Hi Gasmii! P-Baby Walker of Moviegasm here, so incredibly excited to branch out to my second true love, Reality TV. Today, my mission is to bring you this season’s recaps of America’s Next Top Model. Can you believe there have been 15 cycles of this crap already on TV? Which means there have also been 15 lucky ladies crowned “Top Model” yet I still keep seeing the same skinny bitches on the covers of all my magazines. I guess “Top Model” is pretty loosely defined and up for deliberation but it’s of no matter. What matters is that Tyra, The Jays, and most importantly that sexy bitch Nigel Barker are back to entertain all of us with their fierceness, smizing, and a whole bunch of other words that make me want to puke in my mouth.
First and foremost, no episode of ANTM would be complete without its creator, Tyra Banks, completely pimping herself out for at least five minutes. Did you all know Tyra was the mastermind behind all this? If not, I’m sure she’ll take the time to fill you in. Every. Five. Seconds. Cue overdone intro of photographers and models while Tyra excitedly tells us that this year’s grand prize will include two fashion spreads in Italian Vogue AND the cover of Beauty In Vogue magazine. Your inflection doesn’t fool me, Banks. Italy is a pretty awesome, scenic country with amazing handbags and breadsticks but there’s no way Italian Vogue is better than cracking the pages of Anna Wintour’s Americanized bible. The show, afterall, is called AMERICA’s Next Top Model, not Italy’s Random Generic Model.
At this point, Tyra realizes that she hasn’t talked about herself in 55 seconds so we are treated to a montage of little Baby Tyra shots and her much-practiced “Woe is me, I was so awkward, it sucks to be tall, thin, and beautiful as a young woman,” story, including her “discovery” sitting on a bench on her first day of the 9th grade. I guess she faced a lot of rejections from modeling agencies after this initial discovery but the assload of pictures flashing across my TV have reassured me that she was indeed signed and rocketed to super stardom.
Along with the Italian Vogue stuff, the winner will be signed by IMG modeling agency, which is actually quite a well-reputed agency and also succomb to the requisite product hocking for Cover Girl cosmetics. I’m not gonna lie, though, I love me some Lash Blast mascara. That stuff is positively gravity-defying.
So Tyra has pulled out the big guns this season and managed to blackmail Zac Posen, Diane Von Furstenberg, and Roberto Cavalli into making appearances on her crappy show. There can only be one of two explanations for these established designers to agree to such idiocy. 1. An anonymous package containing nudie prints of the above mentioned in compromising positions arrived on Tyra’s doorstep with a hastily scribbled note encouraging her to do with them what she wishes. 2. The recession really has hit everyone that hard and short of hooking for pocket change, these three jokers’ fashion lines may be worse off than we realize and they are in dire need of some moola. None of them are actually in this episode so at least we have some fashion porn to look forward to.
So I’m assuming you all know the drill by now with the first episode of this season. If not, I’ll summarize. We’ll see a whole bunch of crazy bitches acting entitled/wacky/small town with about 15 to 20 of them actually featured in small plots or one on ones to the camera. Then about 2/3 of the way through, some of them will get cut. Then right at the end, the top 14 will be announced. The rest will cry at the initial shock of rejection, though I encourage them to hold their heads high as they slowly realize they just avoided becoming an asshole for all the masses to see on TV. Let’s get started, shall we?
The first two out of the gate of Chris and Terra White from Arlington, Texas. These two sisters are full of sass and would typically induce an eye-rolling from yours truly if I happened to be at the airport at the same time as them as their loud antics would be impeding my people-watching and tabloid reading. They strike me as the type that are probably pretty fun to party and shop with as one grows accustomed to their boisterous ways.
Next up is the first generic blonde of the season named Anamaria, who is 18 and from Queens, NY. My screen is kind of blurring over her name so I’m not sure if it has one or two N’s and I don’t care enough to look it up. Regardless, her name sounds like something Christopher Columbus sailed on so I will call her Santa Maria. And if she brings me presents at Christmas, then maybe I’ll root for her.
Generic blonde number two is named Kayla. She is 19 and from Rockford, Illinois. She’s a little less generic as she is in possession of a serious head of curly blonde hair. She also possesses a really sweet personality (so far) so she avoids the wrath of P-Baby this time around.
