America’s Best Dance Crew: Smell Ya Later!

This week America’s Best Dance Crew brings us all the latest dance crazes that I’ve never heard of. If that wasn’t enough, they also have to do them on a trampoline. Also, face humping!! Why do I suddenly feel very, very old?

Hmmmm….I’m guessing either ball sweat or someone’s stanky ass attitude. Take your pick.  

Wanna guess how this week’s show starts?

Correctamundo! You must be psychic or something! The first match up is between AfroBorks and Vogue Evolution. I’m a little disappointed because I was hoping that these two would be the bottom two this week.

The first crew with a guaranteed spot on next week’s show is……….AfroBorks. 

The guys look thrilled 

Mario tells us that each crew was given one of the biggest dance crazes in the nation. They’re going to be judged on how well they add their own flavor to the assigned craze. 

Of course we can’t just leave it at dancing only. They have to be assigned some ridiculous task to add to the challenge. And so, they are told that they will need to incorporate a trampoline into their routines.

First up is AfroBorks. Layla gives them their assignment, which is swag surfin’. From what I see, swag surfin’ is basically swaying from side to side in a grand plie position. It doesn’t look much like surfing to me. And I used to watch Gidget, so I know what I’m talking about, mmkay? 

Hmmmm, perhaps I was mistaken 

Veronica tells us that when you do the move it’s like you’re surfing on a wave. Uh. Okay. Thanks, Mrs. Redundant. Oh! And it’s all about attitude and swag. Alain tells us that they don’t want to look like crazy people jumping around. They have to make it look like hip hop. Or a porno. Either one should work.

Afro-Whore-Icky 

Where do I even start with this one? You know, if it wasn’t for the fellatio grind in this routine, I’d probably say that this is one of their best performances. I mean, come on! Maybe next week they can fuck doggie style on stage.

Overtly sexual moves aside, this really was one of their best performances (not that that’s saying too much), and I thought they used the trampoline well. I really wish someone would explain to them the difference between sexy and sleazy.

What Shane loves about this group is that they also come out with something different to blow his mind. Translation: Cunnilingus lifts and fellatio grinding give him a big ole boner.

Portrait of a horndog 

OF COURSE he wants to go to a slo-mo of the mouth fucking. Because he is Shane, and that’s how he rolls. He can’t believe they let them do that on TV. Yeah Shane, neither can we.

Shane says he’s been waiting for years for a show to let someone get away with something like that because where he’s from they do stuff like that all the time, but when you get to national TV, they make you water it down. Remind me to never join a dance crew where Shane is from. I don’t enjoy having someone’s cock shoved forcibly down my throat. On TV or not.

I love that Mario says he knew Shane would ask for the replay of that particular move. Easy now Mario. It’s not like you needed some complicated mathematical equation to figure that shit out.

I beg to differ. I had to take the square root of the algorhythmic hypotenuse, add the circumference of the penises multiplied by the swag factor and divide by three. Very complex. 

Lil Mama thought it was kinda slow. She thinks their lifts was phenomenal, from the throwing over the shoulder to the transitioning, and things like that. It was cool. Slow, but fun.

JC thinks it was a good performance, but not a great one. He points out that there are five groups left, and says that at this point in the competition they’re representing the five best dance groups in America. He needs to see excellent, not just good. 

The number of times I’m agreeing with him this season is really starting to scare me 

He goes on to point out sloppy moments during the routine, and says that while some parts were great, the choreography was a bit elementary. He won’t say it was bad, just not excellent.

As if I needed any more reasons NOT to watch the VMAs 

We’re back from commercials, and the remaining three crews are on stage waiting to see which of them will join Vogue Evolution in the bottom two.

The first crew that is definitely moving on to next week’s show is………Massive Monkeys! 

WOO! 

We Are Heroes, Rhythm City, one of you will be moving on to next week. For the other, there may be no tomorrow. Which one of these crews will be ripping up the stage next week and which one could have their dreams ripped apart? The crew moving on to next week is…..Rhythm City!!!

BOO YAH!! 

Time for Massive Monkeys. Their assigned dance craze is the Ricky Bobby, inspired by the movie Talladega Nights. J.D. tells us that this dance craze is basically a series of arm movements followed by a pose. Sounds like redneck voguing to me.

Time for a sob story of the week break. This time it’s Timothy whose mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She was the one who really wanted him to be on the show, so this is all for her. 

The trampoline was really made for this group. Their tricks are usually great, but with the added height and propulsion added by the trampoline, they were awesome! I also loved the way they incorporated the props into the number. 

Really the only weak point was some of their transitions. Other than that, I thought they did a really good job. The ending with them taking a Polaroid of them and Mario was really cute. All in all, a strong showing for them this week.

