America’s Best Dance Crew: Steppin It Up

On tonight’s America’s Best Dance Crew, we get the Music Video Challenge. In seasons past this has been all about the crews bringing the flavor (and some moves) from their assigned video and combining it with their own style. This year, they’ve decided to show the “signature dance sequence” on a video screen behind the crews while they’re dancing. To me, it makes it much more of a “dance by numbers” project than it has been before.

The signature moves range from popping and headstands, to steppin and shopping carts. Yes, you heard right. Shopping Carts. We’ve got Britney, Cascada, Rihanna, and everyone’s least favorite idiot, Omoron.

Yay Me! 

 

We’re starting out with all the crews onstage with Mario, waiting to find out who will be the first two saved crews. And they are…………..

Feh 

WOO HOO!!! 

First up is Poreotix, and their assigned music video is Rihanna’s “Umbrella”. They tell us they’re definitely going to show us something different this week; their movements are going to be bigger, instead of just robotic isolations.

One of the guys tells us how awkward it is trying to be sexy in front of your friends.

Or America 

They don’t tell us which part of the video is the “signature dance sequence”. Is it the umbrella section? Trying to be sexy? How am I supposed to judge this without knowing what they’re trying to do? How annoying.

Mario wonders if they “can do more than isolations without short circuiting.” Lord.

I guess the section with the umbrellas was the signature dance sequence. Eh. It was okay, but nothing to rave about. I think the problem is that beyond their isos, these guys aren’t really very good dancers. They know some basics, but there’s nothing new or exciting that they’re bringing to the table. That said, I think they’ll probably get by on their personalities for a while.

You know what else? I guess they were trying to be cute or funny, but I think they could have danced it less floofy. Just because you’re dancing to a song sung by a girl doesn’t mean you have to be all fake fey about it.

Is it just me or is Mario talking more after the dances this season? Maybe I used to be better at tuning him out. He thinks they went from Poreotix to the Chippendales real quick.

Sorry, I’m all out of singles. Seriously. Move along. 

Up first to speak for the judges is “pop sensation” JC Chasez. Um, y’all know that JC is the only judge I really like right now, but “pop sensation”? Yeah, eight years ago.

That sweater has “pop sensation” written all over it. 

JC says there’s never going to be a shortage of them being funny. He thinks the costumes were a good reveal, but the peel off was a GREAT reveal. Even in slo-mo it’s fast. I totally agree with JC on that one. That peel off was awesome. 

He points out their timing issues on the umbrella section, and the crowd boos him. His response? “Uuhhhh, I didn’t do it wrong.”

LOLOLOL – This is why you’re my favorite JC! 

He says it was a fun routine, but again, there wasn’t anything really complicated about it.

Lil Mama thinks they got on top of their challenge. But I’m totally distracted.

Please fire your stylist. Or change your name to Lil MeeMaw. 

She loves the way they played off of the costumes, and brought the metallic into it. “It was a good performance, it could have been better. Yeah.” Is she even trying to make sense any more?

Omoron’s turn. He thinks they’re always creative, but this performance he really wanted to see something different. Even though they had to stick to the video, he wishes they would have brought it to life a little differently. 

Pick a weiner winner 

Up next is Jungle Boogie. I don’t know how it happened, but they were one of my least favorite crews during the auditions, and last week they became my favorite crew. That doesn’t happen easily with me.
Their assigned music video is Shakira’s “Give It Up To Me”. They tell us that Raqi is not really a girly girl, but she has to be for this performance. 

The signature dance sequence in this video is going to be the stepping segment. That definitely sounds challenging. But then Antwain Hart tells us that he and his brother are national stepping champions. Slightly less challenging than I originally thought.

Grrrrl…….  

I mean, it’ll be a challenge for the rest of the team, but they get the benefit of people that not only have done stepping before, but are actually CHAMPIONS at it.

I really do love this crew. Was it a phenomenal performance? No. They definitely had some issues, and the whole mountain/wolf stunt took way too long to set up without a lot of payoff. But they sold it, and I bought it.

Lil MeeMaw is first this time and she’s all about the girl power, telling Raqi that she’s bringing the extra sexy in the building with that ponytail. What does that have to do with the dance?

