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Let me start this week off by saying a huge thank you to all Veterans, past, present and future. Your duty to this country is much appreciated and we would not and could not be the country we are without you. It’s easy to take for granted all the service members this nation and other nations have due to the length of the conflicts we are in. Thank a Veteran not just on Veterans day but whenever you can. And to the Veterans, please stay strong, proud, and come back home quickly and safely.
This week, we are down to the final five. These lucky ladies each have a 20% shot at actually winning this thing. They are still hanging out in Milan and my girl Chris is first up with her talking head letting us know that due to her placing in the bottom two the week prior, this week she has to be stunning and amazing. Damn it, Chris. Have you never seen this show? You can’t talk about trying to make yourself awesome. The Banks can smell ambition like bees smell fear. Girlfriend is a goner.
OMFG, TYRA MAIL! ”Prepare to fare una buona impressione. Love, Tyra.” Against all odds, the girls are able to decipher the meaning of this Vulcan language and figure out that Go Sees will be occurring the next day. I FUCKING LOVE the Go Sees episode of this godforsaken show. They always get lost and the real fashion insiders, not the talk show host/Vogue Snuggie guy/”Noted fashion photographer”, actually give good, honest feedback without hamming up to the camera. It’s refreshing and honestly the type of feedback these stick figures need since once this show ends, The Banks is gonna drop them like a hot potato. Unless they smother themselves in sour cream and butter, then The Banks will lick them clean.
The following day, Tyra takes some time out from her paper route to go over how to put together a decent portfolio for a Go See. This little impromptu scrapbooking session is going down at the IMG Milan headquarters. I bet she can scrapbook the shit out of some pictures. Her private album probably looks a little like this:
For the second week in a row, The Banks actually makes sense and sounds like she’s giving the models some decent advice about the portfolios. In typical Tyra style, she makes it into a soliloquy about her own past experiences with her modeling portfolio and has once again reverted back to The Banks of yesternuts.
After the portfolio nonsense ends, Tyra introduces the models to the IMG Milan directors, named Giovanni Di Corrinto and Andrea Cairo. They talk in heavily accented English and the behind the scenes producer dudes do me a solid and totally subtitle the guy even though he is speaking English. Thanks, producer dudes. Because I never would have figured out what the hell his Italian ass was saying otherwise. Margherita Missoni already proved I clearly have no ear for accents.
The girls are charged with getting to four go sees. 1. A photographer 2. Another photographer 3. A casting director and 4. Motherfucking Versace. Dude, The Banks is hard core kicking ass with the big industry names this season. Newsie caps off, my lady.
Below is the Go See map, Versace excluded. The reasons for including the map are two fold. 1. So you can see where all the models are going 2. So you can see that the destinations are relatively close together and also appear to be located off major roads.
The girls are given the addresses to each location and are told that they can go by bus, subway, and on foot to get to each place in the allotted 4 hour chunk of time. They are told to come back to IMG no later than 6:30 PM or else they will be disqualified. Hahaha. I laugh at the ANTM producers’ gross underestimation of how dumb these chickadees really are. Good thing this isn’t The Amazing Race. No way on this earth are they going to be able to find four different locations, even if they had 24 hours to complete the task rather than 4 hours.
Right out of the chute, Chris and Jane decide to pair up and take off down the road, heading to Versace first. Kayla and Chelsey decide to pair up as well, and become total Mean Girls, blatantly ignoring Ann trailing behind them. Now, I’m all about some reality TV competition but it seems awfully Jessica Wakefieldish to pair off and leave String Bean Ann, who clearly is on the verge of a nervous breakdown and already suffers from anxiety when placed in any sort of social setting, to fend for herself. I guess with Liz gone, someone’s gotta be handed the bitch torch and doth, thy name is Chelsey.
In breaking news, Milan is still ferrying repressed slaves from the grips of the evil Austrian empire to…France?
After quizzing a waiter for directions, Jane and Chris make it to Versace for their first go see. Chris sits down with him first and asks a couple questions of Angelo Azzena, the guy looking over her portfolio. He doesn’t offer much feedback regarding her pictures and starts going through Jane’s book next. Chelsey, Kayla, and Ann are still walking around like the idiots that they are instead of, oh I don’t know, consulting a freaking cab driver that drives around the city all goddamn day. Christ. Even if he doesn’t know the exact location, chances are homeslice is going to be able to get them to the right street or intersection. Just a thought.
Back at Versace, Chris and Jane have changed into some Versace frocks and are doing their runway walk for the fashion director. He likes Jane but thinks the walk needs work. He’s definitely not feeling Chris though, saying that she looks like a model from the 80′s. Ooooh, Italian burn.
Meanwhile, the Tweedle Dee, Tweedle Duh and Ann are sitting, waiting for their turn. Since they just walked around unnecessarily for forty minutes, they start trying to put their melting faces back together while waiting. I have to ask. Ann, is that seriously how you want your hair to look for a Versace Go See? For the love of all that is good in this world, get this girl a freaking comb.
Chelsey’s turn to walk and she starts bitching about how the fashion guy didn’t let on as to whether or not her thought she was special. Is she for real? Imagine the mind fuck the guy who took her virginity must have gone through with this broad. Anyway, Chels. It’s because you are not special and your skin makes you like like you are a 23 going on 65. Verdict on Kayla is that she’s got a great face for editorial but not for a show.
And with that, Chelsey peaces out of Versace and sets off on her own because bitch doesn’t have time to be waiting for anyone else. Jane and Chris locate a map and even with this amazing discovery, they decide to just go back to IMG so they aren’t late. Yes, that’s right. They went to 1 Go See. Out of four. ONE OUT OF FOUR. I can’t even get started on how much of a land navigating fail that is. Also, somewhere along this epic journey, Chris busts her foot. Don’t care. Lets just end all of our misery here.
