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Gasmii, I hope you all had a wonderful Halloween! I know I did. Not. Approximately three trick or treaters showed up at my house. Lucky for those three, I had gigantic 100 count bags of candy in anticipation of decidedly more than three needy children ringing my doorbell. Those little bastards made out like thieves. Not only that, but Mr. P-Baby and I attended a Halloween party dressed to the nine’s in the finest costumes that Walmart sells and NO ONE ELSE was dressed up. What the hell people? Apparently we live in a town where everyone is dead on the inside and doesn’t believe in costumes or stuffing their kids with peanut butter cups. Which, frankly, is no town I want to be a part of. Good thing we are moving soon!
Anyway, this week on ANTM, the girls are back at the model pad and can hardly believe that they’ve made it into the top 6. Me either. Liz talks about how when she gets nervous she laughs or jokes which really chapped the judges’ asses last week. So she’s going to turn over a new leaf and try to be very present throughout the rest of the competition, as it could change her and her daughter’s life forever. And with that, I’ll give you all two guesses as to who gets eliminated tonight. If it weren’t for you guys, I could have turned this shit off 4 minutes in and switched it to something less boring and more suspenseful, like the 700 Club or Antique Road Show. But I love my Gasmii, so I must press on.
Also, in the first five minutes, my girl Chris is totally charming me by being proud of her win the week prior. Since I’ve decided I like Chris a whole bunch, I’m sure the powers that be will be booting her fairly soon, which always happens. Chris is not high fashion looking but I definitely think she could hold down the fort in a Cover Girl campaign.
The ladies are lounging around conveniently in a group, all dressed and presentable, and Miss J pops in from around the corner. He decides since the girls live right on the beach in Venice that they should go sight seeing. I never understood why it always takes prompting from outside entities to get these uncultured idiots to go see things. Anyway, they take a lovely little Mary Poppins-esque bike ride on beach cruisers to some famous bridge in Venice. He tells them their next photo shoot is going to be on that bridge but it’s all a bunch of bullshit because these bitches are off to Venice, Italy as told to them by Newsie Tyra. For real, Esther has got to be so pissed right now.
Everyone packs and shrieks and talks about how they’ve never been anywhere and if that wasn’t annoying enough, we are treated to some terrible animation depicting their journey across the pond.
Fresh off the plane, the ladies jump onto a boat and are ferried through the streets of Venice. It seriously looks so amazing and I immediately want to drag Mr. P-Baby to the airport to hop on the next flight. I refuse to let these strumpets ruin Venice, Italy for me, so for the next few minutes, let’s mute the TV. Venice porn picture time:
If that doesn’t make you want to sit next to a fat, stinky traveler doing Sudoku wearing Crocs and drinking Ginger Ales with no ice on a 15 hour flight, I don’t know what else would.
The girls finally do something that makes sense and decide to get a snack at a cafe. They start guzzling down the wine and I totes wish I was there but with my Living Celebrities Dinner Party list instead of the model wenches. (For those curious, the list is Stanley Tucci, Howard Stern, Judy Blume, David Bowie and John Waters.) Everyone is so excited and happy, with all the girls getting along swimmingly. The day is just wonderful. And then a bird shits on Liz. Guess what we hear about for the next 34 years? It’s not like it even got on her ugly 1995 Mallrats crop top. It just got on her arm. Get a paper towel and get the fuck over it.
The next morning, the girls wake up in their awesome Italian hotel to Tyra Mail. ”Don’t be seduced by your surroundings or you might fall overboard.” Chelsey puts two and two together as she knows it’s going to be on a boat but barely gets the word gondola out of her mouth. I’m tempted to make fun of her but I’m frankly impressed she knows that a gondola is a boat and not a type of cheese or STD.
At the photoshoot location the girls meet up with Jay who introduces them to an Italian photographer named Simone Falcetta. Hmm, nice try Jay but this bald-headed turd is not doing it for me. Where’s my little cannoli Francesco Carrozzini hiding out? Sigh.