Lil Mama thought that was a great performance. She likes that they incorporated props and that they maintained themselves. She thought they stuck to theme, making it very fun and clear what the Ricky Bobby was. She thinks they always bring the sickness.

I think her brain has been eaten by the sickness 

JC thinks that they may have gotten lucky with this one; he thinks the trampoline may have been tailor made for them. The crowd boos him, but I totally agree.

What is happening to me????? 

He says he doesn’t mean it in a bad way. He thinks they used the trampoline well. He thought the slow section was dope. Word to your mother. The one thing that was really impressive to him was something really subtle. And that was the swinging over the trampoline; he was worried about heads getting busted open. 

He tells Tim that he knows it’s rough, and that it’s an issue that a lot of Americans and people around the world are dealing with but thank goodness for modern medicine, and they wish his mom a speedy recovery.

Shane’s thing is this: If you cain’t groove, you cain’t dance. “Y’all do everything that y’all do so sick and then y’all came out here and y’all grooved on the ladies today.” He loved it. He also loved their tricks and thought they were sick, but the thing he liked the best was that they grooved. Good job.

Mario wants to know if the picture they took with him means that he can be a monkey now. They must say yes, because he goes on to say, “I can be a gorilla now.”

Yeah, Magilla Gorilla 

FYI – next week ABDC is changing time slots, moving to 7pm because of the VMAs. 

When we come back from commercials the studio audience is doing the Ricky Bobby, and I have to admit, that looks like it was probably a lot of fun. I’m feeling a little left out, so I do the Ricky Bobby in my living room, but it’s just not the same.

I’m so jealous 

It’s now time for Rhythm City.  Mario tells us they are from the Bronx. Really? I had NO idea. Anyway, decades ago hip hop was the brand new craze in their hometown. Mario wants to see how these street shakers stepped up to America’s latest dance smash. What the hell is he talking about?

I dunno. All I heard was street. 

Their assigned dance craze is jerkin’. Alonzo says jerkin’ is very popular, everyone is doing it. Except Ashley. Ashley doesn’t know how to do the jerk. And when she tries, Alonzo says she looks like his mom.

Clean your room! 

Alonzo explains to us the mechanics of jerkin’. It’s kinda like a hop. One leg comes up while the other one is down. You scoop one leg up while the other one shuffles forward. I’m trying to figure out how all of these are crazes. There must be a lot of drugs being taken at the clubs nowadays.

Skip, skip, skip to my lou! 

Of course the added challenge of the trampoline has them a little bit worried. The trampoline seems to be throwing off their precision. I have faith that they can pull it out.

You know this is my favorite crew, but I was just a little disappointed in them this week. I think they skimped a little bit on the actual challenge. I did love their routine, but I wish they had incorporated more jerkin’ in it. And the revenge of the nerds theme is old. I’m bored with it.

JC thinks it was another good number. He thought it started a little slow, but the one thing he will say about this group is that they are sneaky athletic. He says no one really looks at them to be the athletic group, but they’ve been doing back flips and back tucks throughout the whole season. 

He thought they handled the task well, and it was a good number. He wants to see excellent.

Shane feels the same way, but he has a couple of things he wants to say. He is on the same page as me saying he wanted to see more of the jerk from them. But what gets him every time is how clean they are. I completely agree with him on that one. 

Lil Mama feels like that was the most exciting performance tonight. She likes the way they incorporated the new jerk with the old jerk. And she thought putting the whop in there was slick. She also thought the geek theme was real fun and theatrical. They killed the choreo and they killed the task.

Now if only they could kill you 

We go backstage to check in with Layla and the bottom two crews. Layla points out that this is Vogue Evolution’s very first time in the bottom two and asks Leoimy how badly they want to win tonight.

“We really want to win this real hard.” 

Wha? She goes on to say that this is not something for fun and game, or even fame. They want to break down barriers and show the world everyone is different and anyone is talented. Ummmm, I have to disagree with that anyone is talented part. Sorry Leiomy.

Need I say more? 

Layla says she heard Nichelle from We Are Heroes was injured during rehearsal. How does she think that will affect their performance tonight?

Do I know you? 

She tells Layla they’re in it to win it. The doctor told her she should not go out there and be on the trampoline, but she wants to win this. I’m wondering what kind of waiver she had to sign before they agreed to let her perform against doctor’s orders.

We Are Heroes won the coin toss, so they are up first. I’m going to skip over all the Hiro grandmama drama because I could care less. So let’s skip ahead to the dance craze they’ve been assigned. It’s the stanky leg.

Nichelle tells us that the stanky leg is a completely different groove than what they do. And then she falls and hits her head. There may have been some rehearsing in between. But I think you get the picture. She ended up with six stitches and the doctor telling her not to do any flips, but Nichelle says, “Screw that, I’m going to do what I came here to do.” 

