America’s Best Dance Crew: Heroes vs. Whores. Which Does America Love More?

This is it Gasmi! This week we find out which crew will take home the trophy and become America’s Best Dance Crew! It’s a season for firsts! First females to win the trophy! First non-breakers to win the trophy! First season cast more for diversity than talent! First season so full of mediocrity that I wonder if I will want to watch season five!

I miss you 

So, in honor of the finale, I decided not to watch the show on Sunday, but rather to watch it as I’m actually recapping it. Oooookay, you got me, The Amazing Race was on and I wanted to watch that instead. Whatever. You know you did the same thing!

Anyway, this means I still have no idea who won, and you’ll be getting my reactions as they happen. Will this be any better than my usual blather? Probably not, but it means I only have to watch the episode once, so that’s one thing to be thankful for.

On with the show!

Mario lies to us, saying that this season nine extraordinary crews from all over the map faced off with the most diverse dance styles this stage has ever seen. Extraordinary? Pah! and Bah! 

With that he brings out to the stage the season four crews, ending with the “top” two crews.

Top My Ass 

Before we get to any results, all the crews are reuniting to take to the stage in the judges’ choice performances. Each judge chose three crews that they thought would come together best to deliver a slamming group performance. 

I’m wondering what happened if they all wanted the same crew. Mario’s not telling. Hmmmmmmm 

Don’t make me get the bedazzler, Shane! JC, don’t be a bird. 

But it’s not fair!! Randy said I could go first. I’d appreciate it. 

Let’s battle for it! I’ll beat both y’alls asses. Represent! 

Lil Mama’s crew is up first. The crews she has chosen are Vogue Evolution, Artistry in Motion, and We Are Heroes. She thinks these three crews are definitely going to put together a great performance. Not only because of their feminine nature, but they’re fun.

Vogue Evolution came in representing the ballroom scene, We Are Heroes have taken the bar to the next level, and Artistry in Motion represented women of all shapes. She says all three groups represent sex appeal and strength. She wants them to come together and make a powerful statement. 

That was a fun number! I really liked how they highlighted each group, and when it was time for them to come together, they did a really good job integrating their styles. 

JC’s turn.  He tells us that season four as a whole has been a great season. I wonder if Randy paid him a bonus for saying that with a straight face.

Why yes, yes he did  

He loved how diverse and multicultural it was. He tells us that chemistry is one of the most powerful components of a performance. The three crews JC has chosen to perform together are Afro-Whore-Icky, Rhythm City, and Fr3sh. He thinks that this performance has the potential to be one of the best ever on America’s Best Dance Crew.

This performance actually made me wish we had seen more of Fr3sh. It also makes me wonder how pissed Rhythm City was that they had to perform with the Hos. Another fun performance, though I will say that Afro-Whore-Icky was dragging the energy down a bit. And no, I’m not just saying that because I hate them. Really!

Mario has some incredible news!

He’s been cast as Frank-N-Furter in the touring company of The Rocky Horror Picture Show!! 

No! The real news is that America’s Best Dance Crew will be back for season five. They’ll be back early next year, and they’re getting a jump on casting right now. Layla tells us that if we think we’ve got what it takes, we should submit a video via internet or mail! Get those entries in!! 

And now it’s Shane’s turn. The thing he likes the best about this season is that there are crews with different styles that really changed the game. For those of you that can’t figure out which crews are left to form Shane’s crew, they are Southern Movement, Beat Ya Asses, and Massive Monkeys.

He says these three groups came out letting everyone know they came here to represent. He says this is a battling show, and these three groups represented every time they came out. He says when the crowd sees these three crews walk out on stage they’re gonna go berserk(er). Represent!

That was another really fun number. I sort of wish Rhythm City had been in this group instead of Beat Ya Asses, but overall all three judges did a great job of picking crews to work together.  I like that this show gives us new dances in the finale instead of just re-showing us dances from the season we’ve just seen. Ahem….So You Think You Can Dance…….coughcough.

Mario wants to give a special shout out to Tim from Massive Monkeys. He couldn’t be here tonight because he’s at home with his girlfriend and their newborn baby.

Congrats y’all! 

This week the top two crews had a chance to give back to their communities in a whole new way. Shane, We Are Heroes, and Afro-Whore-Icky spent some time with Culture Shock; a non-profit youth outreach organization that offers free dance lessons.

Could he be any sexier right now? 

Yeah, I’m a sucker for this sort of stuff. I truly believe that the more we can involve kids in the arts the better and fuller their lives will be. What can I say? I’m a big ole softie when it comes to stuff like this.   

After a quick break, Mario is on stage with the top two crews.  We get to see montages of both their journeys on the show. After that crap, the two crews will dance together to The Black Eyed Peas “I’ve Got a Feeling”. Yeah, so do I and it’s not a good one.

