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Let me start this week off by saying a huge thank you to all Veterans, past, present and future. Your duty to this country is much appreciated and we would not and could not be the country we are without you. It’s easy to take for granted all the service members this nation and other nations have due to the length of the conflicts we are in. Thank a Veteran not just on Veterans day but whenever you can. And to the Veterans, please stay strong, proud, and come back home quickly and safely.
This week, we are down to the final five. These lucky ladies each have a 20% shot at actually winning this thing. They are still hanging out in Milan and my girl Chris is first up with her talking head letting us know that due to her placing in the bottom two the week prior, this week she has to be stunning and amazing. Damn it, Chris. Have you never seen this show? You can’t talk about trying to make yourself awesome. The Banks can smell ambition like bees smell fear. Girlfriend is a goner.
OMFG, TYRA MAIL! ”Prepare to fare una buona impressione. Love, Tyra.” Against all odds, the girls are able to decipher the meaning of this Vulcan language and figure out that Go Sees will be occurring the next day. I FUCKING LOVE the Go Sees episode of this godforsaken show. They always get lost and the real fashion insiders, not the talk show host/Vogue Snuggie guy/”Noted fashion photographer”, actually give good, honest feedback without hamming up to the camera. It’s refreshing and honestly the type of feedback these stick figures need since once this show ends, The Banks is gonna drop them like a hot potato. Unless they smother themselves in sour cream and butter, then The Banks will lick them clean.
The following day, Tyra takes some time out from her paper route to go over how to put together a decent portfolio for a Go See. This little impromptu scrapbooking session is going down at the IMG Milan headquarters. I bet she can scrapbook the shit out of some pictures. Her private album probably looks a little like this:
For the second week in a row, The Banks actually makes sense and sounds like she’s giving the models some decent advice about the portfolios. In typical Tyra style, she makes it into a soliloquy about her own past experiences with her modeling portfolio and has once again reverted back to The Banks of yesternuts.
After the portfolio nonsense ends, Tyra introduces the models to the IMG Milan directors, named Giovanni Di Corrinto and Andrea Cairo. They talk in heavily accented English and the behind the scenes producer dudes do me a solid and totally subtitle the guy even though he is speaking English. Thanks, producer dudes. Because I never would have figured out what the hell his Italian ass was saying otherwise. Margherita Missoni already proved I clearly have no ear for accents.
The girls are charged with getting to four go sees. 1. A photographer 2. Another photographer 3. A casting director and 4. Motherfucking Versace. Dude, The Banks is hard core kicking ass with the big industry names this season. Newsie caps off, my lady.
Below is the Go See map, Versace excluded. The reasons for including the map are two fold. 1. So you can see where all the models are going 2. So you can see that the destinations are relatively close together and also appear to be located off major roads.
The girls are given the addresses to each location and are told that they can go by bus, subway, and on foot to get to each place in the allotted 4 hour chunk of time. They are told to come back to IMG no later than 6:30 PM or else they will be disqualified. Hahaha. I laugh at the ANTM producers’ gross underestimation of how dumb these chickadees really are. Good thing this isn’t The Amazing Race. No way on this earth are they going to be able to find four different locations, even if they had 24 hours to complete the task rather than 4 hours.
Right out of the chute, Chris and Jane decide to pair up and take off down the road, heading to Versace first. Kayla and Chelsey decide to pair up as well, and become total Mean Girls, blatantly ignoring Ann trailing behind them. Now, I’m all about some reality TV competition but it seems awfully Jessica Wakefieldish to pair off and leave String Bean Ann, who clearly is on the verge of a nervous breakdown and already suffers from anxiety when placed in any sort of social setting, to fend for herself. I guess with Liz gone, someone’s gotta be handed the bitch torch and doth, thy name is Chelsey.
In breaking news, Milan is still ferrying repressed slaves from the grips of the evil Austrian empire to…France?
