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Gasmii, a pumpkin pie filled gravy slathered Christmas sweater wearing P-Baby here with the final recap of America’s Next Top Model Cycle 15. I can’t believe the season finale is upon us, as there were times where I really thought this cycle may never end, specifically when Liz was blessing us with her ignorance of Mulan vs Milan or when Kayla made me never want to hear the words sleeping bag again or when Chelsey was telling us how she was the hardest!working! model! that deserved to win more than anyone ever times infinity!!
I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday and threw down for some serious sales on Black Friday. I, for one, managed to swipe up Season 1 of True Blood at Wal-Mart for $12 which was the only thing I really wanted. Mmmmm, Vampire Eric. Mr. P-Baby enjoyed the fun and invested in a Playstation 3 with my blessing. Sucks for him that he’s never going to play it since my Netflix will be streaming 24/7. He doesn’t know that yet.
Anyway, Gasmii, on top of all the holiday cheer, I moved across the country over the same holiday weekend and am currently holed up in a hotel until me and the mister find a home. This is relevant because my hotel tried and failed to sabotage my viewing of the ANTM finale. I flipped the channel, proving I can read a clock and acclimate to the mountain time zone TV schedule, only to find that there was no freaking volume coming out of my TV solely on the channel that ANTM was airing. So I said to myself, “No worries, P-Baby, put that shit on closed caption. Ann’s voice sucks anyway.” I did just that and about 30 seconds later, the screen goes black. Just as I was drafting my I NEED AN EMERGENCY FILL IN email to Flipit, the TV unfucks itself in time for me to miss the opening montage i.e. Tyra’s latex enveloped vagina folds. Maybe the whole ordeal was a blessing in disguise.
I’m realizing that this recap is probably going to be shorter than the others because there are only two people left and both have the personality of a toadstool. Not to be confused with Toad, the awesome mushroom hatter, a frantic Mario and Luigi helper who was also the worst character to get stuck with playing Super Mario Brothers 2. Anyway, Ann has the potential to be super awesome and quirky but it’s very clear her psyche is so damaged by tormenting that she may never let her freak flag fly.
Chelsey tells us that she’s wanted to be a supermodel since she was three years old. When I was three, all I wanted was to eat blue play-doh and watch Care Bears. What the hell kind of three year old even knows what a supermodel is? Not to mention, can you imagine being in middle school and high school with a delusional twit sashaying down the halls in her LEI jeans and Hang Ten crop top believing that she’s going to be a supermodel which I’m sure equated to all sorts of eating issues and validation via putting out with jocks. I know her type. Douche.
Ann on the other hand, tells us that she’s been working very hard to correct the flaws that have been pointed out over the competition and that this is the best and biggest thing that has happened to her. She ruins it by saying it’s better than graduating high school. Kids, stay in school, because when that reality TV fame has run out and Dr. Drew starts writing scripts for you so you can get hooked on Oxy and in turn appear on his “Celebrity” Rehab show, that diploma is going to start looking pretty darn good. (Side note: I don’t know if any of that is actually true, but I say at this point, we’re using the word doctor pretty loosely.)
First up on the death march to hell is a photo shoot with Italian Vogue. This is the point in time when my hotel toaster set my english muffin on fire so I missed it first go round. All I heard was this: “Welcoma to Italian Voga uh fashion shootuh and girls uh fashionuh cheeseuh sharksuh poopuh and eatuh more fruitah.” Would a subtitle or two have killed them? Cheap bastards. Honestly though, good for stylist Valentina being bilingual because if my ass ever gets sent to Spain, I’ll probably end up in jail for hooking when I ask the wrong person to use the bathroom.
The photo shoot is unremarkable to say the least and the photographer has only complimentary things to say about both girls. If I wanted to watch this shit, I’d watch Bravo. Speaking of Bravo, since there is nothing interesting to say about this Italian Vogue photo shoot segment, remember that show Make Me A Supermodel? First of all, where was I that there were two seasons of it? Secondly, did that Holly chick from Season 1 ever amount to anything or was she Tyra’d like the rest of them? Well, more accurately, Niki’d or Tyson’d. I wouldn’t mind being Tyson’d in the biblical sense. Thirdly, a new season appears to be starting in January. You bet your buns I’ll be watching.
I guess you’ll want to see a couple photo shoot screen caps. Here.
Oh good. Tyra Mail. ”Real high fashion models know how to commercialize their careers.” The brain trust figure out this means shooting a Cover Girl commercial. How pissed is Cover Girl this season? I’m surprised the Vogue Italia building hasn’t been burnt down yet by hitmen with extremely luscious eyelashes seeing as Cover Girl is absolutely an afterthought this cycle and most certainly not high fashion.
The next day the girls arrive at the location for their commercial shoot and I’m once again prompted to send in an audition tape for the Amazing Race because the scenery in Italy is beautiful. I would be willing to consider Big Brother as a consolation though as I love sitting around and mind-fucking. Not fornicating in my daydreams but actually engaging in Pinky and the Brain type manipulation.
Jay is there to greet Ann and Chelsey and tells them they don’t have to memorize any lines today. Thank God because that H 2 T bullshit was bad enough. Ann’s armpits immediately stop sweating as she realizes she’s dodged a major bullet. The product being hocked today is Lashblast mascara. Gasmii, that stuff is my eyelash savior. Don’t take it from the idiots in the fake Cover Girl commercial. Take it from me, your loyal television recapper.