That was fucking awesome. I loved this routine so much. They were clean, they were creative, they killed it. I really liked the tutting section with the sock, and while I don’t really agree with Nichelle’s decision to go against doctor’s orders, she certainly nailed it. WOW.

Time for Vogue Evolution. Of course we first need to revisit last week with Lil Mama telling Leiomy to act like a lady, and Leiomy rolling her eyes at Lil Mama. Leiomy says that Lil Mama disrespected her in front of America. She says Lil Mama can kiss her ass. Always a good move to say that at someone who helps decide whether you should stay or go.

Their dance craze assignment is the Halle Berry. What the fuck is that?!? Apparently it’s miming looking in the mirror and touching your face (powdering your face maybe?). Whatever it is, it is lame. Jorel cracks me up.

“I never even seen her do that.” 

LOL. They’d like to tell us that the Halle Berry is very simple while voguing is very complex. If by very complex they mean very sloppy, well then, I completely agree.

Leiomy tells us that she didn’t ask to be born the way she was born. She considers herself a woman and she’s proud of herself. She thinks anyone that feels different should be proud of it, live their lives and don’t hold anything back. I agree that people should live their lives and be proud of who they are, but I think that some things need to be held back. Like stanky ass attitudes.

I really did not like this performance at all. Yet again, the sloppiness is driving me crazy. Someone please tell me if all voguing is this sloppy because it drives me crazy beyond belief. The trampoline did not help their issues with precision AT ALL. And I felt like overall their choreography was too simple. I’ll be shocked pissed if they aren’t sent home. 

Let’s bring Vogue Evolution back out and hear what the judges have to say about both performances. Lil Mama’s up first, talking about We Are Heroes. She first wants to say that Nachelle is a soldier and a champion.

And my name is NICHELLE. Thanks. 

She goes to a slo-mo of one of Nichelle’s flips involving a full twist. She liked the part with the socks, saying it was smart and cool and they had fun. She enjoyed it.

Shane’s up with his thoughts about Vogue Evolution. He likes the fact that all these groups are so athletic. He goes to a slo-mo of the straddle kick that Prince did over Leiomy’s head, but all it does for me is illustrate even more their sloppiness.

But he still wants to make a point. He needs more clean choreography from them. There’s a lot going on, he appreciates what they’re doing, but he still needs to see more clean choreography.

What I need from you is more clear English. 

He says they’re a show group, they’re entertainers, they just want to smash from beginning to end and he gets that, but there has to be a time when they relax and just let everyone see what they’re made of. 

JC is on deck yet again to talk about both crews. He’s gonna start with Heroes because they went first. What he sees is a group with half the roster on the injured list, and yet they played offense instead of defense tonight. They did some things he liked, but he did think the choreo was a little slow in spots, but the attitude was nice. 

Moving on to Vogue Evolution. He says from the very first time he saw this group step on this stage there was no doubt about it: this was one of the most charismatic groups that he has ever seen take the stage. 

He points out that they really have their own lines, their own dancer lines. He really appreciates what they’re doing on the stage. He likes that everyone had their own moment to shine during the routine, and also the fact that they kissed and made up at the end of the routine.

And with that, it’s time for the judges to deliberate.

After a commercial break, it’s time to find out which crew will be soaring on to next week and which crew will be bouncing out of the game for good. The crew. That will return next week. And still has a chance to be America’s Best Dance Crew is…..sloooowly pan over each and every person’s face……..We Are Heroes!!! Hooray!

See what happens when you tell one of the judges to kiss your ass?

Mario tells them that they are a crew that we will never forget. Is there anything that they’d like to say to America?

“We’re proud that we got to show the world that, you know, everybody can do anything that they want. Don’t let no one tell you you can’t do nothing in life.” 

You best believe that this is not the last of them. They love their fans and their community. “Go for your dreams, don’t let nothing stop you.” And then Mario wants to take a look back at their dramatic journey on America’s Best Dance Crew. Wait! No one else got a goodbye montage. That’s not fair. 

And then it’s time for them to talk their final walk off the stage. And as they do, their banner must fall.

So now we’re down to the final four crews. Next week the crews will be paying tribute to some of the greatest performances of VMA history. “From Madonna to Britney to Michael Jackson.” UGH. We’ve already had a Britney challenge on this show AND a Michael Jackson one. I am not excited about this.

So what did you think, Gasmi? Were you happy to see Vogue Evolution get the boot? Did you enjoy the on stage sex show? Are you as unexcited as I am about the upcoming challenge? Who wants to bet that “Vogue” is one of the songs selected?

Until next time…..

SWAK, PottyMouth