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Happy Halloween, Gasmii! P-Baby here, ready to get this recap started as Mr. P-Baby and I have many Halloween festivities to tend to this weekend which may or may not include costume karaoke, handing out candy to snotty trick or treaters and horror movie marathons. It may be the best Halloween ever, excluding the year I went dressed as Tom Cruise circa Risky Business. I got a lot of candy that year.
This week, we open at the house where Liz won’t shut the fuck up about winning first call out at judge’s panel. Let’s keep things in perspective, Lizzie. First call out last week basically means you sucked the least whilst you were dressed as a stringy haired magician that puts the lotion on its skin that also coincidentally resembles John Galliano. Need a reminder?
Liz is super pumped and tells Ann she finally knows how she feels. No you don’t, Liz. Ann won first call out five weeks in a row. You won once. That’s like me saying I know how Reese Witherspoon felt dating Jake Gyllenhaal for two years after I happen to walk by him on the street. PS. Speaking of Jake Gyllenhaal, Taylor Swift better watch her scrawny “I write about how miserable my love life is and how I hate high school boys even though I’m 20 and have never experienced anything even remotely difficult” back.
My girl Marble Mouth Esther is going to work on putting herself out there more in order to display her personality since she was in the bottom two last week. This means Esther is definitely going home. If only Esther had sat there and said, “Fuck Tyra, I don’t give a rat’s ass about what she says. I’m going to suck ten times harder this week and enunciate my words even less,” then she probably would have had a fighting shot at sticking around.
I guess it is the next day and Miss J has forced her way into the model house, dragging along cute patootie Zac Posen with him to inform the models they will be participating in a fashion show modeling Zac’s new line called Z Spoke. Confession time, Gasmii. I thought they were saying Sea Spoke and believed the models would be wearing nautical inspired clothes to include conch shells and seahorses until I saw the name written out as Z Spoke. While as a rule I love Zac Posen’s designs, this episode would have been so much better if the models had been forced to wear mermaid tails and navigate a runway full of pinching Sebastian crabs.
The girls will be walking the runway along side professional models and Ann says what the rest of us are thinking that she’s unsure if she’s ready to walk on the runway. Actually, the rest of us are wondering how Ann walks down her driveway to the mailbox everyday without falling over, let alone walk a runway in front of fashion industry types scrutinizing her every stomp.
Zac sits with Miss J and the models and they get to have a question and answer session with him. They ask boring, relevant questions about the types of models and model walks he likes, etc while I really want to know the dirt on the celebrities he dresses, what his favorite movies are, and if he’ll be my friend on Facebook.
I’m really growing tired of this show trying so hard to be credible. Seriously, Tyra. The cat’s out of the bag that you are bat shit crazy. Faking sanity after 14 cycles of madness is not going to make us forget.
The next day the girls arrive at the fashion show and are greeted by Miss J and Zac again. Miss J announces that the winner of the challenge will receive five looks for Zac’s Z (Sea) Spoke line, which is a decent prize. Not as cool as going to the Grammys, but a nice way to pad your wardrobe for fall. The professional models also in the show come out but only after being secretly instructed by Miss J to be bitches to the ANTM girls as a way to emulate what real fashion shows can be like. YES. Finally this show is getting interesting. I’d bet my left tit that Miss J could have said absolutely nothing to the pros and they would have acted exactly the same. And my left one is the big one.
The ANTM models practice walking while dressed in Zac’s clothes as he is really into how his models walk as well as how they look. The pros win my snarky heart by providing snide comments during this practice session because they basically get to say out loud everything I’m thinking with no repercussions. What sucks is that none of the ANTM wet blankets say anything back to the pros, making me wish for the likes of Jade, Kenyah, and even a little Lexie or Kacey action to stand up and cause a bitchy scene. Finally, the show starts and Jane is the first one out of the chute. Jane is gorgeous, you guys. She really has a great face. If only she didn’t look like a such a hot mess walking.
Jane’s saving grace for her abysmal walk is Esther is up right after her and gallops like a top heavy clydesdale down the runway. I don’t know if Esther’s jugs make her off balance or maybe she just has an odd walk in general but regardless the reason, it’s not good. To make it even worse, she spins like a little girl in her Sunday church dress before continuing on down the runway. Or temple dress. You know, because she’s Jewish.
Liz walks next after being told she’s not ready by one of the pros. To her credit, she doesn’t let it get to her and walks pretty well. This whole set up of the outdoor fashion show and Liz’s outfit totally makes me want to watch Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead.
I LOVE the ending of that movie. Well, I love the movie in its entirety but the ending where the 90′s have upchucked all over Christina Applegate’s conveniently fashion modely friends and they put on the coolest fashion show ever by the pool is the best.
Not to mention, the eye candy. Though this may be the first and only time in history someone wearing this costume was called eye candy.
Kayla walks after Liz and Kayla’s legs look super short this episode. Has she always had nubbins for legs?
One of the models sufficiently freaks Ann out by telling her there are a lot of people out there right before her walk. What the hell did Ann think was going on at this thing? Also, BTW Ann, you are on a TV show. I don’t know what the ratings are like but it’s got to be more than five.
Ann walks out onto the runway stinks it up like the P-Baby house after Fajita and Frijoles Friday. She’s not a newborn, right? She has had this frame and those legs presumably since birth so surely she should know how to walk without tripping all over her feet.