So hair and make up ensues and Ann is nervous because Chelsey has a “big personality.” Heh. The concept of the shoot is that the girls sit around at a cafe applying make up and taking pictures. They eat some ice cream and crumple up a map, because hey, who cares if you’re lost when you’ve got sugary treats to numb your stupidity. And these girls have already proven that even with a map, they can’t find their own thumb located snuggly between their asscheeks.
Jay raves about the way Ann and Chelsey are playing off of each other and this whole episode blows because there is no real sense of competition between these two. Ann is too meager to really say what a bitch Chelsey is and Chelsey thinks she’s got the whole thing locked up and keeps ranting about how awesome she is. Here are some more pictures because like many picture books, they are the only thing remotely interesting in this story.
So as a way to spice this up, the families of Ann and Chelsey are unveiled by Jay to supposedly give them inspiration in their commercial. It was good to see that both girls have such strong relationships with their parents. Is it wrong for me to say that Ann’s brother is going to be a hot piece of ass if dude puts on 30 pounds of muscle and ages 10 years?
The families get to watch during the beauty shoot portion of the Cover Girl stuff and both sets of fam are amazed at how beautiful their girls look. My cold, dark heart liked this portion of the episode because I’m a sucker for cheesy parents and Ann’s family seems super sweet. And gigantic.
Son of a bitch. Tyra Mail. ”It’s time to make one more important stop on your way to the top.” Not enough info to make a valid guess on so instead they are left to wonder who they’ll be meeting. The wait isn’t long and I guess the next day or so Ann and Chelsey meet Ivan Bart, the senior vice-president of IMG models. I hate validating anything in the fashion world as important, but that’s a pretty big deal for these ladies to have a one on one with this dude.
Feedback from Ivan after the two sit downs is that Chelsey has a great personality and that Ann made clothes look good. Great personality = nail in coffin in all walks of life. No one ever wants to be described as having a great personality unless the precursor is great face, tits and an ass that won’t quit. Point being, great personality is the last thing that should be listed on your resume of party tricks.
After the Ivan interview, we are treated to more Chelsey rambling about how she has the total package, won 3 challenges, never been in the bottom two, cured AIDS by selling vials of her fairy blood, and breast feeds abandoned Asian babies. She conveniently forgets that Ann won best photo five times in a row.
The final event on the death march is a Roberto Cavalli Just Cavalli fashion show. To make the epic showdown more interesting, hellions from past battles show up to play including Liz, Chris, Jane, Kayla, and Krista White, winner of Cycle 14. While I really could have done without seeing Liz again, it is pretty awesome they have the chance to walk in the fashion show alongside Ann and Chelsey. Jane is still a dear in my book because her and Ann have become unlikely peas in a pod while Kayla claims she’s Team Chelsey. I think Kayla doesn’t like Ann because Ann’s forearm is longer than Kayla’s entire leg.
So night falls and Tyra shows up to greet the families before the start of the show. She’s very kind to everyone but I refuse to allow Banks to have any redeeming qualities. Also, her dress is fugly.
In other related news, Chelsey’s mom is has haunted my dreams since the finale.
The runway show starts, blah blah blah. Major points include: Neither girl falls, neither girl rocks the runway, Ann still can’t walk but manages to look more normal-ish, and Kayla, Liz, Chris, and Jane were never going to win this thing. What works in Ann’s favor is that she is actually interesting to look at. The walk needs work but you bet everyone in that room was watching her, whether to see if she’d break her ankle or lock the doors with her psycho eyes and set everything on fire.
Chelsey looks like any other pretty girl at the fraternity formal with an ill-advised hair color, a slutty dress, and too much eyeliner.
This is it Gasmii! Panel time! Andre flew in from his fortune telling enterprise on the moon specifically for the occasion.
Jay also gets a spot on the panel along with Roberto Cavalli, rounding out our panel. They are ready to slice, dice, and deliberate themselves to death so why keep them waiting?
Cover Girl commercial. The commercial as a whole was very cute but I definitely want a bite out of the gelato more than I want the mascara which is a point the judges make. Both girls look great but Chelsey is decidedly more Cover Girl-esque in my opinion which just means she’s more generic looking. They get accolades for having a great commercial and Nigel commends Chelsey on her smile. As far as their pictures go for the ad campaign, Chelsey’s doesn’t even look like Chelsey. That point is ignored and the judges love it except Roberto and Andre. Ann’s picture is great and she didn’t go for the typical white, shiny teeth smiling picture. I think we all know why. Regardless, she looks good but the judges feel like she fell flat during the shoot.
The runway show. Nigel felt Chelsey’s walk was stiff (Perv just wanted to say stiff) which is bad news for her because that is really the only thing she has going for her over Ann. Tyra doesn’t like her turn around move at the end of the runway and both Jay and Roberto agree. Tyra manages to make it all about her as per usual and gives 90′s washed up runway model tips about peeking to the side at the audience and looking ahead again. The judges think Ann’s walk has definitely improved and want her to own her awkward gait. They call her out for looking scared and having zombie eyes.
For no reason other than being awesome…
And the winner is….
If you managed to avoid all entertainment media that still reports on the winners of this show, Ann bested Chelsey in the end. Bitch didn’t even try and pretend she was happy for Ann which is about par for the course.
I’m glad Ann won and think she has a definite shot at a big career. What say you Gasmii? Did the right girl win??
Thank you all for sticking through the season with me! I hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing for you! I’ll now revert back to my Moviegasm duties until the next reality show draws me out of my cinema cave!