After quizzing a waiter for directions, Jane and Chris make it to Versace for their first go see. Chris sits down with him first and asks a couple questions of Angelo Azzena, the guy looking over her portfolio. He doesn’t offer much feedback regarding her pictures and starts going through Jane’s book next. Chelsey, Kayla, and Ann are still walking around like the idiots that they are instead of, oh I don’t know, consulting a freaking cab driver that drives around the city all goddamn day. Christ. Even if he doesn’t know the exact location, chances are homeslice is going to be able to get them to the right street or intersection. Just a thought.
Back at Versace, Chris and Jane have changed into some Versace frocks and are doing their runway walk for the fashion director. He likes Jane but thinks the walk needs work. He’s definitely not feeling Chris though, saying that she looks like a model from the 80′s. Ooooh, Italian burn.
Meanwhile, the Tweedle Dee, Tweedle Duh and Ann are sitting, waiting for their turn. Since they just walked around unnecessarily for forty minutes, they start trying to put their melting faces back together while waiting. I have to ask. Ann, is that seriously how you want your hair to look for a Versace Go See? For the love of all that is good in this world, get this girl a freaking comb.
Chelsey’s turn to walk and she starts bitching about how the fashion guy didn’t let on as to whether or not her thought she was special. Is she for real? Imagine the mind fuck the guy who took her virginity must have gone through with this broad. Anyway, Chels. It’s because you are not special and your skin makes you like like you are a 23 going on 65. Verdict on Kayla is that she’s got a great face for editorial but not for a show.
And with that, Chelsey peaces out of Versace and sets off on her own because bitch doesn’t have time to be waiting for anyone else. Jane and Chris locate a map and even with this amazing discovery, they decide to just go back to IMG so they aren’t late. Yes, that’s right. They went to 1 Go See. Out of four. ONE OUT OF FOUR. I can’t even get started on how much of a land navigating fail that is. Also, somewhere along this epic journey, Chris busts her foot. Don’t care. Lets just end all of our misery here.
Back at Versace, Ann is making a big splash and despite her absolutely terrible walk, we find out that he would book her for print and shows. He thinks she has the perfect body too, which is slightly disturbing albeit truthful about high fashion I guess.
Chelsey heads down into the subway and after getting blown off by countless locals, she finds the cutest, English speaking young lady to help her navigate to the next spot. I want to be BFF with the girl that helped her because her glasses are adorable and she was really sweet. Also, I want to steal her purse.
This whole Go See thing is getting repetitive and tired so here’s what you really need to know.
1. Ann is lost.
2. Kayls is lost.
3. Chelsey makes it to a second Go See at Global Casting. The guy likes her look and shape. She makes it back on time, after hitting 2 out of 4 locations.
Kayla and Ann both eventually manage to crawl their way back to IMG but are obviously way past the 6:30 pm timeline, making only Chris, Jane, and Chelsey eligible to win the challenge. Hmmm. Wonder who’s taking this one? The idiots that went to one Go See and got described as having a walk that needs improvement and a model from the 80s or the girl that made it to two out of four, managing to book 1.
As her prize, Chelsey gets a black Versace coat which seems kind of a lackluster prize for winning the Go See challenge. Didn’t old prizes used to include actual photo spreads in magazines once in awhile or modeling for advertisements, etc? Granted the magazine was probably Seventeen or In Touch Weekly but a magazine is a magazine, right? Kayla points out that the coat looks expensive and is definitely not a knock off. Thank you, Kayla. I’m sure Versace would send a knock off coat as a prize. Is there something in the Milan water supply actively turning these girls into pigeons?
Tyra Mail again. ”Soon I’m going to make you look marblelous. Love, Tyra.” Once again, the girls figure out the meaning behind the Tyra Mail. How is it that they can decipher their daily activities from cryptic, ill-written, pun filled messages but they can’t figure out how to read a fucking map?
The next day the girls arrive at this huge chateau located on Lake Como and George Clooney pops out to show the girls around, dropping the bombshell that he’ll be posing alongside the girls as the male model. HA! Yeah right. Actually, they find Nigel and Jay at the home where Nigel fills them in that they’ll be posing as statues in the garden that have come to life with a male model sculptor by their side. Oh yeah, Nigel’s pervy ass is going to be the photographer today too.