 

Not wanting to leave any stone unturned, Afro-Whore-Icky adds girl on girl action to their vast repertoire of sex dance moves 

Meh. There were quite a few mistakes in that routine, and I really couldn’t help but imagine how much better the performance could have been without Afro-Whore-Icky. I know, I know, I just can’t let it go.

Moving along, it’s time for the judges to share their final thoughts about and highlights of each crew. Shane’s first, and to my complete and utter surprise he is going to be talking about the Hos.

Me So Horny 

He first congratulates them and says this was a crazy season because at the beginning of the season no one knew who they were and now they are in the top two. Yeah, it’s so crazy what block voting can accomplish, innit it?

Shane thinks every week some of the best moves we’ve seen have come from this crew. If by best he means sexual, then I totally agree with him. And then he wants to share with us what his favorite move of theirs was. It can only be one of two: either the cunnilingus lift or the fellatio dip. Can you guess which one he chose?

And with that, we’ve learned something new about Shane.

Not a giver.

Mario knew that would be Shane’s favorite. Uh, Mario? Don’t go patting yourself on the back there buddy. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that one out.

Lil Mama, please share your thoughts about We Are Heroes. 

I can hear the sound of wind rushing through her head 

She ain’t even got to tell them, they’re HOT! She thinks they carry such a superhero persona.

Sorry! I couldn’t resist! 

She talks about Nichelle flipping around with stitches and a possible concussion, and says they’ve worked hard and always kept going, no matter what. She also gives them props for the ring of fire last week. And while I agree that that was really cool, to be fair, I think the fire might have done a lot of the work on that one.

This is a group of ALL women, not a mix or something, and she feels like they are so strong and she appreciates them. To end off she wants to say congratulations and umm…..congratulations to you girl.

Uhhh…….thanks? 

JC gets to talk about both crews. He thinks these two crews are the epitome of the American dream. You’re looking at two crews from all over the world that came to America and ended up on national television sharing their talents with America.

Not to mention their syphilis, chlamydia, and crabs 

The crazy part to him about Afro-Whore-Icky is it seems to him like they’ve been the underdogs all season, which is absolutely NOT TRUE. They were only in the bottom two ONCE while We Are Heroes fought for their spot THREE FUCKING TIMES. Which is more than any other crew this season. 

I think he’s thinking of the Hos as the underdogs because they suck and don’t deserve to be there. That’s right! I said it! In his opinion, throughout the season they’ve had some of the most memorable moments of season four. And then he flashes back to the cunnilingus lifts.

 

Apparently he IS a giver. Whoda thunk it? 

JC calls that a wow moment and says that everyone in the audience had to stop and take a breath after witnessing oral sex performed center stage. And that’s what makes them sleazy special. He appreciates that.

He tells We Are Heroes that they are the epitome of a team. He says a team is only as good as the sum of its parts and they always come together. They are about precision, being clean, and they’ve leaned on each other and pushed each other every week.

He’s glad both groups are here, and offers them both his congratulations. 

Mario says he agrees with JC. Like anyone gives a crap about what Mario thinks.

Just stand there and look pretty, dimples. 

We have finally arrived at the moment of truth. America voted, and the time has come to name one of them America’s Best Dance Crew. The crew. That will take home the one hundred thousand dollar grand prize and the right to be called America’s Best Dance Crew is……….slooooooooowwwww pan over each and every crew member’s face……………..

 

YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!  

YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!  

HELL YES! FUCKING YES! YES! YES!!!! 

OH MY GOD! I really did not think this was going to happen! I am so fucking happy right now! Mario asks Hiro what it feels like to be the first all female champions, and she is adorably tongue tied. 

Unlike other dance shows (you know who you are) we actually spend a couple of minutes with the second place crew. Mario tells them that they should be so SO proud of themselves. Any last words? 

Veronica says they are more than happy. They never expected to get this far or to get all the support they’ve gotten. Apparently all of Puerto Rico is watching on a huge screen in the airport. Cuba! She loves you! And something about Latinos representing here. And then…….

It’s about fucking time. 

Here comes Randy to present the trophy to We Are Heroes!

What the hell is he wearing?!? 

“Yo yo. What’s going down, man? Congratulations ladies, big ole huge props go out to you guys. You’re our first female crew winners!” 

 

America’s Best Dance Crew! 

Well, fourth best at least. At least this year the trophy doesn’t fall apart as soon as they touch it. We Are Heroes is going to now celebrate their victory with one final performance. Give it up for We Are Heroes!!

And there you have it. We have finally reached the end of what was, for me at least, a very MEH season. I’m really happy that We Are Heroes came through and won, but remain disappointed in this season as a whole.

Mario tells us they will be back in January for season five. Anyone plan on watching?

Thanks for hanging in there with me for this season. I don’t think I would have made it through without you. You da best! I appreciate you. Represent!

SWAK, PottyMouth