America’s Next Top Model: I Have Patrick

Greetings, Gasmii!  P-Baby here with your latest recap of the snoozefest also known as ANTM.  I don’t know for sure what the deal is in terms of bore factor this season but I may have pinpointed part of the problem.  I assess in a feeble attempt to gain fashion industry credibility, Tyra has dialed the crazy down 7,438 notches and is actually trying to find someone who will have a real high fashion career and not JC Penny’s catalogue career.   Not that I’ve got anything against the JC Penny’s catalogue.  My mom got my freshmen year bedding set out of that thing.  Well, Tyra, I’ve got news to deliver.  We don’t want to see serious, real, high fashion, pretentious bullshit.  We want crazy bitches posing with fake babies or in grave sites arguing over eating disorders, throwing drinks on weaves, and hobagging around with male models.  This is the CW, after all.   I didn’t watch Dawson’s Creek for six years because I identified emotionally with the characters and was also coming of age.

So Gasmii, last night begins as it usually does, with mindless chatter amongst the models about how bad they all want to win and how Ann is really taking a big shit on all their aspirations to do so.  Chelsey is pissed because she has yet to win best photo and has been working on her modeling career for a long time.  Kayla is excited to even be there since she used to be poor.  That’s it for the pre-challenge chatter.  What the hell Tyra?  This sucks.   As much as her Ashlee Simpson/Ugly Duff face annoyed me, Lexie would at least cuss a bitch out.  They dumped Anamaria to early too, that girl had serious bitchface potential.

Tyra Mail arrives indicating something or someone at the door.  While my mind immediately jumps to Nigel wearing only a big red bow or a gigantic flaming Tyra crapbag, it is actually just a boring bag containing Cover Girl make up kits.

Labels on the kits break the girls down into three teams of three.  They are to work together in order to create a Cover Girl look with the provided Cover Girl smokey eye kits, with hints that they’ll be presenting their ideas to the public the next day.  Kacey tells us that, surprise, she hates working in groups and likes to be on her own.  Ann is worried about being a quiet person and wants to attempt to put her personality more out there at the risk of frightening small children and boring everyone to death with her monotone mumblings.

After having time to haphazardly put together this presentation, the girls are bused to the holy mecca of all things cheap, Walmart.    No they are not hear to scoop up work-release dates for another awkward house party (we’ll leave the Walmart mating to those chippies over at Teen Mom) but are instead there to give their Smokey Eye presentation to a group selected at random.  Nigel greets them in the parking lot and lets them know it is very important for a model to not only be hungry and gaunt at all times but to also be brimming with personality when they are really dead on the inside due to malnutrition.  No matter how sexy Nigel’s British accent is while describing the competition, he can’t disguise the fact that this is one glorified Cover Girl commercial and now I feel like Tyra owes me a Lash Blast mascara to make up for writing about all this.  The best part about this challenge is that the winners receive…a shopping spree through the Cover Girl aisle at Walmart.  Is this seriously the same episode that Patrick Demarchelier is in?  God, he must absolutely hate himself for this right now.

The girls man their stations and wait for the crowd to come in.  Ann’s zits tell me that she likes to stay under the radar.  Too bad this is damn near impossible when you are 6’2 and 83 pounds.  The randomly selected crowd wanders into the tent where the girls are sitting and Team 1 consisting of Ann, Kendal, and Jane introduce themselves to what appears to be a bunch of young Asian children.  Way to nail the target audience, CW.

Team Two is comprised of Kayla, Kacey and Esther.  They do a decent job selling the product and Kacey actually comes off well.  Kayla says she’s a sporty girl which I guess is lesbian code for “I don’t like make-up but this is easy.”  Overall, they charm the crowd and are definitely better than Team One.

Team Three made up of Chris, Chelsey and Liz also sell their product fairly well but Chris turns into the overbearing obnoxious self I almost was able to forget about from episode one and takes over the whole thing.

At the conclusion of the presentation, Nigel rounds up the girls and has them sit in a room while he goes to interview people from the audience about how the models did.  The interviews will play back on a TV in the model waiting room.  Nigel goes into total creeper mode and seems way too excited about the fact that the girls will watch the audience’s opinions of them.  Nigel, stop being such a gossipy little bitch and go back to being your suave, snide self.  Also adding to the creeper status is the fact that Nigel had a plant in the crowd that was taking notes on everyone’s individual performance.

Nigel starts peppering the crowd with questions about how the girls did, starting with Ann.  The general consensus is that Ann was too quiet.  Kayla is given a compliment that showing the ease and sporty side of the make up is appealing, as explained by a random Asian guy with a sporty sister.  Damn it, people.  Sporty is a Spice Girl, and the ugly one at that.  Please use the word athletic.  Thank you.  That is all.

