America’s Best Dance Crew: You Should Be Dancin’, SALTINES!

On tonight’s America’s Best Dance Crew, we get some awesome dancing, cool lifting, and fire.

 

To distract us from the fact that THEY NEVER FUCKING DANCE!!!!!!!!!! 

I mean, Shit! It’s not a fucking pep rally! I know, I know, I’m like a broken record. I just can’t help myself. At least you always know what you can expect, right?

Mario’s on stage with the seven remaining crews, six of which are waiting to find out whether or not they’ve made it through to the top five. 

He reminds us that last week we found out that the voting may have been compromised, so it was thrown out and no one was sent home. Instead one crew was given immunity,

 

I found it first! 

and tonight, two crews will be sent packing. Tonight’s theme is disco. Mario tells us that the dance crazes of the seventies were more than just fads; they laid the foundation for hip hop. Tonight each crew will have to incorporate disco moves into their routines.

Layla tells them that each crew will be given a video master mix of classic seventies dance moves. 

 

Can you dig it? 

Besides having to incorporate a disco move, the crews will also have to add a lift into their routine. That should make life interesting for a few of them. Blueprint Cru will be going first and they have to incorporate a move called the funky guitar.

 

LOL 

Thien tells us they are used to more precise movements while the funky guitar is more groovy. They’re also worried about the lift. They want to show everyone why they got immunity and that they deserve it.

Oh. My. God. Mario does a little bitty version of the funky guitar during his intro that cracks me up so much I have to go back and watch it again. Wanna see?

What a goofball. 

And now on to Blueprint Cru dancing to “Le Freak (C’est Chic)”. 

Holy Crap do I love this crew. And honestly, I don’t even think they should be on here, given the fact that they are not from America. But I can’t help routing for them. I was hoping they’d be able to maintain last week’s momentum, and for me, they did. This wasn’t as mind blowing as last week, but I still really liked it. A lot.

JC says he’s still taking it all in. They just saw so many styles. He thinks they had fun with the seventies vibe. He was worried that the funky guitar was going to be super corny, but he thinks they touched on it just enough. He also points out that they had two lifts, and loved the handstand. He thinks it was a fun number. Good job. 

Omoron thinks they embraced the task at hand. He liked the afro gag. 

 

He makes me gag. 

He shows a slo mo of the helicopter lift with the merry go round lift going on center stage. He thinks they did a great job.

Lil Mama is all decked out and afrotastic looking this evening.

 

With some Groovy Boobies (although you can’t really tell here) 

One of her favorite parts of their performance was the soul explode. Ewww, Lil Mama, keep your personal life off the show. She thinks their lifts were clean and creative. It was on point.

Time to find out some results. Saltines and Static Noyze. One crew will be safe, the other will be fighting for their lives in the competition.

I’m hoping that the Saltines will be in the bottom this week; I really liked what Static Noyze did for their GagMe challenge. 

 

Why, America? WHY???? 

I really don’t get it. Hey! I have an idea. Maybe next season a hopscotch crew can audition. Or maybe some baton twirlers. Blech. I’m so irritated that they keep getting votes.

Mario wants to see how these ropers jump back to the disco era. Gawd. Their disco move is the hustle. They tell us that disco is not very bouncy so taking a step that’s not meant to be in jump ropes is going to be difficult. I’m just gonna bite my tongue.

Also difficult for them is the lift. Yeah, we already know that from the last time they tried to do a lift and they FAILED. Tyler tells us that if this routine is bad, they’re going home. Yeah, right. I’m hoping, but they’ve been bad before and somehow made it through.

They’re performing to “Disco Inferno”.

Awful again. I don’t even know where to start. The lift that wasn’t? The fact that they don’t fucking dance? How about the fact that they used flaming jump ropes as a way to distract everyone from the fact that they didn’t dance? I cannot say it enough. I Hate The Saltines. They make me nauseous which is actually the opposite of what they should be doing.

When they try to dance they remind me of kindergartners dancing. It really is so bad, it enrages me that they are on a DANCE SHOW. Even the fire part was stupid. Hate. Hate. Hate. 

Mario tells them that was hot.

 

Just shut up and look pretty, mmkay? 

Lil Mama says they definitely set the stage on fire. She thinks their performance is like watching the circus. They’re always going to be excited and awed by their performance. But what she’s noticing is that it’s only like an eight count of dance.

You’re JUST NOW noticing that? 

She wants to see them dance. Don’t hold your breath, Lil Mama. You’ll die waiting for that to happen. Other than that, awesome performance.

JC liked the performance a lot.

Are you not feeling well or something? 

He says it got a little wonky in the middle because they tried to do two lifts in it. He thought the mule kicks in the fire were cool. Oh JC, you were seduced by the fire, weren’t you?