Huh? I turned my hearing aid off. 

She also thinks Raqi is powerfool.; she deserves a solo because she is strong. She appreciates this group because they appreciate art.

 

Fabulous! 

She likes how they mixed up the stepping and cranking and made it their own. I will give her that one. She loved the whole mountain thing and thinks it’s awesome that Raqi just came out of a stunt and went right into standing there and it show true teamwork.

Raqi, Raqi, Raqi, Raqi. Oh, wait. I forgot to mention Raqi. 

Omoron wants to rock with Raqi.

Blarf. 

His commentary is all about that she was sexy even though she is tough. Have I mentioned lately that I absolutely HATE him as a judge?

JC, please say something coherent! He thinks it was an okay performance overall. He calls out one of the guys for their timing, and says that although he loved the stepping, he thinks that some of them were a little apprehensive when they were smacking their bodies. He tells them don’t just do it for show, make that stuff count.

Thank you for being you 

Over to you Mario! “Jungle Boogie is safe from elimination, but if you want ‘em to swing closer to the title, you gotta vote for ‘em!” OY.

 

After an incredibly lame preview for MTV’s new shitty dance movie, we’re back, and the six remaining crews are out on stage with Mario, waiting to find out the next two that will be safe this week. And the next two crews who are safe and definitely moving on to next week’s show are……………………

Goody! 

Because America loves crackers. 

Static Noyze is up next with “New In Town” by Little Boots. Who? Huh? What?  I have never heard of this Little Boots. 

Their signature dance sequence is this video involves shopping carts. Wait, what? Are you fucking around here?!? They have to incorporate shopping carts into their routine. Guess they pissed someone off, huh?

Shopping cart wackiness ensues. Anything to add, Mario? “Can they use carts in their choreo to roll ahead in the game?”

Someone please save me from this awful writing. 

I love how they used that cart in the beginning, it was really clever. Other than that though, I don’t really think they used the carts as well as they could have. I dunno. I like this group (except for that blonde kid. He annoys the fuck out of me), but I think they need to step it up. There wasn’t really anything that difficult here.

Omoron thinks they looked like they had fun. He liked the cart flip, but he would have liked to have seen them use the carts more creatively.

Did you and I just say the same thing? I need a drink. 

JC says the carts look like they were pimped out on Pimp My Cart. He says that so far they made him feel like he was watching the video the most.

He tells one of the girls she was kind of in and out in her face, and she really needs to stay in it. Have some fun out there.

I’m gonna shove my foot up your ass. Sound like fun? 

Lil MeeMaw thinks that was a perfect example of taking your challenge to the next level. She thinks the middle cart was very, uh, brilliant. 

She also respects that they are very in unison with each other.

Because the voices in her head are never in unison. 

Next up, Saltines. Mario tells us they’ve avoided the ropes so far, but let’s see how they plan to jump in the music videos without missing a step. I really can’t believe someone gets paid to write this shit.

The Saltines’ assigned music video is “Shake It” by Metro Station. They tell us that the video is all over the place. There’s some breakdancing, some group choreography, and a front handspring over the back that they really seem to like.

They also tell us that they really have two challenges. First, they have to learn the stuff from the video. Then they have to incorporate their jump roping.

Good thing you’ve got that coincidentally placed sports drink to help you keep your energy up! 

They’re ready to come out and show up something completely different. While jumping rope. 

Wow. That was a colossal fuck up. I feel sort of bad. Then I think maybe this will put them in the bottom next week and get their asses out of here and I start to feel better about the whole thing.

JC tells them that this is the risk you run when you have a prop. He says they know they had a car crash near the beginning of the routine, but what he applauds them for is pushing through and continuing on and making the best of the performance.

Please don’t ever leave us 

He thinks the middle did get good, and he thinks the back tuck and front handspring were both really good. Unfortunately they just had a tough time in those ropes. “It is what it is.”

Omoron is surprised because he respects their timing so much. He’s gonna take it for what it is and tells them not to let it happen again.

USELESS 

Lil MeeMaw notices how they always try to use different elements (of jump roping) and get different pictures (from their camera?) because it is very difficult when you have a prop. No one uses ropes in this video and yet they had to incorporate the ropes.

