ANTM: Featuring Non-Cycle 13 Hobbits

This week on America’s Next Top Model, we learn why models are so skinny.

Cooking FAIL Looks like it’s back to water and cigarettes…

We open this week with Fatty (Alexandra) telling us that she’s not here to make friends (groan), she’s here just eat the shit out of this sandwich. Jessica is freaked out by landing in the bottom two last week, and Old Lady (Krista) is thrilled that she’s won best photo two weeks in a row. Now she can die happy, which should be sometime next week. Hood Rat (Angelea) meanwhile isn’t too pleased, saying that she doesn’t know why Old Lady is doing so well and also revealing that their friendship has deteriorated as Old Lady and Fatty have bonded. Call it a hunch, but Hood Rat’s dripping jealousy might be part of the problem.

We then cut to the kitchen, where Jessica is attempting to “cook” tacos by resting the hard shells on top of a toaster. This is going to end well. Sure enough, one of the shells falls inside the toaster and the whole thing goes up in flames. In the middle of all the shrieking — while Old Lady looks on with amusement at the hysteria of these whippersnappers — Jessica brilliantly decides to throw a wet towel on an electrical fire, prompting Fatty to question Jessica’s parenting skills to us. THIS is what made you start questioning her parenting skills? I started doing that between learning her slutty Jesus ass got knocked up at 16 and… no, that’s was pretty the moment. However, Old Lady and Fatty take it way too far and begin mocking Jessica to her face about how she’s a terrible stay at home mom since she doesn’t even know how to cook. The girl’s 18 and probably has her hands full with the product of her sinful lust. Give her a break.

The girls get Tyra Mail and head off for a challenge. During the trip, Old Lady and Fatty continue being bitchy by making fun of Eyebrows (Raina) for remembering the wording of the Tyra Mail. I don’t care for Eyebrows, but all she did was recite a 10 word sentence. And it’s Tyra Mail, not the opening lines of Great Expectations. Eyebrows tells us that she’s not going to let it bother her, and that she’s used to being made fun of as she wasn’t the cutest kid in the world.

I bet she had to be the “special kid” when they played school.

The girls arrive in a beautiful hilly area, which Mr. Jay indicates was the setting for scenes in the Lord of the Ring trilogy. He also introduces an actress, who evidently played one of the hobbits. Glad to see you’re milking that for all it’s worth — and then some. Jessica and Eyebrows are beside themselves with glee, while Hood Rat tells us that she “don’t know wat a hobbit iz, right?” Haha, of course she doesn’t. I don’t think Frodo makes it to the hood very often. For the challenge, the girls will have to pose in the tiny doorways of these hobbit houses on the hills, and they each only get 5 frames.

Fatty goes first, telling us that she doesn’t have any body issues and she hasn’t experienced any self-consciousness over her weight during the competition. Judging from the amount of food we’ve seen her shovel in, I would agree with that. She does okay overall but does a bizarre on her back/legs up and spread apart pose that I would expect from Jessica instead. Old Lady is next, telling us that Hood Rat is her biggest competition, and acknowledging the rift that Hood Rat spoke of earlier. She continues to excel, using decades of experience. Next is Jessica, who immediately tells us that she’s super nervous, which does not bode well for her. She strikes a bunch of sweet poses, but I agree with Fatty (ack) that it looked very commercial and was clearly worse than either Fatty or Old Lady. Hood Rat and Eyebrows also do well, while babbling about being competition and being inspired by the scenery, respectively. Yawn. Both of you need a new shtick.

Afterward, Mr. Jay tells Fatty that her Jessica pose belonged in a men’s magazine not a fashion magazine; Eyebrows’ face was great but her pose was uncomfortable; Jessica’s poses were too simple and commercial; and both Hood Rat and Old Lady did great. Upon hearing that, Hood Rat tells us this is her chance at “redemption” and Old Lady tells us she wants to keep sticking it to Hood Rat. And the winner is? Old Lady, who not only wins $3000 worth of clothes as the challenge winner, but who also gets an additional $1500 worth of clothes for being last week’s photo winner. Hood Rat nearly drowns in her jealousy, refusing to even look at the prizes when the girls arrive home. Way to be a good sport! Not like Old Lady’s the most gracious winner, either.

