America’s Best Dance Crew: Feathers & Flames

This week America’s Best Dance Crew decides to rub salt in the open wound of Rhythm City’s elimination by not only showing it again, but adding a clip of Alonzo backstage after the decision, wondering what they did wrong.

Maybe next time you should just fuck your girlfriend on stage. America seems to like that.  

I really thought that I had gotten over the rage I felt at this elimination, but that clip brought it all rushing back again. I’m still pissed. Spoiler alert: I’m not going to cheer up any time in the near future.

As usual, the crews are up on stage awaiting the results. Mario tells us that tonight they will perform with every ounce of blood, sweat and tears in their final effort to win our votes and be crowned America’s Best Dance Crew.

Please keep your semen to yourself this time. 

Last week you voted and the top vote getting crew has earned a place in the finals. The other two crews will go head to head to battle for the last spot. Which crew received the most votes? Will it be the scrappy We Are Heroes? Or b-boys Massive Monkeys? Or perhaps the slutty Afro-Whore-Icky? The crew. That is currently number one in votes is……

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! WHY?!?!?!? SUNUVAFUCKINBITCHASSMUTHERFUCK!!!!!!!!!!! 

This is a CROCK OF SHIT. I am so pissed off about this I think I may have actually blacked out for a couple of minutes. I cannot fucking believe that this crew is making it into the finale. Really? DO we need a Latino winner so badly that it doesn’t matter if THEY SUCK ASS?????  

Mario tells us it’s time for the most grueling task of the entire season. This time around they’re calling it the decades of dance challenge. Each crew received a visual master mix of some of the biggest trendsetters in the history of dance. They must master these signature moves while rocking their own style.

Layla goes on to tell the crews that the DVDs they are getting contain moves from five of the most influential dance icons EVER. They would be James Brown, Rock Steady, Paula Abdul, Usher and Lady GagMe. WTF???? I seriously don’t know who came up with his list, but there is so much wrong here I’m almost rendered speechless. 

Keep in mind she said most influential dance icons OF ALL TIME. GagMe is a dance icon?????? Can someone please explain that to me? How about Usher? MYV and I have a very different idea about who are dance icons.

And that’s only four – there are so many MANY more. None of them is Lady GagMe. 

They should have stayed with Mario’s wording “trendsetters”. I’m willing to give a little bit more latitude when using that word. Except in the case of Lady GagMe. Wait! I take that back. She’s setting a trend of suck.

But then I remember that Afro-Whore-Icky is in the finals and I realize that it doesn’t even matter. This show has gone from being awesome for me to being stupid and lame. All in one season.

Of course the Whores love Lady GagMe and Blondie’s dream is to one day dance with her. I don’t think they’re too worried about replicating her “Style”. I wouldn’t be either. Pop rocking looks like it is freaking them out the most since it involves classic b-boy moves. Or maybe just because they suck. I doubt we’ll ever know for sure. 

And according to Blondie ABDC actually stands for AfroBorike Dance Crew. I cannot say this enough: SHUT UP BLONDIE.

Remember the last time you went to your daughter/son/niece/nephew’s high school musical production? It was so incredibly painful to sit through, but you did it because you love them, and then you lied and told them they should be on Broadway? Not that I would know, but this is even worse than that.

They are out of sync, their choreography is unoriginal and way too easy, oh, and I hate them. The only remotely interesting thing that they did was the lifted windmill. It cannot be said enough that their James Brown section was a disgrace. Knocking your knees together while swaying back and forth does not even come close to emulating James Brown.

Hate HATE Hate HATE. I cannot believe that this fucking crew has the possibility of winning this season. UGH.

Shane thinks they had a great concept (that the show gave them) but it wasn’t executed well (because they suck monkey balls). People were falling out of moves, they weren’t together and their transitions were slow. He calls them out for the lack of footwork on the James Brown section, saying you have to have foot action, not just knee action. He thought the coolest thing that they did was the lifted windmill.

But where were the blowjobs and cunnilingus lifts? 

Lil mama feels like they walked through the performance just to get through it. They were too much the same style until they got to the up rock section, and she thinks they killed the Paula Abdul section. But for an overall performance she thinks they took a easy route.

Why is she dressed like Sergeant Pepto Bismol? 

JC wants to first congratulate them on making it this far because they are definitely making it into the finals. JC! Thanks a lot for rubbing that in! I thought we had reached an understanding this year?

He says that this group has a flare for the dramatic, and that they are great entertainers. He thinks that all season long some of the biggest moments in the show have come from this group. I think he’s confusing the words biggest and sleaziest. 

