America’s Best Dance Crew: The BeYAWNce Challenge

This week’s America’s Best Dance Crew is all about Beyonce. Well, not Beyonce the person, Beyonce’s songs. Each crew will have a master mix of one of her songs with an added challenge element ranging from a real challenge such as dancing with a hula hoop or chain, to a piece o’cake “challenge” like popping the booty. But more on that later. Right now I have more pressing questions that I need answered like what the hell is going on with her eyebrows?

Malechi did them for me. 

Before we start with this week’s show, I have to give a special shout out to cbc-cca and jennaboa for giving me some answers about what the hell Afroborike means. Danke!!

Now if I could only make sense of this hair. 

We begin this week’s episode with Mario on stage flanked by all eight crews. Mario tells us we all voted last week (not me!) and he’s going to reveal the top crews going through to next week. The two crews with the fewest votes will go head to head and only one will make it out alive.

You heard me. We will be killing the losing crew. Join us for the after show barbeque! 

The first two crews definitely moving forward are…..We Are Heroes and Rhythm City! Yay! I actually liked these two last week. Does Mario’s constant littering of the stage annoy anyone else? Would it be too much to ask that he hold onto the results card and throw it in a trash can? 

Time for the Beyonce challenge. Mario tells us that this dynamic pop diva has conquered film, song and dance. What?!? How does appearing in an Austin Powers movie and being outsung in Dreamgirls equate to conquering film?? Does shaking your ass and waving your puss at everyone translate to conquering dance? The song part I’ll give to her. I hear she’s had some success when it comes to selling records. Oh, did I mention I’m not a fan?

Beyonce conquers the dance world!! 

Well, Beyonce is just soooooo awesome because she has taken time away from her world tour to visit (or “hit up”) ABDC and assign each crew their unique task. But she’s really not that awesome y’all because she isn’t there; she just recorded a message for them on the DVDs they get from Layla.

We Are Heroes is up first. Their song assignment is “Single Ladies”. Their unique challenge? Taking the portion known as the grind and adding strobe effects. Hopefully there are no epileptics watching. Can you imagine having to tell your doctor that the seizure was caused by a strobing puss?

First of all? I absolutely HATE their costumes. Pink and silver? Puke. Bedazzled panties? Really?? As far as the dancing goes, I liked the ending pose, and I thought they had some good ideas, but it felt a little frenetic to me. If you’re going to do popping and strobing you need the movements to be clean. They were not clean enough for me.

Lil Mama gives them a standing ovation because she is a moron. Shane thinks that the people that didn’t understand why he thinks this crew is hot will know now. Represent. He of course wants to go into a slo-mo of the three-vagina grind, and if you didn’t see that coming while these girls were dancing you need to go back and watch the previous three seasons. 

Lil Mama agrees with Shane. She thinks it’s incredible to see this whole idea just keep expanding. “Y’all kept y’all style and y’all went off.”

I think she’s been huffing some of the glue she used to attach those bangs. 

JC likes that they showed a lot of different styles in this one performance. But he’d like to see them use more of the stage. 

Up next is Rhythm City. Their Beyonce song is “Sweet Dreams” and their challenge is to update the Charleston. They are not happy about this at all. They really brought it last week, and they know they need to keep bringing it. But the Charleston is an old people dance so they’re not feeling it.  Wah wah.

This dance was full of really great ideas, but it wasn’t executed well. I loved the beginning with the faces pressing through like they were trying to get him. The one poor guy slipped, but I thought he handled it well, recovering nicely. But their challenge of updating the Charleston was completely missing for me. In fact, I didn’t see it at all until Lil Mama asked for a slo-mo of it. I’m left feeling disappointed by my favorite crew from last week.

Lil Mama liked how they started as well, and that they ended the same way. She thinks they could bring it a little harder, and make her excited and make her go off. JC would like them to respect their history. He didn’t like when they were complaining about getting the Charleston. 

Shane thinks that this was the most creative piece that he’s seen in a while. Yeah, I guess it has been a while since he’s seen Fanny Pak dance, huh? He says they came last week with some hot choreography, hot concepts, hot ideas; this week they came with creativity. He says it was hot.

 

He would know. 

It’s time to find out who the next two safe crews are. The other four may still be up for elimination. I’m on the edge of my seat. The next two safe crews are……..Massive Monkeys and Beat Ya Feet Kings. HUH?? How did Beat Ya Feet Kings squeak by? Bleh.

Let’s see how the Massive Monkeys deal with the challenge that has been given to them. Wanna know what it is? Well, their song is “Work It Out” and because Beyonce uses a hula hoop in the video their challenge is to dance with a hula hoop. What the hell? 

It could have been worse. They could have had to add glitter words to their asses while booty popping.  

They would not consider themselves to be master hula hoopers. Bryson tells us that they’ve perfected their tricks over ten years and they can hit them like that, easy, but you throw in the hula hoop and basically they’re fucked. Mario wants to know if they can twirl the hula hoops without spinning out of control. GROAN. 