AHHHHHRG!!! 

Seriously? She’s giving them a pass because the video doesn’t use ropes?!?!? They CHOSE to come on here and be a fucking jump roping crew. So what their video didn’t have jump ropes and they had to incorporate them anyway?

SHUT UP. 

Time to find out the fate of two more crews. We’re down to four crews, and of course this has to be prolonged for as long as possible, so the results for the next two crews will be one safe, one in the bottom. Ready?

Heavy Impact and Royal Flush, one of you is safe, one of you is headed for the battlefield. Oh poop. They were actually my pick for bottom two, so it looks like I’m only going to be half right. And the next crew moving on is…………

America Loves Fatties 

Alright, now we’re down to Blueprint Cru and Hype 5-0. I actually like both of these crews, but can also think of reasons for them both to end up in the bottom. 

The final crew safe for this evening is…………

I’m happy for them, but I’m disappointed that Blueprint Cru has landed in the bottom. I guess Americans don’t like foreigners. Except for the ones that live here. Oh. Wait. Never mind.

The next crew to perform is going to be Heavy Impact dancing to “what You Got” by Colby O’Donis. Another person I have never heard of. The signature dance sequence for this video involves popping. Yes, you heard me. Just popping.

They tell us that the popping in the video is very different than what they do because it’s very staccato. Very hard hitting. Their style is more of grooving, so this is going to be a HUGE challenge. Probably much harder than incorporating shopping carts into a routine.

They tell us popping is harder to read on bigger people like them because there is a lot more body to move. So back away from the buffet table.

This is another group that I don’t really like. That one guy’s faces – PLEASE STOP. I really can’t even concentrate on anything else; he is SO distracting. Get your fucking tongue back in your fucking mouth. PLEASE!!!!!!! 

I’m not super impressed by their popping, or their dancing for that matter. I’ve seen heavy people that could fucking dance their asses off, and these guys are not among them. 

Omoron. “Ai, Heavy Impact. Ai.”

Oy. Stupid idiot. Oy. 

Can I just fast forward over his comments for the rest of the season? Would any of you care? His stupidity makes my head hurt.

Lil MeeMaw thinks they definitely stepped it up from last week. She thinks this wasn’t really a challenge for them; they dominate from beginning to end. 

She tells them when they’re practicing they should look at who’s going the hardest and all of them go as hard as that person.

Heh, heh. She said hard. 

JC thinks the mood of the video was there. He thinks the opening was energetic, but he kind of agrees with Omoron; he didn’t love the popping section that much. He did like the little bit of locking they threw in there though.

He thinks the dancer face is hilarious. He says half of their choreography is in their faces. 

Don’t compliment them on their faces!!!! 

Mario tells us that if we want to lift Heavy Impact closer to the title, we’re going to have to vote. Sorry, Mario. I’m too afraid I’ll get a hernia.

Up next is Hype 5-0 with “3″ by Britney Spears. Their section to emulate is going to be the part with the pole dancing. They’ve never used a pole before.

I have, but my dad’s watching so I’ll just keep my mouth shut! 

They tell us that it’s going to be a challenge. They’re hoping to really channel their inner Britney and bring the sexiness. They are going to eat, sleep and think Britney. So basically just sleep a lot?

Okay. A couple of things before I even talk about the dancing. Patterned tights make girls’ thighs look chunky. Only super super skinny girls should ever attempt to wear them. Also? That girl on girl kiss at the end was so fucking lame and half-assed. Either REALLY do it, or don’t. It would have been so much better if they ended in their threesome poses before that.

I did like how they started with the two girls up on the scaffolding. JC probably creamed himself because they’re using the stage, and we all know that gives him a boner. And using the one guy as their pole was actually pretty clever. Extra points for creativity!

Lil MeeMaw loves how they started because back in her day it was all about the hair and the drama, and the ladies definitely gave that. She talks about the flip they did to get out of the whole split/pole thing, but I don’t understand because it looked to me like they fucked that up.

 

I need my bifocals. 

JC likes the use of the stage. DUR. 

 

It was SO good. Work that stage. 