I should mention that these women are all flying into LAX and boarding a bus for an across-the-state road trip to hell. Or Palm Springs. Moving on.
Next on the bus is Vanessa, an 18 year old brunette from Lakeville, Minnesota. She saves me time by describing herself as a rich bitch. Is she trying to get people to hate her or does she honestly not realize how off-putting that is? While both choices would indicate some form of dementia, I hope for Vanessa’s sake it is the former, which at least means she has an inkling of self-awareness. Vanessa is a pageant girl, owning the title of Miss Minnesota Teen USA 2009. That’s a mouthful, but she doesn’t stumble over the title once, so I’m going to assume she’s pretty familiar with saying it. Who wants to bet her twitter name is MissMinnie09? Anyone?
We meet Emily who is 21 and from a small country town in West Virginia. I am initially confused as I thought all towns in West Virginia were small and country. Anyway, remember this little tidbit as it will be relevant shortly. Emily is pretty and rocking some nerd glasses so I want to like her but alas, as I already know how her story unfolds, I cannot.
After finding out their destination is Palm Springs, Kendal (23, Northport, Alabama) jumps on the screen to inform us she’s never been outside of Alabama so Palm Springs is sounding pretty good right now. Except she has no idea what Palm Springs is and just assumes that her deity Tyra would never lead her astray. I bet some others would disagree. Just ask Adrienne Curry. Bitch landed herself a Brady boy and STILL complains about never really receiving her promised grand prize. Shut it, A-Bag. You got yourself a piece of TV Land history, which is better than a crappy Tyra-backed contract any day of the week. Peter was the hot one anyway.
After the bus pulls away from the airport, we are treated to a little bit of elated rapping, courtesy of Kacey (20, Palmdale, California). Not to enforce stereotypes but yes, Kacey is African American. But don’t worry. We get some white girl rapping later. Kacey was previously seen on and cut from Cycle 11 and is back to impose herself once again on the unsuspecting public. She’s pretty in that haughty, I’m better than you way and the nerd glasses work on her as well.
As Kacey continues rapping, a quiet, unassuming girl named Ann looks on uncomfortably from the back of the bus. Ann is 19 and from Dallas, TX. Ann has also not consumed a morsel of food since approximately 1996. I feel for Ann because bitch is TALL and the definition of lanky. She also has a sweet personality, so no bullying of Ann from P-Baby. I’m also not completely sold on Ann so I’m not going to share my Chips Ahoy with her just yet, no matter how much she wants them.
I knew there had to be an “edgy” one in the crowd. Though instead of edgy, I tend to lean towards using “artsy fartsy” as a description. Jordan (18, Chicago, Illinois) is apparently doing us all a favor by appearing on this show. She’s got a bleached Peter Pan hair cut and is like, SO over it. I’ll bet the bitch knows her way around a Hot Topic or two.
Lexie (18, Geneva, Illinois) calls bullshit on Jordan’s edginess but I call bullshit on Lexie because she’s wearing a knit beanie beret thing in the summer in California. Lexie is the type that thinks she is better than the alternative crowd because she shops at Urban Outfitters rather than Hot Topic. Bitch, please.
Kayla (remember her? Curly head of blonde hair, sweet personality?) tells us she’s never been to California before and is nervous about all the fierce (Kayla, just because you are on Tyra’s show does not mean you need to stoop to her level) competition around her. Remember what I said about Kayla’s tide changing? That time is now.
With the ladies finally corralled into a room, the Jays finally grace us with their presence. These girls should be ashamed that both Jays are in fact prettier than all of them, and with better make up. De’yana (22, Detroit, Michigan) tells us it is complete chaos in the room with screaming girls cheering at the Jays. When I first typed De’yana’s name, I spelled it with a hyphen rather than an apostrophe. I quickly changed it as homegirl is from Detroit and has probably cut a bitch for slighter infractions.
Jay Manuel informs the group that the girl they were sitting next to on the bus was not coincidental and is actually who the powers that be consider as their direct competition. He explains that the industry power people automatically categorize them upon first looks. I like to categorize things too, though I’m more of an alphabetizer myself.