Jay tells the ladies that the concept today is going to involve a group picture emulating 18th century Venice with a male model posing as Casanova and the ladies posing as love interests vying for his attention around him. I’m super pumped because as I mentioned in the minicap, I’m obsessed with the sexing and slutting on The Tudors. Different country, different time period, but if it’s a slut in a corset, count me in. What’s funny is that non-watcher Mr. P-Baby thinks it is actually a historic show about the real Tudor monarchy. I don’t have the heart to tell him the truth 1. Because he claims it is one of the few shows I watch with depth and 2. He’s probably right that I only watch garbage, Jeopardy excluded.
During hair and makeup, the girls meet the male model playing Casanova today and he sort of looks like Maroon 5′s Adam Levine. Minus overall I’m in a band douchebagginess and Hollywood playboy germs. The models all swoon rightfully so, but then he opens his mouth and ruins it.
I’m totally digging the styling of this photoshoot but my descriptions won’t do the outfits justice. More pictures, Gasmii.
The photoshoot starts and the first group consists of Chris, Liz, and Kayla, with the ladies are getting all up in Casanova’s business. Kayla kills it even though she doesn’t like dudes and had a nervous breakdown over posing with one last episode. She also looks the most authentic in this get up but I find her fake mole kind of distracting. It’s very Robin Hood: Men In Tights for me and I keep thinking it’s going to move.
Liz won’t stop bitching about sweat rolling down her face and in her eyes, fidgeting like a five year old who’s wet his pants. She is hot and uncomfortable throughout the shoot and makes it known to everyone. It is amazing to me that someone with such a difficult background coming into this thing manages to be the whiniest, most entitled one out of the bunch. How does that happen? I know we’ve had a couple montages already this recap, but I think we are in need of a Liz Complains montage. Sound good?
Chris is having trouble figuring out what to do with her face, hands, etc. You know, what models do.
The second group is made up of Chelsey, Ann, and Jane. Chelsey looks even more like Sookie Stackhouse this episode if Sookie were to become a vampire courtesy of Vampire Bill. Once again Ann is all “I’m so awkward and distressed and shy and I don’t want to screw up but I don’t know what to do with my 8 foot limbs and freakishly small torso.” Chelsey kicks ass during the shoot but she never shuts the fuck up about how driven she and how she wants first photo so I’m starting to dislike her. She’s like the chick in high school who studies her ass off for a test, then takes it and claims she failed only to be rewarded with a B which makes her have a nervous breakdown because she wanted an A. I hated those girls.
Jane looks AWESOME. Her face is perfect for this kind of makeup and styling and I can totally see her living during this time period tarting around the streets of Venice in her corset, seducing men to help carry her bread and cheese home and then asking them in for wine by the fire.
Ann has difficulty figuring out what she wants to do, making it seem like she’s not doing well but as typical with Ann, I’m sure her picture will be “BEYOND.”
The shoot wraps due to rain but no big deal because the girls are off to Milan the next day. I’m trying to pretend I’m perfectly fine with the fact that these morons are getting carted around Italy while I sit in my freezing house in sweatpants but I’ll admit I’m jealous. But not that jealous because I, unlike Liz, know that Milan is not the same as Mulan and has nothing to do with Japan. Or China for that matter since that’s where Mulan actually takes place, despite what Liz thinks.
In Milan, the girls arrive at their new Top Model house and are less than thrilled with the accommodations. Mind you they get to stay in ITALY in this house FOR FREE but are pissed because it is on the small side. I find smaller houses quite quaint and charming, even more so when they are FREE and in ITALY.
In the bedroom, they realize that there are only three beds. Fuck. Kayla’s ass best be getting one of those beds.
Tyra’s Nose for News camel toe shows up in the house, scaring all the ladies. She explains to them the reason they are in the small digs is because it is more realistic to an actual unglamorous model apartment than the mansions of seasons past. Tyra says the first apartment she stayed in while modeling in Italy was $30 a night with a bathroom down the hall. The bathroom was shared by everyone. Dear Tyra, that’s called a brothel.
Tyra tells the girls that the next day they are going to the Missoni fashion house. They are all excited about this bit of news and I’m excited for them because their asses are lucky enough to be on a cycle where legitimate designers and photographers are participating. Cycle 16 chicks are going to be totally bummed when ANTM returns to its roots of jumpsuits and reality whore judges.