Kacey is described as nice and approachable.  Kacey’s hell has frozen over and Lexie rolls in her tacky mall hair ANTM eliminated grave.  Chris talked over people too much but takes the criticism well.  Meh on Chelsey’s presentation due to overshadowing by Chris.  The crowd gives Ann the lowest score overall, which means Ann needs to put the pointy sorcerer’s hat and Magic cards back in the closet, GTFOI, and start behaving like a normal, functioning grown-up.  Team Two wins (Kacey, Esther, Kayla) and Kacey gets the highest overall score from the audience.  I’m just glad the bitch didn’t scream like she did last week.

Team Two hauls ass to the Cover Girl aisle in Walmart and starts loading their reusable shopping bag with foundations and stuff.  Well, as cheap and lame as I think this whole challenge is, I’ll admit that I could do some serious damage if left alone to take whatever out of the Walmart make-up aisle.  That shit adds up really quick.  And don’t even get me started on all the Bonne Bell booty I could get my hot little hands on if given the chance.

The girls are then given an add on challenge to create the best Cover Girl look which I guess I missed the first time around.  Esther wins that, with the prize being a $1000 Walmart gift card.  I could buy a shit load of $5 DVDs stuff for the kitchen with 1000 Walmart dollars.  So I guess Kacey doesn’t win anything for having the highest score?  I’m confused.  I don’t really care though because Kacey’s a bitch and Esther is cutely awkward.  Plus, she fell last episode so I like her by default.

Nigel again is creepily excited about all the make-up the girls score in their shopping spree and insists on a four way hug when it’s all said and done.  OK, Banks.  What have you done with my reserved, haughty,  Nigel?  This manic, pervy, sit on my lap and tell me about school Uncle Nigel has gots to go.  He’s freaking me out.

Tyra Mail.  ”Tomorrow will be no walk of shame but rather a walk of fame.”  Well, the girls have no idea what this means but I kind of wish they’d sit around and start telling stories about their most embarrassing walk of shame.  Mine?  Cab ride at 5AM in sparkly dress, heels in hand, after unnamed fraternity formal.  Didn’t run into anyone of note but something about the skeevy cab driver totes knowing why he was picking my ass up at 5AM at a fraternity house in a dress with smeared eyeliner is just embarrassing in and of itself.

The next day, the models are transported to Rodeo Drive and Kendal is super stoked.  Kendal just became my favorite because she is so, so excited and pronounces it RO-dee-o rather than Ro-Day-O, as in the place where cattle get wrangled and you can throw peanuts on the ground with clowns entertaining people rather than the place where Insert Kardashian Sister shops and shuts the street down.  Kendal = love.

Jay meets the ladies on the street and introduces them to stylist Lori Goldstein, an adorable little blonde woman who is SERIOUS about fashion.  Patrick Demarchelier is announced as the photographer on the shoot today and the girls all shit themselves.  I think only about half of them actually knows who he is and the other half fake it because he seems important.  Gasmii, P-Baby had a total brain fart during this whole segment.  I kept getting confused because I thought Patrick was the old dude that Kelly “Satchels of Gold” Bensimon was married to and divorced from but her name isn’t Demarchelier and I literally pondered this for ten minutes until I realized it was that other old ass photographer, Gilles Bensimon.  Bad P-Baby.  Never shall famed photographers and D-List reality stars get crossed in your head again.

Can we just discuss for a minute about what the FUCK Patrick Demarchelier is doing on this show?  The show where Lauren “You KNOW what you did!” Conrad once was a guest judge?  Where Miss J wore a clown collar eating his head for an ENTIRE SEASON?  The only comparison I can draw is this.  I read somewhere once that Oscar winner Christopher Walken rarely turns down an acting role because he prefers working to not and legitimately has fun acting, playing any role that comes his way.  I can only hope that Patrick is in the same boat as Chris from a photography standpoint and genuinely enjoys his time as a photographer, whether it be on a high fashion photo shoot for the cover of Rolling Stone or photographing a bunch of non-models on Rodeo Drive as a favor to The Banks.  Can you just imagine all the shit-talking going down at Vogue right now?  Andre Leon Talley on this show is one thing because all he really does is sit there looking like Jabba the Nut and talk excitedly in made up words.  Patrick has a precise technical and artistic talent.  Oh well, dollars is dollars.  Everyone’s got bills to pay.

The shoot will have the girls paired off together along with a male model doing a motion shot walking down the street.  They will each also get a solo motion shot.  Patrick looks miserable.  Jay pairs the girls off for the photos and Chelsey is pissed to find out she’ll be sharing a picture with Ann.  Don’t get pissed Chelsey.  Use it as an opportunity to show how good you can be.  Getting pissed is just like giving up before the picture is even shot.  The girls are way too accepting of Ann dominating the photos and instead of having a fire lit under their bony asses, they just accept it.  Bitches need a lesson on competition.

The Banks finally makes an appearance, as if she could pass up an opportunity to show how close her and Patrick Demarchelier are.  Nigel is chomping at the bits that he’s been replaced by someone more noted and more photographer like.  There, there Nigel.  If it’s any consolation, you’re still way cuter than Patrick’s wrinkly ass.