Sara (21, Menifee, CA, generic blonde) re-explains everything Jay just said, so she’s probably going to make the final cut because why else would they just have exposed her bad 90′s mall hair to me.
All the girls are herded into their respective hotel rooms and gush over their fine surroundings. I’ll give them this. I like a nice hotel as much as the next guy. I was pretty psyched when I stayed overnight at a Marriott on a road trip and they had cable channels I don’t regularly get. I’m easy to please I suppose.
Kacey and Lexie are rooming together on this venture and in fine cat fighting fashion immediately start gossiping about the other girls there. Kacey has a shit stirring entitled air about her, though it may just be the glasses. Lexie tells Kacey that Jordan told her she doesn’t want to be there. I suspect this will come back and bite Jordan in the ass verily. So long as no one talks about being there “for the right reasons” then it’s all gravy. I think we’ve established that the “right reasons” for appearing on a reality show include fame, Z-list status, and upgrading from a 1993 Honda Civic to a 2006 Honda Accord.
The girls are now all gathered around an outside area with patio furniture and lemonade basking in the California sun and suddenly start shrieking. Great. It’s fucking Tyra. She blabs on about bringing modeling to the masses and editorial fashion and being beautiful, etc. She then reviews the prizes with them AGAIN. I’m counting 3 times now that the prizes have been shoved down my throat. At this point, I’m probably going to spit on and then burn any copy of Italian Vogue that I come in contact with, which will probably be none because my weekly reading habits include Us Weekly and Star.
The wannabes line up in front of the Jays in preperation for their first runway walk challenge. Clothing from Cynthia Rowley has been shipped in for this joyous occasion. Meanwhile, Cynthia is probably holed up in her studio waiting for this shit to air, wondering if she’ll ever be relevant again. Answer? Not as long as Marchesa’s around kicking Oscar Red Carpet ass.
Ah hah! Another generic blonde! I knew there were more of them. Chelsey (22, Boise, Idaho) informs us that she’s loved Cynthia Rowley since she was a fetus. Chelsey’s claim to fame is that she is a blonde with freckles and a gap in her teeth. She deems all these qualities unique and unseen, though I’d like to draw Chelsey’s attention to a little film called American Gigolo. While Richard Gere’s full frontal is of utmost importance in the film, note his costar Lauren Hutton. Lauren was a bit of a trailblazer in the fashion icon arena. Her claims to fame? Some unruly blonde hair and will you looky there? A gap between her teeth! Suck it, Chelsey.
After donning Cynthia’s threads, the first group that has been categorized together are the “Quirky” girls. Jordan leads the pack and stomps like a Clydesdale down the side of the pool with Ann, Lexie, and a couple other unrecognizables who were doomed from the start. Jordan looks terrible and is told as much by Miss J who even mocks her walk to the delight of everyone else. Miss J is such a bitch and I love it.
Esther, Kacey, and Sara make up the “Sexy” group and they all rock it out pretty well. All three of them are very interesting to look at and will probably make the cut.
Following Sexy are the girls blessed with “Strong Bone Structure.”
Jane (19, Baltimore, MD) is in this group and she has an angular face that looks like it will probably photograph well. Kayla is also in this group and has managed to tame the beast for a few minutes to showcase her face.
Next up are the girls I love to hate. The “Blondes” which includes the unique and never before seen Chelsey, Santa Maria, and someone else. The “Brunettes” appear next and Vanessa of Miss Teen Minnesota 2009 fame starts blathering on about her family affluence AGAIN. I’m now convinced this bitch’s real name is actually Veronica Lodge and has transported herself straight from my Archie Comics and onto my television. Too bad for Vanessa/Veronica because Betty is probably giving Archie a BJ in the back of his jalopy as we speak.
Jay tells the girls that he sees some potential amongst the group ending the competition portion for the day and ushering in the requisite “Someone doesn’t want to be here” controversy. Kacey the Shit Stirrer decides to put Jordan on blast and pretty much forces Lexie into spilling about her conversation with Jordan on the bus. Lexie, loose lips sink ships. Or in this case, loose lips sink modeling “careers” that never were. Jordan wanders into the room at this precise moment and I almost feel bad for her until I remember that she is too cool for pop culture which means that she is dead to me.