Can’t resist the power of the flame 

Omoron thinks they are a great group. He says there were a lot of great moments in there. But he’s thinking to himself if they mess up the fire, then someone’s ass is going to be on fire.

Thanks for that deduction, Dr. Watson 

He says the timing is really, really important to what they do and no matter what is going on with them, they need to be in sync. Get it? Get it? NSYNC??? 

Time for more results. The next crew definitely moving on to next week’s show is…….

Eh. 

Jungle Boogie, Hype 5-0, and Heavy Impact are left. Only one crew got enough votes to move forward; the other two will battle it out with Static Noyze and hope their performance can save them from elimination. The next crew moving forward is…….

Oh. I was hoping it would be Jungle Boogie, even though they fucked up last week, they’re still one of my favorites. Well, hopefully they can beat out Heavy Impact and Static Noyze in the elimination round.

Before we get to that, we’ve got two more crews to see. Up next is Poreotix. What do you wanna bet they get the fucking robot?

I fucking KNEW it!!! 

That’s such bullshit. Their whole “thing” is the robot. So they tell us that the Michael Jackson version is faster. Whatever. Shut up. The thing really giving them a hard time is the lift.

Because touching other guys is yucky. 

How old are they? Ten? Ohmygod, I bet they go totally gay now that they’ve had to touch another guy! No one’s safe!!!!! They spend most of the time just dropping each other because they’re too scared of touching. What a bunch of weenies.

I am not a fan of these guys, but I have to say this is their best performance so far. They actually did more than their ticing this time around, and proved that they can dance. I still think they’re annoying as fuck, but I like that they showed some dance moves this week.

Omoron was thinking to himself that they’re lucky because they got to do Michael Jackson. He thought this was an interesting challenge for them too because it was a different dime stop. They’re usually slower.

Which he can totally relate to 

But Michael is faster, and they rose to the occasion. He thinks this showed a different side to them, and that they really used the stage more. That’s what he likes to see.

Lil Mama says they definitely stepped it up. Tonight they came out and actually busted out some sweat. LOL! She likes that they showed that they’re versatayle. She appreciates all of it.

JC says that for the last three weeks they have been losing him every week until this performance. This performance they finally got him back. He says everything has been predictable with them. And the crowd boos. I LOVE that he could give two craps when he gets booed.

Bitches, please. 

He says that when they did the robot today, they did a little sexy bot, and he really liked that.

Someone needs to get laid. Yikes! 

Time for Hype 5-0. Their seventies dance move is the electric slide. BO-ring! Casey thinks the lift is scary because the boys are flipping them onto their shoulders and she doesn’t know if she trusts them that much. One of the guys ends up with a bloody nose during rehearsals. Dancing is dangerous y’all.

They definitely had the cheesetastic flavor of the seventies in that routine. I didn’t see the electric slide in it, though. I mean, I’ve watched it five or six times and still didn’t see it. Am I missing something? Aside from that, I thought it was a fun number; they did a good job here.

JC says he felt for them because the electric slide is like the wedding party dance. He thinks they had fun trying to make it a little hip hop. He says the lifts were fun, and the hand hops were dope, but the prep for it, not so dope.  They kind of just stood there waiting to go into it, and that’s something he doesn’t want to see. 

He also thinks they should work on moving people around a little bit; Jonathan was in the middle for too long.

Someone doesn’t look too happy being called a stage hog. 

Omoron feels like they came out strong. There were so many different visuals they were giving him.

Too bad this wasn’t one of them 

He thinks they did a good job just creating a lot of different elements. He thinks disco is a tough challenge; he can’t imagine putting on that outfit.

I can’t imagine having that face 

Lil Mama says that their performance really took off for her when Jonathan came up the middle wacking and then hitting a shabam. She thinks it was then that they really starting getting funky. She’d like them to work the performance so that the whole thing feels that way.

Now we’re down to the final three crews. They will perform one after another and then the judges will pick only one crew to continue on in the competition. The other two will be kicked out on their asses. 

They drew numbers, and Heavy Impact is up first. Their dance move to incorporate is the strut. Which always remind me of the stroll, but with more attitude. They are really concerned about the lift. Yeah, that’s not surprising at all.

They’re dancing to “You Should Be Dancing”. That should have been Saltines song, doncha think?

Meh. That was really sloppy. I do like that they did death drops, especially considering their weight issue couldn’t have made those easy. Unless the other two crews both completely bite it, I think the big boys are going home.

Next up are Static Noyze who get Saturday Night Fever arms as their seventies dance move. What? Did the producers run out of dance choices, so they just said, hey, John Travolta arms! That’ll work!

