America’s Next Top Model Recap

Recaps

By ApplePie | Friday, November 4, 2011 | 12:01 am | 22 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , ,
Posted in: America's Next Top Model, Featured, Recaps

Hey everyone, ApplePie here, subbing for P-Baby with the recap of everyone’s second favorite show about models!  Remember that one called “Living Dolls” with Leah Remini about a modeling agency?  It was a spinoff of “Who’s The Boss?” Anyone?

reminiNow you know why I became a Scientologist.  Halle should have done the same.

Last time, on ANTM, TWO models were kicked off – Bianca and Kayla – and The Banks thought her ass looked good in those pants at panel.

The girls come home and Lisa proudly reviews her winning photo.  Is this chick for real?  I mean seriously, is she really a chick?  She looks like a baby drag queen.  Then Allison reads off cue cards as she tells her roommate, Never Nude, how wonderful NN is.  Allison needs to go back to the dark cave and find Gollum, her dad (whoops, I’ll regret this dad reference later in the recap).  Seriously, these girls are models?  Maybe they’re hand models.  I haven’t watched the show since Season Cycle 1, but I think the quality of the talent pool has degenerated.  Angelea seems like she’ll be a lot of fun, though.

After a Tyramail with Madison, a drunk Asian two-year-old who has obviously stumbled in to the Jersey Shore confessional,

fishfaceSnooki’s Love Child w/Jon Gosselin

the All Stars figure out the next challenge must be music-related.  On cue, in sashays Jay Manuel, whose stylist convinced Jay that dirty dishwater is the new black in hair color.  (Give it up, Jay.  Like “fierce”, this color is nevah going to catch on).

JayhairBut it sets off my dark eyebrows AND hides my receding side hairline!

Jay tells the girls they need to go viral, like fish-face Madison did, and writing a song and creating a music video is the way to do that.  Everyone seems really excited about it, but throwing up in fear seems to be a more realistic reaction (Don’t these girls throw up a lot?  Their bodies look like post-zombie-buffet victims).  Angelea kindly shares with us the definition of an All-Star, who “has to be peelin’ to mass crowds”.  Thanks, Urban Dictionary!

hhPaging Professor Henry Higgins!

Jay tells the ladies that they’ve already laid down the tracks, the girls just need to come up with lyrics.  Cake!  Allison, who is really confused about heroin chic and needs to get off my effin’ TV, is freaking out.  We watch Lisa’s Adam’s apple move and she tells us how thrilled she is to be sharing her music.  Jay tells the ASses that the prize for the best song is a visit from a loved one.  Never Nude, who is remarkably pretty (she’s from Season 1, of course.  I told you it all went downhill after that!), wants to see her husband because she hasn’t seen him in a month ….. talk to all the military families going through year-long deployments, and you know what they’ll say, NN?  They’ll tell you to eat a sandwich!  After they punch you in the face.

The music executive/lyrics mentor, Tom Pulce, skulks through the house like a peeping tom, offering advice and licking his chops

tompolceJust on the prowl for my next ex-wife.

while all the girls show their incredible penmanship and songwriting skills.  Sorry, we are not impressed, Alexandria … and maybe you should consider bangs.  Five head is sooooooooo last season.

AlexandriaHeadI guess we know where she stores all the music inside her.

Allison is going through withdrawal and decides to write about her deceased father, which is a cop-out in my opinion.  Side note:  Her dad knows how to rock a trucker hat and a ‘stache.

So Lisa wins, and they all go to the studio, where they find out the Tyrallenge is to add a “Pot Ledom” hook to each song.  Angelea picks up right away that Pot Ledom is Top Model backwards and gets an impressed kudos from Tom (me too, who knew LeaLea was good at word puzzles?).  Except “Ledom Pot” is actually “Top Model” backwards, people, but why split hairs when we are viewing such exceptional programming?

AngelaYodaAgent my call to need I.

Some lowlights from the studio recordings:   ummmm, all of them.  Laura sang horribly, but I still liked her singing voice better than her speaking one.  Allison (“Harvard” is her last name, perfect) thinks Owl City is the epitome of music, and Lisa’s “rap” sucks.  I was surprised with Alexandria for two reasons:  1) She DOES have bangs, thank goodness! 2)  I liked her song best!  But then … she started talking about how she’ll soon be just as awesome at singing as she is at modeling and I wanted to stab her in the eye with a rusty hypodermic.

After my ears have stopped bleeding, I get to see Adam, Lisa’s fiancé, who has arrived for the “loved one visit”.  Poor, poor guy.

AdamSAGDo I get my SAG card for this?