The girls are off to hair and makeup and start the transformation into marble statues. The makeup dude is creeping me out a bit and is vaguely reminiscent of the Six Flags Old Tap Dancing Man’s younger, more flamboyant, Italian brother.
Jane is up first and doesn’t seem like she is doing terribly but keeps getting talked to over and over and over again by Jay and Nigel to the point where she finally breaks down. I don’t know why they were jumping up Jane’s asshole so much because she really seemed like she was doing fine and it all seems like a ploy to make her cry to me.
Chelsey is up after Jane and Chelsey is working on my very last fucking nerve because she thinks she deserves to be there more than anyone else and wants to win more than anyone else there. Like, what is she honestly forming these egregious opinions around? Aside from Chris who does seem a bit “along for the ride” Kayla, Jane, and Ann have all expressed their desire to win. They just aren’t as self-important and snooty about it. Chelsey could use a few pointers in those areas. Unfortunately for all of us dealing with Chelsey’s ego, she rocks her photoshoot pretty hard.
Ann likes art. Why do all weird people like art? No offense intended, Gasmii, but why can’t artists just like normal stuff like J. Crew cardigans, Reese Witherspoon, classic 80′s rock, and Gap jeans like the rest of us? If conforming to society means my ass stays out of Hot Topic, than conform away. Anyway, Ann does well on her shoot since she’s all Artsy Fartsy Ann today.
Guess who else does well? Kayla. Guess who is getting over her fear of posing with male models? Kayla. Guess who is sick of the Kayla can’t be near men storyline? Me.
Obviously Chris’s photoshoot doesn’t go well. All the indicators were there. Early on talking head interview. Desire to do better than last week. Injured foot. Phonecall from terminally ill family member tells Chris to bring the victory on home because modelin’ is in her Texas blood and that everyone is so proud of her. Well, the last one didn’t really happen but it may as well have.
Panel time! I love the guest judge before even knowing who he is because he is looking at Nigel the same way I look at Nigel about 35 times per episode.
Also, Tyra has straps!! And no tights!!!
In case you were wondering, the guest judge in possessor of snark face is Kyle Hagler, an IMG manager.
Well, we all knew it was coming. Tyra and friends are pissed that the girls only made it to one go see in four hours, or in Chelsey’s case, two. I actually agree with her annoyance because, well, duh. Anyway, Kayla’s picture turned out great and the judges love it.
Chelsey is up next. The judges love her photo as well but they want her to look more fashion modely in her pictures. None of them mention that the male model totes got to first base.
Chris’s picture is meh. She looks sleepy and her foot hurts. Next
Ann’s picture is good but she’s told she needs to exhibit a more colorful personality. I’m so sick of this Ann is meek and feeble shit. If she is the second coming of high fashion models, than just leave her scrawny ass alone and let her be weird if she wants to be. Not everyone feels comfortable dressing up in camel toe capris and newsie caps, Banks.
Jane goes last and they make this poor girl cry AGAIN.
After deliberation, Kayla wins best photo once again. That’s going to be a huge let down for her when she loses. I’m frankly surprised those stumpy little legs have carried her this far. Jane and Chris end up in the bottom two and Chris gets sent home with a few parting words about getting her ass into some acting classes stat. Great. Thanks for the advice Tyra. Is that what you did to land this plum role?
Gasmii, next week is final four! Can you believe it’s almost over? See you then!
15 Comments
So…the girl who is 40 pounds underweight and slouches, has only one (vacant) expression, and walks like Bambi on ice is PERFECT, and will even get booked for runway? Are all these fashion types on drugs?
Don’t worry, P-Baby, not all artists are weird. I’m not, and I work in the theatre, the LAND of the weird people who like to do weird shit just for shock value. I appreciate Reese Witherspoon, even though many of my colleagues are very snooty and look down with disdain upon pop culture. Frankly, I love me some trashy magazines now and again. Not all art has to be weird or different in order to be valuable.
Also, I was curious about how Veterans’ Day works in the US. Remembrance Day is the same concept in Canada, but an American friend told me the other day that in the US, Veterans’ Day isn’t nearly as intense. Remembrance Day is a national holiday, so practically everything is closed, and there are ceremonies all over the country and people wearing red poppies and at 11:11, there is a nation wide moment of silence.
