Hi Gasmii!! P-Baby here with another fine edition of America’s Next Top Model Cycle 15. Did you all realize the end is nigh? I totally blanked on the fact that a double elimination hadn’t occurred so when The Banks made such an announcement, I said to myself, “Well hot damn! This shit is almost over! Maybe now I can finally give Tim Roth and Lie To Me the attention they deserve.” (Side note: I may find him attractive. I can’t figure out why as he is by no means “commercial” looking but if being sexually attracted to a short, fidgety British man who of repeatedly violates personal space bubbles is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.)
Where were we? Right. Milan. With Ann, Chelsey, Kayla, and Jane. Worst slumber party EVER. Chelsey would probably freeze my bra when my head was turned and Ann would ask to braid my hair to which I’d look at her in horror and gasp, “Get away from me Dementor, have you SEEN your head lately?” Anyway, as per usual, 3 minutes in I already know whose scrawny hindquarters are leaving at the end but I won’t ruin it for us today. At the apartment, Kayla will seriously not STFU about winning best photo two weeks in a row. Does Kayla not know who Ann is? Granted, Ann is pretty quiet but I figured since they essentially sleep in the same bed in their “small” Milan apartment and have actually been living together for past couple months or so, she might have an inkling of who the girl that won best photo FIVE TIMES IN A ROW is.
Hark! The Mail of Tyra! ”Modeling is 100% you and 50% who you blow know.” I couldn’t agree more T Bags. The next day, the models meet Miss J and he tells the girls they need to work on their personalities so people will remember them and book them. He brings out an Italian acting coach named Barbara. Needless to say, Babs got hosed in the name department.
Babs is here to teach the girls how to be more expressive and emotional and tells them to ditch the shy act. One shiny quarter to the first reader that guesses which lady is nervous.
After some skits and workshops, we say goodbye to Mammary Babs but not before Miss J mindfucks the girls by telling them they are meeting someone super super important and that personality is key to the meeting going well. The only good thing about all of these important meetings is that unlike other reality shows where I’d give my right tit (if you recall, I’ve already given the left one away in an earlier recap) to meet Bret Michaels/Jeff Probst/DJ Pauly D, I don’t give a rat’s ass about 90% of the people these girls have met thus far. Therefore, I don’t get jealous and stay solid in my decision to keep myself from applying to a reality show.
The girls get bused to a building with the coolest elevator ever besides the Great Glass Elevator and arrive at the door leading to Vogue Italia. They walk into an office and I honestly don’t even know what’s going on right now.
I think this requires closer inspection.
K, well turns out Dee and Gaga’s baby is actually not Dee and Gaga’s baby, and I can’t be the only one relieved but left wishing something that awesome would be spawned to this earth. The woman in question is actually the editor-in-chief of Vogue Italia named Franca Sozzani. And as one of my lovely readers reminded me, she is the wonderful lady that gave birth to this heavenly creature…
Wow. For so many different reasons. Admittedly, even I can remove the snark glasses and say that I’m excited for the models because in their world, it’s a really big deal to meet this woman. The challenge for the girls is to present themselves one on one to Franca to make a good impression as she is the one allowing them a spread in her magazine.
Kayla goes first and she really needs to work on sounding more intelligence when she speaks. I know she is only 19 and nervous to meet such a big wig but for God’s sake lady, the word “like” is still going to be part of the English language even if you stop saying it every 5 seconds. You know what word we should use more? Poppycock.
Franca is very hard to read and offers no feedback. Chelsey comes in next and while it makes me feel like she is trying a little too hard, I appreciate the fact that she spoke a little Italian to introduce herself. She’s very bubbly and blabbering away through the whole thing. Franca’s smile makes it seem like she’s hiding the Volturi in the basement.
Ann waltzes in. Franca looks at book. Ann waltzes out.
Last in is Jane and as she shakes Franca’s hand, she tells her what an honor it is to meet her like Franca is the president or the inventor of lacrosse or something. Easy there, Jane. Jane is such a pretty girl and appears to have her hamster wheel spinning at a decent level so I’m not sure why she always seems to struggle for words in social situations.
