and Harry lives. And has three babies with Ginny Weasley.

Let’s spare you (and me) the grief of the last fifteen minutes. Our three finalists are:

1. Elaine Cato and her 6-in-1 Convertible Brassiere (what, no Manzieres?)

2. Ricky DeRennaux and Custom Build Racers

3. Gregg Chavez and his pocketful of miracles, err, Guardian Angel (who spells that name with two g’s? ABC spells it this way on their website, but without the extra “g” on the episode, I am le confused.)

But if you really want to read what leads up to all that, feel free to continue.

TEABAGGERS are up first: Did they fulfill their promise? Pregnant Pause.

Pat: “You will not be going forward.”

“Ohhhhh” sad faces, realizing that their psychic was wrong. A dream deferred.

Get them away! I never want to see them again! “We didn’t do it.” Nope, you didn’t.

Even George hates you.

Elaine Cato’s next. Okay, seriously — she’s in.

SPANX: “We were really looking for the passion…you address a need, and figured out a way to make your invention suit all different women. Regardless of what happens today, your daughters are going to be proud of you. We’ve reached a decision.”

…”You’re going to advance to the top 3!”

Titties. Tears. America!

The grad students, David and Craig, go to meet their fate. Is The Claw gonna do it? All the years working in engineering, behind closed doors…hoping it’ll pay off. It’s not as bad as being a starving artist.

BM: “Tough decision, you answered some tough questions. You will not be going forward. Good luck.”

Yikes. Good luck with your MBA and Ph.D, guys.

Oh, Gregg Chavez. What am we going to do with you?

FIREMAN: “I hear my wife’s voice. She’s saying, ‘Greg’ guardian angel is a great invention, it’s going to save lives. The fear just goes away.” Is that what you consider pillow talk, Gregg? Yeesh.

PAT: “I was a playa hata, you showed me wrong. Your pitch was incredible, but the one thing I always struggled with was, will it work? Not just once but every time. We made our decision. You’re one of the top 3!”

American heroic music plays. It might as well be the national anthem. “I accomplished something good in the world, other than having children and banging my wife.”

Hm: Wrapaway Catholics v.s. Ricky DeRennaux, who will win?

This is not hard. The answer is B.

The brothers are up first, so you can safely assume that they’ll be eliminated first. ABC would end on an uplifting note. But then they got tricky, with both segments unfolding simultaneously, alternating with each other. Throw in the requisite ambiguous judge comments, like “Your students will always be proud of you” and “You’ve created something great, really you have.”

You claim you’re not twins, but you go ahead and dress like this. All the time.

“Goodbye, Saranwrap masters! You’ll be going home, to die.” – BM

Ricky is our last finalist. I like him. Quick and simple. But then he has to start crying.

Titties, Fireman, Teacher — whose invention will reign supreme? You can text your choice to a number that I refuse to list here. Fifty cents per text? What the eff? Why can’t you just vote online?

Ricky continues to cry. “We have a one in three chance of winning!”

“Youse comin’ tah Hollywood to see yo’ mommy!” screams Elaine to her kids on the phone. HEH. I hope she wins, just for that one line.

Boyfriend:”This thing is over next week, right?”

BM: “I’d rather be on Posh Spice’s new show.”

We can only hope. Are you still alive? I’d give you a cupcake for making it this far through the recap. Like, a major cupcake with sprinkles. Who will win next week? Do I care? Boobs.