Is it not like this in the US? This friend of mine (who is from Ohio, in case that makes a difference) said that where she lives, none of these practices are observed. I find that extremely interesting, considering that the US is a much more militarily-focused country than Canada. Just a thought…
Anyway, back to models. I want Jane to win. I suspect that Kayla will take fourth place, Chelsey will take third (much to her bitter disappointment), Ann will come in second and Jane will take the crown. I think that Jane’s face is just so much more suited to high-fashion than any of the other girls. Chelsey could probably do commercial stuff, but I don’t see her in high-fashion. Ann could do high-fashion, but she will probably lose when it comes down to the final two because she walks like a horse. And I just don’t think Kayla will crack the top three, I think it’s pretty much a lock.
Thanks for the great recap as always!
I kind of disagree with the guy from Versace about Ann’s physical perfection. She did not look good in that tight dress. And it’s not because she’s so thin as much as her proportions are off for modeling. Look at where her hip bones hit on the skirt. She’s too long-waisted. I think he was just so impressed with her height and gobsmacked by her Lurch-like walk to pay attention to how the dress actually fit her. Which was the worst out of the three who wore it. Kayla looked fine, but a little stumpy, and Jane looked like a princess. But both Jane and Kayla are on the short side for models so they were less “impressive.”
I wasn’t any more impressed with Chelsey and Kayla than Jane, so I can’t see where the criticism was coming from. At the very least, she still looked pretty in all that white makeup. There was likely much more going on than what we saw, but what they showed seemed more like they were frustrated with Jane’s lack of “personality” before she showed up and that frustration bled into the shoot.
TyTy was right about Chris, though. She’s a cute girl with a charming personality who can wear a lot of makeup and still be really pretty so she’d do well to pursue TV hosting gigs…like, say, replace TyTya at ANTM. That show would be so much fun. Just let TyTy judge.
georgiababe,
Veteran’s Day here in the states is considered a federal holiday, meaning no mail delivery, banks are closed etc. As far as the general public, there’s nothing really like the red poppy pins you guys wear save for some yellow ribbon pins but those can be worn year round in support of the troops. No moment of silence either but some towns and cities do have Veteran’s Day parades. Your friend is right though. It isn’t that intense in terms of observation and most just look forward to a day off from work. Which is irritating to me as a wife and daughter of veterans but I digress. Anyway, thanks for reading! I love seeing readers from all over the world!
Love,
P-Baby
@georgiababe and @P-Baby: I am ashamed to confess my ignorance, but I THINK that Memorial Day might be more analogous to Remembrance Day than Veterans’ Day is. Veterans’ Day is for living military vets as well as those who were killed in battle.
We have so many holidays in the U.S. that only a handful are really big deals. I think the big ones are Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years’ Day, and Independence Day (July 4th). The others are mostly relegated to being held on Mondays, so that people can have long weekends off.
Ann is freakish-looking, which is what they look for in “high fashion.” They want someone with borderline circus-freak looks who will be instantly recognizable. There was a top runway model a few years ago who was known for her abnormally long arms. However, they also need girls who can walk and look good in clothes. I agree that Ann is long-waisted; the only thing that saves her is that she is so tall that she has long legs also. Her legs are shapeless, though. And she has no chin.
I’m hoping that they are giving Jane the redemption arc, where she pulls herself together and transcends this episode to “bring it” in the final and win it all. I don’t know why Nigel hates her; she must not have let him touch her tit, or something. Maybe she is not submissive enough. Chelsey and Kayla photograph well, but don’t impress in person. They’d probably be better off with more natural hair colors. To me, Ann doesn’t even photograph that well, let alone her galumphing walk, but the judges see something there.
And don’t y’all be insulting horses like that. Ann walks more like a camel.
Split the difference and say that Remembrance Day combines both Veterans Day, which honors all veterans, both living and dead and Memorial Day which honors the fallen. I remember when I was growing up that my father would wear a red poppy to work on Veteran’s Day, though. It was a big thing and I was always excited to buy my own, too. I never understood why, but I always looked forward to buying a paper poppy to wear to school.