Video shoot!  This should be fun … with “The Game” as video director, what could go wrong?

gameOh, how the mighty have fallen.  This is not “How We Do” it.

As you can imagine, things do not go well.  Dominique looks like Beyoncé but trips over the camera track multiple times, Alexandria turns into a vampire zombie,

AlexandriaZombie

and then this happens:

thishappens

and this:

andthis

Since these songs and videos can’t possibly get any worse, let’s try anyway and add a video posse with Tyra and Keenan Cahill, “internet sensation” of whom I have never heard.  These two back-up buffoons can’t help Laura’s inane boudoir session, Shannon’s just-stop-singing-and-smile attempt at country, or Angelea’s fight with a freight elevator door.  It doesn’t help that they’re all being attacked by the lighting death star while filming:

lighting death starMaybe a burn victim will improve these videos?

Game gives Allison some confidence before her shoot, sharing the story of how his grandmother died when he was young to let her know he can empathize.  He is (at least edited to be) impressed with her shots, as he was with Shannon’s.  I’m starting to think Game just has a thing for blondes.  Because, Game, this is not impressive:

allisonvideo

PANEL TIME!  YAY!  Now we have to see this:

andreAndré Leon Tally as Al Jolson in Show Boat

so that we get to see the “music” videos.  And they are a treat.  Even better are the Tyra/Keenan cameos at the chorus in each video, which have no relationship whatever to any of the video themes.  I’m starting to feel like this:

CWO

The judges make various “meh” comments, until we get to Lisa’s video.  Side note:  the bottoms of Laura’s feet are dirty, which skeeves me out since we have to see them so much in her video.  Anywho, André loved Lisa’s video because it reminded him of Missy Elliott.  Exsqueeze me?  Was it the stick straight blonde hair, the shitty-ass rhymes, or these glasses

gunglasses

that reminded you of Missy Elliott, André?  Game says he wishes he had Lisa’s song on his iPod.  I think I just threw up a little in my mouth (as Game must have when he said that with a straight face).  They seemed to like Allison’s video, too, but maybe she just hypnotized them:

allisoneyesLook into my eyes and come “Underwater” with me.

Deliberation.  After Game’s love affair with Allison’s picture, we are left wondering if Lisa will really take this home.  And the winner is:  Allison!!  Really, you want to encourage this perpetual middle schooler to continue on the same path?

littlegirlI wonder if Game got the origami note I left in his desk.

Lisa and her fierce dress take the “runner up” position in stride:

biggirldressThis is how a big girl dresses, Allison.

Shannon, Dominique, Laura are also safe.  We’re down to Angelea, who’s in the bottom two for the third time, and Alexandria, whose video could kill the entire genre.  Angelea gets to stay only because Alexandria’s robotic dancing suckage totally eclipsed all of Angelea’s poor performances taken together.  That’s saying a lot.

alexandrialossHumility has finally knocked on Alexandria’s door.  Does her head look smaller?

Thanks for reading!  P-Baby will be back next week!

About

 

Happy to be here!!!

22 Comments

  1. 1
    MsMmm
    Posted November 4, 2011 at 7:55 am

    “Snooki’s Love Child w/Jon Gosselin” LOVE! Funny, cause it’s true, back to reading…

  2. 2
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted November 4, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    I quite liked this episode, almost as much as the Michael Jackson one a few weeks back. I enjoyed Alison (and am on record as thinking she should’ve won Cycle 12, Teyona who?), so to see her be insecure again reminded me of her original cycle. While none of these videos will ever go viral, it was weird to see the girls be tranformed into artists we’ve seen before.

    I thought Game’s street cred was gone when he called into TMZ, but it’s truly flushed down the toilet after this and his masturbatory and creepy weirdness of trying to keep Alison’s picture.

    Bring on the Grecian episodes and the reemergence of Never Nude’s cycle-long storyline!
    Lisa was cute with her husband, and Angelea has such a strong personality which is more suited to Tyler Perry movies than modeling, but I will go on record as saying that DOMINIQUE is the girl who I think will win this season.

  3. 3
    Joy_Subtraction
    Posted November 4, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    God bless you for recapping this show. I’ve had to stop watching, because Tyra somehow manages to get more annoying and self-congratulatory every season and I’ve hit my fill. Reading this recap lets me know that I have made the right decision to stop watching. You deserve a medal.

  4. 4
    Thatswhatshesaid
    Posted November 4, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    @Derek: I am also officially on record as saying Dominique will take it. She’s the dark horse nobody is expecting.
    @ApplePie: Any relation to VirginiaApple? I kid! I kid! I also noticed Laura’s dirty feet! Embarrassing!!! Thanks for filling in!! I LOL’d at the screen grab on page 2 of you watching the videos!! Ha! I was like “Really?! We have to watch them all?!” snnzzzzx.