Once the first bout of stupid drama ends, Jay, Miss J and Tyra are lined up behind the Judges’ Table ready to start the parade of tits, ass, jutting hip bones and ill-advised tattoos.
Kayla has her go at the table and is already drawing my wrath at her inability to locate the entrance to the room despite passing by it twice. She is excited to say the least but Tyra is distracted by her curls and dismisses her to slick that shit down and come back. She has issues leaving the room too and I’m beginning to wonder if Kayla may be someone of the Rain Man variety.
Miss J doesn’t seem to understand it either and calls Kayla an obviously natural blonde. I call her an obviously natural idiot.
Kacey struts in and immediately asks if Tyra remembers her. Best not to rock the boat Kacey. She already booted you once. Don’t remind her why. Girl isn’t getting any younger and Cycle 11 was two years ago. She sheds her what can only loosely be called a dress and is thin and gorgeous and making me think twice about skipping my run tomorrow morning.
Kayla comes back in and absolutely looks better and more modelesque with straight hair, though as a lifelong straight hair haver, I’d kill kittens for her curls. Damn it. Kayla slept in a sleeping bag until she was 13 because her family was poor and I’m officially going to hell for making fun of her. I’ll see you all there!
Next into the Judging Room is Rhianna. No, not the pop singer parading as a rock star with questionable fashion taste and a similarly questionable hand tattoo. Rhianna looks like what Mama Cass would look like if she was tall, skinny, and alive minus 50 years of aging. I like Rhianna though because she’s definitely high. In fact, let’s call her Mama Grass.
Esther pops in after Rhianna. Esther is an Orthodox Jewish girl wearing ridiculous pants and concealing some God given gems. Girlfriend has a 30 G chest. While I’ve often wished for a bit more in the chest region, Esther has officially made me glad that I can run to the grocery store sans bra with the bagger boy none the wiser.
Chelsey has been modeling since she was 13 in LA and stopped because she was too fat at 5’9 and 105 pounds.
Great, just as I thought things were full steam ahead, we interject with another bout of contrived drama. Apparently, Emilyof small town backwoods West Virginia wrote something not so nice in her diary. Emily was concerned about the roommate situation and wrote something along the lines of “I almost got stuck rooming with a black girl. Ewww.” Not defending Emily because that is an absolutely ignorant thing to write but she also probably didn’t expect it to be snooped on in her personal belongings and put on blast to the entire group AND Tyra. It’s not like she wrote it as her Facebook status. She wrote it in her diary. Regardless, I hope Emily learned from the whole thing, though getting screamed at by De’yana most likely did nothing to deter her from her current opinion.
Emily is up next to face Tyra. Tyra has caught wind of the controversy with Emily’s diary entry. Miss J doesn’t seem pleased either. No need to waste time here. Emily’s donezo.
Liz strolls in after extracting herself from Prom Night 1988 and is shooed away to de-accesorize herself and come back. We’ll deal with her later.
Jane’s up after Liz. Jane wants to combat Vanessa in the privileged wench category but is much less offensive despite her Princeton ivy league education and the fact that she doesn’t understand why people consider her spoiled after her parents built a barn for her so she could ride horses. Whatever. My parents would buy me Pez Dispensers at the grocery store as a treat when I was a kid. Same difference. Either way, Jane is far more pleasant than Vanessa and far more pleasant to look at too.
Liz is back after returning everything to Claire’s and cussing out the checkout girl and less is definitely more with Liz. Liz is a walking cliche of what a teen mom has to look forward to, only the Teen Moms I know are not nearly as attractive or together as Liz. Liz, how you doing today?
Tyra likes Liz and she’s got a good story so I’m sure she’s in.
Next in to annoy me today is a plucky girl named Sara who starts rapping. Sara is another single mom. I guess she feels she can pull off the rapping since her kid is 1/4 black. With Sara’s math, since I’m half-Chinese, that means I best be giving out fortune cookies at Halloween this year. Which also means my house will get egged because the only thing kids want at Halloween is candy, and good candy at that. Not apples, nor toothbrushes, and definitely not fortune cookies.