He thinks the windmill that they did is so creative and no one else would have thought of that. He keeps hearing everyone say that this group can’t do what everyone else can do but he also thinks that no other group can do what this group does.

He’s glad they’re here, but as far as that performance goes, “You’ve got one more performance left in this show to blow us away. Make it happen.” Why should they start now, JC? 

After a short break in which we are reminded that Michael Mancini is no replacement for Terry O’Quinn

Not even close 

We are back. We Are Heroes and Massive Monkeys got the fewest votes and now must battle for the final spot in the finale. Massive Monkeys won the coin toss and so they will be performing their decades of dance challenge first.

They’re obviously very excited to see the Rock Steady portion of this challenge, but they really want to show America that they are more than just b-boys. They really want to nail the Paula Abdul section because it would be so out of left field for them. Also? They’re going to leave their hearts out on the floor. Am I the only one sick of crews saying that?

I don’t hate what they did, but I don’t love it either. Without a doubt they killed the Rock Steady portion, and I thought they did some good things with the other sections as well. One thing I cannot stand is mouthing the words to the song while singing, and J.D. that. It’s just a pet peeve of mine that irritates.

Their choreography is not the most original or exciting, and their transitions are clunky. Their tricks are great as usual, and listen, if they were going up against Afro-Whore-Icky, they would be kicking their asses to the curb, but We Are Heroes can really dance and they needed to pull out all the stops here. 

Lil Mama thinks it wasn’t that difficult, but they got through each task and were able to put the right energy and charisma behind each aspect, ya know?

She particularly liked the pressed windmills by J.D. and Jerome while the rest of the crew was doing slides in the background. She tells them that their timing was so perfect, and she’s right. (I know! Write that one down)

Overall a cool, fun performance. It wasn’t as exciting as she would have wanted it to be, but it was cool.

Which is more than I can say for this outfit. Seriously. I know she went easy on the bedazzler this year, but this outfit is more than making up for it. 

JC points out that this is the performance that’s supposed to get them into the finals. He thought J.D. was a fantastic James Brown, and very fun to watch, but during that section a lot of the arms got sloppy.

He liked the Lady GagMe part but there wasn’t a lot of skill involved. It was playful though, and he does love when they play to the crowd. His favorite part was the Paula Abdul section which surprises him since he would have never thought that. He appreciated it.

Members Only appreciates that you are trying to bring back their jackets 

Shane says that the other two basically said everything that he wanted to say. “Y’all had strong moments, y’all had slow moments, but from now on y’all got to kill everything that y’all do because everybody else is trying to take it to the bank right now. Represent.”

Time for We Are Heroes. Alison tells us that the James Brown section is the one they need to work on the most. They ended up blindfolding themselves so that they can get in touch with their inner James Brown without worrying what they look like.

 

Kinky! 

They don’t think the blindfold really worked too much. I think they should have fed each other strawberries and chocolate and other stuff and maybe the pervs who have been voting for Afro-Whore-Icky would throw some votes their way too.

Fucking finally! Finally someone is coming out on stage and performing like it really means something to them. I fucking loved this. They had so much going on here, their energy was freaking amazing. And the no look tutting section? Holy crap was that great!

I will say one thing I did not like at all was their costumes. That color spandex does no favors for anyone. I actually had to wear a unitard in that color one year back when I danced, and yeah, let’s just say that I hope to hell no one ever finds any pictures of me in That. 

Aside from the costumes? I loved every minute of this routine. There were a couple parts where they were a little sloppy, a little off, but they weren’t so bad as to bring down the whole performance. There is no way in hell these ladies are being sent home.

JC says this group has been fighting the whole season and he is so glad that they’re here. Me too! He thinks this performance shows everyone how much heart, how much guts they have. 

It was just fantastic. He thought the ground tutting was sick. It was something totally new, totally creative. Loved that part. 

What Shane loves about this group is that they’re so versatile. He says even though the songs were mid tempo, they made them fun and energetic; they made him want to keep watching them. He loved their transitions, and he also calls the tutting sick. 

The most important part about their performance that stick with Lil Mama is the fact that they took us through a time theme machine. Uh, wasn’t that the challenge?

Dummy 

And now the judges must deliberate and decide which crew will move forward to take on Afro-Whore-Icky, and which crew’s banner will fall.

You and I both know who is moving on. And after yet another sloooooowwwwww pan over each and every person’s face……….the second crew in the finale is……….

HIP HIP HOORAY!! 

Well, I guess I should find it comforting that this season carries on the tradition of only one of the crews in the finale deserving to be there. Last season is the exception top that for me because I really loved Quest Crew and Beat Freaks, but season one Kappa should have been there instead of Status Quo, and season two’s Fanny Pak got robbed BIG TIME.

