Hey everyone, ApplePie here, subbing for P-Baby with the recap of everyone’s second favorite show about models! Remember that one called “Living Dolls” with Leah Remini about a modeling agency? It was a spinoff of “Who’s The Boss?” Anyone?
Now you know why I became a Scientologist. Halle should have done the same.
Last time, on ANTM, TWO models were kicked off – Bianca and Kayla – and The Banks thought her ass looked good in those pants at panel.
The girls come home and Lisa proudly reviews her winning photo. Is this chick for real? I mean seriously, is she really a chick? She looks like a baby drag queen. Then Allison reads off cue cards as she tells her roommate, Never Nude, how wonderful NN is. Allison needs to go back to the dark cave and find Gollum, her dad (whoops, I’ll regret this dad reference later in the recap). Seriously, these girls are models? Maybe they’re hand models. I haven’t watched the show since Season Cycle 1, but I think the quality of the talent pool has degenerated. Angelea seems like she’ll be a lot of fun, though.
After a Tyramail with Madison, a drunk Asian two-year-old who has obviously stumbled in to the Jersey Shore confessional,
Snooki’s Love Child w/Jon Gosselin
the All Stars figure out the next challenge must be music-related. On cue, in sashays Jay Manuel, whose stylist convinced Jay that dirty dishwater is the new black in hair color. (Give it up, Jay. Like “fierce”, this color is nevah going to catch on).
But it sets off my dark eyebrows AND hides my receding side hairline!
Jay tells the girls they need to go viral, like fish-face Madison did, and writing a song and creating a music video is the way to do that. Everyone seems really excited about it, but throwing up in fear seems to be a more realistic reaction (Don’t these girls throw up a lot? Their bodies look like post-zombie-buffet victims). Angelea kindly shares with us the definition of an All-Star, who “has to be peelin’ to mass crowds”. Thanks, Urban Dictionary!
Paging Professor Henry Higgins!
Jay tells the ladies that they’ve already laid down the tracks, the girls just need to come up with lyrics. Cake! Allison, who is really confused about heroin chic and needs to get off my effin’ TV, is freaking out. We watch Lisa’s Adam’s apple move and she tells us how thrilled she is to be sharing her music. Jay tells the ASses that the prize for the best song is a visit from a loved one. Never Nude, who is remarkably pretty (she’s from Season 1, of course. I told you it all went downhill after that!), wants to see her husband because she hasn’t seen him in a month ….. talk to all the military families going through year-long deployments, and you know what they’ll say, NN? They’ll tell you to eat a sandwich! After they punch you in the face.
The music executive/lyrics mentor, Tom Pulce, skulks through the house like a peeping tom, offering advice and licking his chops
Just on the prowl for my next ex-wife.
while all the girls show their incredible penmanship and songwriting skills. Sorry, we are not impressed, Alexandria … and maybe you should consider bangs. Five head is sooooooooo last season.
I guess we know where she stores all the music inside her.
Allison is going through withdrawal and decides to write about her deceased father, which is a cop-out in my opinion. Side note: Her dad knows how to rock a trucker hat and a ‘stache.
So Lisa wins, and they all go to the studio, where they find out the Tyrallenge is to add a “Pot Ledom” hook to each song. Angelea picks up right away that Pot Ledom is Top Model backwards and gets an impressed kudos from Tom (me too, who knew LeaLea was good at word puzzles?). Except “Ledom Pot” is actually “Top Model” backwards, people, but why split hairs when we are viewing such exceptional programming?
Agent my call to need I.
Some lowlights from the studio recordings: ummmm, all of them. Laura sang horribly, but I still liked her singing voice better than her speaking one. Allison (“Harvard” is her last name, perfect) thinks Owl City is the epitome of music, and Lisa’s “rap” sucks. I was surprised with Alexandria for two reasons: 1) She DOES have bangs, thank goodness! 2) I liked her song best! But then … she started talking about how she’ll soon be just as awesome at singing as she is at modeling and I wanted to stab her in the eye with a rusty hypodermic.
After my ears have stopped bleeding, I get to see Adam, Lisa’s fiancé, who has arrived for the “loved one visit”. Poor, poor guy.
Do I get my SAG card for this?
Video shoot! This should be fun … with “The Game” as video director, what could go wrong?
Oh, how the mighty have fallen. This is not “How We Do” it.
As you can imagine, things do not go well. Dominique looks like Beyoncé but trips over the camera track multiple times, Alexandria turns into a vampire zombie,
and then this happens:
Since these songs and videos can’t possibly get any worse, let’s try anyway and add a video posse with Tyra and Keenan Cahill, “internet sensation” of whom I have never heard. These two back-up buffoons can’t help Laura’s inane boudoir session, Shannon’s just-stop-singing-and-smile attempt at country, or Angelea’s fight with a freight elevator door. It doesn’t help that they’re all being attacked by the lighting death star while filming:
Maybe a burn victim will improve these videos?
Game gives Allison some confidence before her shoot, sharing the story of how his grandmother died when he was young to let her know he can empathize. He is (at least edited to be) impressed with her shots, as he was with Shannon’s. I’m starting to think Game just has a thing for blondes. Because, Game, this is not impressive:
PANEL TIME! YAY! Now we have to see this:
André Leon Tally as Al Jolson in Show Boat
so that we get to see the “music” videos. And they are a treat. Even better are the Tyra/Keenan cameos at the chorus in each video, which have no relationship whatever to any of the video themes. I’m starting to feel like this:
The judges make various “meh” comments, until we get to Lisa’s video. Side note: the bottoms of Laura’s feet are dirty, which skeeves me out since we have to see them so much in her video. Anywho, André loved Lisa’s video because it reminded him of Missy Elliott. Exsqueeze me? Was it the stick straight blonde hair, the shitty-ass rhymes, or these glasses
that reminded you of Missy Elliott, André? Game says he wishes he had Lisa’s song on his iPod. I think I just threw up a little in my mouth (as Game must have when he said that with a straight face). They seemed to like Allison’s video, too, but maybe she just hypnotized them:
Look into my eyes and come “Underwater” with me.
Deliberation. After Game’s love affair with Allison’s picture, we are left wondering if Lisa will really take this home. And the winner is: Allison!! Really, you want to encourage this perpetual middle schooler to continue on the same path?
I wonder if Game got the origami note I left in his desk.
Lisa and her fierce dress take the “runner up” position in stride:
This is how a big girl dresses, Allison.
Shannon, Dominique, Laura are also safe. We’re down to Angelea, who’s in the bottom two for the third time, and Alexandria, whose video could kill the entire genre. Angelea gets to stay only because Alexandria’s robotic dancing suckage totally eclipsed all of Angelea’s poor performances taken together. That’s saying a lot.
Humility has finally knocked on Alexandria’s door. Does her head look smaller?
Thanks for reading! P-Baby will be back next week!