America’s Best Dance Crew: Regionals. Since When Is This A Fucking Cheerleading Competition?!?!?

Welcome to season five of America’s Best Dance Crew! I know, I know. We’re on the third episode. What of it? This whole regional /national bullshit thing almost pushed me right over the edge. First we lost Shane. Not surprising. But instead of replacing him with another choreographer, we get Omarion. HUH??? Really, Randy? Lame.

THEN they decide to get greedy and add an additional three episodes onto the season. Basically a sort of audition/Hollywood show that they’ve decided to call “regionals”. Oh, and the actual competition is being called “nationals”. Give me a fucking break! Is it going to be shown on ESPN at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon too?!? I hate this fucking gimmick.

 

Gimme an “A”, Gimme a “B”, Gimme a “D”, Gimme a “C”! ABDC! ABDC! Gooooooooooo ABDC!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!! 

But you know there’s no way I could give up watching this show. I had to see if Omarion would suck ass as much as I was thinking he would (worse), and I needed to see the crews that would be competing for the title. So I decided I’m going to sort of ignore the whole regional/national thing. Instead, I’m going to pretend this is like a “Meet The Crews” special and roll all three shows into one (hopefully) short recap. We’ll go back to the normal recaps once the real competition starts next week. Alright?
Ready? Let’s go!

So apparently the show has decided that the Midwest doesn’t need to be represented on the show anymore. Hey, if you’re upset by this, blame BreakSk8 and Femme Five. Also? Suck it, Minnesota.

Before we begin, let’s talk about the format for these shows. They’re starting out with five crews that have already auditioned and been put through to this round. We’ll see a little bit of their original audition (well if you watched the show you saw it) before they hit the big stage. After they all dance, two crews will be moved forward while the remaining three will battle it out for the last spot. 

Alright, let’s get this party started! We’re starting out in the Dirty South. Any crews in line that look like they may have showered recently were immediately sent home. But wait! We can’t start yet! We’re missing something!

 

And with the obligatory shout out from Randy, the show can begin! 

See you at the finale Randy! 

Mario is back as our host with the badly written intros and dimples of death, and two of our judges are the same as last year. We’ve got JC Chasez.

 

Looking as excited as ever to be here. 

And resident moron, Lil Mama.

 

Who says you can’t take your loofah with you? 

And now it’s time to meet our new judge, Omarion.

 

Who seems to have confused his eyebrow with his beard. 

The first crew up is Jungle Boogie (Stone Mountain, Georgia), and when we see their intro, I see a familiar face!!

 

Anthony! Is Antwain with you?? 

 

The chicken is all the rage this year. 

Jungle Boogie is going to be bringing crankin’ to the show. What is crankin’, you ask? We get a little demo from the girl of the group, but all I can tell you is she’s stomping and jumping around. I dunno, maybe I’m missing something.

They were okay. Not terrible, but not great either. I thought they were really sloppy in some parts, and at one point it looked like one of the guys almost dropped another guy. Not the best way to start the competition. Just Meh.

Omarion gets to talk first and he tells them he was impressed. I already think he’s an idiot. He also talks like someone is pinching his nose shut which I’m sure is going to drive me crazy.

 

Get some Sudafed. And then go see the wizard about some brains. 

Lil Mama agrees. Great to see she plans on being consistently useless. JC immediately liked their energy level. He thinks it could be fun to see them in the future. Yeah, once they’ve had more time to practice.

Next crew up is Ghost (Houston, Texas). They tell us they have a smooth style. 

Another just okay routine for me. Nothing they did seemed like it was that difficult, and they didn’t really use the stage too much, staying in the same formation for most of the time. I like that their style is more of a smooth one, but they still need to make it interesting.

JC appreciates that they incorporated levels into their routine since that was a note he gave them during their audition. He liked the drama of the routine but felt like it was a little too slow overall. Omarion feels like he’s seen this before. Lil Mama agrees with both JC and Omarion.

Time for the next crew, Xtreme Motion (Houston, Texas). Oh stupid spellings of crew names, how I have missed you. Their style is bucking, which is basically just booty shaking no matter what else they try to say it is. Shane would have loved them. One of the girls tells us they are in a marching band. I start to wonder if I made a mistake watching this season.

 

Their outfits are not helping. 

Wow. That really sucked. If they make it to the competition, I quit. They are worse than Femme Five. You heard me.