They tell us that disco dancing is all about the fun and the groove, but they’re not having much fun as Enrique’s back is still bothering him. In fact, it hurts so much he’s decided to go back to the doctor. 

I don’t know why the doctor’s touching his ass when it’s his back that hurts. Perv. 

Because of the injury, Enrique will not be performing tonight. I wonder how early they made that call. It’s going to be tough, but depending on how close to performance he decided not to dance, that could really fuck them up, having to reblock sections or completely change choreography.

I like this crew because I like how they bring a lyrical side to their dancing and still hit it hard in spots. That being said, I thought they were sloppy tonight as well. The lifts were good, but the transition in and out of them wasn’t so good. And the last lift with Peter at the end looked like they fucked it up. This wasn’t as good as they needed to be.

The last crew to perform this evening is Jungle Boogie, and their dance move is the bump. I love the bump. I don’t know why, it’s so stupid and simple, but so fun. They talk about how everyone is happy in the video clip they’re given, and how they’re hard hitting and aggressive. They need to find a way to bring that seventies feel to their dance.

Raqi says the bump is really simple and it’s going to be hard to put their Jungle Boogie stank on it. Um, please keep your stank to yourselves. Thanks.

They practice the lift and it looks like they’re going for the Dirty Dancing lift. 

Don’t you know you’re supposed to be practicing in a lake?!?? 

See????  

Raqi tells us the lift is really inconsistent, sometimes they get it, sometimes they don’t. Right.  That’s what inconsistent means. Thanks Raqi. BeeJay says the worst thing that could happen this week is them not hitting the lift, especially after they fucked up on the chairs last week. 

LOVE THIS!!!!! This is my favorite performance of the night! They killed it. I loved the feel that they had; they were campy and fun. The dancing was great. I loved every second of it and didn’t want it to end. If they are not safe tonight I will have to go to L.A. and beat the crap out of someone. Preferably someone whose name starts with O and ends with moron.

The other two crews in the bottom three come out on stage so that the judges can give their takes on the performances. Omoron is going to talk about Heavy Impact.

He really wants them to understand the statement they just made. People see their size and typecast them. He thinks people sit at home saying “Okay, what does he do? Eat? They always got funny jokes.”

Your brain is a joke 

He thinks they came out tonight and just danced. He really liked the krumping part. He hasn’t seen anyone be that aggressive in lime green and pork chops. They’re called mutton chops, you idiot. Whatever happens tonight, he wants them to know they represented for their class.

Lil Mama says that Static Noyze made a stunning first impression on her when she first saw them in Boston. She says they are so dedicated to what they do and mentions that they are all A students. Um, good for them? She thinks they put their heart into what they do, and they do it well. She respects that.

She then loses me when she says they cling to each other, but sometimes in clinging to each other they have to let that go like they did this week.

They’re called Static Noyze, not Static Kling! 

Basically she’s trying to say something about them overcoming one of their dancer’s injury, but it comes out in Lil Mama talk and therefore makes little sense.

She goes into a slo mo of the lift, saying it was elegant and graceful. Suzette got up there and held her legs apart, so classy. Yes, Lil Mama, that is always what I think when someone is holding their legs spread wide. Classy.

And when I see you, I always think, so smart. 

She thinks they had a great performance.

JC is going to talk about Jungle Boogie. He says this was such a fun number, from the opening on through to the end. He felt like he was watching the opening to Good Times.

He thinks it was so playful and fun, it was just so much character and so much spirit. He really enjoyed watching this. He loves how they incorporated different styles and made it all look so easy. He was a little worried about the lift; from the pre-performance package it looked like it was going to be corny Dirty Dancing, but then they switched it up. 

He says they really made it positive and fun and he’s enjoyed them through the whole season.

Now it’s time for the judges to deliberate.

Back from the break we’re ready to find out who will be moving on to next week, and which two crews will be sent home. The crew. That will carry on. And still has a chance to become America’s Best Dance Crew is…………………………

HOORAY!!!!!!!! 

And so Heavy Impact and Static Noyze are sent on their way, and it sucks that they have to share the stage in their final moments there.

As they all head out, one of the fat boys gets the door closed on him. LOLOLOLOL! I think he just turned around and called someone a bitch!

Hahahahahahahaha!  

There you go, Gasmi. Static Noyze and Heavy Impact are out. I’m happy that Jungle Boogie got saved, but I would have rather seen Saltines go than Static Noyze. Who were your favorites this week? Does anyone in the world hate Saltines as much as I do? 

Next week it’s Usher, and Mario tells us he’s going to be making a special appearance. I wonder if he’s making an appearance like Missy Elliot or a videotaped appearance like Beyawnce. Either way, you know that I’ll be there. 

See ya soon!

SWAK, PottyMouth