Also, I don’t want to comment on Tyra’s streetwear anymore because that’s just what she wants but honestly.  She is dressed like someone who wants to be a journalist so she puts together what she believes to be what a journalist wears on the beat and in reality just looks like an asshole in a fedora.

Jane and Kacey are in a picture together with not a whole lot to report back except Patrick tells Kacey to wake up and Jane is beautiful.  Boring.

Ann and Chelsey are up next with their model but Ann starts getting nervous as a crowd builds around the photo shoot.  Ann does know that part of the whole modeling thing is to walk runways in major fashion capitals in front of hundreds of people wearing barely nipple concealing attire right?  Because right now she cowers at the sight of a gathering of twenty people at a tourist attraction.  Also, Ann is wearing red Chuck Taylors and still looks like she’s going to trip over her own legs walking, despite getting off easy in the footwear department.

Kayla and Esther start their shoot and Kayla’s in trouble as her hooker heels are too small, causing severe pain to her feet.  That’s about all that is interesting with this one.  Guys, Banks has not given me a whole lot to work with this episode.  I blame Patrick.

Kendal and Liz up next and Patrick tells Liz to stop talking so much.

Chris is finally up last and I think this is the best I’ve seen her look at a photoshoot thus far.

Panel time.  What the hell with another one-shouldered dress Tyra?  Is she afraid to have both shoulders covered at once?  Do her motor skills falter if both collarbones are hidden?  Does her head explode if her neckline is symmetrical?  Why? Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?

Patrick looks like he’d rather be co-guarding the gates of Hell with Saddam Hussein than sitting on that panel next to “noted” fashion photographer Nigel Barker.

Liz and Kendal are up first and their picture is pretty great.  Patrick offers incredibly poignant feedback, saying the girls were relaxed and did a good job.  Is he for real?  I can say that crap too and I’m about as noted a photographer as Nigel’s sweet ass.

Here are the solo shots of Liz and Kendal.  They like the fact that they can see the product in Kendal’s picture but Liz’s picture leaves much to be desired.

Esther and Kayla’s group shot is also great, with Esther looking retro and gorgeous.  Kayla’s shoes definitely impacted her photo and Kayla makes the mistake of informing the panel her shoes were small.  Tyra starts ranting that modeling is not about them but about the fashion and keeping complaints to themselves.  Bear in mind Kayla did not complain, rather made a factual statement with no excuses made as Tyra was the one that brought her shoes up to begin with.  The Modeling universe has officially collapsed on itself when Tyra “ME,ME, OMG, LOOK AT ME” Banks starts lecturing someone else that it’s not all about them.  The Banks really looks for any misstep to use against these girls sometimes.  Loathe.

Esther’s walking shot displays the products well and she is a bit Kim Kardashian-esque in it face wise.

Kayla’s walking solo shot is decent.  Andre says she looks like Kate Moss’s best friend but I find that comparison strange as Kayla in no way resembles a controlled substance.

Jane and Kacey are up next and Jane kills it in the group photo.  Kacey somehow manages to look detached in a group of three which speaks volumes as to her personality.

Jane’s solo shot is equally fabulous and Jane should be sticking around another week.

Kacey’s solo shot is ok but you can’t see her face and she’s really just such a bitch.

Ann and Chelsey’s group shot looks cohesive between the three and Nigel compliments Chelsey.  Ann looks great in the picture, but honestly no better than the other girls and definitely not better than Jane.

Tyra does an impression of Ann walking down the street and I curse myself for actually laughing at something The Banks does.

Ann’s solo shot is ok but Andre gushes over it like it is a cupcake with extra frosting.  It’s decent, I guess?  But what the hell, because Jane’s picture was awesome and Esther’s was really pretty too.  Done drinking from the Ann Kool-Aid until these judges get themselves under control.

Chelsey’s solo shot is good too.  I see her in final four.

Chris’s photo with the male model is mediocre and Andre says he would cut it because it doesn’t make his belly tremble.  1.  That is fucking gross and 2.  I, under no circumstances, ever want to find out what does make his belly tremble.

Her solo shot is adorable and I love, love, love her outfit.

Gasmii, long story short.  Ann wins best photo AGAIN.

I’m officially over it because twice is legit, three is questionable, four is ridiculous and five is more producer-rigged than Big Brother. Especially when Jane clearly had the best photo of the day.  Now I feel bad for Ann because  her demise has got to be coming within the next couple episodes.  I also feel bad for me because I’m not sure I can take a full episode of Ann and her zit chin sobbing over shit that doesn’t matter yet again.  The only redeeming thing about this whole episode is that Kacey finally gets booted with Tyra basically saying that she wasn’t skilled enough to hang with the cool kids yet.

So, was it just me Gasmii or was this episode a snoozefest?  I know not every week will be drama filled but do you think The Banks toned it down to be more professional around Patrick?  That’s my guess.  See you guys next week!