Back at Versace, Ann is making a big splash and despite her absolutely terrible walk, we find out that he would book her for print and shows. He thinks she has the perfect body too, which is slightly disturbing albeit truthful about high fashion I guess.
Chelsey heads down into the subway and after getting blown off by countless locals, she finds the cutest, English speaking young lady to help her navigate to the next spot. I want to be BFF with the girl that helped her because her glasses are adorable and she was really sweet. Also, I want to steal her purse.
This whole Go See thing is getting repetitive and tired so here’s what you really need to know.
1. Ann is lost.
2. Kayls is lost.
3. Chelsey makes it to a second Go See at Global Casting. The guy likes her look and shape. She makes it back on time, after hitting 2 out of 4 locations.
Kayla and Ann both eventually manage to crawl their way back to IMG but are obviously way past the 6:30 pm timeline, making only Chris, Jane, and Chelsey eligible to win the challenge. Hmmm. Wonder who’s taking this one? The idiots that went to one Go See and got described as having a walk that needs improvement and a model from the 80s or the girl that made it to two out of four, managing to book 1.
As her prize, Chelsey gets a black Versace coat which seems kind of a lackluster prize for winning the Go See challenge. Didn’t old prizes used to include actual photo spreads in magazines once in awhile or modeling for advertisements, etc? Granted the magazine was probably Seventeen or In Touch Weekly but a magazine is a magazine, right? Kayla points out that the coat looks expensive and is definitely not a knock off. Thank you, Kayla. I’m sure Versace would send a knock off coat as a prize. Is there something in the Milan water supply actively turning these girls into pigeons?
Tyra Mail again. ”Soon I’m going to make you look marblelous. Love, Tyra.” Once again, the girls figure out the meaning behind the Tyra Mail. How is it that they can decipher their daily activities from cryptic, ill-written, pun filled messages but they can’t figure out how to read a fucking map?
The next day the girls arrive at this huge chateau located on Lake Como and George Clooney pops out to show the girls around, dropping the bombshell that he’ll be posing alongside the girls as the male model. HA! Yeah right. Actually, they find Nigel and Jay at the home where Nigel fills them in that they’ll be posing as statues in the garden that have come to life with a male model sculptor by their side. Oh yeah, Nigel’s pervy ass is going to be the photographer today too.
The girls are off to hair and makeup and start the transformation into marble statues. The makeup dude is creeping me out a bit and is vaguely reminiscent of the Six Flags Old Tap Dancing Man’s younger, more flamboyant, Italian brother.
Jane is up first and doesn’t seem like she is doing terribly but keeps getting talked to over and over and over again by Jay and Nigel to the point where she finally breaks down. I don’t know why they were jumping up Jane’s asshole so much because she really seemed like she was doing fine and it all seems like a ploy to make her cry to me.
Chelsey is up after Jane and Chelsey is working on my very last fucking nerve because she thinks she deserves to be there more than anyone else and wants to win more than anyone else there. Like, what is she honestly forming these egregious opinions around? Aside from Chris who does seem a bit “along for the ride” Kayla, Jane, and Ann have all expressed their desire to win. They just aren’t as self-important and snooty about it. Chelsey could use a few pointers in those areas. Unfortunately for all of us dealing with Chelsey’s ego, she rocks her photoshoot pretty hard.
Ann likes art. Why do all weird people like art? No offense intended, Gasmii, but why can’t artists just like normal stuff like J. Crew cardigans, Reese Witherspoon, classic 80′s rock, and Gap jeans like the rest of us? If conforming to society means my ass stays out of Hot Topic, than conform away. Anyway, Ann does well on her shoot since she’s all Artsy Fartsy Ann today.
Guess who else does well? Kayla. Guess who is getting over her fear of posing with male models? Kayla. Guess who is sick of the Kayla can’t be near men storyline? Me.
Obviously Chris’s photoshoot doesn’t go well. All the indicators were there. Early on talking head interview. Desire to do better than last week. Injured foot. Phonecall from terminally ill family member tells Chris to bring the victory on home because modelin’ is in her Texas blood and that everyone is so proud of her. Well, the last one didn’t really happen but it may as well have.
Panel time! I love the guest judge before even knowing who he is because he is looking at Nigel the same way I look at Nigel about 35 times per episode.
Also, Tyra has straps!! And no tights!!!
In case you were wondering, the guest judge in possessor of snark face is Kyle Hagler, an IMG manager.
Well, we all knew it was coming. Tyra and friends are pissed that the girls only made it to one go see in four hours, or in Chelsey’s case, two. I actually agree with her annoyance because, well, duh. Anyway, Kayla’s picture turned out great and the judges love it.
Chelsey is up next. The judges love her photo as well but they want her to look more fashion modely in her pictures. None of them mention that the male model totes got to first base.
Chris’s picture is meh. She looks sleepy and her foot hurts. Next
Ann’s picture is good but she’s told she needs to exhibit a more colorful personality. I’m so sick of this Ann is meek and feeble shit. If she is the second coming of high fashion models, than just leave her scrawny ass alone and let her be weird if she wants to be. Not everyone feels comfortable dressing up in camel toe capris and newsie caps, Banks.
Jane goes last and they make this poor girl cry AGAIN.
After deliberation, Kayla wins best photo once again. That’s going to be a huge let down for her when she loses. I’m frankly surprised those stumpy little legs have carried her this far. Jane and Chris end up in the bottom two and Chris gets sent home with a few parting words about getting her ass into some acting classes stat. Great. Thanks for the advice Tyra. Is that what you did to land this plum role?
Gasmii, next week is final four! Can you believe it’s almost over? See you then!