    Did Allison’s father drown? I was wondering what the Underwater meant. I must say her “pot ledom” refrain was quite catchy & it’s been in my head all day. I didn’t hate the song. When she sang “1,2,3,4″, I couldn’t help but think of Gia’s “First you were 1, then you were 2, etc” lyrics. I guess Allison’s song writing is right up there with a 9 yr old. :) But seriously, although I could have done without the crazy Halloween scary video, her song was quite memorable.

  5. 5
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted November 4, 2011 at 4:18 pm

    First of all, these videos were ratchet as hell.
    Secondly, I generally like Tyra but she was so annoying in this episode. Why did she feel the need to insert herself in everyone’s video uninvited? And then at panel, she kept on unnecessarily singing. We know that you wanted to be a singer too (anyone remember her song? AHAHAHA) but it’s not going to happen. Move on, girl.

    Game’s instant obsession with Allison was weird as fuck, but I did like her song and video best. It had a nice little…Florence + The Machine-Regina Spektor-Imogen Heap thing going. And hers and Dominique’s video were the only ones that didn’t make me look away in embarrassment. I’m seriously pulling for an Allison win…if she doesn’t win AGAIN, I’m going to be so angry.

    Dominique is without question the prettiest girl in the house, which is remarkable, given the fact that she looked like a tranny soccer mom during her cycle, but I just don’t think she’ll win.

    And glory hallelujah to Alexandra’s elimination. I am so HAPPY to not have to deal with her giant forehead, pinched up mouth, and overall just annoying personality anymoah. ^_^

  6. 6
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted November 4, 2011 at 4:50 pm

    @Chaosbutterfly, best porn title ever: “Tranny Soccer Moms!”

  7. 7
    hutchlover
    Posted November 4, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    How TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE for Tyra to stick her fat ass & that creepy, gross kid, into Allison’s video tribute song about her dad.

    I’m guessing “Underwater” stands for how you sometimes feel like you’re drowning, when a loved one passes away.

    I don’t understand ApplePie’s snark against Allison, because of all of them left, she (& Lisa & Shannon, if they weren’t so old) are actual models. The camera loves them, and they really don’t have to do anything.

  8. 8
    Thatswhatshesaid
    Posted November 4, 2011 at 5:06 pm

    LOL Chaosbutterfly!!!
    I didn’t get Game’s obsession with Allison, but calling a girl “weird” isn’t going to get you where you’re trying to go. Especially saying it REPEATEDLY, on national television. But who knows? Maybe she’d be into that.

    I didn’t think it was necessary for Tyra to be in every single video either with that weird kid. Seriously, were those 2 kids REALLY Internet sensations?! She should have gotten Sophia to upstage them all by singing Super Bass by Niki Minaj. THAT kid I’ve heard of.

    I think Tyra inserted herself into the videos to claim royalties if any of those songs DID go viral. I also think Lisa was robbed for best video. As crazy as she is, hers was the best. But Game was drunk on Allison’s Honey Blood perfume & weirdness so she won.

  9. 9
    Jo
    Posted November 4, 2011 at 5:21 pm

    I miss P-Baby! Snarking on Alison wasn’t great either! A humdrum recap.

  10. 10
    Tadow
    Posted November 4, 2011 at 5:51 pm

    Thank you Applepie for stepping up in P-baby’s place. I’ve always been a Allison fan, and loved that Game had a crush on her. So glad Alexandria is gone. Looking forward to go-sees!!

  11. 11
    ApplePie
    Posted November 5, 2011 at 1:49 am

    Wow! @TWSS, I guess my screen name isn’t very original, but I do love me some apple pie (warm,a la mode, of course). And perhaps I’ll have to change it anyway since no one appreciated my “Allison snark” and may stand outside my bedroom playing Underwater on their boomboxes. Maybe it’s ’cause I haven’t seen all the eps, just read the recaps, but I think the girl is incredibly unattractive and her hair/makeup/personality all scream little girl playing adult. Jo, sorry you don’t appreciate all my hard work … luckily for you, I’m just subbing!

  12. 12
    Thatswhatshesaid
    Posted November 5, 2011 at 5:07 am

    @ApplePie: Haha! Much love! I thought your recap was great! I don’t get the Allison love either. I don’t dislike her, but I’m clearly missing what others see. She’s not a standout to me. Even on her first cycle I felt they brought her on only because she’s weird looking. Then they let her do the same pose over & over (bunnyface) & praised her for it where anyone else would have gotten blasted for it. She seems to have put that Lost Little Girl act into overdrive for this season. I don’t understand why she & the others (but mainly her) aren’t being called out for their atrocious attire. Remember when Tyra was all about the jeans, t-shirt and slicked back hair? Allison is completely covered up. She would have been reprimanded on earlier cycles.