Lil Mama loves their energy, but thinks the excitement of the show got them out of sync. JC thought it was fun. It started out generic, got exciting in the middle, but then ended generic as well. Omarion says, “Booty, booty, booty, rocking everywhere.” 

 

Someone please stuff a sock in his mouth. 

Let’s move along, shall we? The next crew coming to the stage is Swagger Crew (Atlanta, Georgia). They tells us when people say Atlanta, they say Swagger Crew. No lie. They’re not big on doing all the dance crazes; their style is more animated, theatrical, comedy.

It’s about fucking time! I really liked this crew. They were fun to watch, had some good moves in there and also brought some humor into the mix. And the red-headed chick held her own with the guys! I finally feel like we’re seeing a crew that deserves to be in the competition.

Mario was also impressed by the girl, and JC says she is hot, for sure. He says the routine was a little generic in the beginning, but then once they started grooving the routine started getting hot for him. He also appreciated their ripple. Omarion agrees with JC, but also tells them that it looked a little too trained to him, he wants to see heart. He wants to feel the passion. Lil Mama agrees with both JC and Omarion.

The last crew from the South is going to be Royal Flush them down the toilet (Atlanta, Georgia). They have been trying to get on the show since season one. Some people just don’t know when to quit.

 

Leomi? Is that you? Sorry, my bad. It’s Leomi’s ugly stepsister. 

 

That’s even stupider than the purple spandex pants. 

Lil Mama giggles and says “Um Uh.” Omarion wants her to say what she told him, but she won’t. She wants to see more choreography. Omarion gives them props for trying so many times, but he has to tell them that the cards were corny. JC really liked the routine and he thinks that hard work pays off. He thinks they got a little sloppy, but he liked that they tried to give him a little bit of everything. Too bad none of it was very good.

The judges spend the commercial break deliberating, and then it’s time to reveal the two crews moving directly into the main competition. They are…………Swagger Crew and Jungle Boogie. Like I said, I really liked Swagger Crew and I didn’t hate Jungle Boogie, so I guess I’m okay with those choices. I don’t see Jungle Boogie lasting too long unless they take it up a notch.

Now Ghost, Xtreme Motion and Royal Flush have to battle for the last Southern spot.

I’m not crazy about any of these crews, but if I HAD to pick one I guess I’d pick Ghost. At least they’re a little different and have the potential to be interesting. But the judges pick Royal Flush. Blech. Here’s hoping they get flushed in the first round. 

And that’s it for the South. Ready to move on over to the East?

 

Here we go! 

We’re jumping right in with Legendary Seven from Boston, Mass. They have two people in their crew that we’ve seen before; E-Knock and Darius from Status Quo. UGH. I really didn’t like Status Quo, and I REALLY hated E-Knock. He was a big fucking cry baby. Why are we letting people back on the show that made it into the finals before? I’m annoyed.

I will give them this: they were a hell of a lot cleaner than Status Quo ever was. But I still don’t think those guys should be allowed to come back and compete again. Shit! They were final fucking two. You lost. Get over it.

Let’s go over to the judges.

 

Woooooowwwwwwww. Explosiveness. 

 

Yikes! Bring the ponytail back. 

 

How did I end up here? 

All three judges are digging what Legendary Seven are bringing to the table, and JC talks about how they have the energy of Status Quo, but are much cleaner. I really don’t know what I’m going to do if JC and I are in agreement all season again. I may have to seek medical attention.

The next crew hoping to wow the judges is Draztik from Providence, Rhode Island. They think the dancing of Rhode Island is overlooked because they’re such a small state. Hey guys, size isn’t important; it’s the motion in the ocean that counts. Never mind. I’m a liar. Your small state will never live up to the bigger ones.

I think the lone white girl on this crew actually dragged them down a little for me; she just wasn’t hitting it as hard as some of the others on the crew, so she stuck out like a sore thumb. They weren’t bad, but nothing really jumped out at me and made me want to see more of them. Meh.

Lil Mama loved how they worked together and highlighted one another; she says you can tell they’ve been together for a while. But something is missing for her. JC doesn’t have anything bad to say about the routine, but there was no unique moment, nothing memorable. Omarion thinks they stayed in the center for too long. And he wants to see more of the “UHHHH” that they had at the end.