“Even without my dentures, I am the best! GO ME!”

Later that night, Old Lady and Fatty are back to their mean girl antics, mocking Hood Rat’s club runway walk from last week. While that thing WAS totally ridiculous, Old Lady and Fatty yet again take things too far, as they repeatedly imitate the walk, nearly collapsing with laughter, as Hood Rat stands only a few feet away. Old Lady tells us that Hood Rat can dish it but can’t take it, and while that may be partially true, I also think that Old Lady and Fatty don’t know where the line is because teasing and being cruel. As for Hood Rat, she says that it doesn’t bother her (lie) because she’s been through a lot worse shit, growing up in bad part of Buffalo. We then cut to her audition from cycle 12, talking about sleeping at the bus stop, and dear lord has her accent become better. There was more slurring back then than me last night at the karaoke bar.

Tyra Mail arrives, talking about shadowing other models. I’m hoping it’s the CoverGirl commercial and that’s a play on eyeshadow, because it’s certainly not Take Your ANTM Contestant to Work Day over at Elite Model Management. Jessica starts ringing red elimination flags at me as she talks about how much she misses nearly burning down the kitchen at home and imposing her hypocritical religious views on her son. Talking about wanting to go home nearly always leads to actually going home, which is a shame because I would much rather see Fatty eliminated than Jessica. Speaking of Fatty, we catch a rare moment with her the next day that doesn’t feature her stuffing her face, as she talks to Old Lady about how annoying she finds Eyebrows. Cue Eyebrows pooping up and shouting things like “morning, glories!” and “oh mylanta!” while ooohing over how “inspirational” the view is. Okay, I’d want to punch her in the face too. Repeatedly. While holding a brick.

The girls arrive at their photoshoot. Unfortunately, it’s not a CoverGirl commercial but rather a photoshoot involving shadows with stupid ass Tyra as the photographer. In hair and makeup — which inexplicably involves caking each girl’s hair with ten pounds of mud– Jessica is super nervous again, worrying that she’s not fierce enough, which means she likely won’t be. The fact that the grey mud in her hair has made her look like the witch from Snow White isn’t helping, either.

“If I’m not at least as fair as Eyebrows’ baby picture, I’m going to have to do some anger fucking.”

Fatty is up first, and the “shadow” part of the shoot involves Tyra ordering assistants to hold different types of cloth and stencils over Fatty until they find the one they like the best. Surprisingly, for Fatty the winning pattern is not of sloppy joes. Fatty does okay, avoiding the up-the-nostrils pose but offering several of the arched-back variety. I give up on her, and I don’t understand why she’s still here.

Old witch Jessica is continuing to talk about missing her kids, so she clearly has a death wish. During her shoot, Tyra repeatedly asks/demands that Jessica be more edgy and less commercial, but it’s a waste of her time. It’s like asking a bunny not to be adorable or Guy Fieri not to be a douche. Ain’t happening. Jessica thinks she got a good picture in the end — inspired by Tyra asking her how she makes babies — but I’m convinced she’s in the bottom two and think someone’s going to have to bite it really hard to go home instead.

Eyebrows has to pose topless but doesn’t seem fazed, as Tyra tells us that Eyebrows was the only girl she was excited to shoot. That being said, Eyebrows appears to really struggle during the shoot, and Jay suggests to us that it may be because Eyebrows didn’t like the premise of the shoot so she couldn’t really get into it. Nobody cares what you think or even if you CAN think, honey, so knock it off. Whatever the problem was, I don’t think it’s bad enough to pass Jessica.