Jane is getting pretty much the same treatment all the college girls get. They’re usually far less demonstrative and that always equals “no personality” in Tyra’s world because the only personality that registers with her is “asshole.” But Jane did cry, and that’s always “beautiful” to Tyra because she only sees the vulnerability and not how her own bullying brought it on.
Veterans Day meant something way back when our troops a) were mostly draftees, and b) went to war for a legitimate cause (i.e., defending our allies). Once military service became voluntary, and the “wars” we got involved in became more like illegal invasions, well, it kind of took the shine off of things. I realize that’s not PC to say, but that’s the way I see it.
This season kind of lacks the spark of previous seasons. The girls just aren’t that convincing. It’s really hard to drum up any kind of enthusiasm for Ann, who’s just really homely (and has a horrific body). Jane’s the only one who looks like a model, but she’s also a bit too repressed. Chelsea’s too old, and just not convincing. And Kayla’s just cannon fodder. And kind of trailer trash to boot.
Also, I’m assuming that Milan (never been there) is like most major European with long histories, which means their city centers are really not that large and easily walkable, even if the streets can get confusing at times. I’m surprised Jane had such a hard time of it, but I’m guessing the Princeton gig is all about the lacross scholarship (and the cuteness).
P-Baby and commenters: Nice to see the comments and discussion about Veterans Day!
I’m a little worried for my Monkton girl, Jane. I don’t think the editors are doing her any favors–every once in a while, I see a hint that she is pretty smart, and in terms of personality, well, she seems like the nicest one there and the easiest to get along with. Really–does Kate Moss (that’s how far my model knowledge goes) come across as having a stellar personality? I’m still pulling for Jane, but it doesn’t look good from this last episode, to me…
Still, I hope Pixielated is right that that she gets it together. Ann is driving me insane with her inability to do just about anything but take a decent picture; Chelsey is just “meh” to me; and Kayla is all right, but not high fashion, I think. No one really seems to have the WHOLE package a la Danielle or Jaslene (the only winners I can remember from the seasons I’ve seen). And I think Danielle won against Tyra’s vote. But I’m glad she did.
I am just wondering how many times TyTy can say “effervescent” this cycle. I have so far counted four….does she really think that it makes her sound smart repeating the same ‘big’ word over and over? Anyways moving on…..
Chelsey annoys the crap out of me if I hear ONE MORE TIME about how much she thinks Ann sucks and is not worthy of this compared to her I will literally find her and punch her in the face. On that note I think she and Jane will be the two who get kicked out first. I think it will be Kayla and Ann as the final two. Only because they are the only ones out of the four who have had best pictures. Also Kayla has had the last two in a row. Chelsey for all her proclaiming has not had it one time. Jane is stunning but it would be completely unfair for her too be in the final two with NO best picture and being in the bottom two more than once. But hey since when does ANTM make sense?
ty for recaps
Teeheeh snow/coke ahhh i amuse myself
1. that karl hagger guy or watever his name is… MC HAMMER much??? cant touch this.. nananana.. cant touch this…
2. OMG im gonna cut these bitches. WHAT the F is wrong with them? are they dumb?
they fked up the go see so much, i swear they didnt take this shit seriously and all this lost drama is fking bullshit. During fashion week, a model can go up to 6-12 go sees in a matter of 4-6 hours, and id be mad if i was one of those go-see people and waited for dumb hoes to turn up and they dont. if this happened in real life, the casting agent would have rang the agency and told them they would never work with that model again.
bitches no excuse, i dont speak italian/french/german, but with a map i can make out where i am and where i need to go, these girls are just fking stupid. piss me off, unprofessional.
and Ann = art… are you pulling my leg tyranasaurus? just because people are “social outcasts” doesnt mean they are all arty. my “arty” friends are not social outcasts or weird at all, in fact they are loud, talk alot, drink like fishes and know how to party… mmm kay. way to stereotype shit.
now for the go-see, that versace guy is right about chelsey, bitch looks 2 seasons ago, its harsh burnnnnn but soo true lol. tyra just cant keep up with the times.
and LOL kayla and her “that jacket doesnt look like a knock off at all” OMG! yes, because thats what versace was going to do lol send chelsey a fake jacket which was from their 2008/09 autumn/winter collection which has been sitting on the sale rack at milan.
and what is the problem with them making jane cry. and all that talk about personality will get you booked? didnt that versace guy say he would book Ann, cuz she “had the right body” and not because of her personality…
and in fashion it doesnt matter if you have stank personality.