Coming up next is Blueprint Cru from Montreal, Canada. Wait, what? Canada? Did we change the name of the show to NABDC? 

Despite myself, I really liked this crew. A lot. I loved the part where they rocked it out, and I thought their choreography was strong. They also threw some tricks in there to add some excitement. This crew is my favorite of the three we’ve seen so far.

JC was feeling it too. He basically says they had what the last performance was lacking. He enjoyed their whole performance. Omarion feels like the girls were giving him everything and he almost forgot there were guys in the crew. He thinks their energy needs to match each other. Lil Mama says the word she was looking for earlier that they made clear to her is dimension.

 

As in, “I am from another dimension” 

She can’t wait to see them grow and tells them they’re amazing.

The next crew is Static Noyze from Cambridge, Mass. Some of them are classically trained in ballet and jazz, others in cultural dances; they incorporate and blend all their different styles into the group. 

Here’s another crew I really like. I LOVE how they started out very lyrically and then really hit it later on in the routine. 

Lil Mama thinks they’re one of the most well rounded crews she’s seen in a long time, and they remind her of Fanny Pak. I wouldn’t go that far. Omarion thinks that the fact that they all have different styles could become a disadvantage. And talks some bullshit about their training. I can’t fucking stand him.

 

I wish Shane had allegedly kept it in his pants. 

JC completely disagrees with Omarion. He thinks it was a very cerebral and thoughtful performance. They cared about doing the steps their way as  opposed to imitating other people’s styles. And then. I think I may have fallen in love with JC (what is happening to me) because he looks over at Omarion and says…..

 

“There’s nothing wrong with being trained, by the way.” 

You tell him, JC! Of course Omarion says he loves training, but he’s a big fat lying liarpants. JC says just because you do something sloppy doesn’t make it raw.  YES!! Suck on that, Omarion!

Alright, time to move on to our last crew for the East. Were you sitting here thinking that what you’re really missing this season is a crew with a gimmick? Well, you’ll be happy to know that next crew has one. Jump roping. Yep, you heard me. Mother fucking jump roping.

The crew is Saltare (which apparently means jump off a bridge in Latin) and they’re from Raleigh, North Carolina. Wait a minute! Why weren’t they included in the South? Not that I would like the idea of them more there, I just always thought North Carolina was considered part of the South. 

Anyway, I don’t like the thought of jump rope hip hop any more than I liked the idea of roller skating hip hop. I loathed Breaksk8 during season one, and if these guys make it onto the show, I’m sure I’ll loathe them as well. 

 

NOT DANCING. 

 

Oh Lord. 

You know what? They’re really good jump ropers. You know what else? I don’t fucking care because jumping rope is not dancing. I don’t care if you do a pirouette while double dutching, 99.5% of that routine was jumping rope, not choreography. And I KNOW they’re going to make it on the show. HATE.

Omarion. What did you think? Woooooowwwww. He recognizes that if they mess up on one thing, the trick is done. Thanks for that insight. JC talks about how part of the show is throwing curve balls at the crews and at times they ask them to use props. This crew is using a full time prop and using it well. Sure, but what happens when they have to add another one? He thinks they were really entertaining. Lil Mama talks nonsense at them, before saying that they do what they do well.

The judges deliberate again and the first crew going through to the competition is……..Saltare. Balls. I fucking knew it. Also going through is Blueprint Cru. Now that one I AM happy about. So that leaves Legendary Seven, Draztik and Static Noyze to battle it out for that last Eastern spot.

 

WTF??? 

 

I think you all know my pick is Static Noyze. I really liked what they did and want to see what else they’ll bring during the competition. And the judges agree me! YAY!

And with that, we leave the East and head out to the home of the champions of all four seasons of the show: The West. Can they do it again?

First up for the West is Hype 5-0 from Honolulu, Hawaii. I am thinking I’m not going to like them because they come out in those ugly Hawaiian shirts and Hula skirts, but they get rid of them fairly quickly. I actually like how they opened with the Hula flavor and ripped it off, then tore up the stage.

Can you tell I liked them? I think they have great energy, and there’s just something about them that I like. They were really clean too, which I love because that means they’ve been working their asses off before coming on the show.

Let’s see what’s going on with the judges tonight.

 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.” 

Thanks for that insightful critique. Dope.

 

I cannot take her seriously while she’s dressed like Judy Jetson. 