Hood Rat goes next and seems to get a good shot after struggling at first, and Old Lady appears to kick ass. Don’t really have much to say about them since they’re both clearly safe and likely both going to be in the final three given all the time devoted to this competition storyline. I’m just glad the photoshoot is over so I don’t have to listen to Tyra squawk about showing her your secrets or whatever slightly creepy bullshit she repeated over and over.

Panel! Fatty is up first and while it has a bit of her arched-back pose to it, I think it is by far the best picture I’ve seen of her. She actually looks pretty instead of averagey to me for the first time. The judges like it, as they should for once.

“Tyra got the idea to use a tablecloth after I ate everything off the Craft Services table. I love noms.”

I really dislike Eyebrows’ picture, but the judges receive it better than I would have expected. I can barely find her eyes and I agree with Andre that she looks super pissed. More than anything, she reminds me of a mermaid caught in a fishing net. Tyra tells Eyebrows that she lacked passion during the shoot, and needs to show that passion no matter what she privately thinks about the shoot.

“Have you SEEN my eyebrows? Oh Mylanta! I left myself get caught so I can go get a waxing already.”

I agree with the judges on Hood Rat’s picture — her body looks soft and relaxed, but her expression is a little bland, caught somewhere between tough and relaxed, as if she wasn’t sure what to go for. I also think this is the tranniest we’ve seen her look in a long, long time.

“Dem bitches, dey want sof’, dey want tuff — deys needs to make up deys damn minds, right?”

Jessica’s picture is okay, although I’m not really a fan of how close up it is. It’s a bit overwhelming to the eye. Andre has nothing to say — which is what helped get Gaby sent home in the first week, when her picture failed to inspire comment — and Nigel tells Jessica that her profile isn’t her strongest asset and she needs to continue to work on being less commercial. As for Tyra, she thinks that the shadow is wearing Jessica, rather than the other way around. She’s so going home. Boo.

“Tyra said I should start thinking that shadows are condoms, because we all know I don’t believe in wearing the latter.”

Finally, it’s Old Lady’s turn. I love the picture, and the judges go nuts, with Tyra even going as far as saying that it was a joy to work with Old Lady and she wished it hadn’t ended as soon as it did. Jesus. Why not hand her the crown now? One thing I can’t help but noting though is that I find photoshoots like this to be a bit unfair. If you had swapped the stencils used on Jessica and Old Lady, I’m not convinced that their photos wouldn’t also receive swapped comments. Jessica had to work with a very tight, busy design that overwhelmed her face, whereas Old Lady had a strong, wide design that allowed so much more of her to come through. The stencil decision undoubtedly affects the reaction to the photograph, with some girls benefiting and others at a disadvantage it seems like. Oh well. It’s ANTM, why should I give a shit?

“I look like those zebras I saw on safari in 1953.”

Deliberations. Fatty’s picture is stunning and Nigel is finally “getting it” with her. She threatened to gnaw your leg off, didn’t she Nigel? Eyebrows looks angry but not pretty, and her film wasn’t very impressive overall. Hood Rat looked more relaxed than normal, but her eye contact was lacking and Tyra felt that she had to struggle to shoot her. Jessica is the girl next door, but her close ups are not very good and she can’t model through high-concept. Old Lady’s picture is amazing and belongs on a magazine cover right now. I’m confident that Jessica’s gone. Boo.

Here’s the order: Old Lady (three times in a row!), Fatty and Hood Rat, leaving Eyebrows and Jessica in the bottom two. Jessica is there because she’s too commercial, which is a money maker, not a career maker. Eyebrows is there because while she’s romantic and couture, she can’t invoke edge. And who’s going? Jessica, of course. I will miss our slutty Jesus girl.

So what did you think? Did Jessica deserve the boot, or should it have been Eyebrows or someone else? Do you care about the Old Lady/Hood Rat drama, or do you think it’s overplayed? And who do you think will be the final two? My money’s on Old Lady for sure, but I can’t decide between Hood Rat and Eyebrows. If Fatty makes it that far, I will be PISSED!

See you next week for the two hour season finale!