The next day, the models arrive at Missoni and it is neat to see where such a prominent fashion house creates their fabrics and ideas. Miss J greets them and introduces them to a lovely woman named Angela Missoni. She’s really pretty in a middle-aged hot mom way and seems way too nice to be the possessor of a last name that makes people jump.
Angela wants the girls to try on some winter collection clothing and walk for her. The girls get all sweatered up in fabulous knits but as we learned at the photoshoot, it’s like 500 degrees outside so all the ladies are sweating like pigs. I sort of feel bad for them but this is a once in a lifetime thing so I feel like they could probably deal with being in a sweater dress for like 20 minutes. Also, it needs to be said that Ann looks absolutely ridiculous in her poncho thing. I know Missoni is expensive and wonderful and blah, blah but they have essentially designed an extremely overpriced Snuggie.
After everyone is dressed, Miss J brings out the brand ambassador and accessory designer for Missoni, Margherita Missoni. Guys, Margherita is one of those people who is naturally gorgeous and talented and I want to hate her but she is definitely working her Italian charm even on my ice cold heart. Plus, her name makes me want to get my tequila on in the worst way. And a tequila’d P-Baby = a Karaokeing to Styx P-Baby. It’s refreshing to see a beautiful young lady who doesn’t look pinched, pulled, and processed within an inch of her life. Anyway, she tells the girls that they look great in the dresses and that she’ll see them wearing the Missoni clothing again since she’ll be judging at the panel that evening. I didn’t understand a lick of what she said first time around so as I do at my real life job, I just nod my head and smile because she’s so pretty.
The whole walking thing is kind of lame because it’s not really a challenge where anyone is going to win and it only last like 30 seconds. It seemed to be more of a filler to show off Missoni agreeing to be on the show than anything else. So we’ll just go on to judging.
Judge’s Panel tonight has a very Welcome to Hell feel to it as it is drowning in red and scorching temperatures. Tyra looks like The Princess of Darkness herself in a strapless(!) black dress. No one shoulder concoction tonight?
Everyone marches in in their Missoni stuff but they all look miserable due to the heat. Now by this point, Tyra and friends are infamous for demeaning and torturing their models every cycle but was it absolutely necessary to dress these already calorie deficient ladies in knitwear for panel? Surely Missoni has some fabulous frocks that don’t require being covered head to toe in yarn. Also, why is no one drinking water? Water doesn’t even have calories. Anyway, Ann, Chelsey and Jane’s picture turned out great.
Nigel gushes over Chelsey’s photo, saying it’s the best she’s ever looked.
Ann looks OK but all the judges swoon over her once again. They say her non confidence looks like confidence and that she looks like an incandescent aristocrat. It all sounds like utter nonsense, so here is her picture.
Someone behind the scenes gets a high five from me for covering this:
The judges split on Jane with Nigel and Margherita thinking she looks like a big fat ho and Tyra and Andre loving it. I don’t believe Nigel thinking Jane looks skanky. You know that perv has got this shot hanging in his office, right next to one of Esther’s jugs. I’m in agreement with Andre and The Banks on this one. Never thought that would happen.
All the girls are about to pass out so Banks makes every sit down. Way to make your underfed, malnourished, dehydrated chippies stand around in sweaters in a sauna. Are you actively trying to kill one of them?
Heatstroke drama aside, the next group shot is up.
Nigel thinks Chris looks amazing. Is he for real right now? He doesn’t like Jane’s picture but Chris who looks like she’s about to get eaten by a Venice river shark looks amazing?
No surprise here. They all love Kayla’s shot. Boring. I’m just waiting for the episode where on top of her sexual abuse, destitute childhood, and being gay, Kayla’s going to drop the bombshell that she’s got two months to live.
You want to know who looks like a ho in her picture? Liz. She also looks like a urine stream should be shooting out between her legs, like she’s marking Casanova dude with her scent so the other ladies will lay off his dong.
After deliberation, Kayla gets best photo, pushing Chelsey closer and closer to nervous breakdown territory. Since the editing monkeys behind the scenes think we are all idiots and give away the ousted model five minutes into the show, predictably Liz ends up getting the boot after deliberation. Chris was in the bottom 2 with her so unless she kicks serious ass next week, she’s probably the next one gone. That’s it for this week, Gasmii. Come back next week to see Nigel get super pissed when Jane refuses to put out has a model meltdown.