 

The only one worth listening to. 

JC likes that they used the stage well. He also likes that they threw out what they like to call flavor. He thinks they worked the crowd really well.

Next up is Heavy Impact from L.A. They’re big guys, but tell us that they can really move.

They were okay. They certainly hit it hard, but there were some spots were they got a little sloppy. Not loving them, but I didn’t hate them either. Just okay.

Lil Mama congratulates them on having the confidence to get up here and do their thing. Ooooookay. I mean, I know they’re a little chunky, but it’s not like one of them has a third eye, or hot dog fingers or something. 

JC points out that their formation in the opening sequence never stopped changing. He also thinks they have great body lines, and thinks that that’s weird to think about. He does call them out on one of their transitions where they just walked into place. JC hates that.

Omarion thinks their groove is so Cali. They have the Caliness. His comments are so stupid. He has the stupidness.

Time for the next crew, Blended Projekt from West Covina, California. Not only do they have the youngest contestant on the show (15), they also have the most crew members. They are hip hopping cloggers. Haven’t we seen this gimmick before?

Yes, we have. And I’m not impressed by this version. You know, I sort of liked Dynamic Edition; I think their hickness was weirdly charming. But I thought they were out of their league in this competition. This group, I’m not charmed by, nor do I think they belong here. 

JC thinks it was fun, but a little too smiley. He tells them they can’t be cheesing while they’re getting dirty. Omarion says that they have to take the good with the bad and have a willingness to compete because there will only be one winner. Lil Mama thought they were a little intimidated by the taps on their shoes; they weren’t necessarily hitting it hard on everything because they seemed like they might be afraid of making noises with their taps.

Up next is the only b-boy crew representing this season. They are Break EFX from Denver, Colorado. Their style is breaking and hip hop choreography. 

They had some nice stuff in there, but as an overall performance, it was sloppy. We’ve had some great b-boying crews on this show, but I don’t think this crew is one of them.

Lil Mama thinks they have a very, very, very ,very funky stayle. Funkadelic. She’d like them to bring it harder. Omarion wants to give it up for them because b-boying is a very serious thing. He did wish he had seen some top rocking, and a three or six step. JC is kind of on the same page as the other two judges, and he calls them out on not always being together.

Before we move on to the last crew from the West, MTV has a quick public service announcement for us.

 

WARNING! Leo is so hot that just one hug from him could cause you to turn into ash. Proceed at your own risk. 

Okay, time for our last crew. They are Poreotix from Orange County, California. What a dumbass name. They tell us it is a combination of popping, choreography, and robotics. I still think it’s a stupid name. They also want us to know that they add a comedic twist to everything so we will not be bored.

They show off this sense of humor immediately when Mario interviews them before their routine. He wants to know what is up with their sunglasses.

 

“Well, it’s because we are the Asian. And we have the small eye. Sooo…..and we like robot.” 

LOL.  Now let’s see if they can dance.

I never in my life thought I’d see a number on ABDC performed to a Taylor Swift song. They even mock the whole Kanye thing. They’re a little over the top with the humor, and I have a feeling that might get old pretty quickly, but these can dance. I think I sort of like them. At least until I decide I want to kill them.

JC thinks it was a lot of fun. He doesn’t think the routine was very difficult, but it was so entertaining, their charisma just flew off the stage. He can’t believe they worked out a tutting section to Taylor Swift. He was fully entertained.

Lil Mama thinks that was the best performance of the night. JC disagrees. Lil Mama doesn’t care what JC thinks. It brought a smayle to her face. Omarion could tell they were having a good time, so the audience were having a good time. He thinks they did a great job.

After a short deliberation, we’re ready to find out which two crews will be moving forward. First crew through? Poreotix. Not surprising. Next crew? Heavy Impact. Huh. Personally, I would have picked Hype 5-0. I liked them better.

But Hype 5-0 is left to battle it out for that last spot along with Blended Projekt and Break EFX.

And the final crew through to the competition is…….Hype 5-0! Woo! That was the right choice.

And with that, we have our nine crews. What did you think, Gasmi? Any of the picks you’re pissed about? Do you agree that jump roping is not dancing? Or did you like the ropers? Who are your favorite crews? And most importantly, did you hate Omarion as much as I did?

See you after next week’s show!! 

SWAK, PottyMouth