With her bad mall hair pulled back and mouth clamped shut, Sara is an attractive girl. Too bad she won’t stay that way.
Kendal’s turn to face the three judges and she is a very likable girl. Tall and gorgeous too. The only catch is that Kendal has a serious aversion to…semen? What the fuck Kendal? Too much protein?
Anamaria takes a bit of time off from fording the Atlantic to stop in and inform us all of her IMG modeling agency obsession. Stop flapping your gums about nonsensical, shallow fixations and get back to finding some Native Americans to torment.
Ann’s hip bones are up next and the irony is not lost on me that I indeed skipped my run this morning only to continue working on a recap of a show whose contestants include this girl with the smallest waist in the world. After having a night to sleep on it, Ann will be the recipient of P-Baby’s Chips Ahoy stockpile as it is the only way I can feel OK about watching her on my TV.
Ann is 6’2 and I don’t want to be mean but while having a nice enough face to prevent complete lack of self-esteem, Ann is not a whole lot to write home about. She also talks about eating whatever she wants but not gaining any weight. Chalk Ann up in the “Dead to me” category.
Great, those annoying sisters are back. They bounce in with an extremely rehearsed routine of Hey! Hello! Hey! Jay! J! Tyra! Hey! and it’s bullshit because it is a lot easier to face a panel when you are with your sister rather than all on your own. They think they are intimidating because they come in a pair. I think they THINK they are intimidating and are mistaking the word intimidating with the word annoying.
Jordan graces us with her presence looking edgy as can be in all black and boots. Holy shit! Jordan is an artist AND in a band. I’ll give her this. She is unique in her facial structure. Unique does not always = better.
Lexie comes in next and Lexie has already been the recipient of a bad edit with her meddling in Jordan’s business and shit-talking to the camera. She’s pretty but her horrendous personality makes her unattractive. She brings the bad childhood storyline to us as she has been on her own since 14 due to a less than stellar relationship with her mom.
Vanessa comes in and right off the bat Tyra pegs her as a pageant girl. Unbeknownst to Vanessa, she is completely fucked because Tyra does not like her some pageantry bullshit. Vanessa prattles on about the hundreds she wipes her ass with and it’s safe to say she’s dug her own grave.
Finally the parade of sluts ends and we are at our first round of cuts. The girls show up and is it so wrong that I totally want Miss J’s outfit at this outing?
The table behind the holds 32 cards, each either an invitation to a party hosted by Cynthia Rowley or an excusal from the competition. Since I watched this show ad nauseum, I’ll save you all the screaming and give you the low down. Chris, Terra, Sara, Ann, Rhianna, Jordan, Lexie, Liz, Kendal, Anamaria, Kayla, Chelsey, Jane, Esther, and Kacey amongst a few others all make the cut. Vanessa and Emily are excused along with some girls that we never met. Good riddance.
Jay congratulates the 20 finalists and introduces Cynthia Rowley who is hosting the garden party for them. I really want to know how bad Cynthia’s cocaine habit must be if she is schlopping her clothes on this show. Poor girl. She’s even wearing sunglasses to hide the disdain in her eyes.
She expresses how important categorizing, itemizing, and objectifying human beings based solely on their looks is which prompts Jay to jump in and let them know that instead of horseshoes and croquet at this garden party, the girls will now be paired off with their direct competitor and photographed to see who can own it more.
Sara and Esther are paired off first and Jay’s opinion is that Esther is struggling. Esther’s all, “Fuck you Jay, you carry these watermelons around all day every day and see how your back feels.” While this is going on, Sara uses the extra time to work on her rhymes.
Next up is the attack of the blondes with Chelsey and Santa Maria posing together. While I gave Chelsey shit early on for being a skinny bitch, I do think she is fun to look at and will do well in the competition. Meanwhile, if I have to tell Santa Maria one more time to get back to her colonizing duties, I’m going to throw a compass at her head.
Kayla and Jane are up next and Kayla’s all “Jane, get your bony jaw away from me.”
Jordan and Lexie up next and it’s…interesting. Jordan might be an alien and I’m pretty sure Lexie didn’t time her laxatives right as it appears she needs to take a dump. Jordan mimes to the camera that she was trying to be in Lexie’s face and exude a sexual vibe which Lexie wasn’t digging.
