America’s Best Dance Crew: PLEH.

I have started, deleted, restarted, deleted and restarted writing this recap about eight or nine times at this point. I think the problem that I’m having is that this season hasn’t really excited me. At this point, I’m usually a raving lunatic about the crew I like or don’t like, even outraged over a crew’s elimination (Fanny Pak). And while I have my favorite to win this season, I just don’t care the way I have in seasons past. And that makes me sad.

Is it wrong that I was hoping the doors would close on him? 

Not to be mean, but I was totally cracking up thinking about Mario getting stuck in those doors with his arms and legs flailing all over the place. Come on, you know that would be hilarious!

Mario tells us they received over fifteen million votes, making this the closest race in ABDC history. I always find those claims so hard to believe. I mean, it’s not like they’re ever going to tell us if they had the worst turnout in voting history, right?

And then each of this season’s crews comes out to the stage one by one to remind us that they still exist.

Still disappointed in you guys. 

We get to see each crew bust a little move until we reach the top two, Poreotix and Blueprint Cru. Mario tells us that this season’s crews have endured unprecedented challenges. Huh? Unprecedented? Does he really think we don’t remember other seasons once they’re over?

“Only two crews had the passion and perseverance  to rise above and stand on the edge of immortality.” LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!! I think the writers must have taken a field trip to see Clash of the Titans or something! LMFAO! 

 

Release the Jackson! 

Before we get to any results we have about another 52 minutes to waste! Yipee! At least this show actually uses dancing as some of it’s filler. First up, reunion dances. The crews from each of the three regions will come together to perform a routine. 

We’re starting with the West and I get really excited for a minute because it looks like my prayers have been answered and they’ve replaced Omoron!

 

Urkel called and said he had some free time. 

Oh, wait. It’s just Omoron dressed up as Urkel. Halloween is long gone dipshit!

It looks like each of the judges will be talking about whichever region they’re assigned to. Omoron tells us he’s from the West, and he thought that the West coast crews had the most competitive edge. He goes on about each of the crews, but honestly, his commentary is so stupid I can’t listen to it again.

 

If you sit quietly and listen, you can hear the wind blowing between his ears. 

The crews get together for rehearsal. There is dancing, there is drinking of Gatorade, and then it is time for the West Coast Dance.

I wish I had been in the audience to see this dance; I bet it was great. You definitely lose something watching numbers like these on TV. That said, I think they did a really good job with this routine. My favorite part was when they were all doing the hand tutting at the same time. That was nice. 

The judges aren’t going to comment on any of these dances (THANK YOU JESUS), so we’re going to move along to the next group which will be the East Coast. With intro by Lil Mama.

She tells us season five was phenomenal. You know, every time she says that I think of the Mahna Mana song by the muppets. Anyone else?

 

Phenomenal (do do dododo). Phenomenal (do do do do). Phenomenal. (do do dododo dododo dododo dodo dodo do do do). 

How about now? Oh well, I guess it’s just me then. Anyway, she thinks the East coast crews brought us new styles (some of which weren’t even dancing!). She says Static Noyze brought us theater (and boys in drag), while Blueprint Cru is a very intricate crew, and the Saltines went back to recess. She is so excited to see these crews jumping rope. Yeah. Me too. Y’all know how I LOVES me the jump roping!

Meh. The jump roping got in the way of that performance. I’d be annoyed if I were Static Noyze and Blueprint because they weren’t able to just concentrate on dancing; they had to incorporate jump ropes into their routine. And it suffered for it.

Before we move on to the last of the regional dances, the top two crews are backstage with Layla. Oh Lord. She asks Poreotix what winning the competition would mean to them. A dream come true. One interesting thing they do mention is that they’ve been auditioning since season three. Can you even imagine them up against Quest Crew? Ha!

Layla then turns her attention to Blueprint Cru. She points out that they were in the bottom for three weeks in a row until America finally put them in the top last week. How do they think they were able to push their way to the top? 

 

We just assumed that all the tweens of America were being punished at the same time or something. 

The last region to dance will be the South with JC giving us their intro.

 

So dapper! 

He’s always the most dressed up for the finale. He thinks season five is the most balanced season that we’ve had. Uh, if by balanced you mean blah, then you are exactly right. I mean, I don’t disagree with him; the crews were more equal than any other season, but I don’t think that’s been a great thing. For me, there wasn’t any crew that I loved passionately as in seasons past. Having a Jabba, Fanny Pak or Quest makes the season more exciting.

He’s excited about the Southern performance and says the South was really really good this year. Sure, JC. That’s why the first two crews eliminated were both from the South, right?

 

Just let me say my lines so we can get out of here, mmmkay? 

He says all three of the Southern crews have that Southern spark, that flavor, that bounce, that energy. He thinks the South might leave a hole in the floor. Hopefully Omoron will fall through that hole.

Once again, JC was right. It’s sort of sad that the best group performance of the evening didn’t have either of the top two in it, isn’t it? I thought they kicked ass on this routine. I loved it.

Mario tells us our votes have crowned the champs, but it’s not over yet. Next week ABDC is going to celebrate five seasons of champions. The champs of all five seasons will return to rick the stage for their favorite charity. YAY!!!!! Jabba & Quest!!!! WAH! Super Crew. And TBD. I’m excited about Quest and Jabba. Woo hoo!!!!