Chris and Chelsey walk without incident, with Chelsey catching Zac’s eye as performing particularly well. Chris is seriously growing on me. She’s likable, relatable, commercial, and has a good personality. And with those comments, I am now overqualified to sit on the ANTM judge’s panel.
The show comes to an end and Miss J gathers the girls backstage to inform them that the professional models had been put up to their mean girl ways by him. It’s all hugs and laughs and Chelsey is announced as the challenge winner. No hair pulling or cat fights broke out and I’m back to snooze mode.
The next morning or whatever the fuck day it is, Jay and Nigel pop in on the girls during breakfast which is 1. Creepy and 2. Awfully convenient that none of the girls are caught in their granny panties with birds nest hair and a coffee mustache. Seriously, what the hell is going on with Nigel? Has he always been this pervy or am I just noticing it now that my “Nigel’s so hot” blinders were removed by Francesco Carrozzini last week?
Nigel and Jay are here to shoot the girls in their first commercial where they will be selling H2T beauty and energy water. And thank all that is holy this is a fake drink because it sounds too much like H Titty. Nigel will be directing this fake commercial on location right outside the girls’ house. The whole thing reeks of budget costs as there is no real product and no famous photographer or stylist present either. Lame.
Nigel drops the bombshell that for the commercial the ladies will be on roller skates and kissing boys. Kayla is particularly offended by the boy part of the equation because…in unison now…she’s a giant, raging lesbian. So being the snarky, disgruntled recapper that I am, my initial instinct is to tell Kayla to shut the hell up and get over it because it wouldn’t be the first time in life that a lesbian kissed a dude. Except this time, Kayla cements my place in hell as she reveals that her issues with kissing men stems from sexual assault that occurred for a year when she was 11. Damn it, Kayla. I can’t make fun of that.
After seeing Kayla visibly distraught, Jay drags her aside and Kayla reveals her sexual assault secret. Apparently not even her mom knows which is going to be a bit of a bombshell to say the least when she watches this episode. I guess sharing all your deepest emotionally scarring secrets on a B-List reality show is the way to go these days.
Kayla’s commercial is shot first and after stumbling over some of her lines, she manages to get through it. It’s actually kind of hard to watch how uncomfortable she is at the end with the male model but she gets finishes and I like her a little more for it.
Liz isn’t nervous because she memorized her lines completely though I equate it to when you study for a final half-assedly, think you’ve got it under control, and realize you are fucked upon reading the first question of the test. Liz forgets everything, laughing her way through the commercial. Nigel is pissed and his flared nostrils tell me so.
Esther’s commercial is next and good old Marble Mouth not only sucks at roller skating, she sucks at having any sort of personality. I blame H2T.
Jane may have gone to Princeton on a lacrosse scholarship but her athletic prowess does not translate onto roller skates. Other than that, her commercial is decent.
Chelsey gets approximately 3 seconds of air time for her commercial segment so I have no comments. Her tattoo of the bird on her back is cute though.
Chris rolls around on her skates like she’s been skating herself to the mall for years. She also delivers her lines smoothly which means that Chris is going to win this challenge as the only other model to go is Ann and bitch can’t walk even when wheels aren’t strapped to her feet.
As suspected, Ann sucks so incredibly bad at delivering the lines, the skates, the commercial in general. I also think it is lame that Ann keeps blaming all her issues on being tall. Other tall women have plenty of control over their extremities. Lisa Leslie, those beach volleyball chicks, that tall school minster broad that dates Hagrid. Ann needs to stop making excuses and gain some semblance of control over her limbs. Nigel asks her if she’d be more comfortable in pads though I hear this as pants and my inner Michael Scott zings a That’s What She Said towards the screen. Every time Ann falls, a Chinese baby is born, which is why there are like 9 billion of them now.
Ahh, Banks is nigh. Wearing her Dallas hair, spackle paint face, a mint green one shoulder dress and varicose vein hiding stockings, she is quite the vision. She rambles for awhile about some magazine, a bunch of prizes, introduces Zac as the guest judge and finally we get to the pictures.
Jane is called up first and her commercial turned out pretty good. Nothing to write home about but her personality was almost there and the camera really loves her face.
Liz is up next and after we watch her attempt at a commercial, she breaks down in front of the panel due to some Tyra prodding. She says everything she does is to provide for her daughter and Tyra tells her to use that next time as inspiration so she doesn’t fucking blow it.
Chris’s commercial is by far the best and is commended by the panel for her delivery. Tyra rightfully tells her she a little on the cheesy side but cheesy is ok sometimes. Just ask Kraft.
Ann’s commercial is terrible and I actually just fast forwarded it because it is too painful to watch again. So instead, let’s look at this.
Kayla’s commercial is ok considering she is going through some serious Oprah shit during the whole thing. Zac tells her to love humanity. I love Zac.
Chelsey’s is OK if a little stiff………that’s what she said. I’m sorry. I can’t help it sometimes.
Esther’s commercial bad. I don’t think we need to relive that one again either so instead, here she is at judge’s panel looking super cute. Poor Esther. Too little too late.
After some fake deliberation because it is painfully obvious who is going to win and who’s going home, Chris gets first call out. Ann and Esther end up in the bottom two but we call this a red herring because we all know BFG Ann is sticking around until at least the finals. So Esther is off to eat her kosher food and Ann lives to see another day. Well Gasmii, that’s all she wrote. Hope you all have a happy Halloween with lots of candy eating and slutty costume wearing. See you next week!