    Just my opinion Allison lovers. Not trying to start a war.

  13. 13
    Thatswhatshesaid
    Posted November 5, 2011 at 5:09 am

    Clarification: Attrocious attire AT PANEL.

  14. 14
    JudgyWudgy
    Posted November 5, 2011 at 6:52 am

    I used to adore ANTM in college but haven’t watched in awhile, so is this like an all-star (in the loosest sense of the word) season? I feel like these people are from seasons past that I HAVE seen.

    Also, Keenan Cahill makes stupid, annoying videos where he lip-syncs to songs with weird faces (I don’t mean his already weird face, I mean he MAKES weird faces), and doesn’t even lip-sync that well. I don’t find them remotely funny, cute or charming and I’m all about the internet celeb – Jenna Marbles anyone?

  15. 15
    alide m lowery
    Posted November 5, 2011 at 8:32 am

    I THINK YOU ALL SHOULD START PUTTING MY PICTURES OUT THERE SHOW WHO DADDY CEO IS SPANKC NWA CREWSTER I SEND THE BEST BABIES TO MAKE PAPER FOR US LADYJ AND LADYT MY PICTURES NON FACE BOOK SPANKCNWACREWSTER

  16. 16
    hutchlover
    Posted November 5, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    I just found out that Allison’s father & mother were BOTH models. So her talent comes naturally. ApplePie, you need to go and look at her pictures. Yes, she uses those eyes of hers alot, but why not? Tyra used her booty, Heidi used her boobs, Betty Grable used her legs. There’s nothing wrong with resting on a specific body part as a model, in fact you SHOULD. Esp with ones as unique as Allison’s eyes.

  17. 17
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted November 5, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    But they did get on Allison for her facial expressions during her season. At first, they were all about the wide-eyed kewpie doll look, but then they got over it and told her that she had to start doing different things with her face And she absolutely took that into consideration. In the shoot with Ciara, the Carmen Miranda shoot, the bird shoot, and the Brazilian bikini shoot, her faces were different. With her eyes being that big, there is a limit to how much she can do, but she does do different expressions with them.

    As far as her putting her woman-child persona into overdrive this season, that’s what all the girls are doing, because that’s what this season is about. That’s how you’ll win. It’s not about being taken seriously in the fashion world (which is probably why Tyra also doesn’t care about their panel clothes), it’s about developing a brand and famewhoring.
    Laura is really playing up her southern girl thing, Lisa is playing up her party girl thing, and Shannon is playing up her pure thing.
    So Allison has to play up the weird woman-child thing if she’s going to win. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. ^_~

    And I agree totally @hutchlover. So many successful models have a signature feature, and there’s nothing wrong with capitalizing on that.

  18. 18
    Mila
    Posted November 5, 2011 at 3:01 pm

    Allison is doing it right. It’s about being recognizable, she even has her own internet meme since before her first cycle:
    http://www.lurkmore.com/wiki/Creepy-chan – Who else from the “girls” can say that from herself?

  19. 19
    jahna
    Posted November 5, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    The Allison video on Youtube has got 159,000 plays so far. Is that considered viral? I actually liked it.

  20. 20
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted November 5, 2011 at 7:31 pm

    @ApplePie, my favorite show about Models was called “Models, Inc,” which aired on Fox for a season or two in the mid-90′s (following either Melrose Place or BH 90210, I can’t remember). I will never forget that there was an actress named Cassidy Rae, who was gorgeous in that corn-fed kind of way, and she gave the most wooden deliveries of any lines her character had to speak. It was definite trash TV and I kind of miss 90′s Fox with their nighttime soaps, instead of all the singing competitions, baseball, half-assed sitcoms, and long-passed expired animation.

  21. 21
    ApplePie
    Posted November 6, 2011 at 1:37 am

    @DH, Word! I was in college in the mid ’90′s, which is probably why I have trouble relating to Allison. I miss all those nighttime FOX soaps, too, and the pizza, cigarettes, and STD pamphlets that went with ‘em. Sigh … thanks for the ref to Models, Inc. I couldn’t remember it for the life of me.

  22. 22
    (J)ustPeachy
    Posted November 8, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    DON’T CLICK THE LINK IN COMMENT NUMBER 18!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Really Mila? Going to give us all viruses because we like Allison?????

    So glad Alexandria finally went home. Thanks for subbing ApplePie!

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *

*
*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Human Verification: In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.