He tells them to make sure if they’re going for levels to really go for it; if you’re going to squat low, get low, don’t just kind of move down three inches.

 

That’s what he said. 

He thinks the split illusion was very creative, but disagrees with Lil MeeMaw about the dismount. He thought it was a little bit sloppy. A little bit wonky. And the crowd boos him again. Obviously they’re all related to Omoron. He did love the ending threesome pose – he says it was nasty, and he liked it!

Omoron is going to have to disagree with JC, if you know what he’s saying. He thought it was sexy. He thought it was going to be difficult for the fellas to be sexy, but he felt like he was at a Britney concert. I’m not even going to go there.

Guess which part was his favorite?

 

DUH 

He thinks it was very sexy. We’ve already established that I think he’s very stupid.

Battle time! Mario reminds us that Royal Flush them down the toilet and Blueprint Cru received the fewest votes. They now have to fight for their lives. Only one will survive.

They flipped a coin during the break, and Royal Flush them down the toilet will be going first. Their video is “Evacuate The Dance Floor” by Cascada. The signature dance sequence is a swipe section, which they tell us will be difficult because they are not all breakers.

Leiomy Lite tells us that it’s not a natural movement, and she doesn’t have a lot of upper body strength, so it’s like super duper hard for her.

 

Wah, wah, it’s so hard to be a girl. 

They think it’s going to be difficult for everyone to hit it at the same time. I’m thinking that’s why it’s called a challenge.

What can I say? I just really don’t like this group. I didn’t think they should have advanced past the audition round, and I’m more than ready to see them flushed for real.

 

Am I supposed to know who this is?? And NO, I am NOT googling him. 

Since we are in battle mode, the judges won’t speak until after both crews have danced. Time for Blueprint Cru. Their video is “I Get It In” by none other than Omoron himself. They tell us the choreography is something different than they way they’re used to moving. 

The signature dance sequence is a headstand, which Thien tells us is going to be really difficult. Come on now! It’s not that fucking hard to do a headstand! Apparently only Nick, their resident b-boy, can do one.

I like this crew, sorry CRU, a lot. I love that they have a backup plan (or just winged it really well) for the possibility of falling out of the headstand. I think the thing that really sucks is that the main reason they’re in the bottom is because they’re not from America. I personally think they’re one of the better crews this season, but they’ll go way before they should. We all know why.

Mario brings Royal Flush back out and ask Lil MeeMaw to talk about Royal Flush. She thinks they had a good performance. “Y’all was tight, y’all was clean from beginning to end.” She had a great time watching them.

Omoron thinks it shows real commitment that the guy “playing” him cut his hair to match Omoron’s.

 

If he had shaved those lines in his brows he’d have to BE committed. 

He says he saw that two of them fell out of the headstand, but he’s going to let them slide because that’s a really difficult move. Really? Am I missing something about the difficulty of a headstand? 

JC gets to talk about both crews because he is the only one worth listening to. He thinks Royal Flush had a hot open, but the middle died again. At first he was annoyed that they threw another card trick in there, but then they did the one with all the cards coming out of the guy’s mouth and he liked that. I don’t even know what to say. He loves the conviction in the performance.

As for Blueprint Cru, he says this is the third time he’s seen them perform, and every single time they are always so precise and so tight. He loved the part when Nick slid across the floor, saying it was like the floor was moving beneath him. It was dope. Yeah, I agree.

He says two really great performances by two really strong crews. He thinks that these two crews are the ones that are under appreciated. Well, he’s half right.

It’s now time for the judges to deliberate.

The decision has been made. The crew.  That still has a chance. Of becoming America’s Best Dance Crew is……………………………. longpausewhilewescanovereachandeveryperson’sface……………… 

So that means Royal Flush is, well, you know.

And so their banner must fall.

 

Buh Bye. 

There you go, Gasmi. Where you happy with this elimination? Did you think that Heavy Impact should have been in the bottom instead of Blueprint? Who are your picks for bottom two next week? I’m going with Saltines and Heavy Impact. I will probably be wrong.

Next week, Lady GagMe. Crap. I may claw my own face off before that hour is up! See you there!

SWAK, PottyMouth