When we return from a quick break, the final two crews are on stage with Mario. 

 

We’re Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band; We hope you have enjoyed the show. 

Are you ready for some filler? Too bad. If I have to sit through filler, you have to sit through filler! Mario, take it away! “Poreotix, the West has dominated ABDC, and you guys showed up ready to carry on that legacy with a completely fresh style.” I hate to break this to you Mario, but the robot has been around for a long LONG time. And then Mario wants us to take a look at their journey on the show. If you feel the need to do that by all means, go back and read the recaps again. I’ll wait
here for you.

Ready?

Okay. Mario, back to you. “Blueprint Cru. As our first Canadian contenders, you’ve had to fight every step of the way to rep your country. Your resilience in battle led to astonishing performances that won over America and now you are finally closing in on your dream.” And then we go to their journey journal. No worries. I can wait again.

All caught up and ready to go?

Alrighty. It’s now time for the final two routine. This year the final two crews will be performing along with a drumline. That is so fucking cool. Love it!

I absolutely love a drumline. It’s so funny, every time that movie comes on, I have to watch it, and it’s not because of the acting (Hello? Nick Cannon?) I just think the drumming is so fucking cool. I love the idea of choreographing a routine to it, but I have to tell you, I kept imagining how awesome it would have been to have Jungle Boogie in this number. Especially given the fact that the twins are steppers. Imagine that for a moment, and then shed a little tear that they were cut too soon.

That said, it was still a fun routine. Mario wants to go over to the judges now for some final thoughts and memorable moments. JC is up first to talk about Blueprint Cru. He says they came in as the outsiders, after all it is AMERICA’S Best Dance Crew. He applauds how they’ve come together as a team, and says that this togetherness is what being America’s Best Dance Crew is all about.

 

No matter what the voters say! 

He tells them they have done Canada proud, they have done themselves proud, they’ve done ABDC proud, and him, their fans, their family, everyone….best of luck to you.

Now we go over to Omoron to talk about Poreotix. 

 

“POREOTIX!!!!!!!!” 

What a dumbass he is. He then spends a few minutes talking about himself; being a new judge on ABDC, and how tough a judge he has been all season.

 

If by tough you mean impossible to tolerate, then yes, yes you have. 

He was tough because he wanted them to seek greatness and test every move. The creativeness and everything they have done, he just wants to say….their family is proud of them, he is proud of them, and whatever happens tonight, well done.

Now Lil Mama gets to talk about both crews. How’d that happen? 

First she wants to thank JC and Omoron for touching bases on that she definitely wanted to cover. 

 

During the break from the show, please make sure you touch bases on someone that can learn you how to speak better. That would be phenomenal. 

Why is her boob trying to escape from her dress? Maybe it doesn’t understand what she’s saying and is trying to touch bases on her. 

She says when she first saw Blueprint Cru, they brightened up her day. She thinks throughout the competition they have definitely carried out their faif, their inspiration, and their determination to be here. And that’s true inspiration for anybody.

She tells Poreotix that they are the cool all boy crew that has definitely grown on this show. They represent what the youf is all about because they are open hearted and they grew on the show. 

 

Does anyone have their Lil Mama to English dictionary handy??? 

She thinks they’re edgy and full of fun. She’s happy they’re both here and with the votes being so close, that shows why they’re here.

After a quick break, we are finally ready to find out who will be this season’s winner.

Mario stalls with one of his inane wordy speeches, and then we have ABDC’s patented loooooonnnnngggggggg pan over each and every single person’s face………and the winner is…….

 

Bleh. 

I was really hoping that Blueprint Cru would pull it out. Ah well, it’s not like we all didn’t see this coming. Mario asks Poreotix how it feels to be named America’s Best Dance Crew. 

 

“Wow” 

Sounds like he’s been taking elocution lessons from Omoron. They thank their fans saying they wouldn’t be here without them. No shit, Sherlock.

Now over to Blueprint Cru, Mario tells them to hold their heads high because they were amazing. Any last thoughts to share with your fans? TL starts out by saying congratulations to Poreotix, and then thanks everyone involved with the show, as well as their fans saying they make it all worthwhile for them.

 

Love her! 

And now, Blueprint banner must fall.

And so the time has come for Randy to haul his fatass back on stage one last time this season to present Poreotix with their trophy.

 

Yo, check it out.

Of course Randy thinks Poretix is hilarious; he’s not exactly known for his maturity, is he? Time to release the championship banner!

And now, as is tradition, Poreotix gets to perform their victory dance.

And FINALLY, this season is over. Can’t say I’m sad to see it end. What did you think, Gasmi? Are you happy that Poreotix won, or were you hoping for a Blueprint upset? I think Super Crew might be really happy about this since they are now no longer the least impressive champions this show has ever seen. I’m really hoping they can get some kickass crews for next year. And Randy? Either get Shane back or get a choreographer at that judges’ table! Omoron sucks my left tit.

Will you all be watching the Champion reunion? You know I will! Hope to see you there!

SWAK, PottyMouth