I guess America really is stupid. 

Mario tells the Massive Monkeys that they have shown massive heart, massive talent, massive dicks; they’ve left it all on the stage every week (thankfully I didn’t have to clean it), made a lot of fans, and were very entertaining, but unfortunately it had to come to and end. Is there anything you’d like to say before we boot your asses out the door?

J.D. thanks America, and I wonder why given that the lack of votes from America is what is sending them on their way. And after a brief shout out to a couple of the crews and their good-bye montage, their banner must fall.

And now we are down to the final two crews: Afro-Whore-Icky and We Are Heroes. It is time for the Last Chance Challenge. Both crews can do whatever they want in creating their ultimate performance. They choose the wardrobe, they choose the music, they choreograph said routine. 

Afro-Whore-Icky is up first. God, I hope they hose down the stage after they’re done. Mario wants to see how these sensual islanders get ready to seduce the voters one last time.

He totally voted like a hundred times for them, you guys 

First they’re off to the fake recording studio to make the music and show where they come from. Blondie says they want to show their roots but I’m thinking he just doesn’t to take the time to go get his hair did.

They want a reggae sound but with tribal drums. And then the guys stand around chanting “Afro. Afro” while we at home chant “Whore. Whore.” I’m telling you, this is bound to be a number one hit. They want to show that Latinos can win this competition. No word on whether or not those Latinos should be, I dunno, GOOD.

 

Wow. I really hated that. I’m sure you are all shocked to hear that. What the fuck was that?!? The purple feathered bikinis? The raggedy capri pants? “Tribal” painting on the guys? Were they auditioning for the touring company of The Lion King?

What the hell was going on with the whole drum thing in the beginning? This was a train wreck of a routine from beginning to end. Sadly, (and hypocritically) they actually had me wishing for more sex acts on stage. At least that didn’t bore me out of my mind.

We don’t hear from the judges right away, we’ll hear from them at the end.

So now we’re moving on to We Are Heroes. Let’s all pray they can really pull something phenomenal together. For this last performance they’re looking to put together something more powerful. A superhero theme.

And then they go shopping at Strppiers’R'Us for their super hero costumes.

Or maybe it was Nursing Mothers 

Hiro tells us they want to have a super hero atyle, but also be super feminine. I just want them to kick ass. I think it is AWESOME that they have named their performance Ichiban. For those of you that don’t know, that means number one or the best in Japanese. Love!

I fucking loved this. They were fun and interesting, the fire eating part was freaking awesome and then when they were tutting while going down into straddles in the ring of fire? Oh. Yeah. 

Listen, I knew I was going to like this group better than the other before they even danced, but they really pulled out all the stops here and I like that about them. They are not playing around. They want to win.

Before we get to what the judges thought, let’s take a quick break.

Holy Shit. Tonya’s back!! I am totally watching this season! 

After the break both crews are out on stage so that the judges can tell us what they thought of the performances. Shane. Please give us your thoughts on Afro-Whore-Icky.

 

You Suck 

Oh no. You know he really didn’t say that. How great would it be if he did? He says that at the beginning of this whole thing they were the underdogs, they were so different, he didn’t know what to call it. But they have changed his mind, they have changed America’s mind and they have made people fall in love with them. He’s very proud.

Now it’s JC’s turn to talk about We Are Heroes. He wants to say congratulations to both groups and he’s happy that no matter what happens, a female will hold the trophy for the first time ever.

I’m sure at some point in your life a female has held your “trophy” JC. Calm Down. 

He thinks We Are Heroes is the American dream, and points out that it is a group of all ethnicities. Yes! Tell ‘em JC! There’s a Latino on their crew! Latinos! You don’t have to settle for mediocrity!!

He says that show after show after show they had to overcome so much adversity. Whether it be a language barrier, a hurt back, or even stitches in the head. He thinks Hiro is the epitome of a leader and that her crew would not have gotten as far as they have without her leadership. And awwwww, JC is getting choked up a little here.

I am NOT 

I really don’t understand how Lil Mama got to speak about both crews. She thinks both crews have broke cultural barriers. She says that everyone appreciates what they have all brought to the show, and she hopes that the voters VOTE FAIRLY. 

Translation: Please vote for We Are Heroes.  

She’s not done. “You have to look at a performance and see who was the best? What made this performance hot? Who deserves to be America’s Best Dance Crew? HONESTLY.

AMEN. 

And with that, Mario turns it over to America. 

Next week, finale! Who do you think will win, Gasmi? Is it who you WANT to win? Are you as disappointed with this season as I am? Do you even care who wins at all? Tell me what you think! Meet you here next week for the results!

SWAK, PottyMouth