1. kate moss = loves coke, got exposed for doing blow, got more jobs from burberry for their winter snow collection
2. naomi campbell, megabitch who wears blood diamonds, still winning jobs!
3. Jessica White bashes a woman in taxi, still getting booked.
The fashion industry HAS NO MORALS! omg, come on, why do you think they tell everyday women that they gotta be bony like Ann to be beautiful? that unless we can see their rib cage and pelvic bone, they arent sexy.
If you are 1. skinny 2. do blow 3. eat a piece of lettuce a day, smoke 4 packets of cigarettes and 4. when you are starving you cut up a cube of chocolate = then you qualify to model. finito!
and this kayla lesbo thing is boring too, im a gay dude but if you asked me to pose with a woman and pretend to be inlove, i could do it, i just pretend your ryan reynolds/hugh jackman/hunter parish/blah blah.
so what… bitch stop making a big deal about it, its not like you are Rosa Parks or something.
and Jay’s outfit at the photoshoot was just abit over the top. omg, he looks like a potato.
seriously, why do gay guys wear super tight shirts and unbutton 3-4 top ones… i work out too and have a smokin bod but you dont see me doing it, bitch i dont want to see your wax chest you fat ass queen.
and with all these male models around.. im starting to think we need a male version of ANTM, at least the perving will make up for the boredom.
@Rach–Who is Tyra calling “effervescent”? The only one of this group who was effervescent was Chris. Ann is like the polar opposite of effervescent, whatever that is.
Does Ann’s slouching remind anyone else of Shaggy on “Scooby Doo”?
Yeah…but Shaggy never threw-up his Scooby snacks.
Hey all, Some valid points in all directions, but I’m leaning toward Rach coz I agree, if you’ve never won any pics, you would lose top two no matter what, if you recall seasons when they’ve pulled a few select challenges and put them head to head. Jane’s lack of “spark” I’ll call it, comes across in her photo’s too, for a smart girl she comes across dumb and dull (sorry Jane, it’s not hatin’) I do agree she’s got the parts for it, and has had some good pics, and she seems nice enough, but I’ve not seen a wow shot from her.
Kayla’s last two shoots have been wows for me, and the final pics great too. Ann seems more lucky each time she wins, and is def photogenic. I figure a year of modeling will help her relax in these “social” situations, and she will likely find work no matter what.
Chelsey kept going on and on and on . . . I was wondering if she was getting the loser edit or what. I would say she’s the most dependable.
As for Go-sees, I would so much rather hear the professional views than watch a bunch of dumb models get lost and be clueless. What is more valuable to the panel!? It is more like amazing race, and it’s never been right that whoever wins likely saw the least number of appointments. Angelea is the exception. Totally made Banks and co look bad, esp when she probably had to hustle for those contacts. Maybe she should have kept around a few more “modely” girls like Kendal, who at least look the part.
I never noticed Kayla’s legs, but I guess I can see it now. I thinkl she’s still the most chameleon of the group, and when she’s in the zone, she’s awesome.
As for the gay complaints . . . just imagine the question that came before what she says . . .
“So Kayla, what is it like being a lesbian and having to do another intimate shoot with a man?”
As for Jane’s tears, my friend say every time a contestant weeps-”Cry Monkey!!!!” hee . . .
Thanks P-baby!!!
Frickin judges inconsistency! They go on and on about how bookability is the key to a model’s career and then they fault Ann even though she booked show AND print for Versace!!
Now, I’m tired of overrated Ann as much as the next gasmi, but Tyra needs to get off that personality sh*t! She is stuck in 2005 when everyone had curves, a stomp and sauciness but “in fashion, one day you’re in, next day you’re out”!
Get with it!