Hungry Ann and Mama Grass Rihanna are paired up and both appear to do pretty well in the shoot. Mama Grass should pass the dutchie on the left hand side and give Ann a hit. Girl could use a serious case of the munchies. Jay accuses the girls of lacking energy. Doesn’t Jay know they’ve already expended their daily caloric intake?
Those annoying sisters are back again.
They are cute enough but…
With Kacey and Kendal around looking amazing, methinks the sisters’ days are numbered. Jay is impressed by their performance and I agree that they were two of the best out of the bunch.
I guess all the pictures are done as the gang rallies once more to be chatted at by Miss J, Jay, and Cynthia. Overall it was a pretty strong group as seasons past have seemed a little bit more rough around the edges. Chris and Terra let us know that they’ve already discussed being happy for each other should one be selected over the other. We’ll see how closely they stick to the plan.
Well there hasn’t been any Tyra for awhile so it’s time for her to stick her fat head in and tell us in and yet again the cycle 15 is REALLY important and that the winner will be featured in Italian Vogue. Jesus tap-dancing Christ. At this point, I just want to randomly insert a trashy magazine every time she says Italian Vogue because it is much more likely I will read about these girls in one of those than any country’s edition of Vogue. Just because you are incapable of listening to others speak does not mean the viewing public is. We know what the motherfucking prizes are. Now cut some girls and get to the makeovers. And tell Nigel to call me.
They dissect the blondes first. I’m going to summarize the judgements because we’ve got 20 girls to get through and eliminations to be made.
Blondes: Santamaria: Good walk, fell into the background of pictures. Chelsey: Good use of body to sell the clothes. Chelsey has obviously been at the modeling stuff longer than Santamaria but hey, bet she never discovered a country.
Sexy: Esther did a good job hiding her dirtypillows in the photos. Sara is compared to Giselle to which I feel obligated to jump in. That will never, ever, ever happen. If Sara lands in a Skechers footwear ad or one of those Snuggie commercials, she should consider herself a success.
Beautiful Browns: I guess this is what we are calling the pairing of Kacey and Kendal. Kacey sans glasses is looking a little haggard in her picture.
Soul Sisters: Chris and Terra just really aren’t long for this competition as I feel like I see girls who look like this every single day. Their build and personality will carry them unless they can really bring it during the first couple photoshoot challenges. Oh wait, the judge’s opinion. Chris has the posing down while Terra is better at strutting her stuff. They want to mash the two girls into one great model which means both will lose.
Bone Structure Girls: They think Jane is beautiful. Kayla is sweet and needs polishing. Both will make the cut, I’m sure of it.
Quirky Girls: Ann has potential. Rhianna is special. Let’s get these judges a thesaurus before the next episode, please. Jay wants to nickname Rhianna “Willow” but I’ve got news for him.
Lexie at least attempted to sell the garment in her photograph while Jordan was too busy looking after the Lost Boys to pose very well. Oh well. Since it looks like the whole modeling thing is going to fall through, at least she can be happy about the fact that she’s won’t grow up as long as she resides in Neverland.
Finally, the end is nigh as the girls have now donned their Sunday best to stand before Tyra and have their name called, indicating their moving on to the top 14 of the competition.
Tyra’s looking pretty good too but she doesn’t get any credit because 1. The little black dress is a wardrobe staple for a reason and 2. I hate her.
Well, since we are going to hem and haw for the next 20 minutes about who she calls, how about I provide you their name and a reaction shot and call it even? Reality tv shows may be about filler and wasting time, but P-Baby don’t play that game. DVR, bitches.
And so we say goodbye to Jordan who sure got a lot of screen time for someone who didn’t make it. Some other girls get shown the door but I don’t know what their names are. Tyra tells the 14 girls that the competition starts now. But I thought it actually started an hour ago when the show started. What the hell have I been watching thus far? Whatever. So now we’ve got the Top 14, Gasmii.
What do you think? Who do you like to win? Hope you enjoyed my first official TV show recap and I’ll see you all next week lest you be haunted by this apparition for the next fortnight.