So I actually thought they did a decent job considering the challenge they got. There was a section where the guys in the middle were doing threading that mirrored what the outside guys were doing with the hula hoops, and that part was really really cool. My major issue with this routine is that it seemed more like a serious of tricks than a full fledged routine. If that makes sense.   

Lil Mama starts randomly singing at the judges table before Mario even goes to them for commentary. What a loon. It’s not even her turn to speak first. It’s JC’s and he’s going right into a slo-mo because we have a slo-mo quota to hit and hit it they will. This slo-mo is of the two guys going through and over the hula hoops (pictured above) which JC thinks is bananas. Which is HILARIOUS when you think about the fact that they are called Massive Monkeys and he just said they were bananas!!!! Oh my gawd. I just can’t stop. Wanting to puke.

Shane adopts the geekiest voice he can to tell them he was like, “What is going on here?” It was so weak to him. He loved the threading part, that was dope. Next time he wants them to get rid of the hula hoops. Does he not realize that the hula hoops were not a choice? 

Lil Mama thinks this group is very entertaining and full of charisma. She was excited when they were performing. 

 

See how excited she is? 

Time for Beat Ya Feet Kings. Before we get to the challenge we first have to see that they were upset to have landed in the bottom three. DUH.

Next time try rehearsing 

Their song for this is “Crazy In Love” and their challenge is to do the uh oh dance, but get creative. What the hell does that mean? These are the stupidest challenges ever. Porche tells us that the uh oh dance is basically shaking your butt in a circular motion. Wow. That is so much harder than dancing with a hula hoop. I bet the Massive Monkeys are glad they didn’t get this one.

That sucked my ass. They are still sloppy as shit and there wasn’t anything hard about that routine at all. UGH. Porche looks so uncomfortable in those heels, and walking sassily is not dancing. This was annoying.

Shane is proud of Porche. Because she was so hard hitting last week he didn’t know if she’d be able to make the transformation this week. He thinks she did. And shows a slo-mo of her boobs bouncing around to prove that point. Yep, she’s a girl. Thanks, Shane. Represent.

JC thinks ya gotta get loose but you can’t get sloppy. He says it was an okay performance, and that Porche made a beautiful Beyonce. I disagree. I was gonna say something, but it was mean and you all know that I am never ever ever mean, so I’ll just let you imagine what my comment was going to be.

The guy on the left knows what I’m talking about. 

Lil Mama says that one of the toughest elements of performing is watching your breathing. And being able to bring that personality with your face to the performance. She thinks Porche’s personality was on point from beginning to end.  Beyonce. Beyonce. Beyonce.

Mental Problems. Mental Problems. Mental Problems. 

Time to reveal which of the fours remaining crews are safe this week and which will be facing the dreaded elimination round. I was going to be all dramatic and drawn out here to build up the tension, but do we really even care that much? Well, you might, but I sure as hell don’t. The two safe crews are Southern Movement and Vogue Evolution, leaving Afroborike and Artistry In Motion in the bottom two. Does anyone care? Anyone?

Of course we won’t see the bottom two crews yet. First we’ll get to see what Southern Movement and Vogue Evolution are bringing to the table this week. Up first is Southern Movement, dancing to “Jumpin Jumpin” with the challenge of bouncing, shaking, twisting and dipping. They think it’s going to be hard to put a country twist to what Beyonce does. Just add a “Yee Haw” every now and then. That should do it.

 

See? 

They totally almost dropped her after that basket toss. So this routine was okay. I’m not crazy about them, about their whole schtick, but they can dance and when they’re on, they’re pretty good. They’re not my favorites, not even close, but they did alright on this challenge. On a separate note, I hate the girl’s dominatrix cowgirl outfit. 

Need I say more? 

Lil Mama wants a slo-mo of the booty popping. You just know that Shane is so grateful for that. She likes how they kept the female feminine and that the guys got on all fours the floor for something fun. She thought it was okay but it could have been better. 

Shane says the funny thing is that they are sick and can dance their butts off. He thought the beginning was so sharp and tight. He’s waiting for them to mess up because he wants to bang on them, but he cain’t because they are just that good. He has respect for them and hopes that everyone watching will respect them too.

JC agrees with Shane, saying they came out really really clean and he appreciates them working on the levels. He specifically talks about the basket toss but never mentions that they almost dropped her on her ass. He doesn’t know that the difficulty level was there though. 

Time for Vogue Evolution. They will be dancing to “Deja Vu” while incorporating African dance movement into their routine. Oooo, I’m looking forward to seeing what they do with this. 

I love their energy and the fact that they really throw themselves into the performance. My biggest issue with this group is the same one I had with hem last week – I think they’re really sloppy. Is there anyone out there who’s a voguing expert? Is it supposed to be flailing and sloppy? I’m used to dancing that is more precise. Feet are pointed,  and when you’re dancing in a group you’re supposed to be together. I don’t want to be a bitch about the style if it’s supposed to look that way. Someone help me out here.

Oh Lil Mama. She is of course standing up and clapping and queening out.