Well, since there can only be one winner and Chelsey sucked the least, Chelsey wins again. I like how Chelsey’s victories have come as a result of the competition just being flat out inept at life in general. I tend to think a win is much more exciting when you really work for it but since Chelsey has wanted this for sooooooooo long and deserves to be there more than anyone else ever in the history of the universe, she’ll take it. Her prize is getting to go on a tour with Andre and a friend to see the Last Supper painting and stay overnight in a luxurious hotel. I would totes go National Treasure/Da Vinci Code on this painting and start casing the place for fall out walls and tiles to find my next clue to the treasure. Since these girls aren’t awesome like me, they just stand there pretending to be into it. Chelsey even manages some crocodile tears. Nicely played.
Meanwhile, back at the model pad, Ann and Jane throw a party I’d much rather attend with Chinese food and vodka. Ann draws an anime version of the last supper on a napkin. Between the Chinese, booze, and cartoon, Ann’s stock just rose 100 points in the P-Baby house.
No one cares about Chelsey and Kayla in their stupid hotel room but that’s where they are in case you wanted to know.
Ann and Jane receive some Tyra mail for the next day while the other ladies are out. ”Movement creates energy. Tomorrow you’ll be models on the move.” Ann and Jane are totally dorking out in the house and I like them so much more for it.
The next day, the nitwits are bused to another beautiful Italian villa, kind of like last week’s place with the statues only instead of Nigel and his pit stains, we get Jay and his pre-pubescent sized wardrobe. He welcomes them to Verona so I guess they are in Verona. Usually I like Jay but this cycle he’s been meh for me. Oh well, maybe he’s pregnant or something. He tells the girls they will be acting today and that two of them will be going home at the elimination.
The Banks finally shows herself and informs the girls that she will be directing them in a motion editorial. According to Tyra, “A lot of fashion houses are actually bringing their photos to life.” I’d like to get Tyra’s definition of a lot. Anyway, the ladies are intimidated as they can barely pose in front of a still camera. The stylist for the shoot is a young chickadee from Vogue Italia named Valentina who will be assisted by Francesca. Their names serve no purpose except to show you what Babs is missing out on with her First Lady-esque moniker. Also, they should be named because these stylist hos rocked it with their clothing selection.
I’m not really sure how to recap the filming of this motion editorial but there’s a lot of uncomfortable flipping, flapping, twirling, gyrating, crying, Tyra noise, jaw jacking, and hair tossing done by all four girls. No significant breakdowns or complete standouts. They change a few times and keep up the spastic movements which will undoubtedly get edited to within an inch of its life to make this motion editorial look decent. Here are a few shots of each girl during their respective shoots.
PANEL TIME! After a last minute wardrobe change, Tyra loses the Claire’s earrings and high school Valentine’s Dance dress…
… in favor of a flattering nude and black dress with straps. What the hell is Banks getting herself into in Milan with these dresses I actually like? Even Franca approves. I can tell by her mouth lines.
Since there’s not one definitive photo the girls are getting judged on, I’ll use some captures from their film. Up first is Chelsey.
I’m not going to lie, I don’t like this wench. But she has a killer walk and her future Big Brother audition video was awesome too. The judges agree.
Next is Jane. Jane looks absolutely gorgeous in her video. She really needs to get herself a copy of this and distribute en mass to Maxim/Playboy/TMZ if she wants to maintain her Z lister status. Tyra loves her face but the judges all agree her body movements are too edited and unnatural.
Ann’s turn. Ann’s is good. Ann just may win this thing after all. The judges clearly love her but really want her to work on her runway walk. Or just walking in general, you know, from here to there.
Kayla brings up the rear and her film is great as well. None of these ladies blew this shoot and that may be a testament to Tyra, who appears to have finally stopped fucking around and is now trying to find a real model. The judges love her performance and Franca thinks that Kayla has a very specific look but means it as a compliment.
After much deliberation, Ann is called first with Chelsey second. With that, we have our final two out of the initial 14. Gasmii, what do you think of the finalists? Who’s going to win? Who should win? Chalk me up to Team Ann for this showdown! Have a great Thanksgiving and see you all in two weeks for the finale!!
PS. I forgot to mention that the final video was actually way better than I expected it to be. I tried to find video of just Tyra’s film but after vigorous searching of you tube for approximately 30 seconds, I gave up because I’m hungry and need to eat my Chinese food. You can see it at www.youtube.com/user/iPLAYANTM.