Mario says that they make him smile but neglects to add his eyes are darting toward them in terror.

Eek! Please stop looking at me. You make me smile. Are you looking at my ass? 

JC says they just woke him up. There are so many things that he liked about this performance. Want to hear them? Me either. But I guess I can’t completely ignore him, can I? He liked that they used the whole stage, he liked their energy and that they connected to the audience. There’s more but I’m done with him.

Lil Mama says that when they came out there she was like, “There’s Beyonce.” She thinks it was refreshing. And it took a transgendered woman to bring out the feminine side of Beyonce. She loves that Leiomy was fearless in her hairswinging.

Which you can’t be when you’re wearing Lee Press-On Hair 

Shane says that ever since the show aired every day someone has been saying Leiomy’s name. “Because you’re like a god in New York or in the underworld; where ever you from.” He’s tripping because now he sees why. He thinks she ripped the stage tonight. The crew is hot but “they are very very lucky to have somebody like you to take it to that next level.” 

Bitch 

It’s battle time y’all. Only the bottom two crews are left. After both of their performances the judges will decide who is staying and who is going. Up first is Artistry In Motion. They will be dancing to “Diva” and because Beyonce plays with chains in the video, their challenge is to use a chain in their routine; specifically, they all have to be holding on to it at the same time.

Wow. That was really lame. I can appreciate that incorporating a chain into the routine would be difficult, but even giving them some leeway for that doesn’t take away the fact that they pretty much just walked around the stage with attitude. YAWN.

In this part of the show the judges don’t give their comments until after both crews dance, so we’re moving right along to Afroborike. Their song is “Beautiful Liar” with the added challenge of incorporating Shakira’s style of movement (aka belly dancing) into their routine. I bet that will be super duper hard for them.

 

Did you ever have that not so fresh feeling??  

They were much better than Artistry In Motion because they actually DANCED. I’m still not a huge fan of theirs, but based on this performance they definitely deserve to stay. The cartwheel lift was cool even though I’ve seen it before (SYTYCD), but the cunnilingus lift was crazy. I’m not sure whether to applaud them or call them skanky hos. How much you wanna bet that Shane wants a slo-mo of that?

Mario thinks they were muy caliente. He’s so bilingual. He calls Artistry In Motion back out to the stage so that the judges can let us know what they thought of each crew. For these comments the judges will not all talk about each crew. Two of them each talk about one crew, and then the last judge talks about both. Why? Because.

Lil Mama is up first and she will give her comments about Artistry In Motion. She feels that Artistry In Motion had they toughest challenge of the night. I disagree. I think the hula hoops were harder. She thought the chain was amazing but that it held them back from getting to their highest energy point. Not that they weren’t high energy, but when they dropped the chains it got even greater. 

Shane. What did you think about Afroborike? Three things. One: slo-mo

 

He is so predictable. 

What he likes about them is that they’re bringing something so different, so unique. He thinks they have the three hottest girls to ever touch this stage. Oooookay. If you say so Shane. Wait. What? He’s done? What were numbers two and three?!? Hello? Shane! UGH. He got distracted by his boner. Horndog.

JC tell us what you thought about each crew. He thinks this was a great battle between two really good crews. He likes the storyline of Artistry In Motion and thinks they used the prop well. But he reminds them that there’s only forty-five seconds for them to get their dance off. They did not accomplish that.

What he loves about Afroborike is that he sees chemistry with their group but also a dimension that we haven’t seen before and that’s a real sexuality on both sides of the spectrum. Yeah, you’re right JC. We have never before witnessed oral sex on this stage. It’s so awesome to have it included now.

Alright. The judges are going to put their heads together during the break and decide which crew is going to get the boot.

It is judgment time. Which crew will be a survivor and which crew’s destiny on the show ends right now? UGH. Really, Mario? Also, who pissed in Donyelle’s wheaties? What a fucking snotty ass face she has right now.

The crew. That still has a chance. To become America’s Best Dance Crew is………oh wait. First they have to pan the camera verrrrrrry sloooooowly over each and every person’s face……….I was going to include a video clip of it but it was too long. You’re welcome.

Anyway, the crew that gets to dance another day is…..Afroborike! So that means the fat lady has sung for Artistry In Motion. 

Mario thinks that all of them should be very proud. At least they didn’t get kicked off first! Do they have any last words they’d like to say?

Blah blah blah big girls can dance too. We are representing for women everywhere; except you skinny bitches, you can rot in hell. You will remember us, we have left our stamp on ABDC. And xeroxes of our asses in your dressing rooms. 

And now, their banner must fall.

BUH BYE 

So it looks like next week will be a martial arts challenge. Who wants to bet that BrokeAssAfro gets that Brazilian martial arts style? Capeoria. I’m putting money on it.

So what did you think Gasmi? So far I’m not really thrilled by this season. My favorites from last week struggled this week, and no one is really knocking my socks off. I really need someone to start wowing me soon. Are you blown away by any of these crews? Were you sad to see Donyelle and her body image message get the axe? Represent!

Until next time….

SWAK, PottyMouth